Mono/Poly How do you do it?

N

NotJenkins

New member
I keep trying to do an intro and keep getting logged out. In a nutshell, my husband in poly, I am mono. He is currently living mostly mono for my sake, with the exception of a text only emotional connection. Lots of history here which makes things hard to handle.

The text girlfriend is sort of the middle ground we have, but if you are mixed, how do you handle it? I've read up on the poly hell and jealousy info, and can honestly say I'm no longer jealous. Still, even this much of an outside connection hurts. What can I do to be okay with this?
 
Hi, I am in the same situation and am wondering the same thing.
My husband is poly and I am mono and we have been experimenting for over 5 years and still haven't had what I would consider a good experience.

He is caring and going slow and I often feel ok with it, but then, sort of out of nowhere, I get a PTSD type of emotional reaction that really damages our loving relationship. He pulls back and feels terrible and then we wait a while and start all over again... its such a roller coaster ride.

I have considered separation, but he really wants us to stay together, and is very committed to me. I have some doubts about this and am also looking for some support with other people going through this.

i do think it could be workable, I just don't know how..I have a strong spiritual practice and understand that love is a wonderful connection we have with one another and isn't something you can own or control. But I am truly stumbling along and looking for like minded people to talk with
 
Yes, that is the exact reaction I get. I think I'm fine with it. I tell him it's all good, then it hits again. I won't ask him to choose, it'll only lead to resentment and the marriage will be over anyway. Neither of us are leaving, so basically my choice is to accept it.

We love each other, we have an amazing connection, but I need to find some peace with this. He's trying to help me through it. We have fun. When he's with me, he's with me, but some days (like today) it consumes me. We may try a counselor, but he doesn't trust them and I'm afraid it will do more harm than good. I'm also afraid they'll tell us we just can't make it work.

He came here a couple months back (deponty) and they gave him very good advice and a little tough love, basically that he needed to work on his issues before we try to make this work. He has, he's made amazing changes. There has to be a way to make it work.
 
Greetings NotJenkins,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

First off, let me suggest to you that when you log in, you should click on the "Remember Me?" box. This way you won't have to worry about getting logged out, you can decide when to log out.

Next, let me show you some of the resources I know of for monogamists and poly/mono arrangements:

Regrettably, I don't know of a way a mono can be okay with poly in a partner. I assume you get used to it after awhile, but obviously it doesn't always work like that. Other forum members might have more to offer than I do.

Regards,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you, I'll check those out. And it is probably good I got logged out. The first ones were very long and rambling-had more to say than I thought I did. :)
 
No problem, just so you can post longer if you need to in the future. ;)
 
I'm on the other side of this. For all I know, you're my wife! It sounds about that close to it.

Anyway, your post has me a little discouraged because it sounds like how I wish my wife would feel, but it still shows me that that's not enough necessarily.

When we were married for the first few years, I'd get a little jealous thinking about the partners my wife had had before we met and it just seemed weird to think of her being with someone else. When we talked about having an open relationship a few months ago, though, I didn't really feel that as much. I felt it a little, but not as strongly as before. For some reason, I was just able to realize that I've caused her enough grief over the years that I just wanted her to be able to have a good time with a guy who didn't do that. I knew she'd come back and we'd be fine, so it was good with me. At first, I think she felt the same in return, but she later changed her mind conveniently after I got myself a text girlfriend. (GEEZ! :mad:)
 
This may not be easy to hear, ok? I mean it kindly. :eek:

Neither of us are leaving, so basically my choice is to accept it.
Click to expand...

Depending on how long you have been trying?

This could be serving the relationship continuing. At the expense of the health and well being of the people within it.

It is one thing to be few weeks in, a few months, but several years? After a point one could throw in the towel and say "We gave it our best shot for X years. But there is no point in putting more energy into it. It's just not a runner." And then work on accepting that.

I think a (monoamorous and poly friendly) person can thrive as one of the endpoints in a "V" style arrangement or similar. They have their one sweetie that way. And the hinge person, the polyamorous person, has their poly partners

I think a person who is (monoamorous AND monogamous) would NOT do well in a polyship. Because they are going against their own grain. They have the capacity to love one sweetie. And their preferred relationship shape is 1:1. Nobody else. There is nothing wrong with that preference.

By the same token, I think a (polyamorous and monogamy friendly) person can thrive in a Closed situation if they at least get to express their poly thoughts and feelings to their mono partner without them wigging out. "Open in Mind" if you will. That can help a lot.

I do not think a (polyamorous and polygamous (whatever shape: MMM, MFM, something else) ) would do well in a Closed situation even if they got expression. Because they are going against their own grain then. There preferred shape is NOT 1:1. They want more persons. There is nothing wrong with that preference.

What is wrong is people picking incompatible partners to start, or having grown over time in different directions.

I think it is better to accept that the shape of the relationship could change to (friendship) if a (romance) shape is not working between a mono-poly couple. They could become willing to let it go and set each other free because they DO love each other. It is not kind to have a partner who one claims to love struggling for years. It is not kind to have self struggling for years -- one has to love oneself too.

Sometimes I see people banging heads on walls, trying to fly a thing that just won't fly, struggling with the stages of grief and acceptance... it's sad. :( I think it is healthier when people include "disband the union" on the table of options. And while they may chose that with regrets, and sorrows?

The mono person is then free FROM poly stuff they do not want. They are then free TO seek a mono relationship that matches their relationship shape preference.

The poly person is then free FROM mono stuff they do not want. They are then free TO seek the a poly relationship that matches their relationship preferences.

I don't know if that is the case here since you don't list how long you guys have been trying this... but keep it in mind. Set a time limit. If it isn't smoothing out and working by X date, then you may have to talk about stopping the poly thing or disbanding.

When people lock each other and selves up in a union that serves neither well and prolongs suffering? That does not sound like loving behavior to me. Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is gently let go and let things change.

I have considered separation, but he really wants us to stay together, and is very committed to me.
Click to expand...

And you could not be together as friends? And be deeply committed to each other?

Galagirl
 
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