My Initial Poly Adventure

L

LadyEm

New member
Hi.

I need a safe place to talk about my relationship, so this seemed to be a good start. I put in a little bio in the "Personal Summaries" sticky in the Introductions, but I'll elaborate here.

My DH and I, who have been together since we were 15 and have been married the last 11 years, decided to open our marriage up a year ago. We had started talking about it the couple of years prior, so it wasn't a rash decision but a communicable, calculated one that we figured would either strengthen our relationship or be a horrible error and then we would know. It was his initial idea. he has always been very social and very sexual, and the constraints of a traditional monogamous marriage were difficult for him. I've always been very understanding that I'm not always "enough" for him, and he has always been very loyal and true to me, so we thought that this would be good.

At first he had a couple of dates with acquaintances we knew through friends that we considered "safe" to know about our experiment, and then we tried swinging. It wasn't really my thing. The sex was okay, but it was the late nights that really got to me. When you have a toddler that wakes you up at 6:30 every morning, going to a play party where the action doesn't even start until after midnight is not how you really want to do things. I was a wreck. I would joke why couldn't we do "brunch dates" instead of all these late night clubs?

Anyway, after I finally said swinging wasn't working for me, he went off solo. At first it was when either he or I were traveling for work and therefore were not together in the same city. And they were usually Tinder dates or one-night stands. I was cool with that, and found it really hot when he would tell me about his dates. But the lack of a real relationship with these women got to him, and eventually he didn't want to do the "bar date" thing anymore. He wanted a relationship with a connection with one, maybe two other women.

The first girl he really had a big crush on about killed me. I was traveling a lot for work, and he met her through some friends that knew about our lifestyle. She was visiting from out of the country and would be going back to Europe soon, but still I felt like every time I got on a plane they would be together. At this time I should mention that my dog died, who was my fur baby and it was really hard for me as he passed suddenly and without warning while I was on a business trip. So with the loss of my dog and now realizing how much this woman meant to my husband, I didn't handle it well. I had never really experienced jealousy before; we have such a strong relationship that I was never worried. But this was the first time I really started thinking those thoughts that I must be inadequate and she could replace me. It was a horrible time for me.

She left for back home, the crush subsided, and he started looking for other women again. But that experience left me scarred. Every relationship since, I've been more cautions and a little jealous, and I hate it. But the girls he was seeing were more "friends with benefits" rather than romantic relationships, so I could handle it.

Four months ago, he met a girl, K. She was into a lot of fun, kinky play and BDSM, and he was completely intrigued with the lifestyle and with her. She was actually looking for a mono boyfriend, but since they had such chemistry she started seeing him even though he's married and she wants a long-term relationship/marriage/kids. At first I thought of her like all the other girlfriends - she's a friend that he likes to play with, and that's okay. But then they started getting really serious. Like, several days together in a row. And every weekend. Then he started spending the night here and there. It was all that "new relationship energy" stuff, but it was starting to get to me. Also, she's bi and had been in a triad before, so I felt like there was some sort of expectation there that eventually I would be included. I'm straight, and although I'm bi-comfortable it's just not my thing or what I want. So that was awkward. Anyway, I started having a really, really hard time feeling like she was "taking" him from me every night.

There's been a lot of ups and downs through K's and DH's relationship, and I know some of it has to do with me and some of it is their own stuff. But the three of us are really trying to make it work. DH is coming to terms that K still needs to date and find the husband she wants and when she finds him she might be gone, K is dealing with being in a poly relationship when she was never looking for one, and I'm dealing with changing my mindset to one of scarcity to one of abundance when it comes to love.

Like most people find when they go open/poly, suddenly all of the crap and baggage you've been able to ignore or hid suddenly floats to the surface. This has been 100% true in my case, and I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do to get to happy and healthy again. I don't even know where to start. So I'm hoping posting this little blog on this forum can offer me the outlet and support I need as I work through all of this. I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this. The supportive friends I have are still vanilla friends, and their go-to answer is always "he needs to stop and take a break so you can feel better," which I'm pretty sure the members of this community will appreciate as just not practical or good advice for my situation. I don't WANT to "stop." I want us to have an open marriage and to enjoy our poly relationship(s). The benefits I see to being able to successfully transition to this way of living and loving far outweigh anything we have done before with mono.

Finally, I think the hardest part that I'm struggling with is feeling alone. I'm 5 months pregnant, and am not comfortable with going out and trying to find my own relationship to occupy the time DH spends with K, for both safety and practical reasons. Once I pop this kid out and am back to my "fighting weight" I fully intend to explore my own poly side, but for now I consider myself mono. After all, if DH had never brought up being open, I would still consider myself happy in our mono marriage.

Anyway, that's all I have so far, in my brain dump. Feel free to pepper it with your own thoughts or impressions. Yay, community!
 
Another brain dump time!

I think the difficult part about our triad is that we are not all sexual with each other. She's bi, but I'm not. We just spent the whole weekend together, and K spent both nights with us in our bed. It's great that we can all get along and have the weekend together, but I'm worried that the lack of sexual expression is going to catch up with all of us. I know I really want some "alone time" with DH, and I'm pretty sure K feels the same way, and DH probably just wants to get it from one or the other (ideally both, but we're not quite there yet). But I don't know how we're going to balance this out. Who gets him first? Will she ask if he can come over to her place tonight, or will I get him? Did they have sex when I wasn't around? I don't think so; they are pretty compassionate to my feelings about that, and would have asked if I was okay if they had a romp while I was at the gym or something, or would have at least let me know if it did "just happened" or something. One of the big reasons why DH and I opened up in the first place was a big imbalance of libido. I just wasn't as interested as much as he was, and I was 100% okay with him getting it from someone else. But now that I've got all the preggo hormones raging, I could easily do it at least once a day, which would have been an unheard record in my "past life."

Anyway, I'm also an extreme introvert, and spending the whole weekend together and going to a couple of parties together has really drained my "being social" reserves. Today they wanted to take a drive up to wine country, and I decided they should go alone just so I could have a few hours to breathe on my own at home and get my head together. Now that they've left I'm seriously feeling a loss of sorts that I'm trying to identify. Am I just "oversocialized," or feeling the lack of "alone time" from DH? And given that both DH and K have high sex drives, do they feel the same way too? Tonight are we going to have to negotiate who DH can sleep with? She's going home tonight, but I don't know if she wants to go home alone or not yet. If she does want him over, I'm going to have to decide if I'll okay their date or hog him to myself tonight, and I fucking hate being the one in control of everyone's sexual fate all the time, especially when I know we all really want the same thing.

On the plus side, besides the whole lack of intimacy thing the weekend went really well (last time we tried this I sort of had a meltdown the second night as we were getting to bed, and she called it quits and left for home. I felt horrible). I didn't feel jealous, we all had a good time, and when they headed out K gave me a big hug. I would want to be intimate with K and DH, especially during weekends like this when we're sleeping in the same bed every night, but since we've had such a rocky start and I'm not too sure about being with a woman yet, we all want to take time getting to that point. Plus, the whole "different internal time zone" thing keeps working against me. I'm an early bird. I fall asleep around 10 and wake up around 7. They are both night owls. They stay up until 2 and don't really get up until 10. K had to take melatonin both nights here because she knew I was going to bed so we all went to bed, and she just isn't ready to go to bed that early. DH too, but he's kind of used to my schedule. I'm touched that they want to accommodate me, but I feel bad that I'm such the odd ball.

I really want to feel affectionate and friendly towards K. But when we're together, I just get scared. Like, scared of opening my heart up. It's weird. She's affectionate towards me - she held my hand when we were riding in a cab together yesterday, and at night she'll reach over DH and rub my arm or something. I want to do the same, but I'm just scared to. I think it'll just take time, and us spending more time together. From our past rocky history I just don't want to say something or do something wrong, some thing that makes her feel unappreciated or "second" in the relationship. Plus, I want to make sure it's coming from the right place, a place of genuinely wanting to show her affection and not because only I think she wants it or likes it. I just have to remind myself that K and DH have had months to build up that level of intimacy and comfort, after several dates/nights together a week. We've only hung out a handful of times, and most of them with DH there too. It'll take a while before we can develop our own friendship/relationship. It can't be rushed or forced. But right now I'm still in the camp of "doing this for them," rather than being a willing and active part of the relationship.
 
Jeeezus, if you're straight, you're straight! Why try to force yourself to be sexual with her if that's not who you are? Why hold her hand or sleep in bed with her if you don't want to? Why the hell are you twisting yourself to be something you're not? If you need alone time with your husband, tell him! If you're not comfortable holding hands with his gf or having her at your home as often as she has been there, why aren't you speaking up? Just because she's coming onto you doesn't mean you have to accept it. You do have rights, you know.

How will you teach your child about boundaries if you don't establish your own about what is acceptable and what is not? Everyone needs personal boundaries. Figure out yours and defend them!

You may want to devise a schedule for when the baby comes, too. Mommy will be need the support and presence of Daddy as much as possible. His duties and responsibilities as a father should come first.
 
Last edited:
Update: the poly heart still breaks, apparently

Wow, I really wish I kept posting here! The history would have been extremely helpful right now.

To summarize the past year, K's relationship grew with DH, and sort of with me. They accepted the fact that I am straight as a ruler and the threesome pressure ceased. She practically lived with us in our small 2-bedroom apartment, staying over several nights a week. My baby (DD) was born in November and K was there for the birth. In January, her apartment burned down. She stayed with us while she sorted things out. Valentine's Day weekend, I had a complete emotional breakdown. They had taken a trip together because my husband had to go away on business and she decided to tag along and keep him company. Their flight was cancelled on Valentine's Day eve and when they came home on V-day I completely lost my mind. Moderate postpartum depression and anxiety fueled with the past 10 months of not realizing I could have boundaries or a voice when it comes to my relationship and feelings caused a complete meltdown. After the fireworks abated, I agreed to start seeing a therapist for my depression. K moved out to a hotel a few blocks away (still didn't have a permanent place after her apartment burned down).

In May my husband and I bought a house together. I worked hard with my therapist for a month to get me to a place where she could move in with us, because DH wanted us all to be together and assured me that a poly family had lots of advantages for me if I would just be open to it. It wasn't always easy, but we all wanted to make the relationship work and try to do a blended poly family thing.

Two weeks ago, I received a text from DH when I was at work, "K is moving out. Right now." She decided that she didn't want to live with us anymore, and called a friend up to move her out while we weren't home and had no idea. I was completely floored; just three days prior, I had sat down with K and DH and told them that I had decided to really lean in and open my heart to our "poly family," and support them in their having the baby they both wanted. I felt completely betrayed and rejected.

We still don't know exactly what K and DH's relationship looks like right now. At first, she said she was done with him/us and wanted a "clean break." Then she kept calling and texting DH. I haven't really had any communication with her except for a couple texts consisting of "I support you; I care about your well-being" sentiments. It sounds like they've stepped down a few floors on the proverbial "relationship escalator" and are waiting for the dust to settle to figure out what they are now.

Here is what is currently killing me: throughout this whole relationship with K, DH has told me over and over again that some day, K will leave. This relationship was never something she wanted long-term. Someday, she would find a man to have children with, and that man wasn't DH. He wanted to love and support her as long as she wanted him in her life. He wants to be with both her and me, since he loves us both deeply, but knows that someday she will move on. All the while he told me this, I believed that some day K would leave and it would be just him and me again. He would be sad, maybe heartbroken, but overall understand that this is for the best and eventually recover from the relationship ending. This would take weeks, maybe months, then he and I would regroup and figure out where we are and what has changed (since things are BOUND to change in our relationship after making room for K and DH's), and maybe open up to another relationship opportunity far in the future. This is what I was prepared for.

If there is one thing I've learned in my poly relationship, it is that you are NEVER prepared for anything.

She left. He was not just heartbroken. Wrecked. Destroyed. "The Poly Heart Can Still Break" is the sentiment that comes to mind. And she didn't leave. She moved out, but she still wants a relationship with him. I foolishly thought when she left, he would look at me and say, "She's gone; I let her go. I just want you right now." Spoiler alert: that didn't happen. Aduh. He wants her back so badly. He said it feels like he was married to her in his heart, and they got divorced. He wants both her and me, for both of us to be with him, forever. He is totally, 100% poly. I knew this, but I didn't KNOW this, if that makes sense. For him to be happy, he wants to be with her AND me. And I'm finding that I was not happy when she was with us. I was okay. I figured it out. But I was never happy. And now the thought comes to mind, will I ever be happy with a poly husband? What is wrong with me that I can't accept him for who he is? Could I leave him to find my happy? Should I, or will that be an even worse mistake than going through another difficult year not knowing if there's a light at the end, or if I'm just trying to fit a square peg in a round hole? I love him, but apparently if I REALLY loved him I could accept his poly. I feel heartbroken and betrayed, even though I had a hand in all of this all along.

I've made a lot of mistakes that have cost me. I've been the "poly perfect" martyr too many times, allowing myself to be trampled on and refusing to set boundaries to protect me while I coped and transitioned. I haven't worked toward having a somewhat independent life (i.e. hobbies, my own support network) that would make being the mono partner easier for me. I kept clinging to this believe that she would leave and I would "have him back" for a little while just like the good ol' days until he found another someone else. He's not coming back. The husband I have in my head is not the one I am married to. And that's the loss, the grief that now consumes me. I didn't see this coming.

There is so much to this story, I know this barely scratches the surface. Hopefully over time and being able to actually tell my story and find like-minded people who have been there and understand can help. The worst is not having ANYONE to talk to about all of this, except for my therapist. And that just ain't enough. I am going through such a personal hell right now, and I don't see the light yet.

And this is all just my side of the story. Everyone made mistakes. Everyone went in with the best intentions and wanted all to be happy. I don't want to demonize anyone here. DH and K are good people and really want to do right by me and each other. There's a lot I'm not saying just because I haven't the time right now. I'm sure it'll come out as my brain processes more.
 
I empathize with you, I went through a similar realization about my perception of a long term boyfriend. To me it felt like being suddenly thrust uwilling into a disorienting, altered world. It must be so awful when you have laid the foundations, having kids, buying a house, for a future that you now find unlikely to turn out as you imagined. I hope you can make some solid ground to stand on while you get your bearings.

Leetah
 
Last edited:
I am glad you came back to share. I am sorry for the loss of K, and the loss of who you thought your husband was.

I hope your baby is doing well. She must be about a year old now!

Keep blogging and also feel free to start a thread in the Relationships section. More feedback is allowed there than on the blog section.

There are lots of people here who have gone or are going through many of the things you are. There are also lots of monos here in relationship with polys.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top