Metamour Manipulation? Can't Tell...
- Thread starter BelleRose
- Start date
This makes a great deal of sense... and I can see how the confusion would have arisen.
This is why good communication is vital in poly relationships. Seems like you and George both want similar levels of (non) interaction with metamours, which should reduce the tension tremendously.
Likewise, scheduling is more important in poly relationships than mono ones, especially in cases where there is an entire polycule or network to consider. Everybody's needs are valid and everyone's time is equally valuable, so it's great that you're both considering the needs of OSOs when it comes to allotting your time.
Good. Stick to your boundaries. You're obviously feeling much happier now that you've asserted yourself, and if someone else is a little upset about it for a while, that's unfortunate but not something you have to cave into... especially not if you suspect Gina really was acting in an overly possessive manner.
If she's any kind of a decent human being, chances are she will ultimately respect you, and your relationship with George, a lot more once she realises you aren't a pushover, yet are not out to "steal her man" or insinuate yourself into *their* relationship either.
BelleRose
New member
Sigh. What ended up happening was a group text, and while at first it seemed dramatic to me, it was ultimately a blessing in disguise.
We threw a going away party for our bar family member/co-worker of 11 years who is moving. It was last night (Sat). George double checked with me to make sure I was okay with Gina dropping by the bar that night, to which I responded, of course! It was never my intention to make her feel unwelcome. Just not to have interaction forced on me while I'm working, particularly on a night we have a standing date. It wasn't our night, and I'd be there in a purely social capacity, so of course I was fine with it.
The night went fine, I thought. Gina and I interacted a bit (she initiated conversation, etc. and I reciprocated enough to be polite and then continued interacting with my friends). Some small hiccups, for me, but nothing insurmountable. At one point she did tell a friend of mine that she was planning to drop in this coming Friday while standing next to me, so obviously I'd heard her. That just happens to be my birthday weekend, with Sunday being the day of my actual birthday and the day of my party which I already know that George won't be able to attend in its entirety because of a planned LGBTQ cruise with Gina. I absolutely felt that this had been passive aggressive, but I wasn't really worried about it because George had double checked with me that night about whether I was comfortable with Gina dropping by even though I wasn't working, even though it was a Sat, so I assumed he'd double check with me again on a night that I was working (and on the night of our standing date...and my birthday...) and trusted that my boundary would be respected. She also said goodbye to me but then reappeared fifteen minutes later, telling me that her husband was on a date and told her he wasn't coming home, so she didn't have to go home either (translation: she was going home with George). But that was more than fine with me. We don't have a standing date on Saturday nights so nothing was being broken. I probably hadn't needed the update, but in any case I responded politely and went back to my friends.
It turns out that she wasn't happy with the evening. Though I'd thought I'd been clear about needing more space, she took my minimal interactions with her as a slight. Also, at the very end of the night I got pretty emotional saying goodbye to my friend who is moving and excused myself to the bathroom. I was only gone for about five minutes but I needed to have myself a good cry in private, fix my mascara, etc. I'm not sure how that was interpreted to be personal toward her. It was very clear that we were having a going away party, and quite a few of us were crying, hugging, etc. Expected goodbye-old-friend behavior. But she took that as me avoiding saying goodbye to her, and later expressed that she believed I was doing so because she'd communicated her intention to go home with George.
I woke up to a group text that she'd sent, directed at me, but with George included to "squash" (her words) whatever issues were happening between us.
I was initially quite upset. Especially because there was a blatant fabrication in the message. She'd said that she'd reached out to me via text several times but had gotten no response, I presume to support the argument that I was somehow being unduly unkind. I'm a millennial and former systems analyst. I have a completely history of my texts on my computer from 2011 - that absolutely never happened. But halfway through crafting a response I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to delineate my boundaries in no uncertain terms, and because George was looped into the conversation there would be no more room for any future "misunderstandings".
As such, Gina finally agreed to respect the Friday no fly zone. As in she won't be asking George every other Friday whether I'm "okay" with it and then putting me in a position to continuously reassert a boundary even though nothing has happened that could conceivably have caused it to magically change (sorry, I'm a bit touchy on that still). We overtly discussed my preference for parallel vs. kitchen table poly - THANK YOU EVERYONE IN THIS THREAD FOR TEACHING ME THESE TERMS AND HELPING ME MAKE THAT VERY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION FOR MYSELF! And once we were done hashing things out between the two of us, George responded saying he agreed that parallel poly is best for all of us going forward, and even asked that if we do pursue a friendship going forward that we keep the sharing of separate relationship details to a minimum. I was SO relieved that this was out there (and that I have physical text evidence of this specific request) because even within the hashing out of things, Gina disclosed a detail about having unprotected sex with George that, frankly, I didn't need to know. Not in that context, and not from her. There's no need for me to be getting texts from a metamour about their sexual practices.
Hopefully this was the beginning of a drama free road ahead.
We threw a going away party for our bar family member/co-worker of 11 years who is moving. It was last night (Sat). George double checked with me to make sure I was okay with Gina dropping by the bar that night, to which I responded, of course! It was never my intention to make her feel unwelcome. Just not to have interaction forced on me while I'm working, particularly on a night we have a standing date. It wasn't our night, and I'd be there in a purely social capacity, so of course I was fine with it.
The night went fine, I thought. Gina and I interacted a bit (she initiated conversation, etc. and I reciprocated enough to be polite and then continued interacting with my friends). Some small hiccups, for me, but nothing insurmountable. At one point she did tell a friend of mine that she was planning to drop in this coming Friday while standing next to me, so obviously I'd heard her. That just happens to be my birthday weekend, with Sunday being the day of my actual birthday and the day of my party which I already know that George won't be able to attend in its entirety because of a planned LGBTQ cruise with Gina. I absolutely felt that this had been passive aggressive, but I wasn't really worried about it because George had double checked with me that night about whether I was comfortable with Gina dropping by even though I wasn't working, even though it was a Sat, so I assumed he'd double check with me again on a night that I was working (and on the night of our standing date...and my birthday...) and trusted that my boundary would be respected. She also said goodbye to me but then reappeared fifteen minutes later, telling me that her husband was on a date and told her he wasn't coming home, so she didn't have to go home either (translation: she was going home with George). But that was more than fine with me. We don't have a standing date on Saturday nights so nothing was being broken. I probably hadn't needed the update, but in any case I responded politely and went back to my friends.
It turns out that she wasn't happy with the evening. Though I'd thought I'd been clear about needing more space, she took my minimal interactions with her as a slight. Also, at the very end of the night I got pretty emotional saying goodbye to my friend who is moving and excused myself to the bathroom. I was only gone for about five minutes but I needed to have myself a good cry in private, fix my mascara, etc. I'm not sure how that was interpreted to be personal toward her. It was very clear that we were having a going away party, and quite a few of us were crying, hugging, etc. Expected goodbye-old-friend behavior. But she took that as me avoiding saying goodbye to her, and later expressed that she believed I was doing so because she'd communicated her intention to go home with George.
I woke up to a group text that she'd sent, directed at me, but with George included to "squash" (her words) whatever issues were happening between us.
I was initially quite upset. Especially because there was a blatant fabrication in the message. She'd said that she'd reached out to me via text several times but had gotten no response, I presume to support the argument that I was somehow being unduly unkind. I'm a millennial and former systems analyst. I have a completely history of my texts on my computer from 2011 - that absolutely never happened. But halfway through crafting a response I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to delineate my boundaries in no uncertain terms, and because George was looped into the conversation there would be no more room for any future "misunderstandings".
As such, Gina finally agreed to respect the Friday no fly zone. As in she won't be asking George every other Friday whether I'm "okay" with it and then putting me in a position to continuously reassert a boundary even though nothing has happened that could conceivably have caused it to magically change (sorry, I'm a bit touchy on that still). We overtly discussed my preference for parallel vs. kitchen table poly - THANK YOU EVERYONE IN THIS THREAD FOR TEACHING ME THESE TERMS AND HELPING ME MAKE THAT VERY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION FOR MYSELF! And once we were done hashing things out between the two of us, George responded saying he agreed that parallel poly is best for all of us going forward, and even asked that if we do pursue a friendship going forward that we keep the sharing of separate relationship details to a minimum. I was SO relieved that this was out there (and that I have physical text evidence of this specific request) because even within the hashing out of things, Gina disclosed a detail about having unprotected sex with George that, frankly, I didn't need to know. Not in that context, and not from her. There's no need for me to be getting texts from a metamour about their sexual practices.
Hopefully this was the beginning of a drama free road ahead.
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
I am VERY glad you were able to reassert your boundaries in a meaningful way and that George stood up for you! Gina behaved terribly.