My fiance's best friend

[SchrodingersCat]

I just found a PDF copy of Dr. Blanton's book online, the quack who invented the term "radical honesty," and it's as bad as it sounds.

I think it's worth noting that "radical honesty" doesn't mean saying absolutely everything in your head

Actually it pretty much does, if you read the book by the guy who invented the term. While I think your approach is infinitely more rational and practical, it does not align with Dr. Blanton definition, and since he's the one that made it up, he gets to define it.

Here's an excerpt from his book:

Telling the truth means all of the worst things you might
imagine it means. It means telling everything you have hidden
that you have done in the past to the very people who
you think would be most hurt or angry or surprised or embarrassed
by the revelations. If, for example, you have been
having sex with someone other than your spouse, you have
to tell him/her all the details: who you did it with, how
many times, who came first, how many times you came,
where it happened, whom you told, what you said to each
other, how much fun it was, and so on, and answer all the
questions that arise from the telling. Telling the truth means
telling all your secrets and your secret feelings to whomever
you don't want to tell.

So yeah. Bullshit. It directly implies that if your girlfriend asks you if you think about her friend during sex, and you do, then the radically honest answer is "Yes I do. I think about her bouncy tits and the moans she makes when she comes and the sweat dripping off her brow..." GA's answer is infinitely more considerate and practical, but it's not this "radical honesty" crap.

GA's approach is what happens when people read bullshit, see through the bullshit, apply their own common sense and come up with something much more sensible, but forget to change the name of their approach from the name given to the bullshit. Open, honest communication = good. Radical honesty = bullshit.

 

[GreenAcres]

Sorry for the delay. Long work week!

From my PhD psych friends, radical honesty was a term co-opted from actual treatment practices into a total BS book. One precedes the other, but I suppose, to be fair, most people don't know that.

The point of the original treatment was to not be afraid to speak *your* truth. Which, for example, in the OP's case would be that he felt his GF wasn't entitled to know his personal thoughts when he was engaged in sex. Confronting people about their reactions, definitely, but about your right to have your own answers and not be bullied or made to feel guilty, including to tell them to bugger off if they'd minimized or bullied you. It was about taking back power and the right to have feelings without guilt, etc.

But, yes, if going by the one asshat who wrote a book that because popular, which I suppose most folks now recognize that terms as connected with, you're right: it's just bullshit designed to make people who want to be assholes believe they're "better people" for doing so.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

From my PhD psych friends, radical honesty was a term co-opted from actual treatment practices into a total BS book. The point of the original treatment was to not be afraid to speak *your* truth.

Thank you for the clarification!! That makes much more sense.

So then I would think... the best way to learn the "proper" approach of radical honesty is through therapy, either couples or individual. Seems like something that would be incredibly difficult to navigate on one's own, especially when one or both partners is so used to approaching conflict with manipulative behaviour that they may not even be aware of.

 

[KC43]

Thanks for explaining, GA. Your meaning of it makes a lot more sense--and sounds a lot kinder and gentler to all concerned--than the drivel I found online.

 

[Confused]

I try to be radically honest with my husband, but with this in mind I live my life consistently with what I'm comfortable with doing knowing that he will find out. So I can honestly say to him that sometimes people pop into my mind when we're having sex but I choose to refocus on him and don't dwell on anything else. It works well for us and I enjoy that level of sharing as does he. I enjoy the self reflection it pushes me to do about my own thoughts and actions too.