Meeting "metamour"

[hsun]

In a bit of a predicament... my partner has been seeing a women once every couple of week for a few months now. He's never seen anyone long term like this and I'll admit to having trouble adjusting to it... I think because it's more intimate than his past relationships (they haven't slept together yet which oddly you would think would be less threatening?)

Anyway, I decided that I think meeting her would put my insecurities to rest. However, I'm nervous that she won't want to meet me. She's recently been divorced and has never been a apart of a poly-esque relationship. She's aware of me and has asked my partner multiple times if it's okay that they spend time together... she even suggested meeting me on one of their first dates but immediately took it back and said it might be too weird.

I know that I can't force her to meet me but I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't agree.. any advice? My partner and I have talked about it and he agrees to ask her but also said that he won't pressure her to do so. Or any advice on how to present the idea to her to make it seem normal? I suggested my boyfriend tell her the truth... that I've been feeling insecure and think that meeting her would make me feel a bit better.

 

[ElMango]

For me, meeting and getting to KNOW my meta helped with my insecurity . As well as ensuring that I didn't get lost in the NRE.
Her and I text and Snapchat her. My husband is friends with his meta (they were friends before he became my boyfriend)

I am now definitely a believer in "go as fast as the slowest person " rule.

To actually meet her, ask your spouse to talk to your meta and set it up. Your spouse is the hinge and the method of contact for your meta

 

[vinsanity0]

So you want to take a situation she already thinks is weird and make it weirder by telling her you are insecure? Now someone she is uncomfortable with will be sizing her up.

It's great if she agrees to meet, but you should examine why you feel insecure.

 

[hsun]

So you want to take a situation she already thinks is weird and make it weirder by telling her you are insecure? Now someone she is uncomfortable with will be sizing her up.

It's great if she agrees to meet, but you should examine why you feel insecure.

I feel like that's a little unfair... I'm not "sizing her up..." I'm hoping that by meeting her I can get to know her and possibly see what my partner sees. But I guess I shouldn't get upset about it until I know the answer..

I guess I feel like if I chose to start seeing someone in a relationship (as in I'm the metamour) I would be more than willing to do whatever their partner would request so long as it's not out of line... but I suppose everyone's comfort zones vary.

 

[vinsanity0]

I feel like that's a little unfair... I'm not "sizing her up..." I'm hoping that by meeting her I can get to know her and possibly see what my partner sees. But I guess I shouldn't get upset about it until I know the answer..

I guess I feel like if I chose to start seeing someone in a relationship (as in I'm the metamour) I would be more than willing to do whatever their partner would request so long as it's not out of line... but I suppose everyone's comfort zones vary.

You are saying that seeing what is so great about her would relieve your insecurity? That is interesting. Not what I would expect.

You are already seeing someone who has a partner. Hers. Would you be willing to do whatever she requests?

Personally, I have no problem meeting anyone, other than my normal social anxieties. I'm pointing out how it may look to her. Don't take it personally if she is not ready yet.

 

[GalaGirl]

However, I'm nervous that she won't want to meet me. She's recently been divorced and has never been a apart of a poly-esque relationship.

Is that why you are feeling weird about her? You don't know if she plays well or if she's a nutter or a cowgirl or something?

I'm hoping that by meeting her I can get to know her and possibly see what my partner sees.

Wouldn't it be more direct/accurate to ask your partner what he sees? Rather than try to meet her and guess at what he sees?

Or any advice on how to present the idea to her to make it seem normal?

What kind of model are you trying to practice together? Is this a "separate V" or "kitchen poly" or something else?

Ask her if she's up for putting a face to the name since she's becoming an important part of his life. Nothing big -- even just a 5 min skype thing.

Galagirl

 

[hsun]

Is that why you are feeling weird about her? You don't know if she plays well or if she's a nutter or a cowgirl or something?

Im feeling weird about her because I think that she is just using him for emotional support and maybe doesn't have the right intentions? She recently got divorced from her husband who cheated on her so it's understandable to want company / support... but yes I think it mostly has to do with her not understanding this sort of a relationship / not sure what she is looking for.

Wouldn't it be more direct/accurate to ask your partner what he sees? Rather than try to meet her and guess at what he sees?

We have talked about her plenty and I understand why he enjoys spending time with her.. I think meeting her would just allow me to feel included as well? I guess I feel a little left out because I don't have anyone stagnant currently.. so feeling like I can potentially know her would make me feel included. Not that I want to spend that much time with her but I suppose if she's going to be around, I'd like to at least see for myself.

What kind of model are you trying to practice together? Is this a "separate V" or "kitchen poly" or something else?

I'm not totally sure... we don't really consider outselves to be poly per say? We are in an open relationship and pursue people separately but are open to other possibilities. We are each other's "primaries" but aren't looking for significant relationships outside of ours. More or less looking for fun with others and trying to step out of our comfort zones.

Ask her if she's up for putting a face to the name since she's becoming an important part of his life. Nothing big -- even just a 5 min skype thing.

Galagirl

Will do.. thanks for asking these questions, it's actually making me feel better just answering them!

 

[GalaGirl]

I think that she is just using him for emotional support and maybe doesn't have the right intentions?

If he's happy to be her emotional support... that's his biz. Not yours. You have to trust him that he knows when he's being "used" and can weed out anyone with bad intentions.

She recently got divorced from her husband who cheated on her so it's understandable to want company / support... but yes I think it mostly has to do with her not understanding this sort of a relationship / not sure what she is looking for.

Is it that you prefer that she is clear that she is participating in an Open relationship? And this isn't like "playing the field" with dating and he's going to eventually pick one of you over the other?

I guess I feel a little left out because I don't have anyone stagnant currently.. so feeling like I can potentially know her would make me feel included. Not that I want to spend that much time with her but I suppose if she's going to be around, I'd like to at least see for myself.

You've asked him to see if she's up for meeting. If she's not... she's just not.

If you feel left out because you don't currently have another dating partner... it's not really his job or her job to find you one or fix that.

Whether or not they include you/hang out with you/entertain you if you are bored/lonely/whatever.... that's why I asked what kind of model you practice. Very separate? Or kitchen table poly? Something else?

If you DO want that to be an expectation -- that you and him and other partners hang out together -- then you need to get clear on expectations with all participants.

I'm not totally sure... we don't really consider outselves to be poly per say? We are in an open relationship and pursue people separately but are open to other possibilities. We are each other's "primaries" but aren't looking for significant relationships outside of ours. More or less looking for fun with others and trying to step out of our comfort zones.

Whether you call yourselves "open" or "poly" or whatever... what's the expectation for hanging around with other partners?

Do you keep it "separate" for the most part and agree to be polite should you bump into each other out and about? If someone gets into hospital? Like minimal and polite?

Or are you going to all hang out together in groups? Like you, your BF, his other GF, your other BF, etc all going to dinner and a movie?

I think those kinds of expectations are something to sort out.

Galagirl

 

[hsun]

She's agreed to meet with me! I didn't really know what to expect but I'm so relieved that she said yes... now I'm struggling to figure out what I'd even like to say or do. Thank you all for feedback.. I'm a bit exhausted emotionally otherwise I'd directly respond but I've taken all comments into consideration and am working on myself versus investing in my partners.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to hear she's agreed to meet.

 

[GalaGirl]

Hope the meeting goes well.

GL!
Galagirl