My boyfriend suggested an open relationship.. Help?

C

Cirse

New member
So... I've been seeing this guy for almost a year now. I'm head over heels in love, and so is he. I connect with him in a way that I never have with anyone else, and can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He respects me, my kids, and the relationship I have with them. And the sex with him is unbelievable.

I have not had a lot of luck in the past with sex and it wasn't until my divorce a few years ago that my sex drive really picked up and I started to really enjoy things. With my current partner, I've really been able to trust him, and let go. I've discovered several things that I really like that I never even thought I would consider. Its made me a bit voracious, and I want to try as many new things as I can. We've had several discussions about this, and he can't believe I ever had issues with sex in the past, because I'm so open and responsive with him.

He recently told me that we should consider an open relationship. He said I need to take full advantage of this sexual awakening, and explore, especially my interest in being with other women. I like the idea of us exploring together, but I'm not sure how I feel about solo play, or potential secondary relationships.

So I'm sort of at a loss on what to do next. On one hand, the idea really excites me, and I'm thinking about all the potential adventures, both with my partner, and alone. On the other hand, the idea terrifies me, and I'm thinking about all the complications and potential damage this could cause our relationship. We discussed boundaries and things we should agree on, but realized that we have no idea what the other would be comfortable with until it actually happens. Obviously, there is more discussion in our future.

What I'm really looking for, I suppose, are some suggestions on how to just dip our toes in the water, so to speak. Small ways to start.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Cirse
 
Biggest mistake you can make is couple dating... meaning looking for a HBB to fulfil a experiment or etc to share with your boyfriend. People are not sex toys.

If you are looking for no strings attached sexual experience go to the swingers scene where your bf and you can explore together. If you are perfectly happy with your relationship and don't feel a need for someone else in your life why do so.

I will be blunt poly has killed, threatened, tore apart many a relationship believed to be solid. My own included. This is not something to take lightly. It is not something you can take back. Once you open Andorra's box you have to face what comes head on.
 
Read. Read books, read here. Discuss, as you mentioned. Explore your reactions to things you come across, so that you have awareness of the assumptions you each tend to make and how they may differ. Become aware of approaches that often lead to problems. Figure out what appeals to you. Are you exploring alternate relationships, or simply exploring sex?

It's true that you can't totally know your reaction to something ahead of time, but exploring your reactions as you think about potential scenarios could still warn you of potential triggers and danger zones.
 
Dagferi said:
This is not something to take lightly. It is not something you can take back. Once you open Andorra's box you have to face what comes head on.
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Best thing I've seen said so far to you. It's so true. My relationship with my husband has changed a lot since we started. Some of the changes have been really hard for me to wrap my mind around. Some of it I've shared on here, some I haven't. Some of the feelings I have had hit me hard out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting to feel some of the things I did. Once I did though I had only 2 choices. Find a way to deal or leave my marriage. I made the choice to face my feelings, walk through them and come out the other side a different person. But it easily could have gone the other way. The work required to come out the other side isn't something everyone wants to take on. Even now it's still a work in progress every day. We are getting to a place of being more comfortable but new things still come up we're forced to figure out.
 
Welcome!

First of all, it's great that you're taking the first step in reaching out for advice/support on this forum. You'll find some great resources on here, and I've gotten tremendous amounts of advice/support when things have been hard.

To emphasize and expand on what other posters have said so far, it's important to think about what kind of an open relationship you and your guy want. Swinging, alone or together? Friends with benefits? Polyamory (which is about having multiple relationships and all the feelings that come that)? Here's a great resource that might give you some insight into what you're looking for: http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/open.html. Others have also recommended the book, Opening Up, which I am ordering myself.

My husband and I opened up our marriage several years ago with a threesome with a mutual friend. It started off as more friends with benefits, and my husband and I hadn't even considered polyamory (we were thinking other relationships would be purely sexual). But over time, I developed strong feelings for my friend and now have a co-primary type long distance relationship with him. My husband recently started a romantic/sexual relationship of his own, which has been difficult for me in lots of ways and has sparked a lot of growth in his and my relationship. Although he said that he was only looking for a sexual relationship, it very quickly turned into love. That is always a possibility when you combine strong emotional connections with sex.

It's good that you feel like you have a solid relationship with your guy. I went into polyamory feeling very strong about my husband and my relationship. But I think polyamory (or any kind of open relationship really) exposes all of the weaknesses in your relationship. We've identified a number of "weak links" in the chain as of late, with new stresses. There have been many times that it's been hell for me and him, and I know things will be hard sometimes. However, we do have the kind of relationship where we're willing to work on these together and get through it. Communication, communication, communication.

I think one of the most challenging models of open relationships is when couples look for someone to fulfill both of their needs. I know there's lots of people on this forum who have a "triad" and are able to make it work, but it's really hard work. I've heard horror stories about the person involved with the couple being tossed aside and not treated as a human being, because the couple is trying to "protect" their relationship and/or one of the people in the couple has "veto" power (meaning he/she can close the relationship whenever he/she feels threatened). Here's another great article on couple privilege: http://tacit.livejournal.com/578925.html. If you go into an open relationship with assumptions that "if it gets too hard, we can just end all the other relationships" or "the most important relationship is my relationship with my guy", it could be incredibly hurtful to whomever you bring into the relationship.

With all that said, I am a strong supporter of open relationships, if you have the kind of solid foundation in your relationship beforehand. I feel so lucky to have two guys in my life who love me completely. While I never thought I'd be polyamorous in the beginning of all this, it enriches my life in a way I could have never imagined.

Good luck and keep us posted!
 
I met my boyfriend on a swingers site that he and his wife were on. Our relationship has grown into a committed v relationship with him as the hinge. That was 2 years ago. Maybe that would be a good place for you and your boyfriend to start. good luck.
 
Believe me, I am not taking this lightly. Neither is he. Until we read 'The Ethical Slut' together, I had never heard of poly. I thought of open relationships as basically swinging. The potential ramifications and complications of true poly is not something I'm sure I'm ready to deal with, or want to. As far as actively hunting for the fabled 'unicorn', well... If we stumble across one and the three of us get to share a new and pleasurable experience, that's all well and good. But I'm just as fine with it never happening and keeping it as a happy fantasy.

Honestly, right now, I think we are both thinking of it as new sexual experiences, alone or together. I think I am most comfortable with trying some form of swinging.

This is by far the best relationship I've had, and I'm taking a very cautious approach to this. I started a list of boundaries to consider, how to handle various things as they come up. And of things, or reasons that would make me feel insecure or jealous. I'm looking into getting the book 'opening up', and reading everything I can find online. lol. Its what I do... Read, research, over analyze, make lists, journal.

Thank you for all the responses, and all were very helpful, as are reading the threads on this board.


Cirse
 
Ask yourself this how would you feel if your boyfriend fell head over heels for someone else.

Your time together may be halved. His attention divided. He may share things/activities with them he doesn't with you.

Are you prepared for your friends, family, employer to find out. What will happen if you are outed. What about your kids? Would your ex use it against you?
 
Sounds like you're off to a good start with the researching! Here's another great resource: http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/. I wonder if the Open Relationship checklist could be helpful in setting boundaries.

That said, I would be quite aware of how emotional connections and sex can lead to love, whether you're prepared for it (or want it) or not. My husband fell in love after his first date with his friend, despite upfront telling me he wasn't looking to fall in love. Couples often make a rule about "no love" when opening their relationship, and it's a rule that is frequently broken. I'm not saying that it's going to - I'm just speaking from personal experience. Like I said, I didn't go into my relationship with my guy thinking that was something I wanted or would ever happen, but it did. In retrospect, both my husband and I really were never much for casual sex. The idea of swinging was a turn on, but our histories suggested that we really do look for emotional connections in partners. Just something to keep in mind - something I wished that I was aware of from the beginning, but wouldn't have changed what had happened.

Best of luck!
 
I am terrified of exactly that. My boyfriend falling in love with someone else, I mean. He's mine. I don't want to share him, or our time together. He says he isn't so worried about me falling in love with someone else because he knows no matter what, I'm his. He is aware that it is a possibility, though. But... Are a few new and exciting sexual experiences worth risking what we have together? He says he loves me, is committed to me, but doesn't see why that should mean we never have sex with anyone else again, if we want to. And being idealistic, sure... If we both could be sexual with others with no risk to our own primary relationship, I'd be all for it. But it isn't idealistic or black and white.

The other things you mentioned... I haven't even started thinking about yet.

The hint of an open relationship has come up a few times, so I decided we really needed to actually discuss it. We are a long way off form deciding if its what we want to do.

C
 
Hi Cirse,

I want to note that closed monogamy isn't necessarily safe either. People cheat -- even people who are 100% happy with the relationship they already have. You can't predict when you'll fall in love with someone, and you can't predict the circumstances.

It's excellent that you are investing in the book "Opening Up," and that you've read "The Ethical Slut." You may also want to consider the book "Sex at Dawn;" it has a lot of really good food for thought in it.

Another way to "dip your toes in the water" might be to develop a platonic friendship with another couple (or two) and just have nights where you play games together or double date, things of that nature. See how you feel as you develop a platonic relationship outside your primary relationship.

It's wise to go slow; better too slow than too fast. Devouring lots of learning material is a good idea. Having many conversations about the world of hypotheticals is a good idea. With swinging, you can even take that a tiny bit at a time. You could go to your first swing event without even participating; just watching. See how you feel. Discuss your feelings afterwards.

Franklin Veaux's poly pages are often recommended; check those out as well. Continue to post in this thread and various members can brainstorm with you on the best way to proceed.

Good luck, and good love,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I personally can not do casual sex. It is not in my personal wiring. Others have no problems separating emotions and sex.

I just personally had a run in about 30 minutes ago with Murfs former FWB. He broke things off with her 4 months before we met. Almost 3 YEARS later she is still obsessed with him. She was making rude comments behind my back as I was waiting for our ice cream about me, him, and etc. I now find it entertaining that she is so spun by boring old me. Things are tame now but before this she was making fake Facebook profiles trying to get him to cheat... talking smack... causing scenes in public.

Long story short there are crazy people out there that can make your life hell and try to ruin someone else relationship.
 
Re:
"Long story short there are crazy people out there that can make your life hell and try to ruin someone else's relationship."
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Absolutely true.
 
I want to note that closed monogamy isn't necessarily safe either. People cheat -- even people who are 100% happy with the relationship they already have. You can't predict when you'll fall in love with someone, and you can't predict the circumstances.
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Exactly. And we both discussed this as well. We could never open things up, stumble across someone else... Cheat, fall in love... And lose our relationship. I think if our relationship does end up failing, it will be because our own dynamics. Not that I think it will, or that our dynamics are bad. We are good together. Secure and happy enough that we can discuss this without one or the other of us melting down.

I just want to cover all my bases and know what we could be potentially getting into. I want to stay happy and secure. lol

A swingers party or event seems to be the best way to go about testing the waters. we live in a pretty small area so I'm not sure how to go about finding anything like that.
 
Cirse said:
....He's mine. I don't want to share him, or our time together. He says he isn't so worried about me falling in love with someone else because he knows no matter what, I'm his...
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I will gently invite you to consider the issue of "ownership." We cannot really "own" anybody - especially as it relates to emotions. Also, "sharing" is not something you should worry much about. Each love experience is different and unique. Love is not something that comes in a pre-set amount at birth, so that we run the risk of running out of it if we "share" it with other people. Parents love their children equally, we love tons of friends, etc. If you, for instance, have a new love experience with a new partner, you'll find that most likely your love for your BF will not change (it might actually get stronger). That's when you will understand the reason why we don't really have to "share" love.

kdt26417 said:
Hi Cirse,

It's excellent that you are investing in the book "Opening Up," and that you've read "The Ethical Slut." You may also want to consider the book "Sex at Dawn;" it has a lot of really good food for thought in it.
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Having read all three books, I would HIGHLY recommend you start with Sex at Dawn.

This is why. Sex at Dawn gives you the anthropological, psychological, sociological and scientific foundation to understand why we behave the way we behave sexually. Understanding one's nature is an important first step.

The other two books have more of a practical guide about how to do open relationships. If you read them first you can still learn valuable practical things.

[Out of the three books, Sex at Dawn is my favorite by far. But that's also because I like research and there's ton of scientific research in it]

It is like learning how to play a musical instrument. Sure, you can learn to play any instrument "by ear." But when you learn music theory, it opens a whole universe because you understand why music sounds the way it does.

In a similar way, understanding human sexual nature is utterly important before you guys venture into exploring. Not doing this is one of the mistakes I made in my previous relationship:mad:

Happy reading!
 
Yeah Sex at Dawn is a great read and a whole new perspective on things. I finished reading it late last year, and I've read Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

Re (from Cirse):
"A swingers party or event seems to be the best way to go about testing the waters. We live in a pretty small area so I'm not sure how to go about finding anything like that."
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I'm no expert on finding swing events; I'd probably just start with Google and search for "swing" with the name of my State or nearest major city; I'd probably google "swing events," "swing clubs," "swinger's clubs," and "how to find swinger's clubs."
 
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