My husband had an affair...

[Lucichattman]

I recently found out my husband was having an affair with one of our co-workers after 30 years together. He said he is sorry he lied but wants to still see her. She is 28 and he is 51. He says he loves me and wants a future with me, but wants an outlet and variety in sex. We haven't had the best marriage, but I love him.

I reluctantly agreed to let him see her, but it was too painful. I told him I’m open to possibly bringing people into our marriage, but I want to work on our marriage first and set some boundaries. He says I’m trying to take something away from him that he enjoys and he doesn’t want to be confined to societal norms of marriage. I told him I don’t agree and that I need time away from him.

He is going to a hotel, but I’m sure the other woman will visit. What should I do?

 

[LoveBunny]

I recently found out my husband was having an affair with one of our co-workers after 30 years together. He said he is sorry he lied, but wants to still see her. She is 28 and he is 51. He says he loves me and wants a future with me, but wants an outlet and variety in sex. We haven't had the best marriage, but I love him. I reluctantly agreed to let him see her, but it was too painful. I told him I’m open to possibly bringing people into our marriage. But I want to work on our marriage first and set some boundaries. He says I’m trying to take something away from him that he enjoys and he doesn’t want to be confined to societal norms of marriage. I told him I don’t agree and I need time away from him. He is going to a hotel, but I’m sure the other woman will visit. What should I do?

He's not sorry he did it (or else he'd stop doing it.) He's sorry you found out.

No offense, but your husband sounds like an entitled prick. Do you really want to stick around while he has a relationship with your co-worker? Do you want to dry his tears when she inevitably dumps him for someone age-appropriate, or more emotionally mature, or more honest, or more available?

Run. If he's polyamorous, that's his journey. There is no need for it to be yours. Probably he's not really poly. He's just trying to justify an affair with a much younger woman and co-worker.

Go heal from this and find a more mature, stable, honest partner.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Hi Lucichattman, welcome.

I recently found out my husband was having an affair with one of our co-workers after 30 years together. He said he is sorry he lied, but wants to still see her. She is 28 and he is 51. He says he loves me and wants a future with me, but wants an outlet and variety in sex. We haven't had the best marriage, but I love him. I reluctantly agreed to let him see her, but it was too painful. I told him I’m open to possibly bringing people into our marriage but I want to work on our marriage first and set some boundaries.

If he wanted to work on the marriage he would have stayed, and not sought out infidelity.

He says I’m trying to take something away from him that he enjoys and he doesn’t want to be confined to societal norms of marriage.

He should have discussed this with you and asked for your consent first.  

I told him I don’t agree and I need time away from him. He is going to a hotel but I’m sure the other woman will visit. What should I do?

Your husband doesn't seem to want to do ENM/poly, but is using it as an excuse to continue this behaviour. He might have told his colleague he's already in an ENM relationship and had your consent. What do you know?

If you want strict monogamy, please leave. Don't force yourself it is too painful and not what you want.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Lucichattman,

Your husband certainly has not been fair toward you, first he hides the affair from you, and then only when he is caught does he want poly. I would tell him you are not okay with this, you do not consent to him continuing to see her. Does the other woman even know about you?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.