My Partner and I like the same person

[morekawaiithanu]

So, a new girl joined our group (friendship group of LGBTQI+ people) and I thought she was really cute and I developed a crush on her. I told my girlfriend about her and how much I liked her. My girlfriend thought it was cute and said it was okay if I wanted to pursue some form of relationship with her.

Then, we all went out on Friday night just passed and took some things and by the end of the night, myself, my girlfriend and her were all kissing and hugging and dancing with each other. I was already coming down from my high, whilst they were still high. I offered that we all go back to my place. I ended up going to bed because I was tired, but they went into my lounge room to talk and they made out and stuff. They then both came back into my room and spooned in my bed. A few hours later, after the other girl had left, I asked my girlfriend what happened and etc and she told me that she liked the girl. I felt pretty insecure because I know my girlfriend is such a wonderful person and I feel that this girl likes her back. I've talked about it with my girlfriend and I know that I can't control who a people like, because that's just manipulative and wrong. I guess I feel a bit stabbed in the back.

I've yet to tell this girl how I feel and I do want to talk to my girlfriend about it before I do, because want to make sure it's okay with her.

I guess I feel a bit all over the place about it. Is it valid for me to be feeling how I am feeling?

 

[Tinwen]

Hello,
you might have a good situation at hands, but there's certainly a ton of reasons for confusion.

First, did you talk with your gf about polyamory before? What was the status of your relationship?

Second, I understand you feeling betrayed, although there may be no betrayal happening. Feeling betrayed happens when an expectation of ours is broken - and we have to go back to that expectation and examine whether that's something we want to let go, or something that we want to ask from our partners in the future.
You expected that it's gonna be YOU who has fun with the new girl, and then it was your girlfriend. Maybe you held an expectation, that she's gonna give you priority, because it was your idea. Maybe you didn't expect things to progress that far, you expected your gf to ask before she makes out with someone alone. Maybe you expected your bed to be a space just for the two of you.
You will have to clarify all that with gf.

Third, you're now worried that new girl likes your gf more than you. That is entirely possible (although not yet clear at all). You'll have to see how you feel about that, and come to terms with the possibility.

Fourth, you will have to figure out with your gf about what relationship model you want to practice, and if poly, how, and what are the expectations. This will not be one conversation, rather a process. Take this slowly, and read some book (like Opening up, or The ethical slut), stay on here, and proceed with caution.

Fifth, the new girl probably likes you both, so why not figure out what form of relationship suits all three people here Maybe you have a cuddle date every now and then, maybe she'll be a friend with benefits to your gf and a friend to you - or the other way round, maybe if was just one night fun for her, or maybe you'll be a full blown poly triad. You can't know, but whatever happens, hopefully it's meaningful and fun

TAKE IT SLOWLY. (<- you can also show what I've written to your gf)
Why? You need a quality feedback loop to avoid the common pitfall of poly hell.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello morekawaiithanu,

It sounds like you were taken by surprise by the fact that your girlfriend liked this new girl. And maybe you are feeling a little bit betrayed, like you thought the new girl would be for you but now it seems that she's for your girlfriend. I think it is fine for you to be feeling how you're feeling, anyone in your shoes/situation would feel the same.

Can I ask, have you considered a poly solution? that is, what if the new girl was for both of you? Is that possible? If it could be, ask the new girl how she would feel about that. Ask your girlfriend how she would feel about that. And last but not least, ask yourself how you would feel about that. Would you feel insecure thinking the new girl would like your girlfriend better? How would you get past that?

Poly can often offer unexpected solutions to problems that would threaten a monogamous situation. Consider the poly solution to your problem -- and there may be more than one possible solution. But a triad is certainly one possible solution. You could have times where all three of you are cuddling together, and times where each dyad has some one-on-one time together.

I hope the three of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.