My soul aches

So my boyfriend and I broke up about 3 weeks ago or more bc of him not wanting to have anything related with or practice polyamory. He is a monogamous cis male. I came out to him, almost wanting help or to just learn about it in a way, get him to understand the word and it’s meaning. But we just ended up ending things mutually because of Him not being able to see me with anyone else in a romantically/sextual/emotional way.

we have a great sex life (when we have sex which is every 2 months or so. Sometimes every month.) we have a great emotional connection. And a decent romantic connection. I want to continue the relationship with him or wanted to… weird mind blur this breakup it has been. I just wasn’t getting my sexual needs met. I’m the type of person who needs it like at least once a day or even once a week would be great. I enjoy receiving presents and meaningful touch. Or just simple things like holding my hand. I needed more of that too.

I wanted him as my primary, or my LTR. I think realistically I wanted to just make friends initially, get his opinion on them and go from there. I wasn’t trying to rush into anything with him but I think that’s how he took it and ended it.

I was hurting a lot. I met this polyamorous couple on fet. I talked to both of them separately (which they knew about) and connected especially with the girl, as she was a talker like me lol we made plans for about a week later and I went to meet them at their house, they both were super attractive, such great personality, and I fucking clicked with them both. The girl and I ended up having a great time, if you know what I mean. But the guy left us be, and went on a drive. He said we could enjoy ourselves and do whatever. And he saw us kissing, I was kissing him at one point too. But the next day, I get a message saying that her and her boyfriend need to work through some things before persuing anything sexual and we need to pause our friendship.

I was really confused and hurt once again because in no doubt was a connection made. So I really jus hope they do work on themselves and weren’t just using that as an excuse because they Didn’t like me:( I just don’t get if I did anything wrong or if something is wrong with me, it’s just kinda one thing after another . I’m sorry I’m blabbing idk what I wanted out of this but it turned into just a little rant/story time. Help? Ideas? Have you been through something like this? I feel like I’m not ever gonna find the light at the end of the tunnel.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

To me you sound like you are simply grieving the break up from 3 weeks ago. You aren't healed from that. And maybe jumped into this new couple too soon. Nothing wrong with wanting a warm body, casual sex, and no strings while healing from grief... if you can keep things separated. If all it does is muddy waters more for you and make the grief process harder? Maybe take a dating break.

Did you ask the poly couple about their recent past? What other poly dating they've done? What this was gonna be? Like a one time thing or what? Cuz it sounds like you went in without clarifying expectations and neither did they.

Maybe they were "exploring" and the guy thought he'd be ok with his parter and you sharing sex so fast... then maybe it turns out he wasn't. So they are closing up again after an experimental opening to reassess. That's their stuff to deal with. Not that you stink or anything.

You might want to slow your roll a bit.

1) You are still grieving your recent break up.

2) You are a poly newbie figuring out when and how to start poly dating.

The light at the end of the tunnel will come. But if this was a significant relationship and unexpected break up 3 week ago? Expecting a light this soon might be unrealistic. Your grieving time may be many more weeks, months, or a year or more depending on how significant of a relationship it was.

Go easy on yourself. While this area of life is wobbly, make sure other areas are stable by keeping to your sleeping, eating, working, and other routines.

You'll have to decide if you want to take a dating break or get on with it. And if you do date? Don't rush into any new serious connections too soon. Take it more light and casual if you are going to poly date while still working through grief.

Give yourself the gift of time. That would be my suggestion.

I hope things get better over time.

Galagirl
 
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Hi hippielettucesmoker,

I'm very sorry that you are being hit by multiple heartbreaks at the same time. I guess the one thing I would stress the most at this time, is that you deserve to be loved. This couple didn't treat you right, and I would suggest you not give them any second chances. Honestly, your (ex-) boyfriend didn't treat you right either, he didn't give you a chance to learn about poly with him, he wasn't meeting your needs, and there was a fundamental disconnect with him on the poly level.

You deserve someone who will treat you right. Don't give up on searching for that person until you find them. And if you need to vent, come here and vent. We're here to listen.

Many kind sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
I
I hope you feel better for the vent.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

To me you sound like you are simply grieving the break up from 3 weeks ago. You aren't healed from that. And maybe jumped into this new couple too soon. Nothing wrong with wanting a warm body, casual sex, and no strings while healing from grief... if you can keep things separated. If all it does is muddy waters more for you and make the grief process harder? Maybe take a dating break.

Did you ask the poly couple about their recent past? What other poly dating they've done? What this was gonna be? Like a one time thing or what? Cuz it sounds like you went in without clarifying expectations and neither did they.

Maybe they were "exploring" and the guy thought he'd be ok with his parter and you sharing sex so fast... then maybe it turns out he wasn't. So they are closing up again after an experimental opening to reassess. That's their stuff to deal with. Not that you stink or anything.

You might want to slow your roll a bit.

1) You are still grieving your recent break up.

2) You are a poly newbie figuring out when and how to start poly dating.

The light at the end of the tunnel will come. But if this was a significant relationship and unexpected break up 3 week ago? Expecting a light this soon might be unrealistic. Your grieving time may be many more weeks, months, or a year or more depending on how significant of a relationship it was.

Go easy on yourself. While this area of life is wobbly, make sure other areas are stable by keeping to your sleeping, eating, working, and other routines.

You'll have to decide if you want to take a dating break or get on with it. And if you do date? Don't rush into any new serious connections too soon. Take it more light and casual if you are going to poly date while still working through grief.

Give yourself the gift of time. That would be my suggestion.

I hope things get better over time.

Galagirl
I know I moved on to fast or haven’t had enough time to grieve. The poly couple said I was their first person they had opened up with together. They said they were looking for a third to join then and I’m guessing potentially form a tri ad. It didn’t seem like it was to be a one night stand. It was a great time and the girl /guy and I had been talking for week or some before constantly.

Maybe they were just exploring me and are going to continue to be closed but i know they are both polyamorous, so maybe they just weren’t ready? They both were so awesome and we clicked well. I wouldn’t even care if we couldn’t have sex, they would be great friends!

you’re right. I need to take my time, and find myself and my happiness again before trying to fill that with something else and making it harder later on down the road. Thanks for your kind words and input.
 
Hi hippielettucesmoker,

I'm very sorry that you are being hit by multiple heartbreaks at the same time. I guess the one thing I would stress the most at this time, is that you deserve to be loved. This couple didn't treat you right, and I would suggest you not give them any second chances. Honestly, your (ex-) boyfriend didn't treat you right either, he didn't give you a chance to learn about poly with him, he wasn't meeting your needs, and there was a fundamental disconnect with him on the poly level.

You deserve someone who will treat you right. Don't give up on searching for that person until you find them. And if you need to vent, come here and vent. We're here to listen.

Many kind sympathies,
Kevin T.
You are absolutely right. I do want to give them another chance only because they just said they need a little time, they haven’t blocked me or unadded me on anything. So that makes me feel better but still is unfortunate that they wouldn’t want to talk still. I do deserve someone to treat me right. Thank you
 
I have to say I am skeptical that "a little time" will turn out to *be* a little. I get the impression they're planning to ghost on you. But I guess if they do contact you again, you could consider giving them one more chance.

Love yourself! That's all I want to say. Be kind to yourself. Only then will you magnetize people who will also love you and be kind to you. Good luck!
 
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