Daddysboogerbaby
New member
How do you convince your mono partner that they are enough but yet you still want/need other partners?
Mono poly relationships
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Daddysboogerbaby
New member
Yes and no lol, I appreciate your reply tho
What about this ... if you go to an excellent restaurant, and have steak for dinner, then want a sundae for dessert, that doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the steak.
Another ... if you give birth to a child, then decide you want a second child, that doesn't mean the first child wasn't "enough," does it? (This analogy will be greeted with mixed reviews.)
Another ... if you give birth to a child, then decide you want a second child, that doesn't mean the first child wasn't "enough," does it? (This analogy will be greeted with mixed reviews.)
Inyourendo
New member
You can't really convince them, you can state your case but if they aren't willing to open the relationship the choice is deal with being monogamous and find other things like hobbies and groups to fulfill you or split and 've open with someone else. And please don't pester them about this, if the answer is no then accept it.
I ended up leaving my ex spouse because he wasn't willing to open the relationship other than a triad which is impossible. I couldn't be monogamous with him any longer and cheating wasn't something I wanted to do
I ended up leaving my ex spouse because he wasn't willing to open the relationship other than a triad which is impossible. I couldn't be monogamous with him any longer and cheating wasn't something I wanted to do
Ravenscroft
Banned
If "they are enough," why are you even having the conversation with them? You seem to be switching definitions mid-sentence.
BonzaiBlitz
New member
First, admit to yourself that you may have to leave them if they can't break their monogamist indoctrination.
Second, read "The Ethical Slut" together.
See how they react when Dossie (repeatedly) states that love is not a finite substance, and that loving someone else does not in any way reduce your love for them.
Third, make a decision based on that reaction.
Second, read "The Ethical Slut" together.
See how they react when Dossie (repeatedly) states that love is not a finite substance, and that loving someone else does not in any way reduce your love for them.
Third, make a decision based on that reaction.
The short answer is: I don't think you can convince someone of that fact, if it is their deeply entrenched belief.
I think a person CAN change and challenge and dismantle such beliefs, but firstly, they have got to want to (which must be because they themselves come to the conclusion that it's not a belief they want to stand behind), and secondly, they have got to be prepared to ditch a lot of the other 'micro-beliefs' which support the 'big belief' that they want to drop. That can be a painful process. I can tell you, as someone who also initially felt like my partner being interested in others meant that was not enough for them, that that one belief required me to challenge everything from how I judged my self-worth, to how I dealt with others' perceptions of me, to how I experienced satisfaction abd esteem in myself AND my interpersonal relationships, right through to how I naturally give and receive love, and how my partner abd I function as a domestic unit. Ultimately, I feel I'm in a much better place for having done that work - I am more independent, less reliant on my partner for validation, able to sort my emotional reactions to things more easily, able to see my partner more fully and appreciate her and our relationship, and just generally happier. But it took a long time, and if I hadn't always had a personality type that I feel is more suited to polyamory/open relationships, then I'm not sure it would have worked out. The belief of having one love, one romantic connection, having your partner be the centre of your world and vice versa, of needing no-ones approval but your partner's, getting the bulk of your emotional support and esteem needs through that one connection, being a 'perfect fit', *being enough for one another*, is a very successful and perfectly good and rational set of beliefs...as long as they are shared by both partners.
As a polyamorous person, you don't share those same sets of beliefs about human relationships, so I think it's unwise to pretend otherwise. Stop telling your partner that they are enough for you. S/he isn't. At some level, whether it's because you prefer variety in your lovers, or you have a complex set of needs that you feel no one person could satisfy, s/he - being the most perfect and wonderful person they can be, and whom you treasure and love dearly - is not enough for you. But that that has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with who you are as a person. It's not a flaw in them, and it's not a flaw in you, it's just where you are both at. And it's not a disaster, because it doesn't reflect on them in any way (this will be hard for them to swallow, since it runs counter to their belief-complex - but I don't see how you can articulate your truth without challenging this point). If they want to find peace with remaining in a relationship with a poly person, then as a mono, they are going to have to do the hard job of re-evaluating such beliefs. It's an unfair distribution of the hard work, since they never asked for this, but it is what it is. If they can't do that, or don't want to do that, AND you are unwilling or unable to find satisfaction in remaining monogamous, then you must part ways. That would be sad, but you will both then be free to find relationship styles with others that better match your beliefs.
I think a person CAN change and challenge and dismantle such beliefs, but firstly, they have got to want to (which must be because they themselves come to the conclusion that it's not a belief they want to stand behind), and secondly, they have got to be prepared to ditch a lot of the other 'micro-beliefs' which support the 'big belief' that they want to drop. That can be a painful process. I can tell you, as someone who also initially felt like my partner being interested in others meant that was not enough for them, that that one belief required me to challenge everything from how I judged my self-worth, to how I dealt with others' perceptions of me, to how I experienced satisfaction abd esteem in myself AND my interpersonal relationships, right through to how I naturally give and receive love, and how my partner abd I function as a domestic unit. Ultimately, I feel I'm in a much better place for having done that work - I am more independent, less reliant on my partner for validation, able to sort my emotional reactions to things more easily, able to see my partner more fully and appreciate her and our relationship, and just generally happier. But it took a long time, and if I hadn't always had a personality type that I feel is more suited to polyamory/open relationships, then I'm not sure it would have worked out. The belief of having one love, one romantic connection, having your partner be the centre of your world and vice versa, of needing no-ones approval but your partner's, getting the bulk of your emotional support and esteem needs through that one connection, being a 'perfect fit', *being enough for one another*, is a very successful and perfectly good and rational set of beliefs...as long as they are shared by both partners.
As a polyamorous person, you don't share those same sets of beliefs about human relationships, so I think it's unwise to pretend otherwise. Stop telling your partner that they are enough for you. S/he isn't. At some level, whether it's because you prefer variety in your lovers, or you have a complex set of needs that you feel no one person could satisfy, s/he - being the most perfect and wonderful person they can be, and whom you treasure and love dearly - is not enough for you. But that that has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with who you are as a person. It's not a flaw in them, and it's not a flaw in you, it's just where you are both at. And it's not a disaster, because it doesn't reflect on them in any way (this will be hard for them to swallow, since it runs counter to their belief-complex - but I don't see how you can articulate your truth without challenging this point). If they want to find peace with remaining in a relationship with a poly person, then as a mono, they are going to have to do the hard job of re-evaluating such beliefs. It's an unfair distribution of the hard work, since they never asked for this, but it is what it is. If they can't do that, or don't want to do that, AND you are unwilling or unable to find satisfaction in remaining monogamous, then you must part ways. That would be sad, but you will both then be free to find relationship styles with others that better match your beliefs.
Emm
Stealth Mod
One of the better analogies I've come across is "the perfect room".
Paraphrased from memory:
You have a room. It is the perfect temperature, with perfect lighting, and perfectly comfortable furniture in your favourite colour. The walls are perfectly painted and have your favourite artwork hanging on them. There is a shelf containing box sets of your favourite TV series on DVD and whatever it is you need to do your favourite (indoor) hobby. A bookcase holds all your favourite novels. There is an unlimited supply of your favourite food (in my case chocolate mousse).
Would you be content to spend your life in that perfect room with a selection of your favourite things, or would you maybe want to go for a walk in the garden from time to time and get some mud on your feet? Perhaps you'd like to go into the kitchen and risk burning your dinner in order to eat something other than mousse, or watch a new movie you haven't seen before, even if it has a negative rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
The room is perfect, but it's unchanging. It's not a flaw in the room that makes you want to visit other places; it's perfect, but you want variety, even if it's imperfect.
Paraphrased from memory:
You have a room. It is the perfect temperature, with perfect lighting, and perfectly comfortable furniture in your favourite colour. The walls are perfectly painted and have your favourite artwork hanging on them. There is a shelf containing box sets of your favourite TV series on DVD and whatever it is you need to do your favourite (indoor) hobby. A bookcase holds all your favourite novels. There is an unlimited supply of your favourite food (in my case chocolate mousse).
Would you be content to spend your life in that perfect room with a selection of your favourite things, or would you maybe want to go for a walk in the garden from time to time and get some mud on your feet? Perhaps you'd like to go into the kitchen and risk burning your dinner in order to eat something other than mousse, or watch a new movie you haven't seen before, even if it has a negative rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
The room is perfect, but it's unchanging. It's not a flaw in the room that makes you want to visit other places; it's perfect, but you want variety, even if it's imperfect.
I'm having a strong reaction of "but I am not a room!" now, so be careful with that one too
People are not unchanging and much much deeper then a room. You can get a lot of variety even with one person. But I admit, even if the room was changing... curiosity is a very powerful driving force, and so is freedom of choice over your environment
They could be dealing with this
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
I think you could tell them they are wonderful and totally enough them.
But a Closed or Monogamous model is not enough for you because you want to be with more than 1 sweetie. And there is no way for them to magically turn themselves into two people. Limit of the Universe.
I don't think it is your job to convince them. It's your job to clearly state what you prefer, what you are willing to compromise on, and what you are NOT willing to bend on. So you both can sort out if it is a match or not.
- If they prefer monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (want to be in a 1:1 relationship), then best you guys be friends and accept a romance match is not possible.
- If they prefer monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) BUT open to poly-friendly (willing to be in some models where you are their 1 sweetie and you have more than 1 sweetie), then perhaps there's a chance.
Maybe rather than work hard to convince them, you could work on accepting that each person is allowed to have their preferences be whatever it is they like best.
If their own preference is monoamorous and monogamy, and yours is something else? It's a case of apples and oranges. Not a match.
Galagirl
Last edited:
convince
You long term prognosis is not good for your relationship if you do not forget the word highlighted above.
if you read any of the literature you will understand that one sided non monogamy where one partner is manipulated or coerced ( convinced) do not usually end too well.
And there is a difference between a need and a want. No one gets EVERYTHING they want in life. you have to make the decision if this "want/need" is worth putting everything you have at risk because there is no predicting the outcome.
I suggest you do a lot of reading if you have not already before you embark on "convincing".
And if you already have a potential partner picked out or have already cheated, deceit and lying are not good starter traits to begin with.
You long term prognosis is not good for your relationship if you do not forget the word highlighted above.
if you read any of the literature you will understand that one sided non monogamy where one partner is manipulated or coerced ( convinced) do not usually end too well.
And there is a difference between a need and a want. No one gets EVERYTHING they want in life. you have to make the decision if this "want/need" is worth putting everything you have at risk because there is no predicting the outcome.
I suggest you do a lot of reading if you have not already before you embark on "convincing".
And if you already have a potential partner picked out or have already cheated, deceit and lying are not good starter traits to begin with.
InfinitePossibility
New member
I would certainly avoid saying anything that makes it sound as if your partner is less enlightened or more indoctrinated than you and that if only they would stretch themselves a bit and let go of insecurities, they would see that poly is the way to go.
We are all of us indoctrinated and biased by our own experiences and by the people who we closely associate with. For anybody to pretend that they are not is laughable.
If you feel strongly that poly is the way to go, talk about what is positive about it. How will you loving more people make life better for your partner? Do you have evidence that you are capable of juggling lots of loving relationships - platonic friendships, hobbies, family members etc - some of which do not involve your partner without him feeling left out? If not, what makes you think you can do it successfully?
Are you happy to remain in the closet or do you also expect your partner to step out of the norm of society and deal with the criticism people will have of him for being involved in a poly relationship - even if he is mono himself?
If you are happy to remain closeted - does that mean you will only seek partners who are happy to be a hidden part of their love's life? How will you identify these people?
Do you have enough spare time at the moment and if not, are you expecting your partner to do with less of you? Is that something he wants?
Are you contributing fully to your household or is the expectation that your partner pays your way while you go off and date other people?
For me, the whole 'ah well love is infinite' argument and 'people love variety' argument don't fly.
Love may well be infinite but time and energy are certainly not.
The variety thing just makes me shudder. Unless the lover of variety can get it in a way that doesn't cause suffering to those already in their lives, then I think that it is their responsibility to rearrange their life and let go of non-dependants before embarking on a search for variety - rather than trying to convince those people that their is something wrong with them because they suffer. Talk about kicking somebody when they are down. If dependants will suffer, then a seeker of variety would do well to find ways to do without that particular kind of variety IMO.
We are all of us indoctrinated and biased by our own experiences and by the people who we closely associate with. For anybody to pretend that they are not is laughable.
If you feel strongly that poly is the way to go, talk about what is positive about it. How will you loving more people make life better for your partner? Do you have evidence that you are capable of juggling lots of loving relationships - platonic friendships, hobbies, family members etc - some of which do not involve your partner without him feeling left out? If not, what makes you think you can do it successfully?
Are you happy to remain in the closet or do you also expect your partner to step out of the norm of society and deal with the criticism people will have of him for being involved in a poly relationship - even if he is mono himself?
If you are happy to remain closeted - does that mean you will only seek partners who are happy to be a hidden part of their love's life? How will you identify these people?
Do you have enough spare time at the moment and if not, are you expecting your partner to do with less of you? Is that something he wants?
Are you contributing fully to your household or is the expectation that your partner pays your way while you go off and date other people?
For me, the whole 'ah well love is infinite' argument and 'people love variety' argument don't fly.
Love may well be infinite but time and energy are certainly not.
The variety thing just makes me shudder. Unless the lover of variety can get it in a way that doesn't cause suffering to those already in their lives, then I think that it is their responsibility to rearrange their life and let go of non-dependants before embarking on a search for variety - rather than trying to convince those people that their is something wrong with them because they suffer. Talk about kicking somebody when they are down. If dependants will suffer, then a seeker of variety would do well to find ways to do without that particular kind of variety IMO.
What I have come to realize is I let my life partner rely on me for all of the above. I tried to be everything possible for her and meet all her needs. Frankly I am exhausted after 10+ years. I need something for myself that she can't provide, namely variety. Variety in sexual and personal relationships. So its partially my fault I led her down this path and now am upsetting the apple cart. Sounds like you may be experiencing the same.
As a mono who has struggled to find peace with a poly minded partner, I can tell you that there's no tried & true way to "convince" them of it. It has to be something that they discover for them self. Utilize patience & compassion as much as possible.
It took me well over a year before I was able to make peace with everything. Granted, my introduction into poly wasn't ideal, but having it revealed to me was a complete shock. And ironically enough, it took the attention of a cocktail waitress to get me to understand how one can solidly love my wife, and feel a bit smitten by another. We're still mono, and I have no desire to change that, but it was definitely an eye opening moment that helped me to understand how she was able to come to the conclusion herself.
Think really hard before using food analogies, or comparisons to other types of love, such as parents & children. There are way too many counter arguments that will cause each of you to use the same point, but look at it from different angles. The most important thing, is to be honest, both with yourself, AND you partner. Try to paint a clear picture of what you want, where you see such endeavors going if accepted, BEFORE you engage in the conversations. If you don't know where you see it going, then state that. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner that you're still trying to figure it all out.
It took me well over a year before I was able to make peace with everything. Granted, my introduction into poly wasn't ideal, but having it revealed to me was a complete shock. And ironically enough, it took the attention of a cocktail waitress to get me to understand how one can solidly love my wife, and feel a bit smitten by another. We're still mono, and I have no desire to change that, but it was definitely an eye opening moment that helped me to understand how she was able to come to the conclusion herself.
Think really hard before using food analogies, or comparisons to other types of love, such as parents & children. There are way too many counter arguments that will cause each of you to use the same point, but look at it from different angles. The most important thing, is to be honest, both with yourself, AND you partner. Try to paint a clear picture of what you want, where you see such endeavors going if accepted, BEFORE you engage in the conversations. If you don't know where you see it going, then state that. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner that you're still trying to figure it all out.
Coercion and convincing are FAR from the same thing.
Coercion is forcing. It gives the other person no choice.
Convincing is explaining and/or demonstrating your point of you in a way such that the other person comes to understand and accept your point of view. They might or might not *agree* with it. They might or might not *act* on that acceptance by consenting to you acting according to your point of view. But they at least accept that you have that point of view and it's your right to have it.
The OP isn't trying to coerce her partner into anything, because she is not forcing him into anything. She's simply trying to get him to understand and accept her point of view. It's his choice whether or not to do so; if he were being coerced, he would have no choice.
Cheating and then saying "I'm poly, let's talk about it" *would* be a form of coercion, but I didn't see anything stating or implying the OP has done that, though I admit I might have missed something.
Ravenscroft
Banned
IMO, they're differentiable... but not so much different.
I am a GREAT salesman -- really.
It's always been FAR too easy to present something in a calm, objective manner, & get actual immediate buy-in rather than considerate nods & simple affirmation. And when I get enthusiastic about something, people get fired up... & I get twitchy.But I only hang out with people that I like. When I suggest some action, I want then to consider joining me because they WANT to, because it's somethingthey've also felt a desire for, or alternately it sounds like fun -- not by dint of my charm. While I'm nowhere near "twisting an arm," the last thing I want is to talk someone I care for into doing something.
So, for me, there's only a small sliver of degree between "convince" & "coerce."
Ravenscroft
Banned
A south-facing room with a cozy low ceiling will never face north-east with a twelve-foot ceiling. People can change, sometimes in a great number of ways, & some of them drastically... but will likely remain fundamentally the same.
Let's say: One lover is a wonderful & enthisiastic dancer. Another lover envies how much joy I have after an evening at the club, wanting to also be the cause of such joy. For me, THAT is the gift right there: the wanting.
But someone who doesn't have the drive, the fire, the WANT to dance probably shouldn't undertake a major renovation project merely to please another.
Daddysboogerbaby
New member
Thank you for all of the replies. Many stood out greatly for me and each one opened a new insight for me. No I have not cheated. Yes there are many things that my partner is uncomfortable doing for/with me and I refuse to push those boundaries; another reason for me wanting to seek out another friendship/partner. While I understand that I can't have my cake and eat it too, there's also the fact that I have an interest in many things that my partner does not. Including sexual interest, to make things clear. I won't force him to do thsee things that he has no interest in or make him uneasy but also I don't want to ditch hobbies and things I enjoy just to please him. I hope that makes sense