Moving to poly

[Torchwriter]

Hi there,

I'm new to the group.

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have two young children. My wife is bi, but it's not something we've had a lot of time to explore, esp now with kids but we have explored it.

I happened to meet a great young woman and started an affair - we've been seeing eachother for about 4 months now. I understand this was wrong, but I had no intention of falling in love or leaving my wife - just a fling. We have developed a very strong emotional and physical connection. It took us both completely by surprise. I was completely upfront with her that I was married with kids and had no intention of changing my situation. She is also bi and we have discussed the idea of a poly relationship b/c we would really like to not be hiding anything and be open about everything.

Last night my wife and I were discussing love and talked a little bit about poly. She basically said she'd be fine with it as long as the 3rd helped around the house with diaper changing, chores, etc. We were just talking in the hypothetical sense.

Has anyone had a similar situation? Thoughts on moving forward?

I think this is a great group and am happy to have found it!

 

[london]

Well, it's all very well if you find compatible women who are willing to become that involved with your family but you'd be searching in a very small pool.

I'd also find it incredibly unethical if you waited until your wife consented to a polyamorous relationship and then you introduced the woman you're having an affair with as a "new" partner.

If I were you, I'd end the affair and acknowledge how very wrong and deceitful cheating is. Then, I'd work on negotiating consensual non monogamy with my spouse.

 

[Torchwriter]

Well, it's all very well if you find compatible women who are willing to become that involved with your family but you'd be searching in a very small pool.

I'd also find it incredibly unethical if you waited until your wife consented to a polyamorous relationship and then you introduced the woman you're having an affair with as a "new" partner.

The woman I am having an affair with is willing to become that involved with our family. I am deeply in love with this woman as she is with me.

I am reading the ethical slut and agree that it would be incredibly unethical and it's something I struggle with.

Honestly, I'd want to leave my wife before breaking up with my mistress if I had to choose one but I love them both.

 

[london]

Well then break up with your wife and pursue a polyamorous relationship with your mistress then.

When you tell your spouse that a) you've been cheating and b) if they want your relationship to continue, this other person will be your partner too, you're not offering a situation where they can give true informed consent. You're saying that you've betrayed them, broken any agreements, vows and boundaries you've made with them and now their option is to completely lose you to the other person, or swallow sharing you with them. Even if they agree to a polyamorous relationship under those conditions, they haven't truly consented. That amount of coercion invalidates the consent.

You know how in your mind, this woman is going to be this "third" you keep on about? What about if your wife doesn't gel with her as well as you have and doesn't want her as this highly entangled person in your family life? What about when your wife (who thinks she is a new partner) feels resentful because she doesn't seem to have the amazing chemistry and intuition you and your mistress share? This is a common Issue for people who are legitimately seeking triads, but in your case, there will be extenuating circumstances that she won't be aware of. You'd have already built all that with your mistress for months behind her back. Had a "head start" as it were.

The only way you can salvage some of the ethical ground in this situation is by ending one of these relationships and then negotiating an ethically non monogamous relationship with the other. Then you'll have the stable, healthy, non hostile foundation one needs in their polyamorous relationships.

 

[opalescent]

Your wife will find out that your new interest is actually your old fling. And that you have been lying to her. Your marriage might survive her finding out on her own but most do not.

So, tell your wife the truth. Stop the affair. Rebuild your relationship with your spouse, and if you are lucky, and she is willing - which she may not be - perhaps you can reconnect to the woman with whom you had the affair.

It is possible to seque from cheating to ethical poly. But it's hard and requires honesty and willingness to address one's faults. I don't think you have a real idea of the chaos and pain your actions will likely cause.

And given what you have written here, right now you don't strike me as capable of honesty and doing the work that will be necessary.

First, 'oops! I'm cheating! How did that happen?' is utter bullshit. You made a decision to get involved with someone outside of your marriage, without the knowledge or consent of your spouse. You just didn't happen to find your penis (assuming you are male) in another woman by accident. I hate it when people act like cheating 'just happens' to them when, really, it's a series of conscious decisions. Own your decisions. Acknowledge them. If you don't, you have no chance to have a truly ethical relationship with anyone.

Also, your wife does not truly sound interested in poly. She wants more help with young children. And until you tell her the full truth, she is not responding based on all the facts. Something in the abstract might sound all right, but the reality often hits people much, much differently.

It's not hopeless. But until you come clean, your chances of a successful transition to poly are pretty grim in my opinion.

 

[YouAreHere]

Something in the abstract might sound all right, but the reality often hits people much, much differently.

THIS.

I went into my relationship with P knowing he was poly (not opening up a preexisting relationship), and it was still difficult to get to where the emotional roller coaster was manageable (after feeding myself "shoulds" throughout the beginning: "I should feel like this... I shouldn't be feeling like this..." Ugh...). I still have triggers today (over two years later).

Trust will be broken, and that is an extremely difficult thing to work through for most people. Plus, you personally get a nice head-start in thinking about Poly, reading up on it, envisioning your new life and building your new relationships, and BAM - she's expected to do what exactly? Ideally, you'd be opening your relationship in a way that lets her also deal with all these changes alongside you, not left to catch up if she feels you've left her behind.

This is going to be rough on someone (or on everyone!) regardless of how you move forward. I wish you all luck.

 

[northhome]

It's not hopeless. But until you come clean, your chances of a successful transition to poly are pretty grim in my opinion.

Hopeless, maybe not, but your chances are probably the same as seeing a pig fly. Once the trust is broken, and you've broken trust big time, it is usually extremely difficult to rebuild it.

The fact that you seem to be more connected to your mistress than your wife does not bode well either. Quite frankly I think the chances of this working out with you having your cake and eating it, together with your wife getting a bit of domestic help are very slim indeed.

I concur with the previous posters - time to come clean and deal with the consequences first. Good luck!

 

[Torchwriter]

Well then break up with your wife and pursue a polyamorous relationship with your mistress then.

This is the direction I'm leaning in. I think the mistress and I would pursue more of an open-relationship and not poly on our own, but I am able to be 100% open and honest with her, so at least we'd have the ethical

First, 'oops! I'm cheating! How did that happen?' is utter bullshit. You made a decision to get involved with someone outside of your marriage, without the knowledge or consent of your spouse. You just didn't happen to find your penis (assuming you are male) in another woman by accident. I hate it when people act like cheating 'just happens' to them when, really, it's a series of conscious decisions. Own your decisions. Acknowledge them. If you don't, you have no chance to have a truly ethical relationship with anyone.

Also, your wife does not truly sound interested in poly. She wants more help with young children. And until you tell her the full truth, she is not responding based on all the facts. Something in the abstract might sound all right, but the reality often hits people much, much differently.

It's not hopeless. But until you come clean, your chances of a successful transition to poly are pretty grim in my opinion.

Well, I didn't say ooops, I'm cheating. I said oops, I fell in love. I am acknowledging that it was a conscience decision.

I agree that it doesn't sound like my wife is truly interested in poly - I guess I am identifying with Poly myself after finding myself in love with two women.

 

[Torchwriter]

Hopeless, maybe not, but your chances are probably the same as seeing a pig fly. Once the trust is broken, and you've broken trust big time, it is usually extremely difficult to rebuild it.

The fact that you seem to be more connected to your mistress than your wife does not bode well either. Quite frankly I think the chances of this working out with you having your cake and eating it, together with your wife getting a bit of domestic help are very slim indeed.

I concur with the previous posters - time to come clean and deal with the consequences first. Good luck!

I know I've broken trust big time and know it's an extremely difficult thing to rebuild.

 

[Torchwriter]

THIS.

Plus, you personally get a nice head-start in thinking about Poly, reading up on it, envisioning your new life and building your new relationships, and BAM - she's expected to do what exactly? Ideally, you'd be opening your relationship in a way that lets her also deal with all these changes alongside you, not left to catch up if she feels you've left her behind.

This is going to be rough on someone (or on everyone!) regardless of how you move forward. I wish you all luck.

Thanks for all of the best wishes moving forward.

I agree, I don't know how to open up the relationship in a way that lets her also deal with all of these changes alongside me.

 

[Nadya]

Your story reminds me of another recent thread here: Vent/Newbie Advice. Cheating to poly without full disclosure... struggle.

Hope you find a solution to your situation and a way to live more honestly in the future.

 

[Dagferi]

How dare you decide who your third will be.

Your wife would get no say. Blech Sorry honey but I am in love with this woman I have been banging behind your back.

Do your wife a favor and end your marriage of many years for a woman you have been cheating with for 4 months. When the shiny and infatuation wears off maybe your brain will work again. Your mistress is still on her good behavior. Your in lust not love.

 

[pulliman]

You're in NRE with your mistress. Everything is wonderful. You don't know what it's like to have a house. To have kids. To share all the wonderfully meaningful domestic choices that you need to make. Every meeting is like fire and joy, and the thrill of it is amazing. You don't have to worry about little details, you just get each other.

Until you're divorced. Then you have visitation issues. You share a house. There's laundry. Groceries. Cleaning the toilet.

Those are all things you already have with your wife. You already share them, know them, and should honor them for the beauty that they are.

Now, if your mistress wishes to join in, fine. But not the way you propose, I'd say. You DO have come come out as a cheater. You have to give your wife the chance to BLOW THE FUCK UP IN YOUR FACE and have every right to it. You deserve some emotional pummeling from her, because you've betrayed a trust you two had. You're making it worse, trying to introduce poly - except your wife kinda wants a maid, too.

This whole situation isn't going to work until you start over, honestly. And do it after your NRE has been blown apart by your wife's response to what happened. Only then can all of you make an informed choice.

(In case you're wondering, I cheated on WI with EL, the blowup was spectacular, we sort of got over pieces of it after a few years, but only MANY years later are we at peace about what happened, and EL is an ongoing part of both of our lives now. But it took, you know, a decade or so.)

 

[Derbylicious]

Your wife deserves the truth. Tell her about the affair and then let her make an informed decision about if she wants to remain in a relationship with you. This isn't all about what you want and what will make you happy. Both women deserve a say too in the direction their lives will take. Quit being so selfish.

 

[Torchwriter]

Your wife deserves the truth. Tell her about the affair and then let her make an informed decision about if she wants to remain in a relationship with you. This isn't all about what you want and what will make you happy. Both women deserve a say too in the direction their lives will take. Quit being so selfish.

Thanks for the straight from the hip honesty. Yes, I can see how I'm being selfish and that both women need to be dealt with honestly as well. I have been honest with my mistress but not my wife. I don't like being dishonest with her.

 

[Torchwriter]

You're in NRE with your mistress. Everything is wonderful. You don't know what it's like to have a house. To have kids. To share all the wonderfully meaningful domestic choices that you need to make. Every meeting is like fire and joy, and the thrill of it is amazing. You don't have to worry about little details, you just get each other.

Until you're divorced. Then you have visitation issues. You share a house. There's laundry. Groceries. Cleaning the toilet.

Those are all things you already have with your wife. You already share them, know them, and should honor them for the beauty that they are.

Now, if your mistress wishes to join in, fine. But not the way you propose, I'd say. You DO have come come out as a cheater. You have to give your wife the chance to BLOW THE FUCK UP IN YOUR FACE and have every right to it. You deserve some emotional pummeling from her, because you've betrayed a trust you two had. You're making it worse, trying to introduce poly - except your wife kinda wants a maid, too.

This whole situation isn't going to work until you start over, honestly. And do it after your NRE has been blown apart by your wife's response to what happened. Only then can all of you make an informed choice.

(In case you're wondering, I cheated on WI with EL, the blowup was spectacular, we sort of got over pieces of it after a few years, but only MANY years later are we at peace about what happened, and EL is an ongoing part of both of our lives now. But it took, you know, a decade or so.)

It's true that I'm in NRE with the mistress. The NRE is off the charts, so I guess it's really blurring my vision.

I guess I didn't really think the situation would work, but it seems like it was close to being able to work, which is why I found myself here. I needed to widen my perspective with people who could relate, and ideally someone who has walked this path before.

I'm fine with her blowing up in my face - it's clear that I need it. I know it's risking tearing my family apart. If kids weren't involved, I would have probably left already.

I'd walk down this rough path for a decade if that meant it would work out, but I know it's something we can't plan.

 

[northhome]

I'd walk down this rough path for a decade if that meant it would work out, but I know it's something we can't plan.

Well, if you really mean that then it shows that both these women really do mean something to you. Once you've dealt with the aftermath of telling the truth (if you screw up the courage to do it) that might be as good a place as any to start the process of rebuilding your relationship(s).

BTW, had you ever considered that people actually observe what other people do? If you're cheating on your wife, well what's to prevent you from cheating on your girlfriend? Don't you think this may have crossed her mind?

If, on the other hand, you demonstrate that you actually value your wife enough to tell her truth then that also sends a powerful signal to your girlfriend as to whether she can trust you.

 

[Torchwriter]

Well, if you really mean that then it shows that both these women really do mean something to you. Once you've dealt with the aftermath of telling the truth (if you screw up the courage to do it) that might be as good a place as any to start the process of rebuilding your relationship(s).

BTW, had you ever considered that people actually observe what other people do? If you're cheating on your wife, well what's to prevent you from cheating on your girlfriend? Don't you think this may have crossed her mind?

If, on the other hand, you demonstrate that you actually value your wife enough to tell her truth then that also sends a powerful signal to your girlfriend as to whether she can trust you.

They really do mean the world to me. I've been with many *cough*, many women in my single days, so I feel that I have a good perspective on the difference between love and lust, but agree it's still in the NRE category.

My mistress did ask me how would she know that I wouldn't cheat on her if we were together, just last week. I agree, that it's a valid concern. I've never felt so connected to someone before and it's just so easy to be open with her. I don't consider myself a serial cheater and know that if I wanted to be with anyone else, she would be fine knowing this as long as I told her (unlike my wife) upfront. Neither of us have jealousy issues. The 2 reasons I cheated were 1. lack of sex at home and 2. the need/desire for rough sex. The mistress and I have matching sex drives (my wife has a very low libido) and also rough sex - which we have been exploring and developed a very intense BSDM relationship. I am so tired of the lying and deception that I know for sure that I do not want to walk down the cheating road again. I don't want to feel like this again.

I've never felt so comfortable and open with my mistress than I have felt with anyone. If I had known she/what we have existed, I would have waited for her.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

This is the direction I'm leaning in. I think the mistress and I would pursue more of an open-relationship and not poly on our own, but I am able to be 100% open and honest with her, so at least we'd have the ethical

I'm sorry to burst this bubble but I don't think you would have the ethical if you were to leave your wife and stay with your mistress.

I have no idea about your mistress but you have already demonstrated clearly that you cannot be open, honest and ethical.

I don't know what justification there is in your mind and whatever is there doesn't actually matter. Your behaviour matters. Your behaviour has been to choose to lie to the woman you married not very long ago (6 years isn't a long time for a marriage) and then proceeded to have 2 children with (how old are your kids??). You have broken promises to her and lied to her for a period of months now.

You continue to lie and manipulate her with talk of open relationships and 'exploring' her bi nature. You are also demonstrating a lack of ability to take responsibility for your actions - citing 'falling in love' and 'NRE' as the reasons for your ongoing unethical behaviour.

You are very clearly somebody who, for whatever reason, cannot be open and honest. I know that you are telling yourself that your mistress is different, that things won't go that way with her.

If you stay with her, they will. It might not be the same problem as exists between your wife and yourself but something is bound to crop up sooner or later - at which point, I have no doubt that you will start the same behaviour.

I think you probably should leave your wife. You can look after your kids half the time. Your wife can grieve and then get on with finding a man or woman who is willing and able to treat her ethically even when things aren't easy. I'd expect that would be much easier than the trauma she'd go through trying to make a relationship work with you.

There is more to relationships than feeling love for more than one person.

IP

 

[SouthernGal]

I'm going to take a different road here. You seriously need to spend some time alone thinking about divorce. Not whether you want to, but what you'll LOSE. There was some reason you chose to marry your wife, that you've let get swamped by the feeling of boredom in the day-to-day. You'll lose that. Whether it's her smile, or charm, or amazing blow jobs, or sense of humor. 2 young kids can dull you down, but they won't stay young forever and all her tired will go away & the woman you married will be back. Just not with you. You'll lose your home and your kids. You'll lose bedtime kisses, family breakfast on the weekends, great big smiles of pride when they bring home good report cards or accomplish something awesome. You'll lose respect of many of your peers and family members. For what? A woman that likes rough sex, already knows she can never trust you, and will get tired of it all somewhere during the divorce and custody battle. So, you'll lose her too.

Man up, admit you f&%cked up, drop the extra woman, and grovel to your wife. You're so wrapped up in the excitement you're about to demolish everything you've worked for your entire adult life for a woman that will have sex with another woman's husband BEHIND HER BACK.