MFM V. Advice?

B

Bethicakes

New member
Granted my relationships have been going for a little bit, but we've recently just moved in together. Weve also recently discovered polyamory and really put a name to what we were doing. Hubby and I have 3 children and bf is pretty amazing with them. We just seem to be doing everything else wrong. What would you say the biggest mistake you made in the beginning and how did you fix it?
 
It might help you get more helpful answers if you could give some idea of what you're doing "wrong." You say "Everything else," but that's a pretty huge range of things. Unless you're just looking for other people's experiences and not advice on your own.

The only mistake I can think of that I made at the beginning of my poly journey was giving Hubby too many details about my interactions--particularly the sexual ones--with my other partner. That was easy to fix; Hubby asked me to stop giving him so much detail and I agreed.

Then again, when I started, I didn't know how things were "supposed to" work, or what I was "supposed to" do, so I just did things the way I thought would be best, my guys went along with it because they had this bizarre idea that I knew what I was doing, and it all went fairly smoothly.
 
I agree with KC43. More details would be helpful! Not all situations are equal, as not everyone is okay with the same stuff; like the above example, some people would be fine with hearing details; or some partners may not want those details given out to the other partner. Communication about boundaries and expectations are important.

If you could provide more details people can help better perhaps. :)
 
I guess I'm not exactly asking for advice per se. I'm just curious what everyone learned in the beginning. I'm in the same boat as kc43, my guys have this idea that I just understand how this is supposed to work. So when we hit a snag, they all look at me.

I mean we've all established what we call hard limits, making fun of the fact that I have dubbed bf, mr. Grey lol. For example one of hubby's hard limits - bf laying on his pillow lol. Boyfriend on the other hand has defined any details about me and hubby in bed as a hard limit.

I myself understand the idea of too much details. Bf started seeing my best friend. They asked for what I was comfortable with and I gave it to them. He for the most part followed those guidelines. Just tell me your going out. Nothing in the house. She blew them out of the water and told me way too much. Some of which bf swears isn't true. Bf and I are working thru it now. Granted we've been seeing each other for 9 months. We've only really been together for about a month. Everything before that was denying how we feel and ignoring it.

BF started seeing my best friend a few days after we decided we would be a couple and we entered into the v. I don't believe it was a good idea for him to see her so soon as I just don't feel you can build 2 relationships at once. But it kept getting thrown in my face that I got to have two. Hubby has recently started seeing someone too. So why couldn't bf. Needless to say we are on the rocks and have lost something because of all of it. I could have eventually shared him, I just wasn't ready to do so and didn't feel our relationship was where it needed to be to be adding more to it.

It just feels like we're at a stale mate. I don't trust that my best frind won't try to start more stuff to get bf all to herself. She's not a poly type of person. Very mono. Very possessive. Needless to say I've lost a friendship of 9 years because of all of this. She just crossed too many lines and tried to basically steamroll herself into our v before anyone really knew what was happening. But that's her for you. She didn't add anything to this family and instead took away things. Like my ability to be who I am under my roof cause she couldn't see it. And what she told me made me look at bf differently. I trusted he wouldn't try to hurt me. I didn't think he would ignore what I was comfortable with. I'm not really sure we will come back from all of this either.

So I wasn't trying to vent or anything in this thread but it just kinda happened. I don't know what to do. And everyone is looking to me for answers. And I just don't have them.
 
When its just the 3 of us, before everything just seemed to go wrong, it's pretty freaking fantastic. Like cuddling on the couch watching tv, I sit in the middle. And I can rest my head on one and prop my feet on the other and I've got a hand in each of theirs... that's about all I can have with both of them and I'm okay with that. But it's time I can share with each. I don't have to pick just one. It's got to be one of the greatest things ever. It was that moment that I realized how happy I really was. They are both pretty awesome guys on their own and they let me love both of them. Now they've both crawled in bed with me and snuggled me and I'm not sure I'm good with that just yet... too many hands and a queen size bed just isn't big enough. But I understand how amazing it can be loving more than one. I don't think I could go back to being monogamous if I wanted to.
 
Welcome Bethicakes!

I hear how things have been changing for you so rapidly. I get how you were hiding your feelings about BF for a long while (did the same thing with Jack), but it sounds like everything's so new! You all are likely wrapped up in NRE (New Relationship Energy), which typically lasts 6-24 months.

My biggest difficulty in the beginning was not researching enough. I was in a MFM V for several years before Roger started dating Taylor (making us more of a N). I had no clue what I was doing, similar to yourself. Check out More than Two and Opening Up as two books for you to start delving into the poly world. Have your partners read chapters with you and answer questions at the end of the chapter (at least in More than Two). And overall, communicate, communicate, communicate!

My suggestion to you (which I think you'll agree with) is to slooooooow down. I agree that it seems early for BF to start seeing someone new. I'd even suggest that husband is moving too quickly. You need time to let the dust settle and get into more stability. Granted, it sounds like neither of them are open to this (and I don't encourage any kind of vetoing). So that may not be an option for them, but it is for you. Instead of relying on you to do all the heavy lifting: encourage them to read, send them articles, and have them come on the forum. This is new for everyone, and you shouldn't have the responsibility of being the "expert."

I'm sorry to hear about difficulties with your BFF. At least now you can be firm in your boundaries about no details. Give it time. It's only been a month - the first year is often incredibly difficult. Hope that helps!
 
I want to slow down. But everyone around me is just moving faster than the flash. Hubby started seeing someone just to chat with and they have been on 1 date which was a double with bf and i. He just wanted someone to talk to while bf and I were figuring us out. I'm not really worried about what he's doing. Actually I'm kinda happy for him. He's so cute lol.

Bf just "found someone who completed him" within days of knowing her and pretty much ignored us unless I begged or pleaded. We didn't have time for nre to sink in. When we ignored our feelings for each other, we were rather explosive. When we admitted them and found ourselves in a v, I had less than a week of this weird bliss I can only contribute to being nre. There was no real honeymoon stage. Nothing. Because instead of turning our relationship from a sexual one to a romantic one and figuring out how to do that, he was busy with someone else. And she butted into me and him more times than I can admit. But I can't blame him for the crap she did to me. I don't believe one person can control another.

I'd like to believe it's not really jealousy i feel. It feels different. It's being let down I guess. It's thinking I mattered and discovering I'll always be the back burner. Does that make any sense?
 
I'm sorry you're feeling let down. It does make sense to me, the way you describe it.

Have you told your BF? Expressed how you were feeling and identified what you'd like to change? Do you want more quality time? Need more affection? Reassurance? What are your needs? Anything from here?: https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Is he poly? Perhaps he's looking for a mono partner? Or looking for someone who he can also get married to and entangle his life with?

Just some initial thoughts.
 
reflections said:
I'm sorry you're feeling let down. It does make sense to me, the way you describe it.

Have you told your BF? Expressed how you were feeling and identified what you'd like to change? Do you want more quality time? Need more affection? Reassurance? What are your needs? Anything from here?: https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Is he poly? Perhaps he's looking for a mono partner? Or looking for someone who he can also get married to and entangle his life with?

Just some initial thoughts.
Click to expand...

I tried repeatedly to talk to him. It always seemed to go in one ear and out the other as soon as she, my then bestfriend entered the picture. he just didn't seem to care anymore. Every time we tried to talk, it was always about how well they click and how she understands him. it couldn't just be about us. I'll have to check that link out in a few. As much as I love him, which btw is quite a bit, I'm worried that now its just a little too late. ITs been about a week since we tried to fix any of this. And as selfish as it sounds, I completely cant stand the fact that I've got to put in all this work to fix us when he just let it go in the first place.

Is he poly? lol his sister use to always joke that he was. He's just not happy with one person and I can completely understand that. But as much as he says he cares and he cant imagine a day without me in it, it just all feels too little too late. I worry that I'm giving up honestly. Everything with us use to just be so completely easy. I hate to say that I just thought we'd be on better grounds when he found another. I didn't think it would be so sudden. I know you cant control what comes your way, but I also don't believe that you should proceed with another relationship when the first is barely starting out. maybe that's the wrong way to think in all of this.

Ive been doing so much self discovery in everything. trying to figure out how to be the best I can at this. I'm sure I come off wishy washy at times because at first I told them that they should table it and let he and I figure us out. That was great with them, for about 2 days. then I discovered that wasn't going to happen when I got cornered by best friend asking what she could and couldn't do with BF, so I said fine be together. I don't want to know. The best friend wasn't okay with that at all. she wouldn't proceed unless I back away from him completely. Everyone, hubby included was so worried about how everyone including her fit in this family and they hadn't figured out if they wanted ot be something or not. so I said fine. I'll back off. I'm out. BF wasn't okay with that at all. then I was told they wouldn't proceed unless they spoke to me in person. only to catch them making out, practically fucking on my couch with their clothes on.

So I instituted the not in my house rule. I don't want to see it. I wasn't ready to share him, so I didn't want it rubbed in my face. So now we had 2 rules. I don't want to know, I wont ask, not in my house. Best friend blew that away when she sat on my porch telling me EVERYTHING they had ever done and when. BF had made adequate excuses to leave the house and I never questioned him because I had no reason to. She blew all his excuses out of the water. Now I find myself questioning every move he makes and it bugs the hell out of me.

this was Halloween and I invited her to the house so all the kids could have a great day. I didn't want to ruin the kids holiday so I just pent it all up inside. I dolt her I didnt want to know. even tried to throw in something she didnt want to hear to shut her up, it dodnt work. BF gets home with all his stuff to move in and she kept calling him away. it ended up being me getting 3 kids ready alon and not having the time to get ready myself. Best friend ended up ruining the kids Halloween trying to be some drill sgt cause bf and I stayed at the house for a bit so I could get ready while she and hubby took the kids down the street. she then told the kids that they could sleep in the living room and my son could have his room to himself. leaving her absolutely no where to sleep. THen I got hurt. yes I'm clumsy as hell. End up going to the er. still reeling from everything that she had told me that I didn't want to know. next day she told me that had spent the night together. keep in mind, bf doesn't normally sleep next to anyone, he just cant. but he did it for her the first chance he got. it just so happened to be the first night that BF had officially moved it. call me weird, but things like that mean something to me. she swears they sex together. he said nothing happened then told me they made out and talked. Either way it was under my roof. If I cant be with BF like I want to be under my own roof cause shes here, I don't see it fair she could either. and besides what were my rules. NOT IN MY HOUSE.

Yeah I know that's another rant. I just don't know how to come back from this. I don't want to say maybe I entered into this with the wrong person. but that's how its starting to feel. how can I be with someone who ignores every boundary I try to put down. GRanted he didn't mess up most of it cause it was her big mouth that ruined a lot. but he just let her. And even after everything that she did, every boundary she made, he still insists on keeping her in his life. I guess i'm just over here waiting for the next shoe to drop. She is no longer someone I call a friend. But that doesn't mean that she wont keep trying to ruin everything BF and I are trying to fix.

I don't feel like I can trust him because he has lied to me and it was so easy for those lies to just come out of his mouth. All he has to tell me is that he was going out. I agreed not to ask questions. I'm not someone who likes to pry. HEs a very private person. who btw started opening up right before best friend entered the picture and then when she did, she got everything I had worked so hard to reach. that still hurts a bit. Every bit of it still hurts a bit. Every time we talk it just turns into a fight now. I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to get past any of it. It feels stupid to hold him so accountable for the actions of someone else but he just let her do it time and time again. it was like he was giving her ammo to use.

yup a ranted again. I'm home alone and yall are the only people Ive got to talk to. Hubby had plans to go see his gf. I thought BF would be here as we agreed to have a movie night tonight, but he decided at the last minute he wanted to go out. So I'm all alone. with nothing to do but bug the poly people online......
 
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I hope it helps to rant. I'm glad you have a space to talk - sounds like you really need it about now!

Here's my perspective. I'm wondering what keeping you in this relationship with your boyfriend. I hear how you love him, and you need to decide what's best for YOU, but I'm also hearing how your needs aren't being met. You ask for things like movie night, and he says no. It sounds like he isn't as invested in the relationship as you are. Perhaps you are right and he's not a great poly partner. Doesn't mean you give up on poly, but maybe you decide that you want partners who are going to support you.

If you are willing to keep trying, what is your limit? 1 month? 3? 6? 12? Do you see yourself continuing like this for 5 years? 10? Only you can answer that.

Granted, what you're dealing with sounds VERY raw. It's only been a few days. But you also haven't been dating him for very long.

If you are committed to staying with him, I think couples therapy would be the best bet. There are lots of problems to work out here, and if you're having difficulty even talking with him, then having a neutral party to help mediate your discussions could be really useful.

I think you all may have jumped in a bit quick to this. Moving in together after just turning the relationship into a romantic one. Finding new partners. If I know one thing about being poly, it's that it shines the light on ALL the problems in preexisting relationships. So any flaws you made have had with boyfriend are hugely magnified right now.

Again, what do you need right now to take care of yourself? No contact to BFF? Things your BF can do? Things you can do for yourself to gain inner peace? You're in the thick of it now, so please do take care of yourself. Even seeing a therapist on your own could be useful to help to untangle some of these difficulties. Make sure you're getting sleep, eating, doing activities you enjoy, spending time with friends, meditation. Whatever you need to get some clarity and perspective about how you want to proceed. Hoping that helps for you.
 
Hi Bethicakes, I'm also in a V shape relationship with two guys, one of whom has another partner, so I know how quickly things can get confusing!

Reading your posts I got almost overwhelmed by the amount of new relationships and change you have going on right now. New-ish relationship with your boyfriend, new roommate relationships for you, boyfriend, and hubby, new bf/BFF relationship, changes to your relationship with BFF, probably changes to boyfriend's relationships with your kids since he has moved in... Wow.

If you don't feel like you can slow things down, can you maybe impose some order on the chaos? Sit down with bf and hubby and plan out a schedule? It doesn't have to be set in stone, you could try just to plan out the next week or month. But it sounds like your needs aren't getting met in terms of time and attention, and that isn't fair.

So maybe start with kid stuff and work stuff that takes priority, and from there set aside date nights for you/hubby and you/bf, and time for the three of you if you want that. (Date night doesn't have to mean going out, just one-on-one time to nurture the relationship.)

You can ask boyfriend to figure out what his needs are in terms of time with BFF, get that in the schedule as well. A part of that is you figuring out how much contact with her you can handle right now - does he need to go to her place to see her? Are you ok with her in your home if you have advance warning and can go out or stay busy?

Hubby can also use a schedule for his outside dates. Obviously if he meets someone he wants to start a relationship with, his time needs might change, but for now just ask him to let you know what he needs in terms of free time for dates.

Schedules seem like the opposite of romance and passion but they can be relationship savers. And it doesn't have to be you imposing a schedule on them, it can be you ASKING them what time and energy they need for x,y, and z and making sure they have the support of the household. And voicing your own needs and asking them for their help in getting those met.

(As for the boyfriend/ best friend thing... The boundary pushing is not cool. Stick up for yourself and don't feel guilty about needing your house to be a safe space for you.)

Good luck!
 
I have been in a MFM V for almost 4 years.

I read your thread early this morning and I had to wait to reply. Now that I have had some time to think on what you said all I can say is WTF are you all doing?

This thread is everything you should not be doing in a poly relationship.

You move a man into you your home WITH YOUR CHILDREN before you have formed a solid relationship. Then your "best friend" comes along and snipes your new boyfriend. Then she starts playing cowgirl.

None of this is healthy polyamory. It sounds like a bunch of people thinking with their freaking hormones. What about the children? What kind of example is this to show them?
 
Yeah everything did go way too fast. And I guess I'm still with him because what I feel for him so soemthing so much deeper than I'm use to. I guess I'm holding on hope that we rekindle what we were. And I'm not going to wait it out forever. If it hasn't started reshaping into something soon I will throw in the towel. I'd like to think of this as a learning experience for us
 
What you are feeling is twitterpated not some deep cosmic connection.
 
Bethicakes,
I am a little confused when you say you've been seeing your boyfriend for 9 mos. "but have only been together" for 1 mo. Do you mean that for the 8 previous months, you were strictly platonic friends who realized you were attracted to each other but did not act on it? And then you started dating him ONLY one month ago but thought that his moving in with you and your family is a good idea? Really???

Seriously, how well do you know him?

Besides the questionable common sense, it sounds to me like you and your boyfriend are just plain incompatible. It takes more than affection and having the hots for each other to make it a relationship that is fulfilling and healthy. He obviously prefers a different approach to polyamory than what you want. It sounds like he would rather be solo poly, free to date whenever and whomever he wants without having to clear it with anyone first. That is my kind of poly, and I can tell you it is totally possible to nurture two new relationships at the same time if that is the style of poly that suits you.

That doesn't seem to work for you, though. You seem to want a communal kind of poly family, where you are all partner-y together, like a marriage of more than two. I do agree with Dagferi that you moved him in to live with you way too soon. He would rather be independent. No wonder it isn't working. Really, this is someone you know less than a year, who wants to be independent and free to date others, while you are putting a white picket fence up around him.

And, while your best friend sounds like a royal bitch, I have to ask why you didn't tell her to just shut the fuck up instead of listening to her revealing things you didn't want to know? Also, I am wondering how old all of you are. What strikes me about this group of people you are describing is a serious need to grow up, start communicating better, and stop acting like this is junior high school. Click on the bottom link in my signature, if you are ready for a wake-up call.

HTH!
 
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Well I guess it's all a moot point now. He broke yet another promise. he let her interfere in us again and it ruined our date night. We were supposed to go to a party. He ran to the store for 1 item and was gone for more than an hour and a half. Making us late for the party. His excuse. He had to make sure she was okay cause she backed into someone's car. My theory. She knew about the party and needed to delay him. I've seen her do worse things.

So at the end of the day hubby and I packed all his stuff and he's been getting it in pieces off the porch. It took less than a week for her to interfere. All he wanted to do was throw in my face a friend I use to be involved with before he was ever around trying to turn it around on me.

Hubby and I are dealing with the heartache together I suppose. Hubby's being a decent barrier to keep him from contacting me. But I doubt the reality that he's gone has really set in yet. Atleast I know it hasn't for me. I'm just numb. Thinking I should try to fix it worried that I won't find someone else. But knowing that it isn't worth fixing anymore.

It was short lived bUT I guess it served a purpose. We learned what we really want in a relationship. And after I heal maybe something new will come my way. Someone who really cares about my family and wants to help it grow and not someone so selfish. Idk.
 
What's with we ? It should be about what YOU want in your other relationship not your husband.

Please do your children ( I am assuming they are younger.) a favor do not bring partners in and out of their lives like a revolving door. Just because your dating doesn't mean you involve your children. The privilege of meeting your children should be sacred.

My husband Murf didn't meet my boys until we had been together 6 months. (He helped me take them trick or treating) Then was slowly eased into their lives over months.
 
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Bf has been a family friend for over 7 years. He's known my kids since they were babies. He's been almost like a second dad to them for the past year. We've had a fwb relationship for 8 months and he use to spend a few weekends at the house due to work. We just decided a little over a month ago that we couldn't deny what we felt. He moved in a week ago. I didn't anticipate my BFF steamroll in her way into our lives like she did. And shes not someone who listens when told to shut up. Hubby sought something outside to give bf and I time to solidify our relationship. It was mostly a hangout type of thing with hubby and his friend.

Hubby has been supportive of what I want and making bf leave is super hard for me. So he's been a barrier and a go between so I don't have to listen to the crap. But at the end of the day yes it is about what I want. But I'm not going to do soemthing to push hubby to the breaking point either. We made the decision to allow him to move him in with us together. Him leaving needed to be joint as well.

Bf said he wanted this. He said he wanted the family. He fit well with us, always has. I guess he just changed is mind when she came around. He's not the type to be solo poly as you called it because he does crave the picket fence. But I do believe our relationship types are completely opposite. I believe in learning my partner esp when they do a complete change and open up like he did. He took down the walls he usually kept up when we decided to be together. I wanted to know that side of him.
 
Hi Bethicakes,

Re (from OP):
"What would you say was the biggest mistake you made in the beginning and how did you fix it?"
Click to expand...

Mishandling of NRE. Unfortunately, by the time I realized my mistake, it was too late to fix it.
 
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