I'm dating a poly, and I think I'm okay with her being polyamorous and dating other people as well as me... But I'm still really insecure? I feel like a monog relationship would be easier? I trust her completely, but I see her hugging and walking with this guy all the time, and when I pass by them she sees me but pays me little to no attention. I don't know if the guy knows she is poly or dating me. I just don't know. It was only a week ago that I found out she was poly and I'm trying to be accepting but I constantly feel confused and sad????
Monog dating a poly?
- Thread starter atadsad
- Start date
opalescent
Active member
Well, this isn't actually true. She could be poly but not open about it in public. Or she could be doing poly badly as in not telling the other man she is seeing other people.
But it sounds like things are all really new to everyone, to you, to her, to him (maybe?). It can take time to figure out how to work together.
But that behavior is not well designed to help you feel more secure and appreciated. Tell her it hurts you. Tell her that you would like your existence to be acknowledged in some way if she and him run into you in public. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Could be a nod your way or a brief introduction as a friend (or more if that seems appropriate at a week in). You could ask to meet him at some point, if things continue well with you and her. (I personally don't want to meet a potential metamour - that's your partner's other partners - too early as things don't always work out. But that's just me.)
It's not her job to make you feel secure. That's an inside job primarily. But her actions should back up her words. Talk to her about this.
vinsanity0
Active member
That would certainly raise a caution flag for me. She could be cheating, or maybe they have a don't ask don't tell policy. That is something I would ask about. Just don't do it in an accusatory manner.
I am sorry you struggle right now. In your shoes? Here's how I would deal with it.
Could not personalize it. If your SITUATION is uncertain, you could ask questions to become certain.
Could not take it like YOU are messed up somehow.
So you trust her, but don't like how she treats you in public. Tell her how you prefer to be treated when you bump into each other out and about. Ask if she is willing to treat you that way.
You could ask her if she's told him or not. Then you will know if he knows or not.
I notice you use "feel" in place of think. I changed it in blue. Could change that yourself so you are less confused in your feelings and thoughts. Keep them separate. Feelings are feelings. Thoughts are thoughts.
If you believe that mono dating is easier for you to do, you could break up with poly her. Then when ready move on --- date mono partners instead.
Keep way this simpler on yourself -- then you can feel more secure in your situations.
Galagirl
Could not personalize it. If your SITUATION is uncertain, you could ask questions to become certain.
Could not take it like YOU are messed up somehow.
So you trust her, but don't like how she treats you in public. Tell her how you prefer to be treated when you bump into each other out and about. Ask if she is willing to treat you that way.
You could ask her if she's told him or not. Then you will know if he knows or not.
I notice you use "feel" in place of think. I changed it in blue. Could change that yourself so you are less confused in your feelings and thoughts. Keep them separate. Feelings are feelings. Thoughts are thoughts.
If you believe that mono dating is easier for you to do, you could break up with poly her. Then when ready move on --- date mono partners instead.
Keep way this simpler on yourself -- then you can feel more secure in your situations.
Galagirl
Last edited:
Hi atadsad,
Can you give us an update?
I'm a bit alarmed that she pays you little to no attention when she and the other guy encounter you on the street. I am concerned that maybe he doesn't know she's seeing someone else. That's something you should investigate. Maybe meeting/talking to that other guy is the thing to do.
You feel sad, confused, and insecure. I wonder if a counselor might help? in addition to this forum of course. If you can describe your thoughts and feelings in more detail, we might be able to think of some more ways to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Can you give us an update?
I'm a bit alarmed that she pays you little to no attention when she and the other guy encounter you on the street. I am concerned that maybe he doesn't know she's seeing someone else. That's something you should investigate. Maybe meeting/talking to that other guy is the thing to do.
You feel sad, confused, and insecure. I wonder if a counselor might help? in addition to this forum of course. If you can describe your thoughts and feelings in more detail, we might be able to think of some more ways to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Just a different take on the "paying no attention" thing...
The few times I was in a situation where both Hubby and one of my guys were present, I found it very difficult to sort out where to give my attention, and for me that brought up some anxiety. I didn't want to ignore either of them, nor did I want one to feel that I was paying more attention to the other. Bless Hubby... he understood this and found subtle ways to show me he was okay with me paying more attention to my boyfriend than to him, because Hubby was the one going home with me at the end of the event.
And those were *planned* things.
If I was with one partner and accidentally ran into another, I think my first reaction would be "Oh, crap, they're both here, what do I do?" Even though I always have complete openness with my partners about who else is in my life and have nothing to hide, sometimes anxiety interferes with my being logical in unexpected situations (or even expected ones). And if it was a case where Partner 1 and I were just walking past Partner 2, it might not occur to me to say anything or even wave to Partner 2 until we've already gone by, because I would be trying to navigate that initial reaction.
So to me, the woman not acknowledging you when she's with her other guy isn't necessarily a red flag or an indication that she's hiding you or being dishonest with him... it might just mean she isn't comfortable with interacting with one partner when she's spending time with another, especially when it's an accidental encounter. The only way you're going to know for sure is to ask her.
The few times I was in a situation where both Hubby and one of my guys were present, I found it very difficult to sort out where to give my attention, and for me that brought up some anxiety. I didn't want to ignore either of them, nor did I want one to feel that I was paying more attention to the other. Bless Hubby... he understood this and found subtle ways to show me he was okay with me paying more attention to my boyfriend than to him, because Hubby was the one going home with me at the end of the event.
And those were *planned* things.
If I was with one partner and accidentally ran into another, I think my first reaction would be "Oh, crap, they're both here, what do I do?" Even though I always have complete openness with my partners about who else is in my life and have nothing to hide, sometimes anxiety interferes with my being logical in unexpected situations (or even expected ones). And if it was a case where Partner 1 and I were just walking past Partner 2, it might not occur to me to say anything or even wave to Partner 2 until we've already gone by, because I would be trying to navigate that initial reaction.
So to me, the woman not acknowledging you when she's with her other guy isn't necessarily a red flag or an indication that she's hiding you or being dishonest with him... it might just mean she isn't comfortable with interacting with one partner when she's spending time with another, especially when it's an accidental encounter. The only way you're going to know for sure is to ask her.