Mentioning polyamory on dating site profiles or in messages

[Dagferi]

I agree with this too. I'm simply saying tell them on the date.

And to me that would be deceitful. If you have a gf, bf, fiance, fiancee, husband or wife, that should be discussed before the first date. Why get someone's hopes up? The only way that it could be ethical to wait is if you were single and poly.

 

[alibabe_muse]

I state I am poly on my okc profile and even link to my spouse's profile. When I am contacted, the first question I'll ask the person is, "Did you read my profile?" One reason for that is that viewers only look at the pix and send a message. If the answer is yes, then I ask them if they are ok with polyamory. Lots of times the answer is, "Oh yeah, no problem." I still investigate further and see if the questions in okc about open relationships/poly are answered yes or no. Lots of time after they say "ok," I read they said "no" on those questions. By this point, if there is not a good conversation going on, the person is obviously just trying to get in my pants and not worth my time.

 

[vanquish]

The only way that it could be ethical to wait is if you were single and poly.

No. That's not the only way. But I'm going to bow out of this one.

 

[WhatToDo]

It has to be brought up before the first date. I'd probably also discuss it on the first date just to make sure we're both on the same page. Why waste anybody's time and get them out without letting them know beforehand exactly what the situation was?

 

[vanquish]

It has to be brought up before the first date. I'd probably also discuss it on the first date just to make sure we're both on the same page. Why waste anybodies time and get them out without letting them know beforehand exactly what the situation was?

Who says it's a waste? You're assuming things if you think it's automatically going to be a waste.

Perhaps they date multiple people. That's more probable than not in my area, if you're on a dating site. Perhaps they're polyamorous. That's a little less likely, but ups the overall probability. Then you've got the people who might run screaming if they see polyamorous on the profile, but who can handle it once you talk about it in person. That's a huge amount of people.

By no means, in my opinion (I'm not stating my opinion in absolutes, they're are opinions, for goodness' sake), would it be dishonest, based on the way people I know date.

Why would anyone expect to show up on a first date and be able to compel you to be monogamous from the start? That's something that has to be discussed. I find it rather funny that on a polyamory forum like this, giving into the idea that monogamy should be expected and the default is being purported as the norm.

I don't see this as dishonest if the person reading the profile is operating off their own assumptions, and you're not refusing to answer questions when you meet.

I will say that the stigma of polyamory is enough to separate two people who might have otherwise met. Everyone has to judge for themselves whether it's a waste of time, because of failed dates, not to put it on their profile.

 

[WhatToDo]

If I were a transsexual, I would disclose it before the date. Sure, I could get there and find out the other person doesn't mind, but why not be up front about it?

 

[vanquish]

Anyone can do whatever they think is more likely to yield the results they want. Dag is saying that it's necessary, because otherwise would be a "douchebag move" and "disgusting."

Why not be upfront? Because you think explaining what poly means to you in person is better than someone reacting to what they think it means, especially if they don't have experience with it. Because you can rightly assume the probability that they also are dating more than one person. My partner has personally encountered all of the above on multiple occasions. Not one person has been offended or thought they'd wasted their time. Albeit that's a relatively small sample size when compared to society in general, but a real experience is more grounded than an abstract guess any day.

I personally believe that the analogy of being transexual to polyamorous is flawed. One has to do with physical and mental gender issues, the other has to do with a relationship style they may in fact be emulating by dating multiple people themselves.

Again, I'm not trying to say anyone should act in any way they don't want to. You feel it's hiding something-- don't do it.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have to agree with those that say it is something that needs to be disclosed before the first date.

The amount of time that I have to get out and go on dates (particularly first dates) is really limited. I do not want to go on a first date, then find out that the person I am on a date with is actually not a prospect for a relationship. It would be a waste of what I consider valuable time. If I am not interested in an open relationship, then a first date with someone in an open relationship would be a waste. If I am only interested in an open relationship, then a first date with a monogamous person would be a waste. Sure, it could be fun, but ultimately there's no point unless we're both interested in being friends. And let's face it, if you're meeting someone online with the intention to date, feeling like important information was hidden isn't going to be conducive to a friendship either.

 

[london]

I do indeed think relationships can be kept totally separate, but managing your relationships that way, and people being completely opposed to ever sharing space with a metamour, brings about limitations and almost forces you into a hierarchical situation.

It's been discussed on here before, and many people have a sound ethical argument for not always disclosing right away. I do, but there is some onus on the other person. If you are totally opposed to even consensually interacting with someone partnered, you should ask their relationship status.

 

[vanquish]

I do indeed think relationships can be kept totally separate, but managing your relationships that way, and people being completely opposed to ever sharing space with a metamour, brings about limitations and almost forces you into a hierarchical situation.

It's been discussed on here before, and many people have a sound ethical argument for not always disclosing right away. I do, but there is some onus on the other person. If you are totally opposed to even consensually interacting with someone partnered, you should ask their relationship status.

Exactly.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

If you are totally opposed to even consensually interacting with someone partnered, you should ask their relationship status.

Every dating site I have ever used has an area for relationship status in the profile. Granted, OKC has had recent updates so it is not visible for everyone who hasn't updated their profile since the updates, but in most cases it says "single" or "married" or "available" or something to that effect. What do you put in those areas? If someone says single, then they have answered the "what is your relationship status" question already so I wouldn't bother. If it's left blank, then sure... Ask.

 

[RedPanda]

Every dating site I have ever used has an area for relationship status in the profile. Granted, OKC has had recent updates so it is not visible for everyone who hasn't updated their profile since the updates, but in most cases it says "single" or "married" or "available" or something to that effect. What do you put in those areas? If someone says single, then they have answered the "what is your relationship status" question already so I wouldn't bother. If it's left blank, then sure... Ask.

That's a good point but I've noticed some of the poly people in my area have left theirs as "single". I tried that for a while but it felt very disingenuous.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

That's a good point but I've noticed some of the poly people in my area have left theirs as "single". I tried that for a while but it felt very disingenuous.

That would rub me the wrong way depending on the type of relationships involved. If it really is like they're just "dating multiple people," I wouldn't have a problem with it. If they have a live-in partner, spouse, or something like that it would feel very dishonest.

 

[london]

Even someone who is single may be dating people who could soon become a fully fledged romantic partner. I still ask.

 

[Tonberry]

So I know the conversation is now on when it's best to disclose, but I would like a clarification. If I understood your problem right, you have no problem getting answers when you don't mention poly, and you have no problem getting answers from mono people even if you mention poly, but poly people don't respond if you mention poly?

That seems a bit weird. One thing that comes to mind is that maybe because you have a committed partner they fear you're only looking for sex on the side, or that you're hierarchical and have tons of rules, etc. I used to talk in priority to guys who had a committed partner, because I'm interested in committed relationships and to me that showed they could have them, but half of them seemed to actually be cheating, either because they admitted it in some ways (oh yeah, we're poly, but my wife doesn't know) or because they had very weird "you can never see my wife or if you see her don't mention that we're dating" kinda rules.

And then the rest was very hierarchical. So it was all along the lines of "what do you mean a relationship? I have a wife already. I just want sex. You have a long-term partner top so that's what you want, right?" or "Of course we can have a relationship! You'll be allowed to see me from 9:30 to 11:30 once every other week, but first my wife needs to "interview" you to make sure you're okay. Then you can only give me blowjobs, and I can't interact with your vagina in any ways"

There was only one guy who seemed to have similar ideas as a did, and we turned out not be a match (we became friends though so that's still good). So I got a total of zero dates out of OKCupid (and I had to be the one sending messages to every single one of the guys, too).

It's possible people worry you're like that. Not sure what you can do about that, but hopefully someone will eventually give it a chance and talk to you to figure out if you are.

 

[vanquish]

I have a committed partner who lives with me the majority of the time, but I'd still list myself as single. And not bat an eye. We both see other people and describe each other as significant others. Perhaps it would be different if we were married, but we're not.

Unmarried people who have a significant other who agrees with them dating other people is single. Single people go on dates. Multiple dates with other people.

And like london says, there has to be some responsibility of the other person to ask about your situation. Most dating sites aren't the kind where you just read a profile and then meet up. You read a profile...make contact...talk on the site for a week or more...then start texting...then maybe a phone call...THEN meet up. If you can't get to know someone in that amount of time, then you're on your own in my book.

 

[Tonberry]

Well, I define single as "not having any partner at all", not "available to more partners". It's like, I have a sexual partner but am available for sex with others, that doesn't make me celibate.

Now, I'm aware that "single" can also mean "not married" but that's certainly not what dating sites mean so I think it's dishonest to act like it is.

 

[london]

Monogamous people often date a few people considering themselves single. When they commit to one of those people, they are no longer single. Similarly, some poly people who haven't made a formal romantic commitment to anyone may feel they are single. This is why you ask.

 

[vanquish]

It seems like there's a flaw in the nomenclature of the dating sites. Some folks here "fix" the problem by being over-inclusive despite the I'll effects. Others are, perhaps, under-inclusive so fix the problem that's no fault of their own.

I really wish people would stop using judgmental words to describe the feeling that the others' opinion gives them.

 

[IndieSolo]

I really wish people would stop using judgmental words to describe the feeling that the others' opinion gives them.

People judge. That's life. Without the capacity to judge, we wouldn't be able to dress ourselves in the morning nor know when to cross the street without getting run over. If one wants opinions on a topic, one is basically asking others to judge a situation and share their views. Judgmental language would be a part of that.

If one doesn't want to read the gamut of experiences and opinions from many different people who have divergent views and various ways of expressing themselves, then it would be better to ask for opinions from a closed, select group of people instead of strangers on an international public forum on the internet.