testingthewaters
New member
I'm spiraling. Started on reddit and ended up here. I feel guilty for leaving my partner to protect my mental health. I'm miserable and sad but I'm not wired for this much chaos. Are all poly relationships this chaotic? I haven't had the best experiences so far.
I hate telling the set-up every time, but here we go again:
My partner, Aspen (30sM) is married to Birch (30sF). Birch poly-bombed him a few years back, saying he wasn't "romantic enough and didn't show her enough attention." They open the marriage, somewhat reluctantly on his end, to allow Birch to date Cedar (25NB). Cedar is married to Dogwood (24F). Dogwood & Aspen eventually started hooking up. They all moved in together. KTP scenario. Eventually, Cedar and Birch started having issues (the same issues she had with Aspen). They eventually got back together, and here we are.
Birch has a partner on the side too, Elm. Elm (30sNB) had prior history with Birch before she married Aspen, and has made comments post-marriage that made Aspen uncomfortable. Birch wanted to meet me on a double date with this person. I said no.
My week:
Wednesday, Aspen tells me that Birch is over Cedar if things do not change. He's upset because he feels that Dogwood is being ripped away from him.
Friday, Aspen and I are in bed and Birch calls at 2:30 am to check on him, upset that he did not give her his usual play-by-play. I'm annoyed, but I understand.
Saturday, Aspen shares with me that Birch and he want to move in another couple down the line, when things settle. I say that it would never be me and another partner. We start to access if we have any future.
Sunday, I told him about Feeld.
Monday they make a couple's account. Birch immediately gets a bunch of hits. He texts me throughout the day that he's having a poor time on it and isn't really enjoying it. At some point, I log on and notice he's using a picture that has some identifying info about me in it. He freaks out and says he's deleting the app.
Tuesday & Wednesday, I find out more about why he was upset.
- Birch was flirting and sexting single men and reading to him some of the details.
- Birch added him to a bunch of group chats to start planning dates. At this point, we're still together and he's still with Dogwood. He has expressed he's pretty saturated.
I told him that he agreed to this lifestyle and he can't get upset when Birch wants to date new people, or flirt or have sex. He needs to work on his jealousy. I think it opened up his feelings of when they first opened. But it was an eye-opener for me that he's NOT REALLY POLY. He's not secure in this, at all. He's so angry and hurt and defeated.
Then he goes on a ramble, mad at Cedar again about feeling like they didn't keep up their end of the bargain of taking care of the emotional needs in the household, where his was to take care of the sexual.
I'm annoyed at this point. Cedar is 25, just transitioning, while being super-religious, has only been married for a year, and is also in what may be their first poly relationship. Birch is repeating a pattern of behavior. I suddenly begin to loathe Birch for not learning how to self-soothe and putting Aspen and Cedar through the ringer.
I realize at this point that Aspen is just doing all this to keep Birch. I'm dispensable. Why stay? Despite being really romantic, caring, and kind with me, I can't watch someone do this. He looked like he was ripped into a thousand pieces every time Birch and he hit a rough patch, or Dogwood didn't give him what he wanted. He goes on and on about his marriage vows, and for better or for worse. This sounds toxic and miserable. He beats himself up all the time and it's sad.
Thursday, I end it. I feel horrible. I feel like I left a friend in a toxic situation. He told me on Wednesday (his anniversary/Valentine's Day) that I was a relief. However, I have to protect my mental health. No one is wired for that much chaos.
There's also a toddler in the house. He just quit his job. It's a mess. I felt like if I stayed I was enabling a toxic situation. If he wants this, he needs to find a new person for relief.
Thanks for coming to my vent.
I hate telling the set-up every time, but here we go again:
My partner, Aspen (30sM) is married to Birch (30sF). Birch poly-bombed him a few years back, saying he wasn't "romantic enough and didn't show her enough attention." They open the marriage, somewhat reluctantly on his end, to allow Birch to date Cedar (25NB). Cedar is married to Dogwood (24F). Dogwood & Aspen eventually started hooking up. They all moved in together. KTP scenario. Eventually, Cedar and Birch started having issues (the same issues she had with Aspen). They eventually got back together, and here we are.
Birch has a partner on the side too, Elm. Elm (30sNB) had prior history with Birch before she married Aspen, and has made comments post-marriage that made Aspen uncomfortable. Birch wanted to meet me on a double date with this person. I said no.
My week:
Wednesday, Aspen tells me that Birch is over Cedar if things do not change. He's upset because he feels that Dogwood is being ripped away from him.
Friday, Aspen and I are in bed and Birch calls at 2:30 am to check on him, upset that he did not give her his usual play-by-play. I'm annoyed, but I understand.
Saturday, Aspen shares with me that Birch and he want to move in another couple down the line, when things settle. I say that it would never be me and another partner. We start to access if we have any future.
Sunday, I told him about Feeld.
Monday they make a couple's account. Birch immediately gets a bunch of hits. He texts me throughout the day that he's having a poor time on it and isn't really enjoying it. At some point, I log on and notice he's using a picture that has some identifying info about me in it. He freaks out and says he's deleting the app.
Tuesday & Wednesday, I find out more about why he was upset.
- Birch was flirting and sexting single men and reading to him some of the details.
- Birch added him to a bunch of group chats to start planning dates. At this point, we're still together and he's still with Dogwood. He has expressed he's pretty saturated.
I told him that he agreed to this lifestyle and he can't get upset when Birch wants to date new people, or flirt or have sex. He needs to work on his jealousy. I think it opened up his feelings of when they first opened. But it was an eye-opener for me that he's NOT REALLY POLY. He's not secure in this, at all. He's so angry and hurt and defeated.
Then he goes on a ramble, mad at Cedar again about feeling like they didn't keep up their end of the bargain of taking care of the emotional needs in the household, where his was to take care of the sexual.
I'm annoyed at this point. Cedar is 25, just transitioning, while being super-religious, has only been married for a year, and is also in what may be their first poly relationship. Birch is repeating a pattern of behavior. I suddenly begin to loathe Birch for not learning how to self-soothe and putting Aspen and Cedar through the ringer.
I realize at this point that Aspen is just doing all this to keep Birch. I'm dispensable. Why stay? Despite being really romantic, caring, and kind with me, I can't watch someone do this. He looked like he was ripped into a thousand pieces every time Birch and he hit a rough patch, or Dogwood didn't give him what he wanted. He goes on and on about his marriage vows, and for better or for worse. This sounds toxic and miserable. He beats himself up all the time and it's sad.
Thursday, I end it. I feel horrible. I feel like I left a friend in a toxic situation. He told me on Wednesday (his anniversary/Valentine's Day) that I was a relief. However, I have to protect my mental health. No one is wired for that much chaos.
There's also a toddler in the house. He just quit his job. It's a mess. I felt like if I stayed I was enabling a toxic situation. If he wants this, he needs to find a new person for relief.
Thanks for coming to my vent.
I'm sorry this all happened like this. It sucks. 