My story about me, my husband, and my (now-ex) girlfriend

L

leahhamiltonwriter

New member
Hi all :) I've been polyam for 12 years, and I've finally started taking a more active role in sharing my story to spread the love! I work as a writer, and now that I have more access to big publications like Insider and Huffpost, I'm trying to reduce stigma by sharing my reasonably-boring but also very sweet love stories. I live with my husband and we have had a non-monogamous relationship for our entire marriage.

You can read my piece here: https://www.insider.com/husband-supported-open-relationship-with-girlfriend-lgbtq-2023-5

Basically - the "life story" is that my husband and I met way back at university, and non-monogamy made way more sense to us than monogamy. I consider myself polyamorous, not just non-monogamous, but my husband and I had some tough periods of trying to figure out how the relationship should actually work, and how to have additional relationships that actually functioned logistically (we have small children).

I heard about an editor at Insider who was looking for positive / happy-ending LGBTQ+ and non-traditional relationship stories, so I decided to share mine with a larger audience. The article (there) contains the whole story of how I met my girlfriend, who was another mother at my kids' kindergarten. We became friends, fell in love, and things went from there ....

It is all such a joy to explore!
 
This is your story, of course, but if you don't mind answering questions, do you or your husband have a stable partner now? Your article is a great example of how one can end a relationship in a positive way. I'm just curious if you have ongoing relationships now.

Personally, my spouse and I have been together for 11 years, married 6 and open for 5. Neither of us were sure what that openness meant in terms of labels. We solo date other people (never done group dating or group sex). She did fall in love with someone else (that has ended and wasn't really a great ending for her) a few years ago. Since then, she has dated people and had some great experiences, but nothing lasting. I recently started seeing other people (just didn't have the energy/bandwidth for a while there, especially with covid). Wasn't sure what it would mean, but somehow found a wonderful woman who just clicked. At this point, my spouse and I consider ourselves polyamorous, for sure. I think it has strengthened our love/support for each other in many ways. It's pretty fantastic to realize that love is so abundant. OTOH, it saddens me when I see the pain that traditions cause people who are not poly. Obviously, it's not all rainbows and kittens in poly, either. More people can mean more drama! But the number of times we are watching a show where someone is so torn between love interests and we both just say "Date them both!" is pretty funny at this point. So many missed opportunities just because we are taught that love must be exclusive or it's not true love....
 
Thanks for the question! Right now, neither my husband nor I have a stable partner. I had another couple of brief partnerships after my relationship with my girlfriend ended, but then COVID hit and everything shut down and I kind of went into hibernation ...

Now that things have opened up again, both my husband and I have had some brief hookups but no stable relationships. I'm open to it, but I just haven't met anyone!

My husband and I date solo, because I tend to date in lesbian circles and my partners usually simply aren't interested in heterosexual sex or relationships, which is a-okay with me! And, I tend towards defining myself as polyamorous, whereas I would say my husband is more accurately described as non-monogamous. He doesn't tend to form much of an emotional attachment to other people, I'm not really sure why, it's just the way he is.

I love the "date them both" thing. I think we make such huge problems for ourselves applying totally weird rules that create more trouble than they're worth .... yes, just date them both! haha :D
 
It's hard to find that connection, yes, whether monogamous OR poly. I don't believe in soul mates (or perhaps I believe we have lots of them...same thing...no unique person out there that is perfect for us!), but I do believe it's hard to find compatibility. I wasn't planning on falling in love with the person I'm seeing now; neither was she. But it happened, and quickly. And we are happy with it. On the flip side, my wife has dated probably a dozen people in that five year period (more or less) and only one rose to the level of love. That doesn't mean the others weren't important, of course! She's currently trying to find someone that she feels comfortable seeing on a semi-regular basis.

I've decided that 80% of men are undateable! As a gender, we've been pretty screwed up by social norms and patriarchal nonsense that is incompatible with non-monogamy (and not great for relationships, period!). So, you have to find someone that has done the work to overcome that (if you like dating men). THEN, you still have to find someone who is fine with you being poly (not as easy it sounds, even for a woman...lots of men THINK they are cool with it, but they aren't). And THEN it has to be someone you actually like. And THEN, that person has to be compatible in other ways.

It's like playing the lottery. On the plus side, a woman on a dating app has hundreds of guys to choose from. On the negative, see the above paragraph. LOL.
 
I believe that we have multiple soul mates! Or at least that there is no "one" perfect person. But yes, it can be super hard to find compatibility for all manner of reasons, personality, preferences, lifestyle, all kinds of stuff. And yes.... sadly many men are undateable, simply because of how men are socialised. It's kind of a shame and I hope that things will change. I'm queer but I mostly date women just because I have better experiences ... I'm interested in men, but mostly they don't meet basic expectations of just like... respect?

Sighhhh
 
As a bi/pansexual femme non-binary person, I've always found I related to women better emotionally and to men sexually. However, in my 50s I found a woman I relate to great in both ways, and a couple years ago I found a guy with whom I have a deep emotional, spiritual and sexual relationship, as well. I found that I wasn't successful in finding that kind of guy amongst men in my own age bracket. Younger men are different, thanks to the way society is changing (some younger men, anyway).
 
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