mono in a potential poly relationship

[DownToEarth]

I'm brand new here. I spent the weekend researching polyamory. My boyfriend of 18 months told me from the beginning that he prefers to be in a relationship with 2 women. At first, I didn't think twice about it as I wasn't sure where our relationship was going because we started off as friends, and he was single at the time. Plus I thought he was talking about menage a trois. We are more than friends. We are soulmates, best friends, lovers. We've discussed getting married. We have been open and honest from the beginning. He's explained what he wants, his feelings about having another woman in his life, and has done nothing but reassure me that I'm his primary and he's completely devoted to me, but he needs someone else. I totally accept him as he is. I've met the other woman, we've all hung out, and I'm fine with being friends with her. This isn't easy for me. I'm working through the jealousy (and he's been great about answering questions for me and reassuring me about our relationship), but there's a pit in my stomach and lump in my throat that I haven't been able to figure out. I guess that is my next step. I just want to say I'm so glad I came across this forum where I can read others' experiences and stories that will, hopefully, help me along the way.

 

[Shaya]

Hi DownToEarth,

Welcome to the forums. Depending on whether you feel you would enjoy nonmonogamy in future for yourself, or whether you're doing it just for him will make a big difference. It also makes a difference right off the bat if he has been having an emotional affair with this other woman before telling you. There are a billion other factors as well, including his reasons for going into polyamory, existing problems in the relationship, your communication style, how you manage jealousy, and so forth.

Some people claim to be born poly. I would disagree. I think you might be born non-monogamous. You then make the conscientious choice of choosing ethical non-monogamy of which there are further choices of swinging, kink, polyamory and maybe a few others.

Feel free to ask for advice and tell us more of your situation, but bear in mind that what you write on the internet is available for everyone to see and you should probably discuss it first with your partner, what you write lasts forever, could potentially be used in court and that our advice to you will be clouded by the lens that you are wearing as you write down your side of the story.

With the cautions stated above, really, welcome. I'm new here and have found the experienced polyamorists really helpful in providing deep insight.

Transitioning from monogamy to polyamory can be hard, but potentially rewarding in the long run. Researching what you want will probably be most fun if you go out and google whatever it is you want. Having said that, here's what I found most helpful to me. Everyone on polyamory.com will suggest a different list.

• A very broad overview of everything ethically non monogamous.
• Poly relationship models and examples of stable polyamorous relationships. I would recommend chapter 4 and 5, or if you're brave, you can read the whole massive thesis (not recommended).
• What could happen emotionally to the two of you when adding an extra relationship.
• Many people here and most stories online will be pro-polyamory. I provide the opposite story of people who have tried polyamory and gone back to monogamy or perhaps regretted trying polyamory.
• There is a TV series "Polyamory: Married and dating" with mixed reviews. Probably showcases too much sex. I put it here because there may come a time when you feel you're doing too much research and burning yourself out. This is a good way to do research and enjoy at the same time! Turn down the volume and watch behind closed doors. You can complain about the acting, but the issues are real. Season 2 shows a less successful couple if you want to learn from their mistakes.
• The concept of compersion, in case you've never heard of it.
• Similarly, the concept of a unicorn.
• I think this is a professional's view on polyamory and why it might be the future of all relationships.
• My post with philosophical musings of jealousy, most of the ideas in which come from here. Other jealousy resources can be found in kdt's post.
• If you want a book, "more than two" is often recommended. They also have a very useful webpage with articles that I find are more relevant to me than the actual book. Other suggested books I haven't read are "The ethical slut" and "opening up" by Tristan Taormino, along with polyweekly podcasts.

My number one advice to you and especially your emotionally excited partner - go slow. Go at the rate of the slowest member, and make sure he does his research too. Good luck!

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings DownToEarth,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope you are able to work things out with your boyfriend, and that the resources you find here help. You may want to post in Poly Relationships Corner where lots of people read and give advice. Meanwhile Shaya has given you a lot of very good resources for study.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Loz]

Dear Down-to-Earth,

I was about to post about the developments in my own relationship and then I read your post and we are clearly in the same boat right now. The pit in the stomach is what I am stuck with at the moment. This is my husband's first poly addition and it officially developed to that point last Saturday night when he and his love interest finally got on the same page with a conversation ending in a kiss. He too was honest about himself and his desires and we are sharing every thought/feeling/concern/interaction for now. Our foundations are strong and I have researched and researched and contemplated. Logically I am there now and I do not doubt his love or commitment to me or my place in his life but this discomfort is perpetual though it does not disrupt anything in my daily life like interactions with others, getting jobs done, taking care of the children, our sex life. It is just there and I want to beat it. Objectively nothing has changed in my life - quality time is the same and he interacts with me in the same way just maybe taking more care of me at the moment.

I did read this and it might give you some pointers on the root of the discomfort:http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I am sure we can beat it

Welcome to the forum,

Loz

 

[Al99]

Hi , DownToEarth,

I've only been here a few months - so I'll leave the advice up to the veterans - but just wanted to add my welcome to the forum - lots of helpful folks here with sound advice and solid information.

Good luck on your new journey. My partner (wife, in my case) also asked me to to open our relationship to poly - so she could explore here resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. There is a link to my story in my signature below.

Al