My first poly partner experience

J

julietrose

New member
For the last 9.5 years I have been in a relationship with my NP and have not had any partners (except my new partner of less than 1 month) that have made it past date one, nor made their way into a sexual relationship. (Only one even made it to a kiss.) Meanwhile, my NP has had 2 long-term GFs in that same time period. In the end, he became fluid-bonded with both, at some point. Discussions were had and there were zero issues with this occurring. So when it comes to safety I thought I understood what that meant.

Well, it's coming to my attention from my NP that I might not be as safe as he would like. But now I am questioning everything.

I feel like condom use should be occurring when PIV and PIA actually occur, along with the intention of cumming, but not so much when everything is external to the vulva/anus, with only the intention of arousal (aka grinding). My NP is of the mind that both should have condom usage.

I am just having problems with justifying this in my brain. I know that STIs can be transmitted in MANY ways, including just skin contact, so for some STIs, condoms do not mitigate any risk. So they are not really useful for those.

Can someone help me with trying to either mitigate risk better if I am wrong, help me to explain to my partner if he's wrong, or help me make sense of all this so that I am able to communicate better with my new partner?

Thank you.

ETA: as far as I am aware from conversations, both my new partner and I have clear panels, and I am going to be getting a new panel done next month as part of my regular testing.
 
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Why does your NP says he's been fluid bonding with them while still using condoms? Have they not?

Has your new partner been tested?

It really depends what your agreements are and what measures of sex hygiene you've taken. If you all have been tested, have shots and using other forms of contraception, you don't need condoms to fluid bond if you have a poly closed structure.

I know some people use no condoms with people "inside their bubble," and use condoms with people outside. Does your NP feel that your new partner is not inside "the bubble" yet, because they're new, and they need some time to trust the relationship dynamic?
 
Hello julietrose,

STI's is a vast and complicated subject, there is an article on Wikipedia that might help. In particular, check out the prevention part of the article. From my limited understanding, no kind of prevention is 100% reliable, your nesting partner seems to feel that STI's can be 100% prevented but I am not so sure about that. Ultimately, you gauge what level of risk is acceptable to you, and run with that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
LaminarFlow said:
Why does your NP says he's been fluid bonding with them while still using condoms? Have they not?

Has your new partner been tested?

It really depends what your agreements are and what measures of sex hygiene you've taken. If you all have been tested, have shots and using other forms of contraception, you don't need condoms to fluid bond if you have a poly closed structure.

I know some people use no condoms with people "inside their bubble," and use condoms with people outside. Does your NP feel that your new partner is not inside "the bubble" yet, because they're new, and they need some time to trust the relationship dynamic?
Click to expand...
To help clarify, my NP was fluid bonded with his ex, and is now fluid bonded with his current GF (2.5 year relationship, but fluid bonded for 2 years), so he doesn't use condoms with her or me. And up until I started spending time with my new partner, it was a closed group (not from a lack of trying on my side). All three of us have zero chance of pregnancy. (NP had a vasectomy, I had a hysterectomy, his GF was on BC until his vasectomy was confirmed.)

My new partner gets tested regularly, as well, and he has other partners. Most of his partners are long-term partners. (2 years to 15 years). I am not ready to fluid bond just yet because it is so new.

I am just unsure where the line should be between non-condom use and condom use for a non-fluid-bonded couple at this time.
 
Is your partner worried about the contact of mucus membrane tissues (but not kissing, it seems)? I must admit lack of my own education in what STDs could be transmitted this way. Could he provide info?

Or is he more afraid things might "slip" while grinding? Like, no condom outside easily leads to no condom inside?

Did he always use condoms in the ways suggested?

It's also possible that this is jealousy speaking, but it's sure worth having the rational debate.
 
We all have to weigh the risks and take the chances that we and our partners agree on. No sex is safe except masturbation.

I, personally (as a person with a vagina having sex mostly with people with penises, and the occasional vagina), never used condoms for oral sex, and I kissed a lot, and I never contracted herpes or another STI from those activities.

However, if I were "grinding" with no clothing on, if a penis was coming in contact with my external organ, i.e., my vulva, or ass crack, I would definitely be using a condom. Pre-cum can contain sperm and STIs. And herpes can also be contracted from these kinds of activities. I admit I rarely, if ever, just did grinding without also moving to penetration. If we are getting our pants off, we are going to do penetration. 😛
 
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