Met the wife

M

missmindful

New member
A month or so ago I posted about a second date with a man in an open relationship. I tried using his initials, but I don"t think of him that way, so for this post I will call him the professor. Things have been heating up for the past month, and with much advice from this forum, I agreed that it would be best to meet his wife early on. So, that happened, and now I am freaking out a bit.

Let me tell you a little about our history before I go into our meeting. I am recently divorced from a loveless/ abusive relationship. I have undergone a ton of therapy, and self work and I have been dating for a little over a year. I had one relationship last 3 months with a man who was also divorced, but he was still very much committed to his ex-wife. They shared a family house and a condo, and they moved back and forth for the kids. They were great friends, and his commitment to me seemed to be an "on the side" relationship to his family life. I wasn't ready for anything serious I honestly think they should have been poly. When the professor sent me a very thoughtful note on OKC, I thought, why not? You have nothing to lose.

We met and the sparks flew. It feels as if we were made for each other. We have had more fun this month 1/2 of dating than I have had in years. I am afraid I will fall in love with him, and that is not something I really considered when I first started dating him. I figured he would be more casual, but he has expressed that if we fell in love, he would welcome it. I don't know I how I feel about it. I am afraid that this is going to end in heartache. Im just not sure what kind of future this could hold if we did fall in love. He said that since he met his wife (nine years ago) I am the only person he can imagine a future with. I feel the same way- I can see the possibility- but I don't know how to visualize it, if that makes sense. I don't really want to be thinking about all of this so early after meeting, but the more time I spend with him- the more I like him. Should I just chill out and enjoy it? See where it goes?

I met him and Nadia (his wife) at a bar downtown. I was very nervous, and they were too. She smiled the whole time. It was pleasant, we talked about a race that the professor has been helping me train for, her job, my kids and her recent vacation to London with her boyfriend. We talked a little about how I felt a bit like a foreigner in their relationship. It is all new to me but it is to them as well. She liked me. She texted him immediately after from her uber and said she loved me and that I was perfect for him. We went for sushi and then back to their house where we made love in their bed and talked for hours. He knows I am feeling scared, and that I found the meeting to be a bit strange and surreal. We talk about absolutely everything. I am not entirely sure what questions I should be asking myself, and him for that matter.

I would love to hear any insight, personal stories and questions you may have. I found your replies to my previous post to be beyond helpful.
 
Hi, missmindful,

I can fully understand that after a long-term loveless/abusive relationship you might feel scared about it all happening again. Even if that isn't on the surface of your conscious mind.

I can also imagine - and I speak here as a long term [as a child] victim of emotional abuse (constant remarks undermining my self-confidence and sense of self-worth from my father and oldest sister, insufficient praise and affection from both parents, a lack of physical affection [hugging and cuddling] in the whole family) - that you feel "I don't deserve this happiness/love/acceptance. This can't be happening to me! Especially after only a year of dating. Surely I have to go through years of rocky relationships, heartbreak, and abandonment before I finally find true love."

[For too long a time, I believed that I was so unworthy of being loved that I treated anyone who showed a hint of caring for me in a nasty way. My tactic was to find out if they really loved me even if I treated them badly. They had to prove that their affection/love was REAL, was strong enough to forgive my meanness. It was really a diseased game that I was playing... and I was playing to lose. And it almost every case, I DID lose: I lost the affection of a great number of really nice women who couldn't handle constant rebuffs.]

Get two things perfectly straight, missmindful:

1) YOU are not to blame for your past abuse. (I advise anybody who has this problem to see the film "Good Will Hunting".)

2) There are 2 ways to look at this. Either
a) We ALL deserve love. Yes, even missmindful!... Or
b) Nobody deserves love. It's not something we've earned. It's a gift... and we should be willing to accept it with open arms and an open heart.

So, you fell on your feet. You found a wonderful man who has a wonderful wife, and both are happy to invite you into their hearts. Stop telling yourself that you don't deserve this much luck. Maybe you're DUE some happiness for a change.

Of course, how fast you're willing to go with this is up to you. And you should be aware of the dangers of NRE (new relationship energy) which can blind us to The Other's negative aspects as well as to possible dangers/imbalances/unhealthiness in the relationship.

But never say no to the chance of happiness because you don't think that you deserve it.

And if the professor and his wife are crafty abusers, rubbing their hands at having found a new victim (slim chance, but always a possibility), I want you to come 'round and give me a swift kick in the backside. :p

Hugs,
MFFR
 
I agree that the two of them sound loving and sincere enough.

Still, it might me perfectly reasonable one month in to stop again and ask yourself if you want this, or this, with someone monogamous.

Speaking just from my own experience, growing close with someone and getting commited works the same in poly or mono relationship. So if you stay around you probably will fall in love and will care and will want 'a future' with him... and if the poly aspekt is unsustainable for you then? Again, it is just as hard to break up as when you're dating someone mono...
 
I see some good signs here of future compatibility. Hehe that sounds like I've got a crystal ball or a tarot deck. I don't!

However, the Professor sounds nice, his wife sounds nice. You all met, and it went well, there was mutual support.

The fact that the wife has a bf that she traveled to Europe with is, I think, a good sign that this couple is managing well, or even past, any jealousy or time management problems.

As far as your future with Professor, you are contemplating getting on the relationship escalator with him. Unlike in a typical mono relationship, your expectations for a poly married man will be different.

Typical escalator: meet (online or irl), text, date, have sex, spend more and more time together, have overnight dates, have long weekends, start "going steady" and dropping any other people you are dating, bring some of your stuff to his place (extra clothes, toiletries, personal items) and vice versa, meet each others' friends and family, take a vacation together.... start to contemplate long term arrangement. Move in together, combine your furniture, buy some new items together, combine finances, maybe buy a place instead of rent, perhaps marry, have kids.

In polyamory, the relationship escalator can be the same, or you can get out on any floor. It's up to you and Professor (and to a degree, his wife and any other lovers you find) just how entangled you want to be! No pressure. Take your time deciding.
 
All of you are new at polyamory and all appear to have the best of intentions. They do not sound like predators or wackos. She's got another relationship, someone with whom she can freely travel which says that there is a certain amount of respect for autonomy in their dynamic.

You and he are able to talk honestly. You all got past the awkward meeting and your metamour seems supportive of her husband having another partner. Things look optimistic.

I think that only time will tell. If it's a good, healthy relationship, it's a good, healthy relationship - no matter what its parameters are.

Yes, the usual expectations of a monogamous relationship escalator won't apply here. Any number of arrangements are possible for you all if the relationship continues long-term. Living together, not living together, frequent interactions, infrequent, financially entwined, a little entwined, not entwined at all... and so on. But even if you and he were both monogamous, I would tell you not to get ahead of yourself. If it's good NOW, don't reject it simply because it looks like it won't lead to a typical destination you thought all relationships should reach LATER. You may find yourself completely and utterly happy with what you have with him, despite it not fitting into any imaginings you had for yourself about how your life would be. That is okay. Or you may find it doesn't work for you and need to let it go. That is also okay.

As long as you keep checking in with yourself, seeing how you feel, looking at the ingrained beliefs and thought processes that were taught to you (we all wrestle with those!), and sorting out who YOU are and what YOU want in the here and now, you will make it. And as long as your communications with him (and her, if necessary) are honest and address any concerns, you will be able to make informed choices.

It sounds like some good stuff going on. Take a breath, make sure your feet are on the ground, and stay present.
 
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Hi missmindful,

Your situation sounds promising, and I would continue to pursue it if I were you. However, since you're still in the early stages of getting to know the professor (and Nadia), I would continue to take it slow and with caution. If you're willing, keep us posted here as your situation evolves, and we will be able to give fresh advice.

Glad to hear things are going so well so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I am so glad I found this forum. I had a long chat last night with the Professor about our meeting and Nadia's impressions of me. I am relieved that she liked me. He said she kept saying that I am perfect for him. The Professor is originally from LA. I grew up in the NW, but I left home at 18 to work as a high fashion model. I travelled the world, walked all the major runways all over the world, and was in countless magazines. I lived in NY for about 15 years, and returned home eight years ago to marry my high school sweetheart. As you know, the marriage was emotionally abusive and ended in divorce. It was like I completely dissapeared from my old self and life as I knew it. I do not have many friends in the NW. I have a hard time relating to people. My life has been rather- extraordinary and I never quite felt like I fit in since I moved back. The Professor and I have a joke that we are both "snobs" and Nadia found this very funny. She also called him out for not being able to keep his hands off me,and she said I was very beautiful and sweet. I am just about to close on a condo, so th Professor has hosted all of our sleepovers. I can not believe how secure and confident they both are in their marriage. You all pointed this out, and I do believe that I happened to find a very loving couple.



I can fully understand that after a long-term loveless/abusive relationship you might feel scared about it all happening again. Even if that isn't on the surface of your conscious mind.

I can also imagine - and I speak here as a long term [as a child] victim of emotional abuse (constant remarks undermining my self-confidence and sense of self-worth from my father and oldest sister, insufficient praise and affection from both parents, a lack of physical affection [hugging and cuddling] in the whole family) - that you feel "I don't deserve this happiness/love/acceptance. This can't be happening to me! Especially after only a year of dating. Surely I have to go through years of rocky relationships, heartbreak, and abandonment before I finally find true love."
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MrFarFromRight Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you went through that. My ex-husband had a similar up-bringing. Although I do feel compassion for him that he suffered such abuse at a young age- I also can recognize that he was unable to reverse his own emotionally abusive behavior towards me, and just like him, I deserve to be loved. He couldn't seem to stop his constant sarcasm, attacks on my character, gas-lighting, and fits of rage- all directed at me. THere are children involved so I had to go. I started therapy and changing my lifestyle drastically three years before I left, and did not start dating again for a year and a half until the divorce was final. I can tell you that I was so starved for affection, love and sex that I almost feel sorry for the first guy I was with. :) I am stronger for it, and in a much better place now. I did land on my feet and they do seem quite amazing. I am however, scared of relationships. I am scared of falling in love again. The Professor and I talked about this the night that Nadia and I met. He is not worried. His philosophy is to- "live the life you want to have." He is very confident that he is good for me and that I am good for him. I don't know if this is a poly thing, or just his rather dominant nature, but I do find the confidence to be very hot.

Magdlyn, I had not heard the escalator metaphor before. Neither had the Professor. It opened up a conversation about how his marriage to Nadia has been evolving since they opened up their marriage over three years ago. They do not know where it will go. He said the key is communication, and everyone involved needs to keep talking.

NYCindie,

[Y But even if you and he were both monogamous, I would tell you not to get ahead of yourself. If it's good NOW, don't reject it simply because it looks like it won't lead to a typical destination you thought all relationships should reach LATER. You may find yourself completely and utterly happy with what you have with him, despite it not fitting into any imaginings you had for yourself about how your life would be. That is okay. Or you may find it doesn't work for you and need to let it go. That is also okay.

As long as you keep checking in with yourself, seeing how you feel, looking at the ingrained beliefs and thought processes that were taught to you (we all wrestle with those!), and sorting out who YOU are and what YOU want in the here and now, you will make it. And as long as your communications with him (and her, if necessary) are honest and address any concerns, you will be able to make informed choices.
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I loved this! It is true that I am hung up on the thought processes taught to me. Many of my friends are hung up on these thought processes as well, more than I am. I have been asked more than once, "What is the future in this?" I agree with you. It is good now. And you are right, it might work and it might not, but that would be the same scenario if he were monogamous.

Again, thank you all for your sound advice. The Professor thanks you too, he said- you all put my mind to rest. :) I am leaving you with a poem that really sums up the journey I have been on and is serving as a reminder to just go for it. As the Professor says; "Kiss life fully on the mouth."

You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.
You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.
You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths…
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don’t know.
You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.
You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice…

-Pablo Neruda
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missmindful said:
I am afraid that this is going to end in heartache.
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Whether this ends in heartache or whether this becomes the most amazing, expansive, liberating and joyful adventure of your life entirely depends on what you decide to focus upon. How you feel in this situation and how you perceive yourself are what steer "What is the future in this."
 
This thread was started by missmindful to discuss and ask questions about her current relationship with a married poly man. Let's keep it on-topic or the thread will be locked.

MrFarFromRight, on behalf of the Moderating team, I am requesting that you please keep any questions for your book project in the thread you started about that project, which has been moved to the Fireplace forum, and refrain from peppering the rest of the forum with more posts to research your book.

Thank you.
 
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