My life in boxes.. I'll give this a try


I'm not one to journal, but I find my self needing to write sometimes. Maybe this will be a good place to start. I've made a few posts, but lurk a lot here, as I move through life.

My partner is, Red. We've been together for now about a year and a half. Together is a rather loose term, but maybe I'll get around to explaining it better as I post.

My husband of 15 years is, Green. We have 3 kids, now almost all teenagers, and we've navigated Poly for a few years now. We are a rather typical story here, where we have been monogamous and decided to open up.

In other posts I've explained a little bit. My husband comes from a southern christian-ish family who probably will never understand, so we don't talk to them about any of it and are in the closet so to speak. My partner's family knows he has 'fallen into' this weird relationship, and they deal with it with a lot of caution. My family is pretty understanding of unusual circumstances but at this time don't know we are poly. My husband works in a job where it is best they don't know about his outside life, beyond our marriage. I homeschool our kids; we are secular, sex-positive, science based, history focused, and inclusive - but we haven't talked to them about our poly life; yet. We are waiting until my husband retires to really talk about it all.

So a little about my up bringing. I was born to two military parents, shortly after they divorced. My brother and I were lucky to have parents who wanted to make a life for us that involved both of them, well as much as they could since they were both active duty. We bounced around between them depending on who was where, etc. My dad remarried when I was young, he retired when I was in my teens. a few years later my mom was also out of the military, but due to some circumstances ended up living with my Dad and my Stepmom and I. Since then they have basically shared a home, or lived on properties owned by each other but lived separately. My brother, years ago was in a poly relationship that went south after some time. He is now married but I have a feeling still in some sort of alternative relationship style. We don't talk often, I would say because of the age difference, but now that I'm with Red I can say I'm not sure age is actually the factor. I think we are both really just private people, and we grew up in a family where no-news was good news.

So the last time I posted I discussed how Green lives in one state on the east coast, I lived in another state on the east coast, and Red lives in the PNW near where Green and I own a home. I lived on my parents farm with my kids while we were trying to get finances straightened out for a work move we were only marginally prepared for. Where I lived was a 50 acre farm that was shared by my parents, my uncle, and myself and my kids. We lived in a combination of cabins and a farm house. To my parents, this was great, it was what they always wanted, everyone on the farm or at least close by; my brother and his family lived an hour away. It worked great for us for a year, but my kids needed their dad and I needed my privacy, finances settled and now we have left and are living with Green again.

Green and I just visited the PNW on a planned trip where we were going to spend it with Red, but as I had explained in my last post, Red has some reservations (for various reasons) about actually being poly and in the end declined our invitation to a weekend at a hotel we all wanted to visit. He did however pick us up from the airport, spent the day with us. I visited with him alone for a day. And then Green and I stayed the night at his place the night before we left, because it was an easy solution to getting back to the airport the next day. All in all the trip was a lot of fun, not how we planned but to make it comfortable for all we did what felt right for everyone.

So Red's reservations. If I had to pinpoint it, I think he just never thought he'd be in this type of relationship. He is a great example of someone who has so far lived his life to the fullest. He worked in the music industry when he was younger and the brewing industry as he got older. The only thing is that I think because he was always on the go he never found 'the one' he was always looking for. Living a single life till 50 he has said he is set in his ways. He is very accepting of those around him, but he is a unique personality. We met when I was working at a bar, a year later we hung out one night and things just clicked. Since then he is unsure of what to consider me as. He wants to say I'm his partner, but since we met and a few months later, I moved away. He goes back and forth. He isn't sure he can live a poly life when we move back, because he isn't sure he can share me, he doesn't know how it will work. He has said that us living apart is a convenient way of being poly, because I'm not there all the time, so it doesn't bother him that I'm also married. He has met with Green, we've gone camping, we've gone out together, Green and Red have talked about this life and me, we've done 3 way video chats when I'm with Green or when I'm visiting Red. It all looks like it is working, but in his mind he has one foot in the water and one on land. He has made it clear he doesn't want to loose me, but he isn't sure I am his to have. So... we just go with what feels right. I have told him, that I want him to be happy above all and if that means he is happy without me then that is fine, I will adjust, or if he is happier with us just as friends, then I will adjust. Some days we plan the future, some days we contemplate just friendship, when we are together, being together feels right.

Green and I opened up after years of contemplation on my end. I was a teen when my brother was in a poly relationship. So the understanding was there. When I was young I couldn't understand why those in the movies couldn't just make those love triangles work, especially when they were all friends. I was always rooting for the happy ending of everyone just being happy, but that never happened. I was previously married and divorced with a child and I met Green. He was everything every other person I dated wasn't, mostly I was able to be me. Two more kids later, and ups and downs of a life living in a demanding job time wise and stress wise and moving often. I finally started talking about how poly seemed ideal to me. We would watch what few shows were available, talk about things, but never anything seriously. A handful of years later, we started talking about things seriously. A few years ago I met a few people over time, and then I met Red.

Since then Green has had one relationship. It seemed to be going well, but there were some bumps in the road and it ended. It was odd for me to finally be in the position of watching him finally finding someone too. I tried hard to be positive about his relationship, but on my end our personalities (Green's girlfriend and I ) didn't match, she was nice, we had dinner together a few times, but I was good with parallel poly and I did my best to give him room and time to explore. Ultimately it was a time issue for her, with Green and I having 3 kids and us moving up to live with him again, it lessened their time and she decided it wasn't enough for her. I feel bad for Green, I want him to be happy and have his relationships too. Ultimately he is cautious because of work, and he really enjoys moving slowly because its important to him to learn about people and let a relationship develop, before jumping into bed. It seems though that most people he comes across already in this life move fast and are very sex focused, and those not in this life, well, they aren't poly. So for now, our relationship currently looks more like a mono-poly one.

Green is very positive about Red and I, he did struggle at first, for about the first 6 months of my relationship with Red (only when I would spend time alone with him), but now he sees what our relationship is actually like and I know a lot of his jealousy has gone away. I do feel guilty sometimes though because I do have Red. However when we are all together, to me, it really feels right. Like I could see a future of when we move back, Red living with us.

I guess we will just have to see what happens over the next few years. I think that's why I wanted to write about it. I'll write more soon, once I reread over this and gather more thoughts.
hmmm.. so some random thoughts.

I just watched a good video explaining the difference between Polyamory and swinging. It was something that has been on my mind a lot.

I like the term Ethical Non-monogamy, however I think of it more like an umbrella term; a good one none the less, I even like it better than consensual non-monogamy. I think others use it to replace polyamory. But because ENM can include Poly and Swinging, etc, I do prefer to use polyamory myself.

The reason I bring this up is because I have encountered people who just want to hook up or who use poly as a gateway to specifically hook up for sex. On my radar this feels more like swinging than poly, because for me, I need that connection, that eye contact and talking and relationship, before I feel sexual. I think in general this is part of the reason that for the most part I don't have that feeling of, 'they are hot, I could fuck them'. I can acknowledge someone is attractive, but for me personality plays a huge role. So the typical hook up culture isn't where I'm at. I have a fetlife profile, but really only lurk on the groups, because the hook up culture is strong there, and actually annoys the crap out of me.

So anyways, that is what I like about discussions that talk about the differences about poly, ENM, and swinging, etc. I listen to a ton of podcasts, and while I enjoy them, I do feel like for some poly folks there is a blurred line there. Which is cool, they can do it their way. For me its like religion, sexual orientation, or diets, you do you, I won't judge, but I like to know how I define things for me.

But I do wonder sometimes what is the percentage of poly people who do blur the lines between casual sex or swinging and poly, and those who genuinely want to find that emotional/relationship connection. And maybe there is a third group who need the sexual to have the emotional, I don't know. But, Like, how many people go into it seeking to fulfill a sex drive and how many people get more out of the relationship aspect.

For example I have a high sex drive with Green, but with Red its not about the sex, its about the connection more. Don't get me wrong, we have sex, but that isn't why we are together, and it is not just because we are long distance, when I'm physically there, sex just isn't the reason we have what we have.

I think the biggest thing about Polyamory that I enjoy the thought of, is the idea of growing old as a clutch or a community, like people living together or spending time with one another because they just genuinely love the idea of living collectively, having the support of not one other, but others. I would even say raising kids together, but by the time that happens for us, if it were to, my kids would be practically out of the house. lol I'm not beyond the age of having more kids, and don't get me wrong, I'm pro-choice, but if the crazy chance of me becoming pregnant again were to happen, I'd keep the pregnancy if it were Red's, but the chances of that are super slim unless it was actually planned. But that is the kind of life I picture as polyamory.

I think that is why I get a lot out of the conversations that specifically go into separating it all out to explain it to others looking in from the outside.

OK, well I guess that is enough rambling for tonight. I think this whole journaling/ blog thing is nice, just to get the thoughts out since I read so much, listen to podcasts, watch discussions, and lurk on this group and others - I don't feel I'm experienced enough to comment on others posts, and since I really have no one in my life other than Green and Red to talk to about our lifestyle choices, this seems to be a good place to put these thoughts.
So even if you're new, you should totally come comment on others posts - you'll get a lot more interesting conversation that way, as it's somewhat discouraged to interact TOO much with people's blog posts, not officially but that's just sort of how the site tends to roll.

And yes, there IS a group that needs the sexual in order to feel as connected emotionally, hi, I am in it. :D I don't tend to want to have sex with people I don't like as people - no hookups here - but I also couldn't do any sort of long term romantic connection without sex and the intimacy OF sex opens the door for emotional intimacy to follow. I've talked to a few other people like that as well.
I'm one of those people who likes both. I have two emotional, committed, romantic relationships, but I'm also cool with hooking up casually if I meet the right person. I am not demisexual (it sounds like that label may resonate for you?), and I do like to have sex relatively early with people I enjoy being around. I'll wait if my partner prefers (my boyfriend is demi) but I prefer not to.

Like icesong, I need sex in my relationships to maintain that emotional/romantic connection. I know lots of people can have romantic friendships, but I'm not one of them.
Ok, I'll try to jump into more conversations and participate more elsewhere on the board too. ;)

Yes, I think I do identify closely as demisexual, I would go even as far as saying I can relate to sapiosexual too.

Sapiosexual in that I become very interested in the intelligence held by people who are deeply interested or committed to/in what ever it is that they do. Not necessarily intelligence in the form of college/university education, I could care less about how much formal education someone has. It is just intelligence in a subject that they are passionate about or intelligence naturally derived from experience in life. Hopefully I'm explaining that right. I'm a life long learner, give me a subject someone is passionate to share and suddenly I'm all in for learning about it, and I do become attracted to people because of it, not everyone, but yes, it happens.

Demisexual in that yes, in most cases I need that connection, that trust and security that I'm not going to get hurt, before I open up or feel comfortable enough to move forward. I don't have many friends because personalities can turn me off to even friendship. I can be friendly, I have acquaintances that I enjoy hanging out with, some I've known for years and people I go out of my way to visit when I return home, just to say hi and catch up in general life stuff, but real true friends... I have a hard time opening up to people unless I trust them, and that takes a long time, its hard to explain. But I can see this as being directly relate-able in my sexual/romantic life. Those that I have become friends with, well a good 2/3rds I have felt sexual attraction to. Usually I push that feeling away, because I do feel at a loss as to why I feel that way sometimes. lol

As a teen I had many different partners and relationship styles, I had a lot of sexual experience and a lot of genuinely confused thoughts. Not about who I was but about what things meant in relationship dynamics. I enjoyed the emotional connection in sex, then I realized that most of the time the others just wanted to hook up, so I kept a lot of that pent up and didn't express it. Eventually I think I learned to separate those feelings and just enjoy sex, and I do enjoy sex. But to really enjoy it and to really feel comfortable enough to have an orgasm I actually have to have that connection before sex is ever a part of the equation. I only realized that in the last 5 years.

When I met Green I had just came out of my first marriage, he was literally the first guy I talked to in 6 months. We met online, not in a chat room, but when AIM was actually used to connect with people directly. I started talking to him because he was a part of a car club I had once been a part of, and I was searching the members lists trying to find old people I had lost contact with when I got married (emotional abuse and alienation was present in my first marriage), it was very random. We talked for two or three months before we met in person, and when we finally did meet, it was one of those feelings like we had known each other our whole lives. We had developed a friendship, our talking never really went beyond that. But once we met and hung out (which wasn't a date, but more of a, hey, I'm in town - where are you?) there was immediate attraction. If I would have met him in any other way, I doubt I would have ever talked to him, I wouldn't have talked to him at the car club if I had seen him there in person. One because I'm shy, but the other is, at that time I was still convinced that I needed to be attracted to someone first (and very frustrated that often times the people I was attracted to, I couldn't get past their personalities - possibly because of the issues I found myself in during my teens, and the major flop of my first marriage). Meeting him online reversed that order for me, I realized my type started with a personality not looks. Don't get me wrong, Green is attractive, he just wasn't what I associated with my type at that time. Now 15 years later I'm deeply in love with him in all ways.

Now move to Red. I met red about a year before we hung out and had sex. He was a guy with a notorious (in the town) reputation, of drinking too much occasionally and getting himself into harmless trouble. I never saw those parts because I ran the breakfast shift at the bar. He would come in occasionally and have breakfast. We had a lot in common with our younger lives, just 14 years difference, I became convinced that had we been the same age, we would have ran into each other. We talked about places all over the country that we both had stories in. So I always looked forward to him coming in and us picking up where we left off in our sharing of our past lives. I also noticed something else, he was a deeply depressed person, he was disconnected and really had no one he actually hung out with (I recognized this because I have clinical reoccurring depression and anxiety). He would light up when we talked, but otherwise was pretty down and out, he could talk to anyone, but most people didn't want to hold much of a conversation with him. Later he admitted he started coming in more because he looked forward to our conversations but never would have guessed we would have developed the relationship we now have. He was the only customer I actually looked forward to seeing, and I would ask around if anyone else had seen him when he wouldn't come in for a while. But still he was a just a customer. We talked about hanging out on new years, because we were both alone and free, but that didn't happen. Then my last day came for working at the bar (so I could prepare for my move) and I wanted to attend the woman's march and I joked that he should go with me, because I was going alone. To my surprise he was like, "sure". Our day of the March started at 7am and went until well past midnight for us (we did a ton of things and actually never made it to the march, because we lost track of time), 3/4s of that time we were just friends in a constant stream of conversation and walking or driving around. We ran into all kinds of friends of his, in the various places we went, he showed me places he lived and places he had worked. Somewhere in the evening I found myself looping my arm into his or leaning into him when we talked in loud places, and all of a sudden the attraction was there. I actually surprised him a lot when I made it clear that I would like to have sex with him. He had to take a shower to have some clear thoughts about it, and came out and we had a whole discussion about Green and I before he agreed.

So yeah, maybe that is where I separate myself from a lot of the people I read or hear about. Maybe, I'm a little more demisexual than I previously thought. lol

Thanks for pointing out that, that might be it.
Green and I met when our oldest son was 8 months old. I say our oldest son, because 7 years later Green adopted him legally becoming his father. I had come out of an abusive relationship, I had actually married the father of my son, only to realize that I in-fact did it because it was just what I believed I was supposed to do. I mean I wanted it to work out, so if I married him, I had convinced myself it would. In all reality I was so wrapped up in losing myself - that my ex-husband was all I had, he had emotionally and mentally became abusive and alienated me from everyone else besides my parents. One day I woke up, it was at that point that I realized everything I had lost. I wasn't myself, and on top of it, I now had a baby, and maybe I saw the future pass before my eyes, or maybe I just came to, I'm not sure but I realized he wasn't what I could live with for any period of time especially not with a baby. I mourned that relationship and barely talked to anyone for the next few months. In the process of trying to locate people I used to talk to and groups I used to hang out with, I stumbled upon Green. We talked online for a few months, and finally one day I drove 3 hours and basically just showed up in town and called him. We hung out and at that moment we had felt like we had always known each other. I used to live in the town he was at that time, but never met him, he had only been living there for a year or so before we met.

Over the next year, I continued to live 3 hours away and we would visit each other as often as we could. I went to visit him on a business trip in Scotland and spent two weeks with him. Sometime after that, over the phone while he was in another country I proposed to him. I could not see myself without him. When he returned he bought me a ring and we started planning the rest of our life with my son. Once we moved in together we spent a brief amount of time talking about opening up our relationship, but then with another pregnancy, life became a little hectic and we shelved the idea.

Eventually, and without getting into too many details, my ex-husband voluntarily called one day to give up his rights to his son whom he never visited and no longer wanted to pay child support for. Green happily took the opportunity to adopt our oldest, and by that time, we had 3 kids total.

Fast forward a few more years and we found our self living in the PNW of the US. Neither of us had lived there prior to having to move there for Green's work, but the moment we arrived we knew we were home. The next 8 years involved moving, but only between rental homes until we finally decided we would buy a home. These are the times we entered back into the thought process of possibly opening up our marriage to polyamory.

Through out majority of our marriage we spent most of our time living apart, because of Green's work. This was ok though, we knew how to do this from the beginning and we both love each other enough to make it through when times did get tough. Me being very independent, helped with this, I enjoyed living my life the way I wanted to and just when I'd start missing Green, he'd be home for a while. So it worked out. The only thing I wish I had was the ability to have a community, but it wasn't something that was easy in our life, that was something I never really had in my life prior to him. All my life I spent moving from place to place, and missing those I loved, because both my parents were military and they divorced when I was an infant; so I fell right into this pace of life, it was all I ever knew, but I still longed for people who I could connect with.

Living in the PNW, was the longest I ever lived in one place. We actually got to know people around us, we found a bit of a community, it really started to feel like home. But I longed for deeper connections. At that point we seriously started talking more about polyamory.

As I mentioned before my brother was in a poly relationship when I was in my teens, so I knew of it. When I was growing up I had those feelings naturally. Maybe my parents always working closely together to raise my brother and I , even though they were divorced and my dad had remarried, played a part into it. I was basically raised by what I would consider a triad. Beyond that though, I just couldn't understand as a child, why all the romance movies could never end in everyone living happily ever after together - where there was a conflict between one person loving two others, especially when the others were best friends. Why couldn't that work (?). So when my brother came out as being poly, I knew it was at least a real thing then. About that same times in my teens I navigated my own relationships, and looking back, I can totally redefine a few times as being in a poly relationship with 3 or more others at a time. I loved the community of it, I loved the unconditional support of my group of people. That was the community I missed... I didn't realize it, but that was what I really wanted.

Green is great at listening and I am the type of person to talk everything out. I talk a lot. So we started talking about polyamory. We watched all the stuff available at the time, we would read books and share, we started listening to podcasts and reading articles.

And suddenly I found myself entangled in a relationship. Green isn't without faults, but this one was all mine, and I didn't tell him. over the course of a year or more, I slept with my friend and her husband off and on together and separately. I honestly at the time was going through a lot of depression, anxiety, and chronic pain. As much as I would like to blame it on all the medications I was taking (turns out at least two were contraindicated to take together - that was a whole other story - but happened during this time), I completely take blame for not telling Green. At some point I became afraid to tell him, because, how do you tell someone about something after it has been going on for a while (?). It was a rough time, but we made it through it. The friendship came crashing down sometime after I had told Green, which in the end was for the best for everyone.

So after that, Green was hurt, and he had every right to be. But somehow, we came back to it. And with Green in the know, about 2 years later, I had sex with a guy I had been talking to for a year, we had a platonic friendship, but the chemistry was there for more. This relationship only lasted a few months, because he had an on again off again relationship with his new house mate and she made it clear to him she didn't want him to have a relationship with me.

Next is where Red enters the picture. Green was interested in polyamory himself, he liked the idea of meeting others, but there wasn't much opportunity for him, besides having lived in the area for a number of years, he was worried about running into people who would recognize him, and since his work wouldn't be accepting to polyamory, he wanted to keep safe on his end. So he was interested in it, but didn't find his own relationship in the beginning of us opening up. He was supportive of me though. He enjoyed me coming home and sharing the new found energy of these relationships. He did find jealousy and we did work through it, and we communicated a lot.
I met Red just months before we moved to the east coast. (We - Green and I - have a clock running though, and at this point (today) we only have 2 years left out here before we enter into a new phase of our life, retirement for Green. Upon that, we will be moving back home to the PNW. )

So roughly about a year and a half ago, I met Red. I touched on how we met above. He was also someone I had talked to for a year, never actually thinking anything more of him than a platonic person that I enjoyed talking to. We never hung out, we would only talk at my work, as he was a customer. Then the last day of my work arrived, and then we hung out, and I was hooked. I enjoyed spending real time with him, I enjoyed almost everything about him, and Red enjoyed it too.

Green had actually met Red, they knew each other. Green knew I was going to hang out with Red when I went and spent the day with him. None of us expected that night to go where it did, Red and I sleeping together.

Red and I had a bit of a bumpy start after the night we slept together. Neither of us knew where we should go with it. Should we just write it off as a one off and go our separate ways, or should we explore more. So we decided to just let what every happen, happen. We started off as just friends with benefits. I remember Red telling me I was like sunshine to him. Which was incredibly heart touching. We hung out, because it just felt good to do so. For me, knowing depression, I could see him coming out of his deep lows. From the outside most people just saw him as an odd personality, he could be off putting. In fact most people I know who live in the area where Red lives, couldn't even understand why I hung out with him. I recognized a lot of myself in his personality and in his depression, I could relate with him, and I began to love him for all of his quirks. He is a deeply interesting person, who struggles with loneliness because he is an extrovert who finds himself in a community that is too small for his personality. Funny enough that is the one thing I don't relate to him with, as I am an introvert. As we became closer and closer, and right up until I moved, he also struggled with not being able to tell people about our relationship, for Green's employment concerns.

He told a select few people, and of course in a small area where a lot of people know both of us, a few rumors of us began to form, because we hung out together a lot. In the end, I decided, with Green's approval that we would just leave it alone. If people asked us directly, then we would tell them, otherwise we would let people talk and eventually it would become old news.

So Green, Red and I made a few day trips together, as they navigated each other, and eventually right before we left, we did a weekend trip together camping (March 2018). Then I said goodbye to Red, and we entered a long distance type of relationship.

This is also when Green and I started living in two different states too on the east coast. The kids and I lived on my parents farm and Green lived a few states away where he worked (about 12 hours in between). Green and I (and the kids) visited each other about once every two months, up until this past April (2019), when the kids and I finally were able to move up with Green.

Between May and November of 2018 I worked with a long haul transportation company, where I was able to dispatch myself on my runs. So that is how I made it work with visiting Red and occasionally visiting Green too (in addition to our planned time with the kids). It also allowed me to visit our (Green and my) house in the PNW, where we have a renter, who rents out half of our house - giving us the opportunity to stay in our house when we are in town if need be. But usually when I visit with Red, I just end up staying with him.

So over the rest of 2018, Red and I really formed a stronger relationship through my time visiting with him. We talked on the phone a lot too.

Late in 2018 Green found a person he started talking to. They dated over the winter, but when it came time for the kids and I to move up with Green, she found that her time with Green wasn't as ideal. Between Green's demanding work schedule and now the kids being up here full time, and me too. Green couldn't visit her enough (an hour away), and she never visited up here once I moved up. I had met her and we all went out to dinner a few times before I moved up, but I never added her as a friend on social networking, and looking back Green thinks I may have intimidated her. It wasn't intentional on my end, I don't have a lot of friends on social networking, and I don't do any chat apps. So I just go by what I'm told by Green, that he wasn't able to meet her as often as she wanted. He seems to have weathered their breaking off of their relationship, but I feel bad for his loss. She had told him that their relationship had felt like more of a friends with benefits and she wanted a boyfriend. That ended about two months ago.

In April Green paid for me to go and visit Red for a week and check on our house, which was an amazing gesture on his end. He said he enjoyed seeing me happy, and he knows Red makes me happy. And in July we took a trip out to our home in the PNW to do some repairs (from winter damage) and to celebrate both Red and Green's birthdays. That trip involved some changing of plans, but in the end, we all spent time together and that really made my heart happy. I enjoy the time that Red and Green spend together as friends and with me.

Well, that is all for tonight. I figured I would attempt to put together my back story in this post.
Back in February, Red was laid off from his job. It was a hard adjustment for him. We talked a lot about it all. This was one of the most important aspects of my visiting him in April. The last time I had an opportunity to visit was last November when I had effectively quit my job doing long haul transportation. I was dispatching out of a state that was 11 hours from where I lived with the kids and 13 from Green, and I just wasn't making the money I needed to in the end, I loved the job, but it wasn't working. So I spent a month with Red while Green and I refinanced our house, and I headed back east.

Red's job was already becoming a waiting game for when the end would come, but he was convinced they would do him right and give him notice. In February they gave him two days notice of his last day. Had he had the time to look over the winter, for other employment, this may have not been bad. Also, about six months prior to this they cut him from salary to hourly, and cut his hours. So when he filed for unemployment, he only made a fraction of what he was making the same time a year before.

It was a hard hit for him and I wished I had been closer to just be around for him. He had ups and downs while looking for work in his industry. His combined experience gave him just under 20 years in the industry, but this hasn't seemed to help him on his job search.

But finally this week he actually has a promising interview. Fingers crossed it goes beyond well, if so he will start a search for a new place to rent in the new area and he will be off onto his next adventure.

It will be 5 hours from my house out there, but hey, we are making this work, so when the time comes to move back home, and if we are still going strong, we will make that work too. He actually apologized to me for having to move if he gets this job, I told him to stop, that I was beyond excited for him, and we would figure it out.

Red has developed a habit of referring to his apartment as ours, it isn't intentional and he corrects himself sometimes, but it is sweet to hear. Especially because he has, even as recent as before Green and I visited in June, said that he still isn't sure about this poly thing.

Red actually had a fleeting offer in June of Green meeting his parents, but he quickly changed his mind when we spoke of it again. It is like he has these fleeting moments of being all for it, and then he has doubts. What is funny is Green and Red do great together as friends, from my perspective. Their personalities are different, and sometimes I get a bit of awkwardness, buy I have to remember, they don't have the time that I have with either of them.

Red is worried about what this poly life will look like when we are all in the same state again, that is what he always refers to when he gets nervous about something. So that is what he referred to when we talked again about Green meeting his parents.

In other news, our renter at our house may be leaving. This has my anxiety way up. He is also currently looking for another job and asked if there is any way we can lower rent. So we are basically at a point where we decide to lower it or we figure out how to navigate having the house sent empty for most of the next two years. Our only fall back is that if Red has no luck with job hunting and his unemployment runs out, then... He could live there. But I'm really hoping he gets this new job. So, I guess we will have to see what happens with our renter. I don't know how often we can afford to visit the house if we aren't getting any income for the house being rented, as it is he only pays half of what our mortgage is. Renting it out to others is low on our list, as we have it partially furnished and all of our stuff in storage there. The more I think about it the more I want to say yes to just lowering our rent for our current tenant, at least at this point I know I can trust him to look after the house if nothing else. It's a hard decision though.

With that anxiety, I'm now on the hunt for a job too. I think I have something promising lined up. But I'm having a lot of guilt about taking more time away from my kids. We homeschool, and we love the flexibility of it, but there is always a part of me feels guilty about working when they are home. They are 16, 13, and 12. So they are absolutely fine being home alone while I work, but still... It's always a hard decision. At least with this job I won't be gone for a week or two at a time, so... There is that. lol
Green and I have been settling in up here in our new apartment. There is always an adjustment to living together again, especially after a year apart. The kids and I moved up in April and I think we've all finally gotten into a routine.

We are in an adorable little second story walk up, the house was built in the 1840s and it's a street up from the old Town center. So there is plenty to explore.

It is a big change for the kids. Our home in the PNW is on 5 acres out in the middle of state land and department of natural resources. We raised pigs and various other animals.

When we moved to my families farm it was on to 50 acres where we fell right back into farming life, but bigger. We raised cows, pigs and the kids had chores with the horses and chickens and random farm work. They actually spent the year we were there each raising a calf of their own, which was an amazing experience for them (even through the complaining) and really made Green and I proud, and Red too.

So when I say we had to adjust when we moved up here. It was a big change. Bigger than moving from the PNW out east.

But, we've gotten the hang of the constant sound outside of the windows, and All. The. People. It isn't like we can't navigate bigger cities, my kids actually do well visiting bigger places, but it is different living in one.

So we've been exploring the historical sights and have gone to a number of museums, and each of them has found something to get involved in.

My oldest has volunteered to do sound for a theater group, we we're lucky to have found a group in need of a volunteer with no experience. So he gains experience learning how to be a sound tech. And we don't have to pay for it, other than the hour trip one way to his rehearsals and the plays. But so far that usually only happens about 7 or 8 days straight, out of each month.

My middle child has joined an ASL group. So she has classes each week and is seriously impressive in her ability to retain this second language. She is a natural, she loves talking, so American Sign Language is basically just an extension for that. I have no doubt she will continue on, I'm hoping her group will assist in finding some volunteer opportunities once she gets into or beyond her conversational classes. I think we have another 4 weeks before she moves on from her basic classes to conversational.

My youngest is still deciding if he wants to continue with learning to ice skate to eventually get into hockey. He was convinced it was going to be easy, because they did a ton of roller skating in the PNW. But it has proven to be a bit more difficult. So he is deciding if he will continue on or if he will switch to soccer.

Green and I took the kids out kayaking on Sunday. It was a blast. We've never taken them before, but they loved it. So I think we will plan to do that a few more times this summer.

Red hasn't met the kids beyond passing. They used to come into work with me where I first met Red, but Green and I had sent them to my parents (for our pending move) before Red and I actually started dating. However he does ask about them often now. I think he does enjoy keeping up with their updates, family is important to him. I think he always wanted a family of his own, but it just never happened. So he lives vicariously through his brother and sisters family and ours. Red has influenced some of the kids activities, he enjoys that my oldest is doing sound tech, as that was a part of his background in the music industry way back when. So he gives tips and pointers for me to give him. And his fingers are crossed that my youngest will do soccer.

Green and I have a steel drum lesson tomorrow evening. Green has a background in percussion, so this was a bday gift to him, it's a mini session of 3 classes. I tried to get the kids to take a lesson with him, but they all said no. And then my middle child said, Mom, you aren't taking any classes, it's your turn. So here I am, with almost no ability to play drums, taking a steel drum class with Green. This should be interesting.
Green and I had our Steel Drum lesson and it was a blast. The lesson is about an hour away, but it is worth it. Green and I haven't really ever learned something together. So it is neat to be on this little adventure. He has a background in percussion, basically if he can make a sound with a stick or his hands, he is good at it. I have no experience at all, besides Green laughing at me when I sit at his drum kit back at home, and try to mimic what he does. However, I seemed to not do too bad at our lesson. I'm excited for the next one, the rest of the class was excited that we were new but didn't hold them back and hoped we were here to stay for a while. We will see if we can continue to afford the classes, after this session. Green didn't express it a whole lot, but I think he was excited to have some sticks in his hands again, it's been a year since he's been able to drum on his kit or his other drums.

Red and I video chatted last night for about 3 hours last night. He drove up to the new city for his interview, so he had some jitters about the pending interview today and usually when he is like that he just likes to chat. The city he is in was one he spent a few years growing up in as a kid, so he had put his phone on his dash and took a video driving around and talking about all the little things that have changed and what has stayed the same and little snippets of stories of things that happened. It was really cute. He tends to share these types of things with myself and his brother and sister. Overall it was a really nice conversation and it was great to hear him in a good mood and ready for this interview. He is looking forward to a possible move, but is trying really hard not to get his hopes up that he gets this job.
Well, Red doesn't know if he got the job. When the employer called to schedule the interview, he had spoken to a few of his references and seemed excited to have him come out. The company paid for his hotel room and told him they would take him to both locations in the city. So Red thought it sounded like they were really interested in him. But the day came, he attended the interview, which ended up being shorter than expected and they did not go to the second location. They did mention they made a few more calls and said that he seemed to be famous in the industry, everyone knows of him and that he was a bit of a legend. However the interview ended and they said they would let him know in two weeks. Neither of us knew how to take those remarks he received. On one hand it sounds good. But he continues to receive, "we'll let you know in two weeks" and it always falls through.

So Red attended a 4 hour scheduled testing/intro interview outside of the industry this weekend, for a completely different type of job. He actually applied to this two month ago, but they finally contacted him back. So after his testing they said they would let him know if he moves to the next interview and he received that call yesterday! So that is a relief. He is a little concerned, because the job requires a physical, and he has arthritis and hasn't been able to obtain his medication because it is too expensive since he has been out of work, he is barely able to keep up with his insurance payments. But we hope he is able to pass it, and has a good interview. This employer has an exceptional health insurance plan, and it would be great for him to be able to get back on track and feeling better; and to finally being employed again. So, fingers crossed! Besides with this job, he wouldn't have to move, which would save him a ton of money. He is already worried about the debt he has taken on from being unemployed, unemployment only stretches so far, so not having to move would be a good thing.

As for, the kids and I. We attended an educational PowWow at our local Native American (Indigenous) Museum. A few months ago we got a annual pass to the museum because it is huge and in my opinion rivals the one in DC, so we've visited a few times and we try to attend their other events offered. The kids really seemed to take it all in. It was really a great experience.

Let's see. I passed my testing for the job I'm working towards getting. I have a background check to turn in and start training on the 29th. So this is great. Paid training, is minimum wage. Once I pass it all it jumps up quite a bit more. I'm excited at the potential to earn some income again, especially with the possibility of our renter possibly leaving. So at least this way we will be able to cover what we loose there, and if he stays I'm going to work on rebuilding our family savings. And then, hopefully set aside some money to visit Red and my property again before the end of the year.

Green and I just scheduled a whale watching tour for the kids. We also have a membership at another museum that we got when we moved up, it's a historical museum. Like the other museum I mentioned, this one also offers a lot of additional activities. This tour wasn't free, but only about 1/3 of the cost that a typical whale watching tour Costs. So we are excited to attend with the kids. As you can imagine 5 tickets to anything can become expensive very quickly.

Green and I did not have a steel drum lesson this week, it starts back up next week. But the kids had art classes and sound tech rehearsal. All free, which is amazing. As homeschoolers we have been really lucky up here with finding some free activities. Sometimes we aren't so lucky.

Oh, when Green and I visited Red in June, he had these really cool light bulbs that change color with a remote. It even had a strobe feature and multicolor strobe. He suggested and we all agreed the kids would get a kick out of them. Green bought a pack last week for the kids, and they love them. I thanked for showing them to us. Sometimes it's the simple things in life! Red was happy they enjoy them, I could hear it in his voice. He didn't buy them, and I wouldn't expect him too (especially right now), but it's the thought that counts.
When Red and I first started seeing each other regularly, I remember calling him and it going straight to voicemail and texting without responses. It was a hard adjustment at first. Inevitably he would call and everything would be normal and good. I eventually understood, it was just that the way we communicated was different. I enjoy the security of daily communication, he enjoys the ability to communicate and ramble for long periods of time in one swath instead of bits here and there. So there was a point in time that I just stopped calling him, I would still text him every now and then, but wouldn't bother with calling. Then last fall at one point he asked why I never called. Lol he thought he was bugging me by calling. I just stated that usually I never called because he wouldn't pick up anyway, so I just figured I'd wait until he wanted to talk and let him call me. He contemplated this for a bit. Now that he has been unemployed the conversations come more often, I enjoy it. He knows that with the kids I can't always have those long conversations, but when we do I love them. He just rambles. He feels isolated more than ever due to money restraints and not working, he knows a lot of people but have few friends that are willing to invite him over just to hang out. I feel bad, I wish I was closer.
I call him more often now, he picks up just about every time, even if it is to say he is busy and will call back later. He still doesn't text back. I don't mind.

So I hadn't talked to Red in a few days. Yesterday I called, I know he is stressing about this scheduled interview he has. He is hoping it goes well and is worrying about what will happen if it doesn't. So we chatted for a few hours. His recent trip out of town for his last interview provided him the ability to visit and catch up with a friend he hasn't seen in over a decade. It was a good trip for him, even though he was tight on money and hasn't received a call back since the interview. However, while out there he explored a bit and wants to visit again once he is working again. So during our conversation he mentioned looking at airBnBs and said he would like to take me to visit there and meet his friend and his friend's wife. I love those moments. Just the simple act of me being included in his future planning. It doesn't even have to happen, he just looks to the future and sees me still there.

We talked about his family and what is going on. Since he has been unemployed his parents have helped him a few times to make his rent payment. It is possible that they've grown tired of helping. I think they may feel like he isn't doing enough to find a job. But he is required to send out three applications/resumes a week (for unemployment), and has gone to a number of interviews, he just hasn't found anyone willing to hire him. He has begun looking outside of his field, and we are hoping this interview coming up will be promising. If his parents are no longer able to help with rent, he may have to give up his place, he is in one of the last places in the area that rent studios at the price he is paying $650 a month.

I have offered for him to move into our room at our house, but it is an hour away from him and he worries it may be too far out for most jobs. My house is in the middle of no where.

My renter, who rents two rooms in the house probably wouldn't be opposed to it. He has mentioned the only thing he doesn't like about living there is he gets lonely and it gets so quiet there. Besides that he loves it. We intentionally had my renter not rent the whole house, because he couldn't afford it and it allowed us to be able to stay at home when Green or I were in town. But most of the time he lives alone there. So it is possible we could just have Red move in there, while he gets back on his feet. If it comes down to him needing a place to live. We could figure out the bills, since it is only electric and internet.

My renter found a job. So he will be staying on for the foreseeable future (hopefully till the end of his lease) We were stressing about that. I was fearful that the house would have to sit empty for a while. Which comes with its own set of stress.

My own job will start training next week. That will be a good. I can start putting more in saving to get that to where it needs to be and paying down with debt. I did talk to Red about when my next visit will hopefully be to come out and see him. I was thinking in the fall, but he suggested we wait till January or February, since there aren't any holidays to worry about working around with the kids. He also said it would be a good time to escape any snow. Lol he knows me well.

Green and I had our second Steel Drum lesson! It was a lot of fun. We also took the kids down to our local town concert series last night. It is fun to live in a place that brings in a weekly live music mini festival for free through the summer.

We have a whale watching trip coming up in a few weeks that I am beyond excited about. I think the kids are excited too. I know Green is. He mentioned wanting to plan to take the kids deep sea fishing at some point too, before we leave the east coast. So that might be in the works for spring maybe.
Green and I took the kids down into town today. We are lucky to be living in such a place that celebrates things almost every week through the summer. This week it was a town wide car show with live music on one side and a DJ on the other. The town didn't close off the roads, but the parking along the roads had a variety of cars from classics to race cars (like from local race tracks).

I've been in training for this past week for my new job. It feels good to be working again. I also think Green has been in enjoying waking up together in the mornings. Usually I'm a night owl so our sleeping schedules are off set a bit.

Red is still doing interviews for jobs. He drove to an interview 3 hours away today, but feels like it wasn't a right fit for him and the pay most likely wouldn't be worth the move, not to mention cost of living doesn't exactly match up well with the pay. He did however get an email that he passed his second interview with the company outside of his industry (that interview was on Wednesday). So now he has a physical scheduled. He is nervous about it because of his arthritis, otherwise he is really getting into the idea of starting this new career. The email put him in a good mood. He is also visiting family this weekend. Instead of driving all the way back home after the interview, he stopped for the weekend. It was nice to have a long talk with him tonight.
The last month and a half have been pretty busy. I'm in training for my job and Red is in training for his job (he got the job he had a physical for!!). Green has been working a lot and the kids all have activities.

I'm hoping my training will end soon. Just waiting on a few pieces of paperwork to go through and then I should be able to test and start actually working. I'll only be part time, but it would be nice to start earning more money as the holidays are approaching so fast.
And... It would be nice to start saving more money.

Red is almost done training for his job, I'm so happy for him. He isn't thrilled about this new job, but, I think he is happy about finally earning a pay check again. He was really stressing about bills and all, and I can't blame him, I'd be a mess if it were me. Unfortunately with this good news he also got some bad news. He may need a surgery, which could potentially threaten his ability to keep the job. He will find out at the end of the month about surgery, so he is just trying to feel it all out as it goes. He is in a significant amount of pain because of his arthritis so it makes his training hard, but he tests next week and will hopefully be past this hurdle soon, and things will calm down a bit as he starts actually working. I hope when the time comes for surgery, he will be able to return to work after he heals, and not loose his position there. I guess it all depends on his recovery time and all that. I wish I could be out there, but for now we just talk on the phone most days of the week.

I'm hoping to schedule my flight soon to visit Red in January. I'm hoping to do it as soon as I'm out of training, trying to figure out how to submit my requested days off while still in training is kind of like putting the cart before the horse.

Green and I stopped going to Steel Drum lessons in August. I'm hoping we can pick it back up after the holidays. I enjoyed it and enjoyed having a day of the week where it was just us doing something. We are really bad about scheduling 'us' time, we just get wrapped up in the kids schedules and we both find ourselves not wanting to leave the house after we get home from work/training. So we have to work on that more. We have never been good at doing dates, and it has been something I'm trying to work on some more. With the kids all teens now... It should be easy now. Lol

Anyway, just a quick update. I come and read other posts here but just haven't updated in a while.
So much has happened since my last update. I kind of lost track of time, especially during the pandemic, I didn't realize it has been so long.

So lets see... By the end of 2019, I was working. My first winter, as a school bus driver. Since I've moved and don't work there anymore I feel it is ok to talk about it. That was an experience! Neither good nor bad, but intense, and interesting. I love to drive so it filled that, I enjoy driving big vehicles so that was cool. It was more so the area I was driving in, I was completely unfamiliar with the area and on top of always having different runs, so every day was different, and having to deal with paper directions in an unfamiliar area on top of managing kids, it was an experience I will not forget. I will consider doing it again, now that I'm moved back home, but I'll wait until the pandemic has some sort of resolve and things start to look like normal again. I have my Class B license, so there are other jobs I can get now, that might not involve the stress of dealing with so many other people during a pandemic. I'm still trying to figure work out, now that I'm back home.

Red did start work at the end of 2019, and then just as soon as he started he faced two major surgeries, so he had to quit, which of course was a bit stressful, but as the beginning of 2020 came and went. He was able to start working again by the summer at the same place, and since then he is doing pretty good. There are a few issues with the stress of the job and still in the recovering stages of major surgeries, but he is just taking it one day at a time.

I did visit him at the beginning of 2020, in fact, I found myself flying out of the Seattle airport only a week after the first Covid-19 cases were linked to travel through the airport. At the time, I remember thinking about it with concern, but couldn't have imagined we'd be where we are today with the pandemic in full swing. That trip was good, it is always really nice to spend time with Red. We fall into living together pretty well, so it is easy to visit, and it really does feel like I never really left from my last visit, every time. Even with months and months in between. My visit ended up being between both surgeries. I couldn't make it during a recovery time or be there for the surgery, because of my work schedule. I was excited to see how well he was doing after the first, although he lost so much weight, it was a little scary. He just couldn't eat. Before his first surgery he had to get some dental work done because they wanted to be extra sure that there was no chance of any underlying infection anywhere. So it all just compounded and it took a toll on his body, he was so thin. We had a really quiet time, just staying home and not doing much since he was healing still.

Green and I had all kinds of plans for the year for the kids, I was making really good money over the winter, working a lot of overtime. We were able to pay down some bills and had extra money to spend on the kids. We took the kids out to a net/climbing park and to a go-cart/trampoline park, we got some history visits in to historical places. And then the pandemic began. My work shut down fairly quickly, being one of the first states to really get scared of what was happening in NYC. But while most people were able to turn to unemployment, I wasn't sure if I had worked in the state long enough to apply. So it took a month and I finally applied and then took another month before I received my first unemployment check. Thankfully, we had money saved up. And while we were lucky Green was still earning a check, it was a really interesting time trying to navigate the unknowns of the pandemic, in a little apartment so far from our home, and without the resources that I knew we had there. I'm not a full fledged prepper, but I usually have enough to get us by for a month or two on stored goods. In our apartment I just didn't have space for it. Not to mention space... wow, I didn't realize how much we really relied on getting out of the house, to make living with 3 teens and two adults work, in such a little apartment. We tried to get out to the trails and do some hiking, but by June it seemed like every place we tried to go, was just packed with people. In July when the pandemic calmed down a bit my Oldest went to work on my parents farm. August was coming and we had a trip scheduled for Green and I to head out to WA to begin his retirement process and get an idea of the state of our house that our renter was living in. So the plan was for our other two kids to go down to the farm too. We were getting some mixed messaged about travel and weren't sure if Green could travel. So we sent the other two kids to the farm, the time for the trip came and it ended up just being me going out to WA on my own. Green stayed back and since he couldn't travel did not take vacation time and just kept working. So with all kids safe and socially distancing on 50 acres of busy land that still needed to be worked, I got in my car and plans continued to change as I drove across the country.

Because I travel a lot and driving is my main form of transportation, I don't mind sleeping in my car and napping my way across the country. I can usually do the trip in 4-5 days. When I got to WA, plans changed so much. We had a leak in our roof on the house, we had to have a very large tree taken down next to the house, and my renter informed us that he would be moving by the end of the year. Our renter moving out 7 months early set a whole other set of plans rolling. I spent two weeks visiting home in WA, working on repairs and taking stock of what I needed to do to move back early. And of course I visited with Red. He kind of helped me stay in reality, while my anxiety shot through the roof. All while dealing with the effects of the pandemic, unfortunately with things closed and people more weary, everything seemed to take more time than expected to get anything done. By the end of the two weeks, I spent the last few days with Red and calmed down. The changes meant I was leaving my car at my house, taking a train back across the country, and while work would be starting back up for me, I would be submitting my intent to quit at the end of Oct. All of this, every aspect from the beginning of the pandemic, this trip, and the impending move, meant that every dime I had put into savings (to buy a little cabin for our property... the first time we've ever been able to actually save a good chunk of money with a purpose) was going to be spent on these changes. I have to say, between Red and Green's support, I think I did alright dealing with it all.

So Red took me to the train and we said our goodbyes, knowing that in a few short months I would be back for good, but not knowing what that would look like in the midst of a pandemic. The train ride back was in a way something that kind of allowed me the time to sit and think, I didn't have much else to do. The train ride across the country took anywhere from 78-106 hours, depending on the trip I chose. I ended up getting a sleeper room, because of the pandemic, which costs a pretty penny (in the grand scheme of things, for the average person to travel across the country by car, getting hotel rooms, and eating three meals a day, the costs kind of average out between choosing train or car, same with time. But because I don't eat like a normal person when I travel by car and don't get hotel rooms, it was quite a bit more money for me). But it was worth it. I arrived back on the east coast refreshed and ready to start planning the last quarter of the year.
Continued from the last post...

First, the kids were going to stay at the farm, while the pandemic played out. Second I returned to work, but with a lot of hesitancy, turns out there was a lot of up and downs with public school returning where Green and I lived. I turned down overtime. While I needed the money, I was intent on trying to put my safety first, in order to make it through the rest of the plans. Green and I had some us time, in between it all, which was really good. The kids always enjoy the farm, so they were happy. And October came. My last day of work arrived and it was kind of bitter sweet. I had started there in 2019 telling them I'd be working until the summer of 2021, so I was feeling a little down about leaving early, they had nothing but praise for me and all those I worked with said they understood and I would be greatly missed. I planned out a few weeks of self quarantine, just to be extra cautious before the trip.

Green and I have spent so much time apart during our marriage, that it almost seemed natural that it was time for one of us to go away for months on end. It was just different because it was me and not him, so while I packed, I procrastinated a lot. To the point that Green was like, um, so... are you taking anything? But eventually I did pack up and we said our goodbyes. I went to the farm and spent a few weeks there with family and the kids. I had to get a Penske truck for the next leg of the journey, because while a lot of our stuff was at our apartment, and I brought what I needed from there, we had a ton of stuff stored at my family's farm. It wasn't all specifically mine or the kid's. My mom had moved in with my brother, when the kids and I moved from the farm to the new apartment with Green. The plan was that when we moved back home, we would take it all in one swoop along with our stuff in the apartment, and bring everything back home to WA. She eventually wants to spend half of the year with my brother and half of the year with us. So she had decided to split up all of her belongings, basically giving me anything of hers left at the farm. So, we packed it all up. Then we set off on the road.

Since we couldn't make it a pre-pandemic trip we ended up with a plan to slowly travel across the country visiting cemeteries of my ancestors on my mom's side. One of my hobbies is genealogy. One of the ways I spent my time procrastinating on packing for the trip was to locate as many Great Grandparents graves across the country that I could, in the general vicinity of the route we would be taking. So my mom and two of my teens, 3 cats and a dog, all left on the trip with me. As we meandered from graveyard to graveyard between MO (where the first set of grandparents were buried) and SD, we bought groceries at grocery stores and stayed at hotels, trying to minimize how much contact we had with anyone else. We didn't visit any other sights or really come into contact with many other people, beyond the gas stations and potty breaks. It was the most unusual trip, but we made it work. My mom really wanted to come out to help get the house sorted after my renter moved out. She and my oldest drove back 2 weeks later. So that was Mid Nov, that they left.

I keep kicking myself because that would have been the perfect time to tell my mom about Red. After all, after the first of the new year Red and I will quickly be approaching 3 years of navigating our relationship. But since Red really still isn't sure what to do about us, I haven't told my family. He still is unsure of how he will feel once Green is back. He is very afraid of being considered someone who is breaking up a family (from my family or from outside people, I'm not sure. He knows Green is completely supportive of he (Red) and I.), while at the same time he loves dreaming up plans for the whole family to do together, he wants to do things with Green and the Kids and I, he dreams up trips we can all do together. He is afraid of my kids feeling resentment towards me or him, when I finally do tell them about our relationship (even though I feel like, with how they've been raised, it will be a non issue, once we get through all their questions. They have been raised in a very pro LGBTQ+ house, and we have discussed various different relationship types, they are aware they exist, and they are very accepting of every one no matter how different). While he has no jealousy of Green, and Green and he have talked about me, and we've all spent time together; I think it is a deep fear of being able to trust that our relationship IS in fact OK. The end goal he dreamed for himself as far as relationships go, never put him having to share someone, so he is unsure what that would look like when we all live in the same area again. Which is funny, because he highly values his alone time, he doesn't like being held to the societies norms of being attached to a mobile device where he has to respond to things immediately, he doesn't like his stuff being moved or messed with (which leads to some hilarious times looking back at when he asked me to help him clean up his place and move things around. He still asks me where things are) and what we have seems to perfectly mesh with his life. He still has the mindset that he will find someone who will want to settle down and live with him. I've always told him, that when he finds that person, while I'll still be here as his best friend I will be happy to see him in his ideal relationship if that is what he chooses. So while I still very much consider him a partner (because he is in every sense of the word to me), he still isn't sure if he just wants to be my best friend or what he wants. But he still very much does not want anything to change either. So we live in this weird indecisiveness, on his end of things. I have really struggled with not telling my family lately, because I do love him so much and I want to be able to include him in family discussions and such (I also struggle with my own fears of awkward conversations about coming out to my family, but for some reason I've been feeling a strong pull to tell them about him lately. Green is on the fence about me telling my family, mainly he knows that his family will have nothing nice to say about it, but our families rarely communicate, so he is indifferent about my family knowing.). But Red had asked me not to tell my family about him, the last time I said I was going to tell them. But I think he also uses that as a bit of an out for him. Since they don't know, then he doesn't have to decide what his actual title is. On the flip side he has also mentioned that he wants TO be able to tell people about his relationship with me, just this week I finally told him to tell people. I reminded him that Green was retiring soon, his notice is in, and he is headed out the door, and since Green isn't actively with anyone else, it shouldn't effect him anyways if the wrong people find out, because it is just me who has a relationship with someone else, not Green. I told Red, to tell who he wants to tell, and to tell me I can tell my family about him and then we can leave all of the rest of it to the future; what happens, happens. Whether we continue on as partners or whether we just become friends, we should just be happy to have each other now.

Anyways, so all of that left me not telling my Mom.

I've seen Red a total of 3 times since I've been back, since November. Mainly because of the upswing in Covid cases here. He is afraid of getting it and passing it on to me and my youngest teen who is now living out here with me. My youngest has asthma. Red's job puts him in contact with the public, so while he takes all precautions at work, and he doesn't hang out with anyone outside of work, he gets worried he could unknowingly catch it from work. Since I've been home, my contact with the outside world, comes down to picking up ordered groceries and I had to take my car to the dealership and had to wait for it to be looked at by the service department once, so for the most part I'm pretty positive I made it across the country without contact with the virus. So I went and chatted with him once, and then spent the afternoon with him on Christmas day and then again just the other day. We both finally broke down Christmas Eve over the phone and decided that we needed to see each other on Christmas, we both needed that.

Green spent Christmas alone, but our two other kids were taken back up to the apartment by my Dad two days after Christmas. They will be staying with him until he retires. Then my daughter and he will be making their trip home (here) before summer. My oldest, who will be 18 in March, has decided to stay at the family farm. Which I guess is a good stepping stone for him becoming an adult, but it will be weird that he won't be coming back home with Green and my daughter.

So not only am I on the flip side of the coin now, across the country from Green (and two of my kids), instead of Red. I am trying to navigate the world of whether I have to socially distance from Red, or if he can be in my bubble. I'm dealing with a house that needs work, and is a mess because I have twice as much to fit in it. I'm trying to navigate how to live with one kid, I'm so used to having all three around all the time, it is seriously weird having just the one (who also values his alone time, so the house is extra quiet). But I'm also facing my oldest leaving the nest, and he won't even be returning home with Green, so it's like he's already left. And I'm dealing with the constant uncertainty of whether Red will want to continue being my partner next summer once Green returns... but we are already talking about plans on what to do for Reds birthday (brought up by him) so maybe nothing will change at all, since Red's birthday is after Green and my daughter return home. Who know's it all is weird.
So I've been in a rut.

I kind of glossed over returning home, so I'll start there.

The trip across the country took a little over 10 days. It was fun, interesting, and a good break, but I think by the time we got here we were all ready to get off the road. Then of course we had to unpack the Penske. I'm still amazed we packed so much stuff in a 16 foot truck. I guess that is what we get, when we have a family of travelers that have constantly had to pack and unpack and repack things our whole life. We rock at Tetris.

So one of the reasons Green and I bought our place 5 years ago, was because it has a huge barn on it. That is where we unloaded the truck. Mainly because my renter kept pushing the date he was leaving out. Originally the plan was that he would be gone within a few days of our arrival. Just enough time to make sure electric and internet were switched over, and to make sure there were no big issues that needed addressing. Which is part of the reason my Mom came out; to help clean the house.

My renter only rented two rooms in the house, but since Green and I were rarely here, it was like he was renting the whole house which we left mostly furnished. My house originally being only a 3 bedroom, Green and I had put up a wall of book cases and created a 4th bedroom. So my kids slept in that bedroom, and my mom and I slept in my bedroom (which was always off limits to my renter, I had the door locked while I was away).

My renter eventually, and finally, moved out. 2 weeks after we arrived. It was the longest two weeks ever, and my Mom and my oldest son got back on the road back to the family farm, two days before my renter left. So most of our plans were shot. While my Mom and I did decide we would start cleaning the main areas of the house and getting all that back in order, it just felt like I lost some valuable time of getting the bedrooms back in order and such before my Mom left.

To add to all the stress, my renter was in and out of the house visiting all sorts of friends during that two weeks. I don't know if he had a covid bubble with these people, or what other precautions others were taking, but it really was a bit of an uneasy time for me. Especially because the whole reason I wasn't visiting with Red was because of the concerns about Covid. Red is concerned about his work with the public, and here I am having made it across the country and my renter is taking his sweet time leaving, visiting all of his friends, and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. So Thanks Giving came and went, and finally he was gone.

The day he left I got to work on the house, re-cleaned the two bedrooms and moved furniture in and out of the house and got my son's bedroom set up before my son even woke up that day. He was sleeping in late. Needless to say I was exhausted, but I had to get all that pent up energy out.

Over the course of the next week I got a lot done, got my house looking back to normal, managed to clear out some of the stuff from the barn, but haven't even touched the things of mine that have been in storage for the last 3 years in the loft of my barn. Which means, my house is filling up with my mom's stuff and I still have more stuff to go through and bring in. This was all supposed to happen with a new Cabin on the property to move some of the stuff into, but since my saving went into this huge change in plans, I have way too much stuff on my hands.

I think part of the reason I may have burnt myself out over the course of the next few weeks was because I was not only trying to get my house and property back into order, but I was also trying to stay distracted during the adjustment phase of being across the country from Green and even though I'm so close to Red, I can't see him because of something out of our control. Lots of stuff became frustrating. All my small engine items (weed eater, chainsaw, lawnmower) aren't working, I can't get them started after doing tune ups and what not, which puts a damper on other things that need to get done. And the house just has a lot of little things that need fixing. It became daunting to realize I was the only one here to fix it all. Like my roof leaking at my wood stove exhaust pipe, which was just replaced 2 years ago. My wood pile was not replenished, as it was used, so going into winter on an extremely tight budget, I really need my chainsaw to work so my electric bill doesn't skyrocket.

Then... I found my well was leaking (for who knows how long) so that was stressful. Where my well cap is, the area was so overgrown that I couldn't see it, but one night I heard water running, and while I have a creek on my property, it is clear on the other side of my property. So the next day I pushed through the bramble and overgrowth to find a significant leak. Since my weed eater was not working, I cleared it all with hand tools and promptly called my dad (because he has the most experience with wells), he walked me through a bunch of things that could be wrong and we decided that it was indeed only a leak at my well cap pipe, so I called Green and asked him to make some calls to get it repaired while I continued clearing the brush and getting 3 years of stuff moved that had mysteriously collected behind the building that holds my well's pressure tank. Thankfully after calling multiple companies, Green was able to get a local company to come out sometime in the next two days. I shut the water off, because without knowing how long it had been leaking I didn't know the extent of the damage or how much water my well had pumped out. I really should have put more thought into how much water I needed during that two days, but I made it all work in the end.

I'm sure I'm missing some things, but needless to say as Christmas approached I was getting less and less of a Christmas spirit. So after my well was fixed, I kind of lost steam to do anything. So for a few days before Christmas I did nothing, besides feed myself and my son and download movies to watch. Which I forgot exactly how sucky the internet is out here, after being spoiled by the internet in the city at the apartment with Green. I can not stream anything here, heck my browser barely wants to load anything. Which didn't help with overwhelming feeling of being burnt out.

So I was hoping, when Red and I finally caved and had a visit on Christmas Day, that I would suddenly bounce out of this rut I am in. And I haven't, if anything it really makes me miss Red and Green both, even more. There is just So. Much. To. Do. still, and I'm feeling defeated by every problem that pops up now.
My car's engine light came on shortly before Christmas, which adds to the stress. This year alone I've spent way too much money on car repairs. Which is fine, I've put a ton of mileage on the car in the last three years, so it is to be expected, but... right now isn't a good time. I have another vehicle here, it has been parked over the last three years, every time I visited I would start it up and drive it while I was in town, but it's 30 years old now (god that makes me feel So old) and it has it's own problems, so much so that when I started it up and drove it down my road when I got here in Nov. It died once I parked it back in the driveway and hasn't started back up since... So my fall back, for car issues, is no longer an option. So when my engine light came on I took it to the dealership to figure out what the problem was. Its an intake manifold. I took my repair quote and walked out of the dealership and drove away, really upset with how much they want, to fix it. Upset, because it is my only vehicle, and I live so far out from town and money is so tight already with all the changes. So every time I drive the car now, I'm super stressed, because at any moment it could go into 'limp mode' which apparently is a VW thing, or at least it is on my VW, where it basically gives you enough power to get off the road and not cause even more damage. This is what it did to me earlier this year when the whole dash lit up and I had to replace my rear main seal and timing chain and other things. So I'm super hesitant to drive anywhere, even to pick up groceries, because it is a half hour into town, on back roads with very little cell signal.

On top of all the house stuff, and covid, my car issues aren't helping. While I am so much closer to Red now, without a car, I'm basically a whole country away still, and with his work schedule he has very little ability to visit me, besides he is also having car issues. AND... Green is having car issues. The only reliably working vehicle we own, is at the family farm, because we bought it for my son, and when my Dad brought the kids up to Green, my son didn't bring up his vehicle (my oldest son will be returning to the farm when Green retires), because he can only drive alone or with another adult and not with his sister at this time, so there was little reason to have two cars with Green... except now, this would be a fantastic reason for Green to have an extra car.

So anyways, I have to keep reminding myself that being here and dealing with all of this is still better than my house sitting empty and worrying about it all without being able to do anything. I'll get through it, its all just a bit harder at the moment than I was prepared for. I still have Green and Red just a phone call away, to talk to. At one time, I was used to being out here in the middle of nowhere with notoriously bad internet and notoriously lousy cell signal, and at one time I loved it and enjoyed my house so much, but right now.... It is kind of bumming me out. I'm just overwhelmed.

Sorry, not much talk about my polyamory life here, just about life in general.
I'm sorry everything is going wrong at once 😟
I'm sorry everything is going wrong at once 😟
Thanks Evie, it's been a few stressful weeks. Hopefully things will start getting better as soon as I can get out of my funk. I appreciate your comment.