AtlantaBunny007
New member
I'm new to this site, I'm pretty embarrassed that I am even posting this for all to see but I am at a complete lose. This is rather long but I'll try to give the story in detail without length. I'm hoping someone out there has maybe gone through something similar and can offer some advice or if anyone could point me in a direction that would be wonderful.
Ryan and I have been together as primary partners for 4 years. We have a great little family as well as we've been living together for 3. About 10 months ago while I was pregnant he found someone whom he liked. I had gotten a very bad feeling from this person so I tried to say pretty far away. Fast forward about a month and she had publicly said that she was hoping she could break us up. (MAJOR RED FLAG CONFIRMING MY UNEASY FEELING ABOUT HER). I brought it to Ryan who just shrugged it off and said no one can do that but you or I. Things continue to escalate, she calls me names, talks just absolutely horrible about me, tells people that she's his wife, gets tattoos as "tribute" for him, has brought mine and Ryan's oldest child into the fued. She uprooted her life and moved over an hr and a half from her job to be closer to him because he "wasn't seeing her enough" (that was her exact word for word reasoning). I have made my stance very well known that I cannot stand this female and that I would be thrilled for her to be completely removed from his life permanently. In the beginning of our relationship we had a veto power agreement under terms of if our relationship was ever negatively effected for a long period done on purpose by someone else that they would no longer have contact with either of us. He no longer will honor that saying "I never heard HER directly say any of these things" this is leaving me beyond frustrated and angry.
I don't want to fix anything with this female, to me she is the lowest form of person for wanting and admitting to wanting to break up a very established family. She is no longer allowed at our house, around our kids, or anywhere that we could possibly run into each other. Now her having moved almost next door has made this very stressful. With the threats she has said I'm fearful that she may come through on some of them. Ryan doesn't share any of my concerns and tells me she wouldn't and that if I believe she would I'm paranoid and that she's just angry because she can't have more time because I refuse to have her share my time with him. She slanders me on social media, to my own friends, to his friends and I'm sure her friends. I'm not perfect and don't have clean hands, when she said she wanted harm to come to my kids and me I came completely unglued and unfortunately showed my ass and said my own nasty remarks.
Now here is my problem Im hoping for advice, recommendations or insights with: He sees this female 2x a week and ever since the mark of where things have begun getting progressively worse roughly 2 mo after her first appearance I feel incredibly uneasy, we argue everytime he sees this person. He says he needs complete and total freedom which he says is coming home whenever he wants no time frame (we have 4 children all together so I am guilty of asking him to be home around 1:30am to help me if any are not having a good night). I feel that this person has brought out the absolute worst in him, I don't recognize his behavior at all anymore and that terrifies me. Since they have gotten closer he has broken our rules he hasn't out right lied but he hasn't disclosed the truth either, he will not openly talk to me and if I asked questions he becomes defensive and tells me it's his business. We used to disclose everything and that was our policy, leave out intimate details but disclose everything. Other people have been the ones to unknowingly fill me in on everything and I have had to sit there without reaction when they tell me or ask if I knew which is humiliating to me.
He wants more time and freedom with her (freedoms means he doesn't want me to get angry when he comes home at 4-5am without a call or text that he won't be on time or asking if everyone is asleep/ if I need help with the children). Because of this and schedules I don't get much if any adult time with him so when he said that he wants to see her more I felt insulted and told him he's asking a homeless man for money, there's just nothing to give. I have told him over and over I'm not getting enough time with him and his response is "well if you let me do what I want and spend time with her you'll get more" which is a complete oxymoron.
With his behavior change and him wanting more time with this female and how awful she is to me and disrespectful to me and my relationship I feel extremely insecure. We speak to someone once every other week which leads to just another day of arguing. I don't believe that he loves me the way he once did. I don't feel secure in the relationship and I don't know what to do. He tells me I'm controlling and pushing him away. How can I deal or cope with this female constantly bad mouthing me, him saying it's not really happening because she doesn't say it directly to him or directly to me and how can I not feel this strong reaction of anger, threat and despair when he wants to see her? I'm so tired of me not having any time with him, he refuses to text me if he's with her but the few times I've coaxed him to have a "date" with me he just texted her the whole time which ruined it for me it wasn't fun or loving anymore. That is what I mean by adult time, one on one enjoying it.
I feel like all I am and why he's with me is so someone is there to watch the kids, clean the house and sleep next to and he has her for having fun, enjoying himself and feeling happy and in love. He has been told all of this many times over plus some.
Ryan and I have been together as primary partners for 4 years. We have a great little family as well as we've been living together for 3. About 10 months ago while I was pregnant he found someone whom he liked. I had gotten a very bad feeling from this person so I tried to say pretty far away. Fast forward about a month and she had publicly said that she was hoping she could break us up. (MAJOR RED FLAG CONFIRMING MY UNEASY FEELING ABOUT HER). I brought it to Ryan who just shrugged it off and said no one can do that but you or I. Things continue to escalate, she calls me names, talks just absolutely horrible about me, tells people that she's his wife, gets tattoos as "tribute" for him, has brought mine and Ryan's oldest child into the fued. She uprooted her life and moved over an hr and a half from her job to be closer to him because he "wasn't seeing her enough" (that was her exact word for word reasoning). I have made my stance very well known that I cannot stand this female and that I would be thrilled for her to be completely removed from his life permanently. In the beginning of our relationship we had a veto power agreement under terms of if our relationship was ever negatively effected for a long period done on purpose by someone else that they would no longer have contact with either of us. He no longer will honor that saying "I never heard HER directly say any of these things" this is leaving me beyond frustrated and angry.
I don't want to fix anything with this female, to me she is the lowest form of person for wanting and admitting to wanting to break up a very established family. She is no longer allowed at our house, around our kids, or anywhere that we could possibly run into each other. Now her having moved almost next door has made this very stressful. With the threats she has said I'm fearful that she may come through on some of them. Ryan doesn't share any of my concerns and tells me she wouldn't and that if I believe she would I'm paranoid and that she's just angry because she can't have more time because I refuse to have her share my time with him. She slanders me on social media, to my own friends, to his friends and I'm sure her friends. I'm not perfect and don't have clean hands, when she said she wanted harm to come to my kids and me I came completely unglued and unfortunately showed my ass and said my own nasty remarks.
Now here is my problem Im hoping for advice, recommendations or insights with: He sees this female 2x a week and ever since the mark of where things have begun getting progressively worse roughly 2 mo after her first appearance I feel incredibly uneasy, we argue everytime he sees this person. He says he needs complete and total freedom which he says is coming home whenever he wants no time frame (we have 4 children all together so I am guilty of asking him to be home around 1:30am to help me if any are not having a good night). I feel that this person has brought out the absolute worst in him, I don't recognize his behavior at all anymore and that terrifies me. Since they have gotten closer he has broken our rules he hasn't out right lied but he hasn't disclosed the truth either, he will not openly talk to me and if I asked questions he becomes defensive and tells me it's his business. We used to disclose everything and that was our policy, leave out intimate details but disclose everything. Other people have been the ones to unknowingly fill me in on everything and I have had to sit there without reaction when they tell me or ask if I knew which is humiliating to me.
He wants more time and freedom with her (freedoms means he doesn't want me to get angry when he comes home at 4-5am without a call or text that he won't be on time or asking if everyone is asleep/ if I need help with the children). Because of this and schedules I don't get much if any adult time with him so when he said that he wants to see her more I felt insulted and told him he's asking a homeless man for money, there's just nothing to give. I have told him over and over I'm not getting enough time with him and his response is "well if you let me do what I want and spend time with her you'll get more" which is a complete oxymoron.
With his behavior change and him wanting more time with this female and how awful she is to me and disrespectful to me and my relationship I feel extremely insecure. We speak to someone once every other week which leads to just another day of arguing. I don't believe that he loves me the way he once did. I don't feel secure in the relationship and I don't know what to do. He tells me I'm controlling and pushing him away. How can I deal or cope with this female constantly bad mouthing me, him saying it's not really happening because she doesn't say it directly to him or directly to me and how can I not feel this strong reaction of anger, threat and despair when he wants to see her? I'm so tired of me not having any time with him, he refuses to text me if he's with her but the few times I've coaxed him to have a "date" with me he just texted her the whole time which ruined it for me it wasn't fun or loving anymore. That is what I mean by adult time, one on one enjoying it.
I feel like all I am and why he's with me is so someone is there to watch the kids, clean the house and sleep next to and he has her for having fun, enjoying himself and feeling happy and in love. He has been told all of this many times over plus some.
