Mono/Poly Relationship

[Splash]

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend (on & off) for three years. When we got back together most recently, six months ago, he knew he had "discovered" he was polyamorous but in fear of losing me, did not share this information until a week ago. Of course I was angry and felt manipulated at first but I was understanding and have been open to having an open relationship. I am not against having infrequent casual sex partners - I feel sex can be separated from romantic love - but I am monogamous and am not particularly interested in sleeping with other people.

When he initially proposed this lifestyle (a week ago) he said it was something he was going to need but wasn't looking to pursue right away - this was very comforting to me as I don't feel we have the strongest relationship & the best communication at this point to withstand this lifestyle. He also said it would be unfair if I wasn't able to also find partners too. He has since changed his mind on both accounts. He wants me to himself & would like to start looking for other partners ASAP.

Yesterday he proposed the following scenario: he creates a online dating profile which features both of us and we both have access to this profile - I appreciate he wants to be very open with me and isn't interested in hiding anything. He is looking to have purely sexual relations with women older than 40 (we are in our late twenties). He is looking to have these encounters once maybe twice a month. I haven't spoken to him about this yet but I would like to put a limit on how many times he can see an individual (3 or 4 times then it's over).

This whole thing has been an incredible emotional rollarcoaster and as much as I know it is possible for this to work out, I am afraid he will not put the necessary work into our relationship to make this possible. I suggested counciling to improve our communication and he seemed to take offense.

Any suggestions/support are appreciated. I'm brand spanking new to all this and feeling scared.

 

[Marcus]

Yesterday he proposed the following scenario: he creates a online dating profile which features both of us and we both have access to this profile - I appreciate he wants to be very open with me and isn't interested in hiding anything. He is looking to have purely sexual relations with women older than 40 (we are in our late twenties). He is looking to have these encounters once maybe twice a month. I haven't spoken to him about this yet but I would like to put a limit on how many times he can see an individual (3 or 4 times then it's over).

Just for your info, this is non-monogamy, but it is not polyamory. A couple having the casual sex partners is most commonly referred to as "swinging".

That said, the concept of keeping someone from having romantic feelings toward someone else is complicated at best. I'm sure the odds will increase by putting forward the rules of behavior but the risk of developing romantic feelings for someone you (they) are sleeping with is still pretty high. Not to mention the fact that policing other peoples behavior is likely to breed resentment.

Personally I say drop the rules and each of you decide for yourselves what you want from your relationships. Live your own lives and appreciate what you get from each other. Clutching on to a relationship by putting rules on it is just a recipe for failure in my opinion.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are unsettled/upset.

You could listen to your "feeling scared" vibe trying to give you a signal rather than ignore it.

Here's what I see as potential pitfalls:

• You get back together with an ex (why the split in the first place?)
• 6 mos in, he wants to Open.
• He initially says he is ok going slow, now wants to rush
• Initially he is ok with you seeing other people, now he doesn't want you to
• At this time, you do not seem to agree on what open relationship model you intend to practice
• At this time, you do not seem to agree WHAT the boundaries will be
• At this time you do not seem to agree on HOW to Open while still maintaining (you + him) relationship healthy.
• You don't feel you both have the strongest relationship & the best communication at this point to withstand this lifestyle.
• You are afraid he will not put the necessary work into our relationship to make this possible.
• You suggested counseling to improve communication and he seemed to take offense.

All these things add up to "This is is a strong polyamorous player for me to polyship with... HOW?"

You could say "No, thank you. I have to vote 'no confidence' at this time. I do not feel prepared. You do not seem prepared either. I am not willing to participate in concurrent relationships with you at this time in this manner."

You could be responsible for your own well being. If you cannot go there with joyful heart and good spirit? Don't go there.

It could be less of a pain to break up with him and let him go down the road to shenanigans on his own than allow him to drag you down it.

If you want to polyship on your own with a better prepared/more compatible partner later on, you CAN. But you don't have to go there RIGHT NOW in a mixed up condition with pushy seeming partner if you do not choose to.

Galagirl

 

[Splash]

but rivityF

I agree it is unfortunate he is unwilling to allow me to be anything but monogamous with him. He admits it is unfair and actually nearly pushed me to breakup with him over it.

He is only interested in casual sexual encounters (swinging - thanks for the clarification), I didn't impose this. He says he isn't interested in having an emotional/romantic relationship with anyone other than me. The only rule I would like to impose is that he only sees these women a handful of times to keep anything emotional from developing.

 

[Marcus]

I didn't impose this. He says he isn't interested in having an emotional/romantic relationship with anyone other than me. The only rule I would like to impose is that he only sees these women a handful of times to keep anything emotional from developing.

I'm not sure I understand, are you saying that you are only imposing one part of this rule? If he decided that he wasn't interested in romantic involvement with these women then wouldn't he be the one to decide how to go about doing this? Or are you talking about just suggesting this as one possible way for him to accomplish his goals?

If you are proposing a rule then you are proposing that he restrict his actions to suit you, no?

 

[Marcus]

I agree it is unfortunate he is unwilling to allow me to be anything but monogamous with him. He admits it is unfair and actually nearly pushed me to breakup with him over it.

But you self-identify as monogamous. Your problem is that he is proposing that you *stay* monogamous... even though you already are?

 

[Splash]

I suppose I am worried he will accidentally develop feelings for someone if continues to see them. Yes, he claims he is only interested in casual sexual encounters, and I believe him, but why risk it?

As far as him restricting my behavior - I am offended by the double standard. Yes, most likely, I would not be interested in other partners but I feel it is "unfair" to tell me I don't have this option.

 

[WhatHappened]

Having sex with people often does lead to emotional connection.

You two have already broken up at least once. He wasn't entirely honest with you. He wants unfair double standards. He wants you sitting at home waiting for him while he sows his wild oats. Let me reiterate: he's already shown himself willing to hide things from you. The fact that he's being honest at this moment doesn't change that.

Why are you willing to stay with this guy? What's the upside for you?

 

[Splash]

Having sex with people often does lead to emotional connection.

Oh man, not something I want to hear. He has been very consistent about this piece though: he isn't interested in having an emotional connection with anyone other than me. He feels Im 'the love of his life' but knows he also desires casual sex outside of our relationship. I can be on board with casual sexual partners but not multiple relationships. The mono perspective is weird, I know. I also realize I have been thinking about all this for all of a week!

You two have already broken up at least once. He wasn't entirely honest with you. He wants unfair double standards. He wants you sitting at home waiting for him while he sows his wild oats. Let me reiterate: he's already shown himself willing to hide things from you. The fact that he's being honest at this moment doesn't change that.

We have broken up twice. Mostly due to poor communication (hence my suggestion to see a councilor..). We had significant gaps of time apart with no contact. We have a very strong connection / common interests which drew us back together. Since we have been back together, he has consistently said he has no interest in breaking up with me again. Other than not being upfront about being poly - he is an open & honest person. I do genuinely trust him. I understand why he was so afraid to tell me but that doesn't mean I wasn't angry initially and I honestly still feel some anger about being manipulated (it's only been a week).

Why are you willing to stay with this guy? What's the upside for you?

Well, this is something I have been pondering. We do have a deep connection and very much enjoy & benefit from each other.

 

[Marcus]

As far as him restricting my behavior - I am offended by the double standard. Yes, most likely, I would not be interested in other partners but I feel it is "unfair" to tell me I don't have this option.

Fairness is not a necessary part of the discussion, if you are not ok with restricting your behavior to suit someone elses insecurities then you should not do so. The fact that he has a different set of rules is irrelevant... you decide how *you* want to live your life and then do so.

He can decide for himself how much restriction he wants in his life.

Personally I think you guys need to let this illusion of control go. You're loved ones, not employees. Deal with your own insecurities and live your lives.

 

[WhatHappened]

...he had "discovered" he was polyamorous but in fear of losing me, did not share this information until a week ago.....

.... He has since changed his mind on both accounts. He wants me to himself & would like to start looking for other partners ASAP.

...he also desires casual sex outside of our relationship. I can be on board with casual sexual partners but not multiple relationships. The mono perspective is weird, I know.

As per the blue highlights: this is where I personally believe he's not being honest still. He wants casual sex on the side. Casual sex is not polyamory. Yet he's selling you on this (as I read it) that he must have this, that you must allow it and stay with him, because it is WHO HE IS, rather than something he wants to do. And the modern thinking goes, if it's WHO WE ARE, it would be cruel to deny us whatever it is we want as per that particular identity.

Sorry, this is just a guy who wants casual sex. Not that I think declaring oneself polyamorous obligates their spouse to accept an open relationship, either, but I think he's trying to have it both ways, here, tell you he's polyamorous, ie, so full of love, needs this, while at the same time trying to reassure you he won't actually have a 'relationship' or romance with someone else.

As to those highlighted in red, it sounds to me like the dishonesty extends a little farther than just not telling you he wanted an open relationship. Of course, I don't even know him, but my cynical mind reads this as a guy who's going to tell you in bits and pieces--you know, the frog in the kettle routine--what he really wants, because he knows if he dumped it all in your lap at once, you'd kick him to the curb. But I see this as feeding you just a little bit more...and a little bit more...and you decide each step of the way that, wellllll....maybe I could do just that little bit more...and maybe that, too....

Sorry, it's not what you wanted to hear, and not the 'support' you asked for--if by support you mean helping you see this in such a way that you can joyfully stay with this guy and convince yourself none of this stuff should bother you. However, that's my read on it.

I personally feel that if you have to ponder what you're getting out of it, maybe you're not getting enough. And the truth is, love is NOT enough.

I don't find the mono 'mindset' at all weird, btw. I find it a whole lot weirder to come back to someone with the expectation that he be allowed to have casual sex while you wait at home. Did he also bring you a burka?

 

[GalaGirl]

To me this is the offer he's presenting you:

"Let's have concurrent relationships for just me. I will be monoamorous but polysexual/swinging. (Love only you, casual sex with many). YOU will be monoamorous (love only me) and that's about it. No polysexual/swinging for you. No polyamory for you either. How about it? "

You do not like this offer. You are offended you lose options here. You also don't want to risk his polysexual encounters becoming more and turning into polyamorous relationships.

What prevents you from saying "No, thanks. That offer doesn't sound healthy/fun/appealing for me" in this situation?

• Are you able to be assertive and look out for your own best interests?
• Are you being pressured?
• Something else?

We have broken up twice. Mostly due to poor communication (hence my suggestion to see a councilor..)

You broke up 2 times already over bad communication. He is not willing to improve communication between you before embarking on this.

Third time at bat here and he chooses to keep back info about the desire to have casual sex with many. (polysexual, swinging). He presents it as "polyamory" -- which it is not. Doesn't score confidence points in communication by holding things back.

Other than not being upfront about being poly - he is an open & honest person. I do genuinely trust him. I understand why he was so afraid to tell me but that doesn't mean I wasn't angry initially and I honestly still feel some anger about being manipulated (it's only been a week).

I'm not too sure he's trustworthy if he does lies of omission. How this this come out to you where you ended up feeling angry/manipulated? Could you elaborate on how this came to light?

These two things also do not jive:

Since we have been back together, he has consistently said he has no interest in breaking up with me again.

he is unwilling to allow me to be anything but monogamous with him. He admits it is unfair and actually nearly pushed me to breakup with him over it.

Again, this person is emotionally reckless sounding to me. Emotional bully to get his own way and tries various ways to get it. Up and down until you are so worn out that you just give in just so the roller coaster stops.

This whole thing has been an incredible emotional rollarcoaster and as much as I know it is possible for this to work out, I am afraid he will not put the necessary work into our relationship to make this possible.

You are correct to feel unsettled. You are ALREADY OBSERVING that he is NOT willing to put the necessary effort to make Opening possible in a mutually happy way. Sounds like he just wants his own cookies, even if he runs right over you.

If he's that way at the start, how will he be once it is in full throttle? Caring, considerate, communicative? Or more of this pushy pushy to get his own way by wearing you out/down?

You could aspire to "thrive" in your relationships rather than merely "survive" or "endure."

I would strongly suggest you tell him "No thank you. Your offer is not appealing to me."

I think ethical polyamory requires good communication skills (to help minimize conflict) and conflict resolution skills (when conflict DOES happen) to fly well. It's not here. You are not even out of the starting gate and you have plenty of emotional hooha already. Could nip it in the bud and spare yourself future shenanigans by simply declining his offer.

Because it does not sound like yummy cookies for you.

You are responsible for your own well being. You could not sign up for more roller coaster.

Galagirl