Moving toward equanimity in a triad - What is your experience?

redpepper said:
That resentment is going to build if someone doesn't come out with some real feelings and requests to make some changes to your boundaries, I think. How about 3 nights a week and intimacy for you and Tom, Sarah gets him 3 nights too, and one can be a fly by the seat of our pants night? Take the emotion out before it's too late, and strategize.

This doesn't seem like a triad. A V, maybe? Some clarification there might help. Just because its a V doesn't mean the arms don't talk. Metamours can be as close as loves.
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We are in no way, shape or form a V. We live very close to one another and we all see each other every single day. We spend all Sarah's time off together. I frequently check in to make sure she knows that she is free to request time with just Tom. I am fully supportive, and encouraging of them spending time together. I go over and see them before I go to work, and Sarah comes home to my house to tuck me in at night.

Unfortunately, I don't see enough of Sarah, because our schedules are very conflicting, though I have arranged my work schedule as much as possible to see her more, like going to work later in the mornings so we can spend time together. This means I spend less time with Tom in the evenings due to working later. I only say this to demonstrate that I love Sarah, want to spend time with her, and want to make her happy.

Thanks for the idea of splitting nights up. I think, one day, if/when Sarah is ok with Tom and me being sexual without her, the strategy of having only a certain number of nights will be a good one to bring up.
 
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nycindie said:
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Somehow this important detail did not register with me. I imagined that the two are home all that time and Sarah has a heavy work schedule or something. Polycouple (interesting name, considering you're supposedly in a triad), it seems to me that you need to get out more with friends and create a social life outside this dynamic, so that you are not so focused on Tom when you have time off. Sarah is perhaps sensing a neediness on your part, if all your activities outside of work involve Tom. (Just a guess.) So it makes sense that her inner alarm bells are going off. Do you think your feelings have shifted to such a degree that you might really be entertaining the thoughts of having Tom to yourself?
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FYI, My name Polycouple is based off another long-term relationship that came to an end four months ago, not this relationship with Sarah and Tom.

And yes, the 5 days a week with Tom are due to a Sarah's second-shift work schedule.

I don't see much of a reason to seek a broader social life. I am currently living here for graduate school, and Sarah and Tom are my closest friends here. This is not my home state. Plus, I love being around them. I know their friends, their families, and vice versa. They both enjoy having me in their lives.

Again, I appreciate your response. Sorry if I seem defensive. I guess I am, a little. I feel guilty for what happened. It's not how I want this relationship to be. We are not going to slip up any more.
 
polycouple said:
Again, I appreciate your response. Sorry if I seem defensive. I guess I am, a little. I feel guilty for what happened. It's not how I want this relationship to be. We are not going to slip up any more.
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It's okay. It looks like everyone who responded tried to deconstruct your description of what's going on simply to become more clear about it, in order to be helpful. Sometimes inaccurate assumptions can be made, but nothing said was intended to be mean-spirited.

I apologize about the comment on your username. I thought you were new here. My mistake.

Your subsequent posts did clarify things.
 
Might I suggest that you stop being defensive towards us and go 'fess up? I thought that there was an imbalance of attachment when you spoke first about your "triad." Having deceived her, you now have created guilt, fear, etc. within yourself. This is likely why it seems imbalanced to read, and why it looks to me more like a V. I think you will lose and likely have lost a bit of connection with her if you don't 'fess up. You broke a boundary that isn't working for you and Tom and that will grow and fester until it is out in the open... It is likely going to drive a wedge in what you've got.

If this is not going how you had hoped, then go and find ways to fix it. The boundary is not working. I can completely empathize with you. It is NOT a fair boundary. Why shouldn't you spend time alone with each other evenly? Seems fair to me. It sounds to me like you and Tom need to sit her down, tell her what you have done and ask her to budge a little. Ask her what is going on for her and suggest ways to deal with it, because you are going to need to move the boundary or you will be intimate again. Really, how could this not happen again if you spend so much time together?!
 
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