My partner of 8 years is poly, but am I?

[EmpressReese]

Hi everyone!

My name is Reese! I'm new to the world of polyamory, and I have a lot of questions. I've been in a complicated, on/off relationship with a boy (let's call him Cyrus), for 8 years now. We've been together since we were 14, and although things have been complicated in the past primarily due to mental health reasons, I love him unconditionally. We're currently in an open relationship.

About 8 months ago, I found out that Cyrus had taken a secret trip to meet a girl that he had met online. I was devastated. I had slowly been regaining trust in him following many years of mental-health-related lying and fighting. I felt like it was a complete betrayal of my trust, when I was already having a hard time regaining trust in him in the first place.

I got in contact with the girl he had gone to see, because she seemed totally enamored with him based on her blog, and I didn't want to see her get hurt in the same way that I had. She was initially devastated as well, because he's incredibly sweet and easy to trust, and she couldn't believe that there was so much she didn't know before he came to visit her. We bonded quickly, and actually hit it off really well despite the circumstances.

However, during the weeks and months following, things got more difficult. Cyrus found out that we were speaking, and although he didn't stop us, once he found out a lot of jealousy came between me and her. It was hard to trust the other and to trust him, and to not feel like either of us were "disposable" to him since he had the other. After a while me and her stopped talking, because there was way too much distrust to maintain any sort of healthy relationship. However, before a lot of the distrust had come in, me and her had discussed polyamarous relationships, and if the 3 of us would be capable of having one. When she brought it up to Cyrus as a possibility, who at this point had known he might be poly for over a year, he got nervous and completely discounted me to her instead of considering a triad relationship. He later apologized to both me and her for being dishonest about my and his relationship.

We stopped talking about 6 months ago, but last week began talking again. During that time Cyrus had been romantically involved with both of us, without me and her knowing of it. She is 5 hours away, so he has not seen her since the first time he met her, but he had been texting/calling/sending Christmas gifts during that time, without my knowledge, and while telling me that I was the only person he was involved with. She, likewise, was not aware that me and him were seeing each other daily during this time.

When her and I started talking last week, it was a pretty big (but slightly expected) shock to us both that we didn't realize the full extent that he was lying. She confronted him about it, and he came clean about absolutely everything. He fully explained his relationship with me, and told me of his relationship with her. And for the last week, he's been very open and honest about everything, and has been incredibly receptive to everything that we've both had to say. He knows that he's completely destroyed both of our trust in him, and he wants to earn it back, and seems to be taking the steps to do so.

But anyway, aside from my relationship with him, me and her actually have a lot of chemistry. From the second we started talking again, it was like we had never stopped. I have only ever been romantically interested in one other person, while also being romantically involved with Cyrus, but nothing ever came of it. So I'm not sure what to do. I believe myself to be monogamous, but also recognize that I am very romantically involved with Cyrus, but still have some level of feelings for her as well. And he (despite the lying about multiple relationships until this point) loves both of us dearly. I believe that she is in the same boat I am, about not knowing whether or not she's monogamous or poly since meeting me. We do discuss it occasionally, but the conversation is an overwhelming one that's taking a lot of time to unfold. What we did make a small breakthrough on in the last few days was that me and her are comfortable with one another, but would not want to get involved with anyone other than him and each other. I brought up very subtley with him and asked if he would theoretically abide by the wishes of his partner(s) if they did not want him to get involved with anyone else, and he said that he would and would always abide by his partners' feelings and wishes in a poly relationship.

While I haven't discussed with Cyrus having a triad relationship, I do believe that it could be a possibility in the future, depending on the comfort levels of her and I with each other, once we meet in person in the near future.

So, I guess.. now what? I have no idea whether I'm capable of a polyamarous relationship. I love him, and recognize that there is a lot of trust that would have to be regained in order for that to be a possibility at all.

I'm just not sure what to do. And I'm worried that if I were to eventually go into a poly relationship with him, if it were not to work out, we would never be able to have a monogamous relationship again. And what if he were to pick the other partner over me, if things didn't work out?

I feel so lost and confused, and incredibly scared for the future. When I imagine the future if I were to be in a poly relationship, I know for a fact that I would lose the support of most of my family. As would Cyrus. And on a side note, I may be capable of having a triad relationship where all 3 of us are involved, but I would definitely not be capable of being in a relationship with him while he had other girlfriends (so I'm not okay with V, but a triangle might be okay).

I'm so sorry for the ridiculously long post!!! Any help that anyone could provide would be appreciated. I've been reading a lot of stories and articles on the internet. Some have been helpful, and others have made me even more nervous for the future.

TLDR; My (potentially poly) boyfriend and I have an open relationship, and he went to meet someone 8 months ago without her and I knowing of each other. We found out and started talking, and may be developing feelings for one another. I love him, but I'm not sure how I feel about her yet, and I don't know that I'm capable of polyamory. What now?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Reese,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It seems to me that on some deep level, you do want a poly triad, in spite of the potential hazards. I guess in that sense you could say you're poly, but are afraid of being poly at the same time. I think the biggest obstacle here is Cyrus. He doesn't seem at all like an honest person. It's not just about being able to trust him again, he has gone beyond that, it's about whether he should be trusted again, ever. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Hopefully Polyamory.com can help you find the answers.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!

 

[vinsanity0]

Hi... you might want to post in the Poly Relationships section with a link to this. Not a lot of people will see this here. You are sure to get a lot of advice.

Let's see...your guy cheated on you. You found out. you and her became friends. you said it was okay for him to date her. He sort of made you seem not important to her.

Now he understands that he can see both of you. Have you told him you wouldn't do good in a V?

For what it's worth, I don't think you are being overly insecure. He hasn't done anything to make you feel secure. You are right to proceed with caution.

A lot of people will tell you that he's a cheater and can never be trusted. I see it a little differently. Some of us started out as serial monogamists. We were monogamous because that is what society expects. But we still found ourselves having feelings for others. NRE always makes that seem like a better deal. Maybe he is like that. Being able to open up is, IMO, a cure for that.

So maybe he can be in this relationship. The only way to find out is by communicating. Playing the game of "what if I say the wrong thing and he leaves" is not good. Either you are compatible or not.

Talk it out.

 

[Lea]

So, not my first/primary and not my experience coming out, but with my boyfriend (online only at the time) he began to get close to someone else. This wasn't exactly a completely big deal in that we were online and poly and didn't have restrictions or anything. He would tell me they were doing something together (and conversely, he would tell her when we were doing something). But he would say "we're close". TO me and her (as we're gf's now) close as defined by us could be close friend. So we didn't really -know- the extent of the relationships. Equally, while he and I were defined, they weren't really.

But I suppose the relation I want to make is that despite some other trust issues and drama that bf and I went through, when I met her (and deep on some level, I knew they would get that close, I felt that connection even though she and I were more 'group' friends online) we clicked immediately. Within days she and I were together, talking all the time, growing our own relationship.

ANd while our triad has had a lot of things to work through and communicate (and we are reading more than two together as well), because she and I had that connection, and we both love him and vice versa, it's been well worth it to see it through. We've moved into real life, although LD, and traveled to spend time with each other.

I love them dearly and feel it was worth making it work. I've been the liar and cheater at one point in my life because I didn't understand my poly nature, and felt so broken. I can relate to how Cyrus went about things wrong because sometimes you don't really understand the other options, the scary path, the transition from mono to poly.

Eight years is a long time. My husband and I have been together for 17 as well. And it's been a rough two years of transition for us too but well worth it.