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Gria2004

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Well just him. So it not relationship yet I only meet him a week ago and I don't have many people to tell how excited I am or get advice on this that would understand. We only been texting.

First let me tell you I can't believe he liked me back online. Well he liked me first then I liked him and we matched. I don't normally judge people but I feel that him and his wife are in another ledge of hotness. They are like model hot. I'm over here 4'6' and little heavy. But we have been texting all week. He been giving me happy faces and turned on faces. We keep finding out we are alot like. He is six years older, married, two kids, lives a hour away, and a hour time difference. Has a good job, house, doesn't smoke, and has ever weekend off. Not bad at all. I have driven in that direction many times over 25 years and find the drive relaxing. I even went to college up there. I'm very excited because we been getting to know each other at a nice pace. Non of this here my guy part, let's Netflix and chill only after one very short conversation, get mad that I want to know someone before meeting. He never brought it up. He has been texting me even if I haven't, like this morning. I slept in which he did know and sent me a text hi what you up to today? I'm spending today with my wife running earns. After few text then tonight after not hearing from for hours. Sorry got busier then thought today. We text because it easier for him at work, with kids around, and before bed.

With all that goodness he hasn't told his wife but assures me it will be ok. I have been on both ends of this. One were the husband likes the girl gets to know her and then when ready to start meeting he tells the wife and she ok with it because she trust him. But the other side where they don't like me even though there husband does means it's over. This creates anxiety along with other things that I'm not trying to have. The fact that they are much hotter then me and what if they don't like me after meeting? There is other anxiety that I have with new dating like long pauses during texting because more then not I have been ghosted. I can't expect him to message me asap just because I have alot of free time and there might be long pauses in our conversation. He has work, kids, a wife, and life. So fare he been proving not to be like other guys I meet online so I have to trust that he won't do that to me. I love and hate this part of dating so much that I wish we could just skip to the part were I know were we are all comfortable with this. We're we all know we're we stand. But that's not life. Thanks for listening.
 
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Hi Gria,

Sounds like you are in the very early stages of getting to know this fellow, you are excited because he is hot, and seems like a nice guy, but you have some anxiety because you don't know how things are going to work out with him. My advice is to just take it one day at a time, and if you want to talk to him, text him (or call him). He can let you know if now isn't a good time. In the past you have said that you want/need to talk at least once a day. Congrats on meeting this exciting prospect! :)

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks kdt26417. Yes one day at a time. Not many guys I find online follow that. Last one I talk to was very shortly after likeing each other back said what you doing. Me sleeping so I can work tonight. Him oh I haven't slept right in days we can sleep together maybe it will help me sleep. Wrong answer after not even knowing him a two days. So this would be good for both of us. He said up front he's looking for something real not slut so I take it he's meet many girls like I meet guys online. Not wanting to get to know someone but .......
 
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Yeah, sometimes dating sites like OKCupid are something of a meat market. I sympathize.
 
Gria2004 said:
With all that goodness he hasn't told his wife but assures me it will be ok.
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You've been texting with him for a week and presumably he is poly, but he has not told his wife that he is clicking with someone? I'd encourage you to not be dazzled by who is hotter than whom and instead focus on whether both of you are available for the kind of relationship you have in mind.
 
FallenAngelina said:
You've been texting with him for a week and presumably he is poly, but he has not told his wife that he is clicking with someone? I'd encourage you to not be dazzled by who is hotter than whom and instead focus on whether both of you are available for the kind of relationship you have in mind.
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Thank you for the reply. We will see in time if they are available for what I want but right now it is nice getting to know someone slow. One day at a time.
 
Two Updates

Two big updates.
We are still talking but have not meat yet. We just starting talking awhile back. Then with me working alot of days before I went on vacation and then working a bunch of days again before getting three days off comming up hasn't been alot of time. I been busy and these three days off I'm busy with life stuff I didn't even think about meeting. I'm really glad that he's not pushing to meet because I just didn't have the time to life gets back to normal. With be hour and half drive it's not easy to meet. I know from my other poly whatever it is. Another thing for another time.

Second I asked if he told his wife yet and he said he's waiting for the right time. With her working later then him and having two kids always round hasn't given him much time alone. I totally understand because I have poly friends who have three kids and her husband worked a different shift then her so they never got much alone time. When he was off the kids were always around if not she was working. So when they did get one night away a month they wanted to recontact so it was never the right time. He was seeing some one for while before telling her. She know it but it took him getting on the same schedule and them having more time together to talk about it. It wasn't something she wanted to talk about with the kids in the house. So trust me I get it when he says he needs to find the right time. It's just frustrating because I would like to be farther along but you can't rush things I have learned that.
 
Hi Gria,

Thanks for that update, it sounds like things are gradually moving along between you and this fellow, it's just that he hasn't found the right time to tell his wife yet, what with clashing work schedules and two kids at home. Hopefully he'll soon get on the same schedule as her, and then he can tell her. In the meantime I know it is frustrating, you want things to move along further but you can't because his wife doesn't know. Maybe it's just as well that he lives a ways away, that kind of slows things down anyway and that way you just know that it is going to take some time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It's been a month and he can't even find the time to tell his wife that he's chatting with someone new, but yet he finds time to talk to you?

Am I the only one seeing giant red flags all over this?
 
Gria2004 said:
Second I asked if he told his wife yet and he said he's waiting for the right time. With her working later then him and having two kids always round hasn't given him much time alone. [...] It wasn't something she wanted to talk about with the kids in the house.
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Even after the kids are in bed? When I didn't want to talk about something when the kids were around, it was typically something that was extremely emotionally charged. If it's that emotional a topic, then I would be concerned as to how open to this his wife really is.
 
Another up.

Another update.
So, he hasn't told his wife and when I asked to talk to him not text I got soon. I was talking to ex poly boyfriend who is good friend about this and he was like you didn't tell me this. He remind me of us first talking online and him working way to many hours at his own business how he did find the time to talk on the phone so I could hear his voice when I wanted him to and he tell his wife. It took time to meet but he made all my request come true. I was also trying to figure out what we were because of someone asking me something got me thinking. He's like I don't know but we're good. What do you want us to be? He said whole lot stuff but just that he's worried that he would lose me. He doesn't want to ever lose me or will because I want him in my life. As we were talking he asked me what I really wanted and I said to date. He said ok. Told me what's going on more in-depth with them and he would need to talk to his wife but either way we would still be in each other's life. She knows we are whatever we are and talks even see each other when we can. We don't talk every day but sometimes we do so I don't things will change there. They are still over hour away.

For other guy we will see if he ever text me again.
 
Gria2004 said:
Another update.
So, he hasn't told his wife and when I asked to talk to him not text I got soon. I was talking to ex poly boyfriend who is good friend about this and he was like you didn't tell me this. He remind me of us first talking online and him working way to many hours at his own business how he did find the time to talk on the phone so I could hear his voice when I wanted him to and he tell his wife. It took time to meet but he made all my request come true. I was also trying to figure out what we were because of someone asking me something got me thinking. He's like I don't know but we're good. What do you want us to be? He said whole lot stuff but just that he's worried that he would lose me. He doesn't want to ever lose me or will because I want him in my life. As we were talking he asked me what I really wanted and I said to date. He said ok. Told me what's going on more in-depth with them and he would need to talk to his wife but either way we would still be in each other's life. She knows we are whatever we are and talks even see each other when we can. We don't talk every day but sometimes we do so I don't things will change there. They are still over hour away.

For other guy we will see if he ever text me again.
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DO I understand correct?

The first Mr married but wont tell the wife has ghosted you, and now an ex poly boyfriend is back the picture and also has to go tell the wife?

I may be green in the poly scene but instinct tells me you have a pattern going on here of chasing men who's wives don't know what they are up to.

I would have thought any true poly man, married or not would be telling the wife right away, in fact I would think she would already be in the loop at first date time surely?
 
Amygdala said:
DO I understand correct?

The first Mr married but wont tell the wife has ghosted you, and now an ex poly boyfriend is back the picture and also has to go tell the wife?

I may be green in the poly scene but instinct tells me you have a pattern going on here of chasing men who's wives don't know what they are up to.

I would have thought any true poly man, married or not would be telling the wife right away, in fact I would think she would already be in the loop at first date time surely?
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No the ex poly boyfriend that is not a boyfriend hasn't left. We known each other for four years. We have gone in out of talking but never stopped caring about each other. His wife knows we been talking and seen each other a very few times. I even talked to her. He does have to talk to his wife because he lets her know everything or close. I don't mind. I knew that from before.
 
vicki82 said:
it's been a month and he can't even find the time to tell his wife that he's chatting with someone new, but yet he finds time to talk to you?

Am i the only one seeing giant red flags all over this?
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huge red flags
 
Hi Gria,

Do your boyfriend and your ex boyfriend both live an hour away? I am just wondering.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Vicki82 said:
It's been a month and he can't even find the time to tell his wife that he's chatting with someone new, but yet he finds time to talk to you?

Am I the only one seeing giant red flags all over this?
Click to expand...

I certainly do. All it took to tell my wife was a minute, if that. "I've met someone I'm interested in." If it takes more effort than that there is definitely something going on there.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Gria,

Do your boyfriend and your ex boyfriend both live an hour away? I am just wondering.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Yes they both do. I wouldn't say he's my boyfriend. I only new him a month and we never chatted on the phone just text. The other guy is my ex but we became friends I knew him for 4 years and I have talked to his wife. She helped me though a big female thing I went though September. Because she been though it twice.
 
Gria2004 said:
Yes they both do. I wouldn't say he's my boyfriend. I only new him a month and we never chatted on the phone just text. The other guy is my ex but we became friends I knew him for 4 years and I have talked to his wife. She helped me though a big female thing I went though September. Because she been though it twice.
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I struggle a little to understand your situation as far as who you are seeing or chatting to...

However i see the bigger issue you face as being the matter of men who seem unable or unwilling to tell their wife about you immediately.

That is the big red flag. If they don't tell right away, run.
 
Gria, you are in denial. It's like the guy who is having an affair who keeps telling his lover that we will leave his wife. . . after Christmas; after the school year; after the family vacation; when the kids move out, etc.
 
Amygdala said:
I struggle a little to understand your situation as far as who you are seeing or chatting to...

However i see the bigger issue you face as being the matter of men who seem unable or unwilling to tell their wife about you immediately.

That is the big red flag. If they don't tell right away, run.
Click to expand...

If I have this right it's one man. She's met a guy, I'll call him Dick, who is married. The problem is Dick says he hasn't told his wife about meeting her. The other problem is Dick won't speak to her on the phone. He only texts. Those are two red flags. Huge ones.

The other guy, who I'll call Max, is an ex. She is still friends with Max. Max is pointing out those red flags as well. Max says he made time to talk with her on the phone. He also let his wife know he was seeing her. Max's wife is on good terms with Gria. Max feels Dick should do the same if he is for real.

Dick is either cheating in his wife, being a tourist for the thrill of talking to a stranger on the net, or they are very new to poly. The first one is unlikely, meaning he probably will never actually meet Gria. I say this because he's way too entangled to get any time away from his wife to make phone calls so how is he going to sneak off to meet someone who is long distance. If he and his wife are not poly, then the middle one is most likely. He's living out a fantasy at Gria's expense. If Dick and his wife are actually trying for non-monogamy, him not telling his wife signals she is not completely on board. If they were "truly" poly Dick would just tell his wife and make some time to chat on the phone.

My advice to Gria is to tell Dick to get back with her after he straightens things out with his wife.
 
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