My boyfriend wants a relationship with other women

C

catwright1992

New member
Hey, I need some advice on my boyfriend wanting to date other women whilst being in a relationship with me, as well. I kind of like the idea and he does, but then when he tells me to look for some girls for him that I agree with, I get jealous and change my mind. It's a fantasy we both like, and I have been willing to try it and share him, but I'm scared he won't want me, and scared he will fall for them and stop loving me.

Can anyone help me, please?

Catherine
 
He should be looking for his own partners.
 
Maybe you guys could look together, since he already wants your help.

Always be honest with how you're feeling.

Lay out some ground rules, make sure you are both comfortable.

Decide how much you want his dating life to mix with the life he has with you. E.g., do you want to be friends with his girlfriends, or do you want to keep that separate?
 
Do you think that us both looking together as a couple would be the right way to do it?

I'm very new to this, so it's like I really need someone who knows this situation and could help me through this. My partner knows I'm seeking advice on here, and is glad that I am looking into it more, so this is quite a big step for me, as before I would like the idea, but be afraid of actually making a choice, knowing what I wanna do, and actually picking someone for a relationship for him.

I don't think many people in the world would find this "normal," as before I wouldn't have found this normal. I am finding it hard understanding my own feelings about it. I've even had a couple of dreams about my partner having sex with other people, especially certain same people over and over again. It's pretty much the same person.

I'd actually like to get on with the person, too. I mean, I'd like to be able to share things with her, and talk to her as a friend. The problem is I just don't think I have the guts to, but I feel like I keep letting him down, and that seems to get me down a lot, too.
 
Honestly, before you and he open up to adding more, I highly recommend you do a lot of reading on opening up (there's a book titled this) and other possible readings. Also check out the website "more than two".

Based on your initial post, there needs to be a lot of communicating before you go searching. Search here for "poly hell", "jealousy", "cheating," etc., and get more information under your belt before you bring in another.

Also, treat each relationship separately. Each person that will be involved are individuals with thoughts and emotions. IMHO, don't go looking for a girlfriend for him, since that will be his own relationship, not yours to manage.
 
If I wanted to have another woman I would absolutely want to pick her myself, and that's not even up for discussion.
 
Okay, let me explain properly. This is the first forum I've been on, so I'm not used to explaining things.

My boyfriend and I are already in a semi-open relationship. My boyfriend is able to do stuff with other girls currently, as long as it is someone that I know. He has never been able to do much with them, or advance further, because I get jealous and change my mind, making them stop talking. We are both completely open to the idea, and my boyfriend has been looking by himself, but I keep changing my mind, so he has to stop.

Because this is my first real attempt at this, I thought it would be best if I were to help find him a partner or potential partner to begin with, someone we both agree on, to help me ease into the idea. It is not so much that I don't agree with it that causes me to change my mind--
I get worried that I will be left aside, or be number 2 to him, or worse, be replaced.
I get worried about what others will think, like I wrote above, people not seeing it as being "normal," which makes me think it's not normal, and so I make myself think it shouldn't happen.
 
I don't think there is any one "right" way to do it. I was suggesting you do it together, since you want to pick. You can't know if sparks are going to fly for him for someone whom you deem acceptable.

My husband didn't pick, but did give an OK for the person I'm dating. And his OK was just over the fact that the person was going to keep me safe, respect me, and be decent to my children. Anything beyond that wasn't really his territory.

Finding someone together could be fun. Also, if you both like her then you increase your chances of being friends, if that's what you want.

You won't know til you try. Take it slow.
 
catwright1992 said:
It is not so much that i don't agree with it that causes me to change my mind. I get worried that I will be left aside, or be number 2 to him, or worse, be replaced. I get worried about what others think, like i wrote above, people not seeing it as being "normal". Which makes me think its not normal and so i make myself think it shouldn't happen.
Click to expand...

You seem to be similar to my wife. That's why I will probably not look for another woman at all, but rather build additional attachments more on the friendship level. My friendships typically are hard to distinguish from relationships.

I think her problems with this concept really has to do with bad experiences, and not really being sure that somebody can have multiple bonds. Her experience probably tells her that people typically need to break up with their current partner before they can commit to a new one.
 
It's what my family would think and say, as well, that scares me the most and puts me off, especially of my brother knowing. I don't want them thinking he is taking advantage of me and making an excuse to have different relationships with other people instead of cheating. That's what I think they would think of it and I struggle with if I should agree to it or not, and let it happen or not. I'm pretty much stuck on what I want to do.
 
Another possibility is that you start out finding another man instead, and then let him find another woman. Or do it simultaneously.
 
Sorry, I didn't explain that part, either. Only my boyfriend is looking for another partner. I am monogamous, so it is only my partner that will be looking.

My main questions to answer my worry are:

  1. Should I care what my family and others think?
  2. Should I explain it to them, or tell them at all?
  3. Are these sexual dreams just fantasy or something I should ignore?
  4. What if the girl wants more in the relationship, i.e., kids, marriage?
 
There's no reason you have to tell your family and friends. If you're comfortable with them knowing and prepared to defend the choice, go for it. If not, keep it between you and your boyfriend (and his partner(s)). I'm kind of uncertain as to why you would think it was necessary to tell anyone at all about this other than a woman you'd like as a potential partner for your boyfriend.

If you're so uncomfortable with the idea that you call a halt to it every time your boyfriend starts getting together with another woman, then it may be that for you, the fantasy is exciting, while the reality is frightening. Your last question kind of reinforces that impression. For your boyfriend, it sounds like the reality is exciting, for whatever reason.

I wouldn't worry about "what if" anything unless it becomes a reality. Otherwise you'll "what if" yourself crazy and will spend all your time worrying and wondering instead of enjoying your relationship with your boyfriend, and whatever else you enjoy in your life.
 
Thanks. It's just so difficult when I like the idea when it's in my mind, and then when it comes to it, I just get jealous and feel like it's a bad idea.
I'm glad to get the advice you just gave me. I will work out my feelings asap. :)
 
Your boyfriend might not run from you, but women might run from the situation if they know that while they'll be involved with your boyfriend, you're the one selecting the women he's with. I think that's what Inyourendo meant.
 
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