My lovely is hurting, and they're withdrawing from me.

[PixieKitten]

So relationships come, and relationships go. I'm now in a situation where my lovely has just been hurt really badly by someone they were seeing. My lovely has withdrawn, which I understand, because it's perfectly natural to want to build walls to protect yourself when you've been deeply hurt. But this leaves me in a position where I'm currently on the outside, and I'm torn. I want to just wrap them up and love them and try to give them something to help make the pain less. But they have withdrawn from me - they're not really talking to me, but I can see be how they are in general that they are hurting badly. It's hurting me seeing them go through this, they don't seem to want me there as support. I've stepped back to give them space, while letting them know that I am there when they are ready... but it's knocking me emotionally, and I'm finding it hard that they are not really reaching out for me when they're in so much pain. Advice on how to deal would be cool, though I think I'm probably just more venting my own hurt in this post. Thanks for reading.

 

[bookbug]

I have been in a similar situation to what you describe.

First off, I totally understand your desire to draw her (him?) to you and give comfort. Problem is, you are not the person that caused the hurt. That's the real bitch about people not being interchangeable. No matter how much love you give, it is your love and does not replace the love that was lost.

Secondly, your love is using every bit of energy processing the hurt. So much so that s/he has none to spare for even accepting your comfort.

In my case, the Philosopher is coming up on two years post separation and eventual divorce from his wife of 15 years. I am just now being asked inside the wall from time to time.

 

[Magdlyn]

How long has it been since the hurt? Is it a breakup? Sometimes the best way we can help is to give people space. Keep venting here. Now you are being hurt by not being allowed to help by touch and words. But try not to add to their hurt by sulking because they don't want to snuggle and talk.

Make your partner a nice nest, provide things they need, food or tea or whatever, then let them be. Love languages are different. If they need space and quiet to heal, you are helping them by providing that. It may not be your love language to avoid touch and words, but it sounds like this should be about your partner's love language right now.

I hope they heal quickly, but they probably won't.

 

[Candiedlove]

It's hard. Just be there for them and it'll work out. Really

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PixieKitten,

Sorry you are hurting right now. You are probably feeling alone and unwanted. You have to give your lovely some space and let them work out the first parts of it.

How long has it been since they were hurt by this person? Sometimes people have to go through a grieving process and it takes quite awhile. If it's been six months to a year and no change or improvement, I guess I'd start to worry. Could your lovely go and see a counselor, possibly get a prescription to help them through this time?

What can we do to help you? Does venting help?

With concern,
Kevin T.