Moving in with new girlfriend and not me

[MsAndry]

These two things-go together.
If you choose friends well (I can only assume that what you say is true obviously-cause I don't know you);
Then choose your partners from people you would have as friends.
Choose partners that your friends also like and get along with.
Choose partners that "click" with the type of people you choose as friends.

Thats where I messed up, I met him the same day as two of my newer close friends, I thought they knew him well.
They assumed he was on the same wavelength as me and I thought the same because of them.

It's great advice and something I will do in future for sure

 

[mmkeekah]

Hang in there. This, too, shall pass.

And take some time to regroup and consider who you are and what you deserve. There is so much to gain by taking some time alone to be reflective on both this relationship and what you want out of any relationship, be it a poly one or a monogamous one.

You deserve to be respected, most especially by yourself.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from OP):

"From the outset he said he had problems with monogamy so we agreed on an open relationship where we didn't discuss details. Everything was great and I was very excited about the prospect of no guilt and honesty as I had had some bad relationships in the past. Things seemed a bit iffy at times as if we were out he had problems with me talking to other men, he said it upset him so I respected that. As a single mum the only times I was really going out were with him though. When I spoke about making a fetlife account he talked me out of it with 'why would you want to find anyone else' and would often say he wasn't looking for another relationship, also he said he never denied his relationship with me."

That's the first thing that concerned me: the fact that he "wanted an open relationship," then wondered "why would you want to find anyone else," even while he went ahead and "found" (at least two and) up to four different women at a time. Wow! Bait and switch plus a double standard, all in one blow. And lying about it to boot. [shudder]

My impression from this thread is that your relationship with him was a whirlwind of drama. Look for a more peace-attracting man in the future. And insist you get the same privileges he does! None of this, "I get multiple partners, but you should be satisfied with just me."

 

[LadyLigeia]

Re (from OP):


That's the first thing that concerned me: the fact that he "wanted an open relationship," then wondered "why would you want to find anyone else," even while he went ahead and "found" (at least two and) up to four different women at a time. Wow! Bait and switch plus a double standard, all in one blow. And lying about it to boot. [shudder]

My impression from this thread is that your relationship with him was a whirlwind of drama. Look for a more peace-attracting man in the future. And insist you get the same privileges he does! None of this, "I get multiple partners, but you should be satisfied with just me."

I was going to say what you just said. A MAJOR red flag that is commonplace in all of the dysfunctional poly relationships that I've seen involve one-sided privilege and expectations. This is doubly the case when the person whom INITIATES the polyamorous relationship starts getting possessive and controlling when their partner also goes out and dates other people. He obviously wanted to see other people and was fine with that, but the minute you want to see other people, it isn't okay?

This man has proven that he does not deserve your trust, nor does he deserve your affection. Do you know who he does deserve? That ratchet bitch who came into your home (the same one he violated the sanctity of by sneaking women into it) and not only proceeded to blatantly disrespect you for three hours, but this jerk didn't even care enough to stop it. If anyone - potential partners or otherwise - is rude to my partner or myself, it is an immense turn-off in and of itself. That person would be shut down immediately and never spoken to again because it is direct proof that they are shitty people, especially since I go out of my way to make them feel comfortable if they are new to polyamory. I won't even touch potential FWB/hook-ups if they act even slightly weird or aloof around my partner. One guy wouldn't say "hello" to him or acknowledge him when I introduced them, and even that was enough to make me incensed enough to not want anything to do with him. Why? Because that is my lover and best friend. Anyone who disrespects him in any way is, in my eyes, not worthy of my affections.

A person who is committed to you won't be wavered by his commitment to others. It seems as though this guy is entrenched in new relationship energy. Wait until that goes away and watch him come crawling back after she leaves him or - even more sadly - realizes that you were the true keeper all along. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't get further ensnared into a relationship with him. I know that's not much of a consolation and those sound like empty words when suffering from heartbreak, but I promise that it's true. I sincerely cannot stand people who use polyamory as a backdoor gambit to break up couples, most often to lure them into more monogamous relationships. The rest of the poly community at large despises them as well.

There are so many others who would be more than happy to be with you on your terms. Good luck.

 

[Jade99]

Love on the rocks

This thread was interesting to read. Quite a few problems were very similar to my own experience in a past relationship. We were both open but the one woman he picked eesh she started stalking me and he accused me of lying and being jealous. She went so far as to create a fake profile on a site to harrass me. She pretended she was a friend of that other woman. She was nuts! He didn't care and didn't believe me. She brought so much drama into our life and he didn't care how she was treating me or our relationship. I had enough when she brought in all sorts of alcoholic issues in and caught him drinking and driving. I walked away from the whole thing.

Some people need drama to thrive and it is about control and manipulation. I walked away out of love for myself and because I respect myself.

Since this is an old thread, I just hope this finds u being in a better place and knowing u deserve respect for yourself.