I'm not one to journal, but I find my self needing to write sometimes. Maybe this will be a good place to start. I've made a few posts, but lurk a lot here, as I move through life.
My partner is, Red. We've been together for now about a year and a half. Together is a rather loose term, but maybe I'll get around to explaining it better as I post.
My husband of 15 years is, Green. We have 3 kids, now almost all teenagers, and we've navigated Poly for a few years now. We are a rather typical story here, where we have been monogamous and decided to open up.
In other posts I've explained a little bit. My husband comes from a southern christian-ish family who probably will never understand, so we don't talk to them about any of it and are in the closet so to speak. My partner's family knows he has 'fallen into' this weird relationship, and they deal with it with a lot of caution. My family is pretty understanding of unusual circumstances but at this time don't know we are poly. My husband works in a job where it is best they don't know about his outside life, beyond our marriage. I homeschool our kids; we are secular, sex-positive, science based, history focused, and inclusive - but we haven't talked to them about our poly life; yet. We are waiting until my husband retires to really talk about it all.
So a little about my up bringing. I was born to two military parents, shortly after they divorced. My brother and I were lucky to have parents who wanted to make a life for us that involved both of them, well as much as they could since they were both active duty. We bounced around between them depending on who was where, etc. My dad remarried when I was young, he retired when I was in my teens. a few years later my mom was also out of the military, but due to some circumstances ended up living with my Dad and my Stepmom and I. Since then they have basically shared a home, or lived on properties owned by each other but lived separately. My brother, years ago was in a poly relationship that went south after some time. He is now married but I have a feeling still in some sort of alternative relationship style. We don't talk often, I would say because of the age difference, but now that I'm with Red I can say I'm not sure age is actually the factor. I think we are both really just private people, and we grew up in a family where no-news was good news.
So the last time I posted I discussed how Green lives in one state on the east coast, I lived in another state on the east coast, and Red lives in the PNW near where Green and I own a home. I lived on my parents farm with my kids while we were trying to get finances straightened out for a work move we were only marginally prepared for. Where I lived was a 50 acre farm that was shared by my parents, my uncle, and myself and my kids. We lived in a combination of cabins and a farm house. To my parents, this was great, it was what they always wanted, everyone on the farm or at least close by; my brother and his family lived an hour away. It worked great for us for a year, but my kids needed their dad and I needed my privacy, finances settled and now we have left and are living with Green again.
Green and I just visited the PNW on a planned trip where we were going to spend it with Red, but as I had explained in my last post, Red has some reservations (for various reasons) about actually being poly and in the end declined our invitation to a weekend at a hotel we all wanted to visit. He did however pick us up from the airport, spent the day with us. I visited with him alone for a day. And then Green and I stayed the night at his place the night before we left, because it was an easy solution to getting back to the airport the next day. All in all the trip was a lot of fun, not how we planned but to make it comfortable for all we did what felt right for everyone.
So Red's reservations. If I had to pinpoint it, I think he just never thought he'd be in this type of relationship. He is a great example of someone who has so far lived his life to the fullest. He worked in the music industry when he was younger and the brewing industry as he got older. The only thing is that I think because he was always on the go he never found 'the one' he was always looking for. Living a single life till 50 he has said he is set in his ways. He is very accepting of those around him, but he is a unique personality. We met when I was working at a bar, a year later we hung out one night and things just clicked. Since then he is unsure of what to consider me as. He wants to say I'm his partner, but since we met and a few months later, I moved away. He goes back and forth. He isn't sure he can live a poly life when we move back, because he isn't sure he can share me, he doesn't know how it will work. He has said that us living apart is a convenient way of being poly, because I'm not there all the time, so it doesn't bother him that I'm also married. He has met with Green, we've gone camping, we've gone out together, Green and Red have talked about this life and me, we've done 3 way video chats when I'm with Green or when I'm visiting Red. It all looks like it is working, but in his mind he has one foot in the water and one on land. He has made it clear he doesn't want to loose me, but he isn't sure I am his to have. So... we just go with what feels right. I have told him, that I want him to be happy above all and if that means he is happy without me then that is fine, I will adjust, or if he is happier with us just as friends, then I will adjust. Some days we plan the future, some days we contemplate just friendship, when we are together, being together feels right.
Green and I opened up after years of contemplation on my end. I was a teen when my brother was in a poly relationship. So the understanding was there. When I was young I couldn't understand why those in the movies couldn't just make those love triangles work, especially when they were all friends. I was always rooting for the happy ending of everyone just being happy, but that never happened. I was previously married and divorced with a child and I met Green. He was everything every other person I dated wasn't, mostly I was able to be me. Two more kids later, and ups and downs of a life living in a demanding job time wise and stress wise and moving often. I finally started talking about how poly seemed ideal to me. We would watch what few shows were available, talk about things, but never anything seriously. A handful of years later, we started talking about things seriously. A few years ago I met a few people over time, and then I met Red.
Since then Green has had one relationship. It seemed to be going well, but there were some bumps in the road and it ended. It was odd for me to finally be in the position of watching him finally finding someone too. I tried hard to be positive about his relationship, but on my end our personalities (Green's girlfriend and I ) didn't match, she was nice, we had dinner together a few times, but I was good with parallel poly and I did my best to give him room and time to explore. Ultimately it was a time issue for her, with Green and I having 3 kids and us moving up to live with him again, it lessened their time and she decided it wasn't enough for her. I feel bad for Green, I want him to be happy and have his relationships too. Ultimately he is cautious because of work, and he really enjoys moving slowly because its important to him to learn about people and let a relationship develop, before jumping into bed. It seems though that most people he comes across already in this life move fast and are very sex focused, and those not in this life, well, they aren't poly. So for now, our relationship currently looks more like a mono-poly one.
Green is very positive about Red and I, he did struggle at first, for about the first 6 months of my relationship with Red (only when I would spend time alone with him), but now he sees what our relationship is actually like and I know a lot of his jealousy has gone away. I do feel guilty sometimes though because I do have Red. However when we are all together, to me, it really feels right. Like I could see a future of when we move back, Red living with us.
I guess we will just have to see what happens over the next few years. I think that's why I wanted to write about it. I'll write more soon, once I reread over this and gather more thoughts.
My partner is, Red. We've been together for now about a year and a half. Together is a rather loose term, but maybe I'll get around to explaining it better as I post.
My husband of 15 years is, Green. We have 3 kids, now almost all teenagers, and we've navigated Poly for a few years now. We are a rather typical story here, where we have been monogamous and decided to open up.
In other posts I've explained a little bit. My husband comes from a southern christian-ish family who probably will never understand, so we don't talk to them about any of it and are in the closet so to speak. My partner's family knows he has 'fallen into' this weird relationship, and they deal with it with a lot of caution. My family is pretty understanding of unusual circumstances but at this time don't know we are poly. My husband works in a job where it is best they don't know about his outside life, beyond our marriage. I homeschool our kids; we are secular, sex-positive, science based, history focused, and inclusive - but we haven't talked to them about our poly life; yet. We are waiting until my husband retires to really talk about it all.
So a little about my up bringing. I was born to two military parents, shortly after they divorced. My brother and I were lucky to have parents who wanted to make a life for us that involved both of them, well as much as they could since they were both active duty. We bounced around between them depending on who was where, etc. My dad remarried when I was young, he retired when I was in my teens. a few years later my mom was also out of the military, but due to some circumstances ended up living with my Dad and my Stepmom and I. Since then they have basically shared a home, or lived on properties owned by each other but lived separately. My brother, years ago was in a poly relationship that went south after some time. He is now married but I have a feeling still in some sort of alternative relationship style. We don't talk often, I would say because of the age difference, but now that I'm with Red I can say I'm not sure age is actually the factor. I think we are both really just private people, and we grew up in a family where no-news was good news.
So the last time I posted I discussed how Green lives in one state on the east coast, I lived in another state on the east coast, and Red lives in the PNW near where Green and I own a home. I lived on my parents farm with my kids while we were trying to get finances straightened out for a work move we were only marginally prepared for. Where I lived was a 50 acre farm that was shared by my parents, my uncle, and myself and my kids. We lived in a combination of cabins and a farm house. To my parents, this was great, it was what they always wanted, everyone on the farm or at least close by; my brother and his family lived an hour away. It worked great for us for a year, but my kids needed their dad and I needed my privacy, finances settled and now we have left and are living with Green again.
Green and I just visited the PNW on a planned trip where we were going to spend it with Red, but as I had explained in my last post, Red has some reservations (for various reasons) about actually being poly and in the end declined our invitation to a weekend at a hotel we all wanted to visit. He did however pick us up from the airport, spent the day with us. I visited with him alone for a day. And then Green and I stayed the night at his place the night before we left, because it was an easy solution to getting back to the airport the next day. All in all the trip was a lot of fun, not how we planned but to make it comfortable for all we did what felt right for everyone.
So Red's reservations. If I had to pinpoint it, I think he just never thought he'd be in this type of relationship. He is a great example of someone who has so far lived his life to the fullest. He worked in the music industry when he was younger and the brewing industry as he got older. The only thing is that I think because he was always on the go he never found 'the one' he was always looking for. Living a single life till 50 he has said he is set in his ways. He is very accepting of those around him, but he is a unique personality. We met when I was working at a bar, a year later we hung out one night and things just clicked. Since then he is unsure of what to consider me as. He wants to say I'm his partner, but since we met and a few months later, I moved away. He goes back and forth. He isn't sure he can live a poly life when we move back, because he isn't sure he can share me, he doesn't know how it will work. He has said that us living apart is a convenient way of being poly, because I'm not there all the time, so it doesn't bother him that I'm also married. He has met with Green, we've gone camping, we've gone out together, Green and Red have talked about this life and me, we've done 3 way video chats when I'm with Green or when I'm visiting Red. It all looks like it is working, but in his mind he has one foot in the water and one on land. He has made it clear he doesn't want to loose me, but he isn't sure I am his to have. So... we just go with what feels right. I have told him, that I want him to be happy above all and if that means he is happy without me then that is fine, I will adjust, or if he is happier with us just as friends, then I will adjust. Some days we plan the future, some days we contemplate just friendship, when we are together, being together feels right.
Green and I opened up after years of contemplation on my end. I was a teen when my brother was in a poly relationship. So the understanding was there. When I was young I couldn't understand why those in the movies couldn't just make those love triangles work, especially when they were all friends. I was always rooting for the happy ending of everyone just being happy, but that never happened. I was previously married and divorced with a child and I met Green. He was everything every other person I dated wasn't, mostly I was able to be me. Two more kids later, and ups and downs of a life living in a demanding job time wise and stress wise and moving often. I finally started talking about how poly seemed ideal to me. We would watch what few shows were available, talk about things, but never anything seriously. A handful of years later, we started talking about things seriously. A few years ago I met a few people over time, and then I met Red.
Since then Green has had one relationship. It seemed to be going well, but there were some bumps in the road and it ended. It was odd for me to finally be in the position of watching him finally finding someone too. I tried hard to be positive about his relationship, but on my end our personalities (Green's girlfriend and I ) didn't match, she was nice, we had dinner together a few times, but I was good with parallel poly and I did my best to give him room and time to explore. Ultimately it was a time issue for her, with Green and I having 3 kids and us moving up to live with him again, it lessened their time and she decided it wasn't enough for her. I feel bad for Green, I want him to be happy and have his relationships too. Ultimately he is cautious because of work, and he really enjoys moving slowly because its important to him to learn about people and let a relationship develop, before jumping into bed. It seems though that most people he comes across already in this life move fast and are very sex focused, and those not in this life, well, they aren't poly. So for now, our relationship currently looks more like a mono-poly one.
Green is very positive about Red and I, he did struggle at first, for about the first 6 months of my relationship with Red (only when I would spend time alone with him), but now he sees what our relationship is actually like and I know a lot of his jealousy has gone away. I do feel guilty sometimes though because I do have Red. However when we are all together, to me, it really feels right. Like I could see a future of when we move back, Red living with us.
I guess we will just have to see what happens over the next few years. I think that's why I wanted to write about it. I'll write more soon, once I reread over this and gather more thoughts.
I don't tend to want to have sex with people I don't like as people - no hookups here - but I also couldn't do any sort of long term romantic connection without sex and the intimacy OF sex opens the door for emotional intimacy to follow. I've talked to a few other people like that as well.
