Missing One from Group and feeling Strained

[Scarlette]

That's the blunt way of putting it. But the point is, time between Isaac and Scarlette isn't about Hannah. At all. It's about Isaac and Scarlette.

Unless... maybe it is about Hannah...

Scarlette: What are your feelings about her? You mentioned that you guys explored things a bit at first, but she said she didn't want to stand in your way. I'm just wondering if some of her reaction isn't in part that she also wants to be with you romantically, and maybe that's even why she's hovering when you're with Isaac. And why she's willing to put herself on the sidelines, sleeping at work, so you guys can be together. In other words, maybe none of this is about romantic time with Isaac, but rather with you. Just a thought, feel free to tell me I'm out to lunch.

It is possible and it has come up as an issue in the past. However I am not sure that is the case this time around. Hanna works a lot of hours, as an owner of a new business would, and Isaac works graveyard. She feels like she doesn't get much time with him as is, and any time she does have for himself, he spends with me. Since I am the one currently asking her for time with him, that is causing her to feel resentful of me.

I am trying to push for Isaac to "regulate" how much time he is giving to each of us. It seems like a fairly simple concept, but he is practically allergic to "drama" and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He would rather avoid it altogether, rather then deal with/face it. Since Hanna and I are so close and talk more, he kept telling us to work it out between us and tell him what the plan is. Hanna having to negotiate with his girlfriend for time with her own husband is ridiculous. Since sending him that long text (copy put in previous post) he told me he felt I was right and is going to step up and be a part of the scheduling process.

What kind of 'needs' are you talking about? Sexual? Dinners out? Adult conversation? Romance? Fixing your toilet? Helping around the house or with young kids?

Why is your house not available? Where are your children when you're with Michael overnight or the other evening?

Just general stuff. Sex, companionship, romance, adult conversation. My parents currently live in my house to help out while Michael is gone, so I don't at all feel comfortable bringing someone back to my place. They take care of my kids while I am out.

Quads and triads are complicated beasts! Everyone needs to look inside themselves, feel and identify their feelings. I know from experience, one can get into that self-sacrifice mode when one's primary is with someone new, and step back to give them space, feel some compersion, but also some resentment and fear. Maybe she'd rather sleep at work than have you two get a hotel, to save money? Hotels are expensive.

Calendar sharing is a must. There isn't much room for spontaneity when one has kids, and when one is poly with a primary, even more planning is necessary. It's just a fact of life.

Hanna stepping back and trying to give us space and feeling resentment is something we've been working with since day one, it seems. How do you let a new relationship breathe while still keeping away the resentment? She is all about saving money, which is probably one of the reasons why she is going to stay at work.

From my understanding, the Michael-Hanna connection was an afterthought. Scarlette met them first and started dating them as a couple, but then Hanna stepped away so that Scarlette and Isaac could get closer. Scarlette really liked them, so she encouraged Hanna and Michael to form a connection as well.

That said, there's still this Scarlette-Hanna connection that seems to have been completely forgotten. I personally suspect that has more to do with it than the Michael connection, whom she's only met once.

The Michael-Hanna connection was kind of an afterthought, I agree. I wanted Michael to be a part of my life as much as possible while he is gone. Since I felt Hanna, Michael and Isaac would get along, I suggested they chat on Skype and text. Hanna was already on the hunt for an FWB to help relieve some of the stress the three of us were feeling when she and Michael started talking a lot. By the time he came for a month-long visit, Hanna and Michael had already declared themselves as BF/GF. They were pretty much inseparable the whole month he was here and they grew much closer.

 

[Magdlyn]

How do you let a new relationship breathe while still keeping away the resentment?

This is a good question, that can also be stated "How can I turn my jealousy to compersion?"

In your case, in Hanna's case, she has so little time with Isaac as it is. They work opposite shifts! I am not sure they are great candidates for polyamory with their schedule mismatch.

Generally it is recommended that when one's partner is out with another partner, you keep yourself busy with things you find engrossing. Especially as newbies, this is important. Fun hobbies, going out with platonic friends, working out. However some people can't feel compersion until they get a second partner of their own and have NRE to distract them. A tit for tat thing isn't recommended though, as a person who is jealous when their partner is out with someone they are really into might just go out to find someone, anyone, to be with, but not find real satisfaction, and so get even more hurt and jealous in the process.

(Read the blog of our member pulliman to see how his wife didn't get over her jealousy of his long distance lover (for years!) until she got a lover of her own, and how this is impacting the husband/wife relationship now.)

It is very unfortunate that Hanna chose your husband for a bf when he is hardly ever around! And to top that, she chose to not continue to develop a romantic relationship with you, so that you'd have more time to get closer to her husband, when she hardly ever sees him because of their opposite work schedules.

Why is she doing that to herself? Three relationship potentials (you, her husband and your husband) and she's hardly getting any romance! She's gone into martyr mode, sounds like.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

It sounds that you need to get out of her house and date him in a hotel, possably with dinner or a movie first if you can afford that, or you can order pizza and watch a film on tv/laptop. Going for a stroll together is also free. There are lots of sites that suggest fun things for couples to do, sex being one of them.

Also, since she is your friend, and you want to continue to see her, I suggest that you invite them over for dinner at your house, or at their house if you get a sitter, or if your kids are old enough to look after themselves at dinner time.

Polyamory and scheduling go hand-in-hand. I know it is temping to just go with the flow, but that is not workable when you have several people, and jobs, and all the rest. Sure, some things may unfold naturally, but you have to have some kind of basic rules to go by, so that people know what to expect and so that time is not eaten away by stressors. Isaac should also plan active "dating time" with Hanna, even if she has nights with him, because "special time" together is different than maybe a quickie and a kiss before going to sleep. She too needs to be dating him.

I don't really see how Michael enters the picture. If he is working away a lot, I don't see how he can keep any relationship, apart from the one with you, going. Are you all on Skype? Is he available on phone? If he is going to pursue a working LDR, that will take time and effort to be strong between visits.

 

[WhatHappened]

Just general stuff: sex, companionship, romance, adult conversation. My parents currently live in my house to help out while Michael is gone, so I don't at all feel comfortable bringing someone back to my place. They take care of my kids while I am out.

Do your parents know about your open marriage? Where do they think you are when you're out, and gone overnight?

Do the kids know? How old are they?

I think part of the issue here is what's classified as a 'need.' Sex is not a 'need.' Neither is romance. Companionship and adult conversation can be had from many sources.

I also think many people would find deeper, truer happiness if they refocused their lives on giving rather than getting. I don't personally believe that our purpose in life is to 'get our needs met.' And because it isn't, I think that often times, the harder we strive to 'get our needs met,' the more elusive true happiness becomes, because we're totally focused on ourselves, on getting, getting, getting.

I will also say that, given my background, I have known many, many military wives who simply got up each morning and did what they needed to do, on their own, without having someone else's husband provide them with sex and romance. They got companionship and adult conversation from each other, and spent their spare time doing charity work or helping other military wives who might have younger kids, or sick kids. I admired these women greatly. They are great inspirations. And while we all have problems in life, and days of loneliness and sadness, I have every reason to believe that they have genuine peace in their lives.