My life in boxes.. I'll give this a try


Green has been busy working on night shifts and with entertaining our other two kids, when he is home he keeps himself occupied in his downtime with his online games, and he has gotten into fermenting hot sauces, which is actually kind of great. I like hearing that he is keeping himself busy.

I went and saw Red on Friday. Green and I double checked my car insurance to make sure I have emergency towing and rental car coverage, and we've worked out that tomorrow he will be calling another repair shop that we used a few years ago. This other repair shop has always been better priced than the dealership, so we are hoping it won't cost as much to repair my car there. And with the stimulus, maybe I can get the car repaired and maybe we will have enough money to get started on Green's car repairs too. So with that I decided to visit Red. I got to Red's place and he was well into a project of rearranging his house. So I just jumped right in. He kind of gave me this 'I'm sorry' look when I walked in the door, but I was actually happy to help. With his arthritis, he has a hard time moving some things and I know he had been talking about wanting to do some rearranging, so I had a sneaky suspicion it would come up at some point. So I spent 4 hours moving and cleaning stuff, it just wasn't at my house.... Afterwards we watched a few episodes of shows that Red has now deemed as shows we will watch together (mainly because I can't stream at my house), and I headed home. I offered to take his laundry with me and we decided that on Sunday I'd bring it back. He usually does laundry at a friends house, but because of covid his friend's room mate isn't keen on him coming over to do laundry.

So when I brought the laundry back up today, I hung out and we watched some more episodes of shows and he asked if I was hungry and offered to buy me dinner as a thanks for the laundry. So while we were ordering I asked him to order my son a specific meal and was pulling out cash to give him for it, but he told me not to worry about it. I thought it was really kind of him. Usually it is just he and I when we are together, and we usually always trade on paying for meals we share, he pays one time and I pay the next, or I cook and then he cooks. But this is the first time since I've been back that we've ordered food and while I accepted him paying for mine, I wasn't expecting him to pay for the meal I'd take back to my son. So it was really kind of him. We ate and then sat and cuddled on the couch. I think I've been feeling touch deprived since I've been here; it calms me and relaxes me, I like sitting close with Green and Red and even if it is just holding hands or tangling my feet with theirs. Red rubbed my back and played with my hair and held my hand and we cuddled and that was just a perfect relaxing evening.

I also asked Red today if I could put him as my local emergency contact on paperwork for the doctors and such. Green would be listed as my spouse, but since he isn't currently local, I think it would be important for Red to be contacted too. I know Green would be really worried if something were to happen to me when it is just my youngest son and I here. Red said he didn't mind at all, but then also said, he just always states he has no local contacts on all his paperwork. That was when I was like, "well, um, I'd really like to know if something happened to you. You could always put me down, now that I'm back". I don't know if he will, but at least he knows now, in case he didn't before.


Yesterday, I got a quote to get my car fixed, which was half the price of the dealership. We've all come to the conclusion that the dealership was seriously wanting to over charge for the parts and labor. We aren't sure why, but the part it's self was nearly twice the price of what it would cost us to get it directly from VW, and either labor was through the roof in price or they were charging us for many more hours than it should take to replace it. So when we made the appointment at the other auto shop, it was a relief to hear a much lower price, so I have my car scheduled for service 2 weeks from now (the earliest appointment). We've also done a lot of reading online, and other people have been able to drive around for a while in their cars with the same issue, so it seems like, while it still causes problems, I should be able to get around and back home until the service is done.

We also got a quote for Green's car, and we think we can swing both car repairs by the end of the month. Which will be good.

And today, I picked up Red from dropping his car off at a mechanic and spent the day with him so I could take him to pick it back up. Red's car still needs work, but they are trying to find a specific part from a junk yard, but they told him, he would be fine driving it around for now. Red is going to help me get my car to the shop and pick it up.

So hopefully I can stop worrying about all that soon. I dropped a trunk full of stuff from my house off at goodwill today (so I can make room to take more stuff) and picked up some groceries. Then Red and I mostly just watched the news about the events in DC today. I never watch the news, but with everything going on, it was nice to have Red sitting beside me and chat with about it all.

Topaz (maybe it will be easier to name the kids too) stayed home. Today was going to be a big day, because it was the first time Red had a chance to invite any of the kids over. Since the kids still don't know Red as my partner, but just as my best friend that I talk to a lot on the phone with; because for most of the relationship we've been long distance (with lots of visits on my end), he hasn't had a chance to get to know the kids. They met him before we started seeing each other, but I'm not sure any of them really remember him. So Red, invited Topaz to come with me and bring his Xbox so he could play on 'real high speed internet'. I double checked with Green if he was cool with it, and he said he didn't mind if Topaz went to Red's with me and said he'd probably really enjoy being able to download updates and actually play online. But Topaz decided to stay home. He is a pretty shy kid, and covid gives him the absolute best excuse ever to stay home, which is what he loves to do. So I let Red know Topaz wasn't coming up this time, but now that Topaz knows there is someone we could visit with 'real internet' he might not be able to pass up a visit the next time he needs to download a bunch of stuff at once. (our internet is absolute shittiest "high speed (satellite) internet" I've ever had. I mean it rivals the dial up I had as a teen... it is just missing the sound effects.)


I had to euthanize my cat. We didn't know she had lymphoma, until it was way too late. It was like one moment she was her normal self, and the next, she was gone. It was a hard adjustment, she was only 5 years old, and apparently refused to accept it herself that she was sick. I miss her. It seems so silly to be so attached to a cat, especially because I have two others and a dog and three kids and a partner and a husband, but damn it... I wasn't prepared for that. Its been a few weeks now and I'm fine.

We all got our cars fixed, yay! It was all a little more money than each of us had planned, but it is done. That is a big relief.

Adding Jasper to our insurance as a new teen driver, has finally hit the insurance hard. Holy Toledo. I knew it was going to be expensive, but wasn't quite prepared for our insurance to go up $1,000 for our 6 month policy. People (me... I didn't) don't think about this when they have kids close together, but I'm absolutely unprepared for Garnet getting her license next year and Topaz not too long after her. Um, and I thought diapers and formula were the expensive stages, followed by three teenagers eating - being expensive. But I'm pretty sure three teenagers eating habits AND their car insurance takes the cake. Space... your... kids... out... Or hope and wish they are the kind that just don't want to drive. In all reality, Jasper does NOT actually want to drive, but he is almost 18 and he will be moving back to the family farm, so he needs to have his license and a car. It would be different if he were living in a city with public transportation.

So with all that said I'm on the hunt for work again, now that I'm settled in. I just need to get my drivers license switched over. Since I can't do a walk in appointment to do that, I have the first available appointment; at the end of the month. I've put it off because of money, its just one more thing to spend money on... but now I can't get a job until I get it done. But... I have applied for one. So we will see what happens.

Counting down the months till Green and Garnet get home! Less than a handful of months, I'm so freaking excited. I miss them. I think Topaz misses them too, even though he is in that 'nothing bothers me' stage of the teenage years.

Red has been so sweet lately, I absolutely adore him. I try to make it up at least twice a week to see him and spend time with him. I wish I could go up more often, but with his crazy work schedule we are lucky if we get two days. We've talked about doing a few things (like easy hikes, or just a drive somewhere), when he has an extra day off. So, fingers crossed.

I've finally hit the - I want to go out and do something - point of this whole covid event. I want to go see live music, and drink a beer at a bar. I drive by the breweries and wish I could go and sit and chat and laugh and have a good time. I think it is nostalgia, I'm home, I want to do all the things I used to do. But then, I look at people at the bars (in the outdoor seating areas) and online of people going out to eat and doing all the normal things, and I'm still firmly in the NOPE mindset. Like I just can't do it, even if I really want to have a pint and sit and chat. I know small businesses need the business, but I can't do it. But I really do miss live music.


Red has mentioned again that he is pretty sure he wants to end our romantic/sexual aspect of our relationship when Green gets back.

He is struggling with his feeling of mononormative relationship views and with Green being home soon. I honestly think part of it is just anxiety. The other part of it is he really wants to try to find someone who will be in a monogamous relationship with him. I think he still wants that 'perfect' 'ideal' relationship with someone he can grow old with.

As much as it hurts to hear that the end of our relationship as it is now, is on the horizon. I honestly can not fault him for it. I find myself starting to cry and then I'm like, fuck! I always told him it would be fine and that I understood Polyamory may just not be in his cards. I knew he had never been in a poly relationship and it wasn't something he really wanted. He just tried to do it because he fell head over heals for me, and it was easy for him to compartmentalize with Green on the other side of the country.

He started the conversation with how much he does love me and in how many ways, and how he absolutely wants me in his life as his friend. I had made a comment about him finding the right person and he quickly corrected me telling me I wasn't the wrong person, it just is the wrong time. He had again mentioned if we had met before I had married, how it would have all worked perfectly. And I told him, we honestly don't know that, because 17 years ago we were very different people, both of us. And he isn't considering that I would probably want Polyamory still.

I always told him I was willing to give up the sexual side of our relationship, and I would be ok with it, if it meant I wouldn't loose him as a friend. He worries that I won't want to be his friend if he finds someone else to be in a relationship with. I told him that wouldn't be the case; he has become a very important person in my life that I can turn to for anything and I would like it to stay that way. However I left it unspoken that my fear honestly is - what if he meets someone who would be jealous of the friendship I have with him.

Over the last few days I have had emotions swinging in both directions, from being extremely sad, to being happy to see him give this a go. I honestly just want him to be happy.

He told me he doesn't even know where to begin with dating. He wasn't looking for anyone when I met him 4 years ago, and when we got together 3 years ago, he said it had been 5 years since he had last had sex. So it's been a long time since he has even tried to look for someone to date. He said his brother had mentioned online dating, but he wasn't interested... Unless, maybe, if I would help him set it up. He said it jokingly, but knowing him, I actually think he may actually be serious in asking for my help. So I told him that even though I have no clue how any of it works. I would help him.

I can't hold onto threads of hope - but he did mention that he thinks he might want to reevaluate 6 months after Green gets home. One of his biggest anxiety driven factors is he feels he doesn't know Green that well; and when he (Red) is with me, he feels like he is a part of my family, but he can't be comfortable with that feeling with out knowing if he and Green are actually even friends. And he doesn't want our relationship to force their friendship.

Green is not one to talk on the phone with friends. But Green has always kind of felt Red was his friend. But Red feels like he barely knows Green. Neither will actually just call the other to chat. They do participate in saying hi and small conversation if I'm on video chat or speaker phone with one and in the same room with the other. But beyond that they don't communicate.

So I told Red, that is ok with me. We can touch bases and see if he would like to begin a romantic/sexual relationship again after 6 months of a break. But I'm going to try to not sit there and wait for him to make up his mind.

Green isn't going to be back home for a few more months, so I think now, Red and I are just kind of coasting in this area of knowing there is this weird change coming up between us. I don't know, I kind of feel like I need to laugh about it a little. Like there is definitely no script for this part.

Sometimes I feel like laughing, sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes I'm just genuinely pleased he feels comfortable enough with me to be able to talk about it like this. Overall I just want him to be happy, because I do absolutely love him, and if he is happy then I will find happiness in this new normal.


I guess I need to correct something above. If Red wants to wait 6 months (if we return to just being friends when Green gets back), and then reevaluate whether he wants to return to a romantic/sexual relationship, I'm not going to sit there for 6 months hoping he will. I will be there in 6 months and would be excited to have that part of the relationship back if he so chooses. But especially with how the pandemic is going and how long it takes me to even consider people as partners I highly doubt I would be moving on during that time. LOL Besides, I have so much crap to get done at home to prepare for next winter, I won't be doing much even if the pandemic suddenly becomes un-pandemic-y.

I mean to be honest I knew Red for a year before I took the leep. And the guy before him I knew for almost a year as well, before I flirted with him. And considering I barely leave my house and don't do online dating, chances are, I'll still be right here with just Green and the teens.

Red has been really quiet this week. I quickly get used to talking to him a few times a week between visits (over the phone, we don't text much), so when he has quiet weeks it's kind of noticable. But he called tonight and he had a good day. So it was nice to hear his voice and catch up, I'm headed up to visit him tomorrow. Last week I was snowed in, and couldn't visit.

Topaz had a birthday this week and got a DnD starter kit and like 100 dice, and made me play with him. I like games, but I have no clue about DnD. Topaz learned from my brother and his family, so he has been itching for his own starter kit. With his birthday money he bought another book and some mini figures. I don't know what paint to buy for them, so I'm going to have to do some research. Anyways, I was impressed, he sat down with his Dungeon Master book and read through it and gave me a sheet and the players books so I could try to catch up and create a character.... I think I did most of it right, I'm not sure. But we started our first game and completed one quest. Apparently I leveled up? I had a sidekick, because I was the only player... It was all a bit over my head, but he had fun. So that was good.

Jasper's birthday is coming up in two weeks and since he is turning 18 I have no clue what to get him. He is at this weird point where he has one gift he wants, and no other ideas. Lol. So Green and I kind of shrug and keep asking each other what we should get Jasper. I remember I just wanted money, but now I also know why I never got money as a gift when I was his age - money, like cash?! Yeah that all goes to bills, right now. Especially with Green and I just having fixed both of our cars. And adding Jasper onto our insurance.

I talked to Green today, basically I called him and said "It's Alive!". I got the truck started, the one that I haven't been able to start since November. Of course all the snow is mostly gone now and hopefully we won't be seeing it again, so the need for the truck now isn't as high of a priority, BUT, I could make use of it. Sadly it died again, twice. So I think while I need a new fuel filter, it's most likely an alternator that needs to be replaced. I'm going to pull the battery out and put it on a trickle charger and see if the battery holds a charge. But I'm kind of thinking it's not just the battery. I don't know, I don't know a whole lot about vehicles, just enough to get me by... At least with 30 year old vehicles. Lol. My car is a different story, direct fuel injection and coil packs - come again?

Besides that Green is good. The count down of days till he and Garnet are back home are getting shorter and I can't freaking wait! I miss the noise in the house, I miss other people being here. Topaz is wonderful, but since he is in full swing of the boy teen years, I barely see him; and I get so freaking bored sometimes. I cycle through my hobbies, I dabble in getting my barn cleaned up (yes, I am absolutely dragging my feet, I've got great excuses) and then I just sit there twiddling my thumbs. It is so hard to adjust to having only two people in the house when, for the last 15 years, I've had 4-5 people in the house most of the time. Even our dog is bored. Lol. I feel bad for her, I'm sure she is like "where is the other half of my pack?" - I'm feeling what she's feeling. Lol. BUT - the time IS getting shorter. Yay.


I got a new job, I'm currently in training, which is a nice change of pace. Except my sleeping habits have to adjust, I am not a morning person, never have been, but working means waking up early once again. I'll get into the swing of things soon enough. But working really helps me get out of the funk of not getting stuff done around the house. When I get home from work I try to work on some little things I need to do at home that I have put off, which has been nice.

I have some new health things popping up, so while I'm working now I'm also kind of dealing with a number of doctors appointments. The big one involved the possibility of cancer, but a blood test came back stating it is likely it is not cancer. They say the tests aren't 100% but I have another appointment next week for another doctor to look over the imaging I had done two weeks ago. So I am just waiting for more info, it is likely I'll need surgery in the next few months, but it should be fairly simple.

We got some work done on the truck, so it is running reliably now but still needs more work. Basically it needs a new power steering pump and power steering box, it leaks, but as long as I fill up the power steering fluid I can drive it. Which is helpful since my car is once again going back into the shop. More intake issues (possibly a faulty part); if I could afford to, I would trade it in and be done with it. I am going to cross my fingers that this next trip to the mechanic will fix it for good. As soon as that is fixed I will be saving up to get the power steering stuff for the truck done.

Red has been working a ton. I've visited the past few weekends and he's helped me get a few things done too. Everything is really good between us, we've settled back into our normal routine, even knowing things may change in a few months. I think we are both just going with the flow. We both really value the time we spend together. He was really concerned when I told him about my health stuff and has been supportive. We've been doing more cooking, when I see him on the weekends one of us usually will cook dinner, which has been fun. He subscribed to a new streaming service for me, so I could catch up on a few shows. Mainly TWD series and the other spin offs from the show. He doesn't like watching them, but he knows I haven't been able to watch any of it, so it was a really nice of him. He decided there were other things he could watch so he was happy to do it. I'll have to go up while he's working to really catch up on all my shows. LOL My work schedule might include Wednesdays off... That might be the perfect time to go up there and binge my shows.

Oh! I got my first Covid shot! My 2nd will be at the end of the month. Red already got his, so he is excited for me, because it means we might feel more comfortable going to a few places. Of course we will still socially distance and wear masks, but we could actually do something without as much worry. I still think it will be a while before any of us will really feel comfortable and feel some sense of getting back to 'normal' but at least it feels like a step in that direction.

Green still hasn't gotten his covid Vaccine; thankfully if he doesn't before he comes home, he will be able to get one here when he gets home. I sent off the check to secure his retirement venue, and we have a couple of friends coming out to go camping with us to celebrate. I'm super excited. His retirement will be tiny, the venue I wanted is a small museum, they have a wonderful outdoor display with a little courtyard area, I booked that and their meeting room (just in case it rains). In two months Green and Garnet will be home!! Topaz has been counting down the days, I think he has gotten bored having just me around all the time. So we are both very excited. It also reminds me of just how much work I have to do, to have space in the barn for stuff being moved home from the apartment.

Jasper called me last week and has been having some concerns surrounding depression. He has ADHD, and I told him with everything going on the past few years and the fact he is facing a move that will separate him from all of us, that it is absolutely understand and not something to be ashamed of. So Green and I tried to get him in to see a therapist, but nothing is available in their area, so he is on a wait-list for tele-health. They contacted him a few days ago and he explained how he was moving soon and they said it wouldn't effect his position on the wait-list. Of course, I told Jasper that he could just come home with Green and Garnet, but he is very set on his decision to move to the family farm. I am sure he will be fine, but it is scary knowing he has some concerns with depression and I'm not physically there to be with him. (I have clinical depression and avoidance anxiety; so it hit me hard to hear he has concerns about it.) Green has done great though, so I'm not too worried, I know he will support Jasper in all the ways he has supported me. It's just my mama-bear type instincts kicking in. And the fact that Jasper is stepping out into the adult world, I already miss him not being home with me. I still think the fact that he isn't coming back home hasn't quite hit me yet, how do you deal with your oldest kid becoming an adult? He's always just been there, with me. I have big feelings about this, but I'm also excited for him. I know he has a good support system at the family farm too.