My advice for those new to polyamorous relationships

SableNoctis

New member
If you’re just starting out in polyamory, you’re likely feeling a rush of excitement, curiosity, and maybe even the belief that you’ve found the perfect people to share this journey with. It’s thrilling. It feels like freedom. It feels like love.

And that’s exactly why you need to slow down, because where angels fear to tread is not a place anyone should go.

The Power and the Danger of NRE

New Relationship Energy (NRE) is intoxicating. It will convince you that this person—this stranger—is your soulmate. That your connection is so rare, so pure, so meant to be, that nothing could possibly go wrong. That rules, caution, and patience are for other people. That this is different. That you should act now before the magic fades.

And that’s where people make their first mistake.

NRE isn’t love. It’s a chemical high. And when it fades, you will see the truth—the cracks, the incompatibilities, the things you ignored because the rush felt too good. If you build something too quickly in this state, it will crumble beneath you.

The Complexity of Emotions in Polyamory

Everyone involved is navigating complex emotions—some they may never have experienced before. Polyamory isn’t just about adding partners; it’s about adding new dynamics, new responsibilities, and new emotional challenges.

It might seem like a great match at first, especially with that rush of a threesome or the idea of exploring love in a new way. But if your mindset is just “three in a bed,” you’ll lose everyone.

Polyamory is about relationships, not just sex. If you don’t nurture trust, communication, and emotional security between all involved, the excitement will fade, and all that will be left is confusion, pain, and broken connections.

The Coldness of Partners – What Could Be Happening?

At some point, you might notice a shift in one of your partners. Maybe they were warm, loving, and fully on board at first, but now they seem distant, cold, or even resentful. This is where communication is everything.

What could they be experiencing?

Jealousy they weren’t prepared for – Even the most poly-positive people can struggle with unexpected feelings.

Feeling like they’re being replaced – If NRE with a new partner is pulling your attention away, your existing partner may feel neglected.

Internal conflicts – They might want to be okay but are realizing they aren’t.

Being overwhelmed – Navigating multiple relationships is a lot, and sometimes, people burn out.

Manipulation from another partner – Not everyone enters a situation with good intentions.


On the other hand, what could they be feeling in a good way?

Excitement and confidence – They could be genuinely happy with the dynamic and embracing it fully.

Relief – If things are well-balanced, they might feel like they’re finally in a structure that works for them.

Personal growth – Polyamory pushes people to confront and evolve past their insecurities.


But here’s the key: You won’t know unless you sit down and talk.

Polyamory isn’t just about navigating your own emotions—it’s about being deeply aware of what your partners are going through too. If you sense coldness, don’t assume, don’t ignore it, and don’t dismiss it.

Sit down. Have real conversations. Be prepared for answers you may not like. Be willing to adjust, step back, or even let go, if necessary.

Don’t Go Chasing That Second or Third Just Because You Can

Polyamory isn’t a numbers game. It’s not about collecting partners just because it feels exciting, or because you think you should have more. If you don’t have a solid foundation with one, adding another won’t fix it—it will only magnify the cracks.

There’s a difference between being open to connections and actively seeking them to fill a void. If you chase after a second, third, or fourth partner while still in the haze of NRE, you’re not building something sustainable—you’re gambling with people’s hearts, including your own.

So What Should You Do?

1. Slow. Down.
Love isn’t a race. If it’s real, it won’t vanish just because you took your time.


2. Start with Friendship.
If you wouldn’t trust someone as a close friend, why would you trust them as a partner?


3. Communicate Honestly—With Yourself and Your Partners.
Are you making choices because they truly align with your needs, or because they feel good right now?


4. Be Wary of People Who Push You to Move Fast.
If someone doesn’t respect your need for time, caution, and thoughtful building, that’s a red flag.


5. Understand That NRE Is Temporary.
The real test of any relationship isn’t how it feels in the beginning—it’s how it survives after the high wears off.


6. Prepare for the Worst, Not Just the Best.
It’s easy to imagine how great things will be. Now take a moment to ask: What happens if this goes wrong?



The Good News? It Can Be Done.

Many people navigate polyamory successfully. Many recognize NRE for what it is, stay in control, and build strong, healthy connections. But they do it by being intentional, by respecting the process, and by refusing to rush into places even angels fear to tread.

You have a choice. You can chase the high, ignore the warnings, and hope you don’t crash.

Or you can take your time, build something real, and avoid the darkness before it finds you.
 
Hello SableNoctis,

Those are some good pointers for people just starting out in polyamory. Polyamory is not a lovestyle to take on lightly, there is a lot to learn. Anyway, thanks for sharing that, I think it will help a lot of people.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello SableNoctis,

Those are some good pointers for people just starting out in polyamory. Polyamory is not a lovestyle to take on lightly, there is a lot to learn. Anyway, thanks for sharing that, I think it will help a lot of people.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hello Kevin T.,

I appreciate your kind words. You're absolutely right—polyamory isn’t something to dive into without thought. It requires patience, communication, and a willingness to learn from both successes and mistakes. If my experiences can help others navigate the challenges a little more smoothly, then sharing them is worth it.

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

Sincerely,
SableNoctis
 
No problem. I agree with you, one must learn from both one's successes and one's mistakes. I have been poly for almost 19 years and I still find that I am subject to the foibles of NRE.
 
No problem. I agree with you, one must learn from both one's successes and one's mistakes. I have been poly for almost 19 years and I still find that I am subject to the foibles of NRE.
16 years but the last 14.. it's just been us thoes expirences shut the door and we only just started talking again about finding a 3rd for our family..
 
I agree, take it slow and hold out for the right person for you and your partner.
 
It is super tough to figure out what the fuck i want. I mostly want something like this for her...because I truly believe if the situation is right, we could thrive. But it's scary in some ways. But I love her...and she is an amazing person and sexual being. Hell...I don't even know if she would want this...but I suspect deep down she does.
 
Hello SableNoctis,

Thank you for the extensive explanation of the pitfalls of NRE pitfalls. l guess, in my new experience, one thing l will take is that complete open transparency is key.

l am enjoying NRE, but it's been subdued by the logistics of scheduling. It's probably one way of stemming the flow and putting control on the runaway train.

He is new, so we are navigating this poly-love. I want it to grow.
 
If you’re just starting out in polyamory, you’re likely feeling a rush of excitement, curiosity, and maybe even the belief that you’ve found the perfect people to share this journey with. It’s thrilling. It feels like freedom. It feels like love.

And that’s exactly why you need to slow down, because where angels fear to tread is not a place anyone should go.

The Power and the Danger of NRE

New Relationship Energy (NRE) is intoxicating. It will convince you that this person—this stranger—is your soulmate. That your connection is so rare, so pure, so meant to be, that nothing could possibly go wrong. That rules, caution, and patience are for other people. That this is different. That you should act now before the magic fades.

And that’s where people make their first mistake.

NRE isn’t love. It’s a chemical high. And when it fades, you will see the truth—the cracks, the incompatibilities, the things you ignored because the rush felt too good. If you build something too quickly in this state, it will crumble beneath you.

The Complexity of Emotions in Polyamory

Everyone involved is navigating complex emotions—some they may never have experienced before. Polyamory isn’t just about adding partners; it’s about adding new dynamics, new responsibilities, and new emotional challenges.

It might seem like a great match at first, especially with that rush of a threesome or the idea of exploring love in a new way. But if your mindset is just “three in a bed,” you’ll lose everyone.

Polyamory is about relationships, not just sex. If you don’t nurture trust, communication, and emotional security between all involved, the excitement will fade, and all that will be left is confusion, pain, and broken connections.

The Coldness of Partners – What Could Be Happening?

At some point, you might notice a shift in one of your partners. Maybe they were warm, loving, and fully on board at first, but now they seem distant, cold, or even resentful. This is where communication is everything.

What could they be experiencing?

Jealousy they weren’t prepared for – Even the most poly-positive people can struggle with unexpected feelings.

Feeling like they’re being replaced – If NRE with a new partner is pulling your attention away, your existing partner may feel neglected.

Internal conflicts – They might want to be okay but are realizing they aren’t.

Being overwhelmed – Navigating multiple relationships is a lot, and sometimes, people burn out.

Manipulation from another partner – Not everyone enters a situation with good intentions.


On the other hand, what could they be feeling in a good way?

Excitement and confidence – They could be genuinely happy with the dynamic and embracing it fully.

Relief – If things are well-balanced, they might feel like they’re finally in a structure that works for them.

Personal growth – Polyamory pushes people to confront and evolve past their insecurities.


But here’s the key: You won’t know unless you sit down and talk.

Polyamory isn’t just about navigating your own emotions—it’s about being deeply aware of what your partners are going through too. If you sense coldness, don’t assume, don’t ignore it, and don’t dismiss it.

Sit down. Have real conversations. Be prepared for answers you may not like. Be willing to adjust, step back, or even let go, if necessary.

Don’t Go Chasing That Second or Third Just Because You Can

Polyamory isn’t a numbers game. It’s not about collecting partners just because it feels exciting, or because you think you should have more. If you don’t have a solid foundation with one, adding another won’t fix it—it will only magnify the cracks.

There’s a difference between being open to connections and actively seeking them to fill a void. If you chase after a second, third, or fourth partner while still in the haze of NRE, you’re not building something sustainable—you’re gambling with people’s hearts, including your own.

So What Should You Do?

1. Slow. Down.
Love isn’t a race. If it’s real, it won’t vanish just because you took your time.


2. Start with Friendship.
If you wouldn’t trust someone as a close friend, why would you trust them as a partner?


3. Communicate Honestly—With Yourself and Your Partners.
Are you making choices because they truly align with your needs, or because they feel good right now?


4. Be Wary of People Who Push You to Move Fast.
If someone doesn’t respect your need for time, caution, and thoughtful building, that’s a red flag.


5. Understand That NRE Is Temporary.
The real test of any relationship isn’t how it feels in the beginning—it’s how it survives after the high wears off.


6. Prepare for the Worst, Not Just the Best.
It’s easy to imagine how great things will be. Now take a moment to ask: What happens if this goes wrong?



The Good News? It Can Be Done.

Many people navigate polyamory successfully. Many recognize NRE for what it is, stay in control, and build strong, healthy connections. But they do it by being intentional, by respecting the process, and by refusing to rush into places even angels fear to tread.

You have a choice. You can chase the high, ignore the warnings, and hope you don’t crash.

Or you can take your time, build something real, and avoid the darkness before it finds you.
Thank you so much! I needed to hear this!
 
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