My long poly journey and life in general


Well this escalated quickly. I was going to leave this be, but I need to be honest with myself and anyone who is reading this, in case they need to read it. The boundary crossing that I'm referring to is sexual assault. In the context of a marriage.

Husband moves between hypomanic and depressed. He had been in a hypomanic mood a couple of months ago, which always puts me on edge. Sometimes he gets hypersexual and loses judgement. One early morning I woke up to him inside of me, just finishing. I was so shocked. I didn't know how to feel, especially after he hugged me and said he loved me after that. And then he said, "Wow you were really tired, did you sleep through the whole thing?" I held my thoughts all day, and then told him that evening that it was not okay to do that-- to have sex while I was sleeping, to be sexual in any way. I was not awake and could not consent or participate. If he wants to wake me up and ask to have sex, I'm fine with that. But *wake me up* and *ask.*I told him some people would consider this assault. He first said he didn't mean to penetrate me, it "just happened." I told him it doesn't matter. He apologized and said he would not do it again.

The boundary crossing that I mention-- he did it again. I woke up in pain because he was grinding his naked "member" against my naked backside, and I was chafed and raw. I was shocked. I felt nauseated. I took my pillow and went to another bedroom. The next morning I told him he had assaulted me. He said he was "just trying to wake" me up. I told him what about foreplay? What about kissing or saying my name? He said he did all that and I didn't wake up. I told him, then you should have stopped at that point. He apologized. We separated to different rooms. I thought I was okay, but I was not okay.

We had the joint therapy session and I recounted what happened, both times. I started to have flashbacks as I was talking, and the counselor told husband what he did was wrong. He suggested I needed some separate trauma therapy. I went out of that appt and wrapped up my day, but that night I was so disturbed. I was with my poly partner that night and he could sense I was tense and agitated. We watched TV and went to bed. At one point he spooned me and I had a flashback to husband grinding on me. Yesterday (the next day) I was once again feeling nauseated, anxious, having flashbacks. I told husband that we need to not be together anymore. I don't feel safe. Either he leaves or I leave. I offered to stay in a hotel or have him stay in one. He chose to go to his parents. He continues to minimize what happened. I told him we will have a very fair divorce and he agreed to this. I told him I would be watching closely for signs of him crossing boundaries with our child and would not hesitate to call the police. I think that's when he finally got serious and started to listen.

I have no regrets. I have no regrets about meeting him, falling in love, having some great years together, having a child together. I am sad that mental illness stole our future together. But, I can't manage his illness anymore when it's directly hurting me. He is on meds, he gets therapy. The mental illness is still winning.

I then called poly partner and told him everything. I told him I know this is not at all what he signed up for, and I don't blame him one bit if he wants to exit the situation. He said he loves me, and we'll let the dust settle and just take it day by day.

So that's the end of my journal for now.

Sexual attention without consent is never okay. And you can't consent when you are not awake.
I can say I am sorry you went through that, but those words do not suffice. How terrible. How awful that he's still downplaying it as if it didn't matter, saying "It just happened," not taking responsibility or acknowledging it was assault. It is truly nauseating. I feel that.

He is truly sick if he could do that despite being on meds and in therapy. Twice! I am glad you are going to physically separate. Ugh.