Moving towards polyamory from an open relationship

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springsparrow

New member
So my boyfriend (30) and I (24) started an open relationship (casual sex) over a year ago when I moved away, and we started long-distance. He started having casual sex and hanging out with a friend of ours which I was all for and even joined them for threesomes several times and loved (I am bisexual). He admitted to having a strong crush on her as well. They stopped this relationship when she got a mono boyfriend about a month ago.

We are still doing long distance since I am in grad school, and I have met a lovely woman here. We have been going out several times a week for a month, and she is totally fine with me having a boyfriend since she wanted something relatively casual.

Last night, however, we fooled around for the first time after we hung out all day and now I'm starting to feel very attached. Having feelings for the person is not something that my boyfriend and I have spoken about, especially this particular relationship, but was almost entirely unavoidable, and I see that now. Talking with him will be my next step to make sure this is all ok, but it will still be difficult to do. He doesn't have a person where he is to focus on and will more than likely be jealous.

I am sure the solution is communication but going into a conversation about moving towards polyamory is going to be difficult.

Has anyone been in a situation like this or have any advice?
 
Hubby and I started with an open relationship. He only hooked up with one woman, a couple of months after we opened, and then he decided it was too much trouble and he wasn't really interested. However, he had no problem with me continuing to see other men.

About a month after we opened, I met Guy, and we developed a friends-with-benefits type of thing. At least, we had benefits during the few weeks he was in my area; about 3 months after we met, it became a long distance thing when his job moved him to a different location. (Until a couple months ago, he was on the road for work ten months out of the year.) So obviously we had no benefits, but we kept the friendship going via phone calls and texts.

Before he left, I recognized that my feelings for him ran pretty deep, but I tend to form deep friendships sometimes and figured that was all it was. But about two months after he left, I realized it was a lot more than that. I'd fallen in love with him...and that wasn't supposed to happen. Hubby and I had agreed that if either of us developed romantic feelings for another partner, we would immediately cut ties with that person. (We informed each partner about this before sex happened.)

So when I realized I'd fallen for Guy, I went to Hubby and said, "I need to tell you that I'm in love with Guy. Our agreement says we have to stop contact with that person if this happens, and I'm going to cut ties with him, but I wanted to be honest with you."

To my astonishment, Hubby said, "No, I don't want you to cut ties with him. You loving him isn't going to take away from how much you love me. You're bringing more love into the world, and I can't have a problem with that."

The risk of having a "sex only" open relationship is that sex can lead to stronger feelings developing. I knew that going into Hubby's and my opening, which was why we made the agreement about what to do if one of us fell in love with someone else. Since you and your boyfriend hadn't established a "what if" agreement about that, it's important to just be honest with him, and to make it clear that you want to have both him and her in your life.

As for being jealous... this is just me, but I've never understood why people seem to think that both partners in a relationship have to have another partner for love/poly to be "okay." Hubby's monogamous. He occasionally experiences jealousy, especially if one of my partners does something for me that Hubby isn't able to do, but in general he's happy that I have other people in my life to love and who love me, even if he doesn't have anyone other than me.
 
Hi springsparrow,

I wish I had some special words you could say to your boyfriend to make this easier, but all I know to suggest is simple and direct. "Honey, I'm starting to have feelings for this lady I'm seeing. I know we didn't plan on going beyond casual sex, but I wonder if we could renegotiate that."

It's hard to say how your boyfriend will take that news. It's quite possible he won't mind at all. But not guaranteed.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
KC43, your story is very helpful just to get some perspective on the whole thing. I just decided to go for it yesterday over Skype and asked him about it. He basically said that it should be fine to have feelings for someone else as long as he comes first. That is more than reasonable in my opinion, and I am absolutely delighted to hear that he is ok with everything. I should have known it would be inevitable to have feelings for someone I was dating, but I guess I just didn't think they would be that strong.

I need to stop stressing about the future and what everything means because right now, all three of us are happy with everything so I'll just live in the moment I think.
 
Living in the moment is often far more easily said than done, but it does sound like the best way to work with your current situation. You have a guy who loves you, and a woman who cares for you and with whom you're developing what sounds so far like a positive connection. So enjoy it without worrying about what-ifs, if you can.

As far as your boyfriend coming first, be mindful about making your other partner feel like she matters less than him. When you're in two relationships, each partner might be important to you in different ways, but they're both equally important as people you care about. If one of your partners feels slighted or like you care more about the other, there will be hurt feelings. Keeping your relationship with your boyfriend as a priority is fine; I'm just cautioning against making your other partner feel like she *isn't* a priority.
 
I'm not sure I really ever thought about it that way so thank you! I communicate very freely and openly with everyone, but I'm sure me possibly telling her that she is not primary in my life would not really feel good on her end.

Her and I both went into this knowing it was a casual thing with no stress for the future and at some point I would like to have a conversation that I am starting to have feelings for her. However, she is monogamous, and hearing that I have feelings for her may make it difficult for her to stay with me knowing that it would be a dead end to be monogamous with me.

We clearly both care for each other in actions alone, so I'm not sure if the conversation needs to be had right at this moment. We have been dating for just a month at this point.
 
"Primary" and "secondary" can be loaded terms for some people, because they hear "secondary" as "you don't matter as much as my other partner.

On the other hand, there are plenty of folks who use that terminology and no one minds it. Boots refers to himself as Glow's secondary... however, Glow is adamant that that isn't the case, and she has never referred to him that way.

I think if you're developing feelings for the woman and haven't told her yet, you might be jumping the gun a bit worrying about what it means for your relationship with your boyfriend. I think it's good that you were honest with him, definitely, but even though you have *feelings* for her, feelings aren't actions. Unless or until you tell her your feelings and she indicates that she reciprocates and is willing to consider a relationship, nothing has changed in your *actions*. You and she are still just casual.

Again, that said, I give you full credit for being honest with your boyfriend up front. It might be that nothing more develops between you and this woman, but if something does, at least you know where your boyfriend stands with it. And if nothing develops with her, something might happen with someone else in the future, so you've laid the groundwork for that potential as well.
 
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