(This is thoughts running through my head. Writing helps me sort them. I apologize for the mess.)
My wife and I had been married about a decade and had two kids when we moved 500 miles away from our home. A great friend of ours, "C," was looking at moving to the same area. We decided it would be cheaper for everyone and easier to hang out if we just got one house for us all. For almost 10 years now we've had 3 adults and 2 kids in what all of us see as one family. (Just a side note, C is like a sibling to me and my wife and asexual. No poly relationship here.) C has been a member of our family for a decade. They have been right in it with us; they are part of us. It's a sturdy "love triad," just with some romance and some storge (familial love in Greek) in it.
Learning about poly, I realized we have a "hierarchy" in our family. When it comes to the kids C is just as involved in everything with them, but my wife and I ultimately make the decisions if C disagrees. My wife and I own the house, C is technically renting a room. If I have to pick time or care with one of them, I usually pick my wife. C totally gets it, supports it this way, and understands it. Hmm . . . I've heard of some people really against the hierarchy, but I (kind of) live in one that works wonderfully. Most likely because everyone agrees to and understands it.
Now gotten trickier.
We have met someone, "K," that has been a friend to C for years longer than we have. We've talked to K and met them a few times. They've even been helping answer questions about being poly since they've been poly for years. When K recently visited, we learned that they've had a crush on my wife and are therefore excited to learn we have been looking into being poly. But (even if my wife were to say "Yes." "Not interested." was given) it would be complicated. C is asexual and is fine with my wife and I being romantic with each other. But if someone that has been their closest friend for 20 years starts a romantic relationship with their next closest friend . . . They would feel like being left behind because they aren't romantic. They would feel like being dropped another notch in the hierarchy. Like they were being partially ignored.
Those are very similar to the ways I was feeling when this idea of being poly started for me and my wife. And then my wife felt that way when thinking about me being with someone. And now C has felt that way too. The three of us have all felt the worry of an additional romantic relationship in our triad, even with our triad being part storge. Part of the plan my wife and I have had is that this is a new way for both of us, we both have new opportunities. C basically doesn't.
We've learned a bit from this, like how awkward it can be when the ends of the Vee decide how they want a relationship to work, when the middle is sitting there, how much us being poly can really affect C, and that we really are a family, where all 3 of us can be excited, worried, nervous and more if a new relationship happens. We are similar to a love triad, including the complexity of adding another corner.
Realizing how C is really a part of this, and that we should make sure they are good with it, also makes me worry a bit. Needing an additional "OK" can make things more complicated. However, having an additional person that important in our lives just means my wife and I are already almost poly. Just a different kind of love.
My wife and I had been married about a decade and had two kids when we moved 500 miles away from our home. A great friend of ours, "C," was looking at moving to the same area. We decided it would be cheaper for everyone and easier to hang out if we just got one house for us all. For almost 10 years now we've had 3 adults and 2 kids in what all of us see as one family. (Just a side note, C is like a sibling to me and my wife and asexual. No poly relationship here.) C has been a member of our family for a decade. They have been right in it with us; they are part of us. It's a sturdy "love triad," just with some romance and some storge (familial love in Greek) in it.
Learning about poly, I realized we have a "hierarchy" in our family. When it comes to the kids C is just as involved in everything with them, but my wife and I ultimately make the decisions if C disagrees. My wife and I own the house, C is technically renting a room. If I have to pick time or care with one of them, I usually pick my wife. C totally gets it, supports it this way, and understands it. Hmm . . . I've heard of some people really against the hierarchy, but I (kind of) live in one that works wonderfully. Most likely because everyone agrees to and understands it.
Now gotten trickier.
We have met someone, "K," that has been a friend to C for years longer than we have. We've talked to K and met them a few times. They've even been helping answer questions about being poly since they've been poly for years. When K recently visited, we learned that they've had a crush on my wife and are therefore excited to learn we have been looking into being poly. But (even if my wife were to say "Yes." "Not interested." was given) it would be complicated. C is asexual and is fine with my wife and I being romantic with each other. But if someone that has been their closest friend for 20 years starts a romantic relationship with their next closest friend . . . They would feel like being left behind because they aren't romantic. They would feel like being dropped another notch in the hierarchy. Like they were being partially ignored.
Those are very similar to the ways I was feeling when this idea of being poly started for me and my wife. And then my wife felt that way when thinking about me being with someone. And now C has felt that way too. The three of us have all felt the worry of an additional romantic relationship in our triad, even with our triad being part storge. Part of the plan my wife and I have had is that this is a new way for both of us, we both have new opportunities. C basically doesn't.
We've learned a bit from this, like how awkward it can be when the ends of the Vee decide how they want a relationship to work, when the middle is sitting there, how much us being poly can really affect C, and that we really are a family, where all 3 of us can be excited, worried, nervous and more if a new relationship happens. We are similar to a love triad, including the complexity of adding another corner.
Realizing how C is really a part of this, and that we should make sure they are good with it, also makes me worry a bit. Needing an additional "OK" can make things more complicated. However, having an additional person that important in our lives just means my wife and I are already almost poly. Just a different kind of love.
