My story. What do you think? Help needed.
- Thread starter FoxInSox
- Start date
I think it's pretty normal to feel unhappy about your partner being able to live with someone else while you aren't able to live with them. Especially if you have no other partner.
I would question whether you're feeling jealousy or envy? Jealousy is basically "They have something I want, and I wish I could take it away from them," while envy is "They have something I want, and I'm happy they have it, I just wish I could have it as well." I would also wonder whether it's that you want to be with your partner specifically all the time, or wish that you had someone to be with all the time as you did when you and your husband were together and things were good between you. If you had your own living-together partner, would you struggle so much with the relationship between your partner and their husband?
It sounds like a very difficult situation. You and your partner live countries apart. That alone would be tough, even without the added complexity of them being married to someone else and having a child. The fact that they're thinking about uprooting their entire family and moving to be closer to you sounds to me as if they aren't entirely thinking things through. Moving from one town to another can take a lot of time and effort, let alone moving to another country.
I hope that you and your partner continue communicating, and that you're able to find a way to make this work.
I would question whether you're feeling jealousy or envy? Jealousy is basically "They have something I want, and I wish I could take it away from them," while envy is "They have something I want, and I'm happy they have it, I just wish I could have it as well." I would also wonder whether it's that you want to be with your partner specifically all the time, or wish that you had someone to be with all the time as you did when you and your husband were together and things were good between you. If you had your own living-together partner, would you struggle so much with the relationship between your partner and their husband?
It sounds like a very difficult situation. You and your partner live countries apart. That alone would be tough, even without the added complexity of them being married to someone else and having a child. The fact that they're thinking about uprooting their entire family and moving to be closer to you sounds to me as if they aren't entirely thinking things through. Moving from one town to another can take a lot of time and effort, let alone moving to another country.
I hope that you and your partner continue communicating, and that you're able to find a way to make this work.
I'm sorry you struggle.
It sounds like you guys started LDR dating without being super clear about the model you wanted to practice together. Now that you realize the communication mistake you have to decide what to do about it.
I have trouble reading paragraphs with no names for people. I am going to call your dating partner "Apple" in my response, ok? And if you like a different alias better, please feel free to update me and I'll swap to whatever you pick.
TLTR
SLOW THIS DOWN would by my advice.
Each one of those things by itself is a lot of emotional roller coaster. Add them up together? It can feel intense. That feeling or urgency/intensity can be experienced as anxiety/urgency. And to try to stop the emotional roller coaster/anxiety stuff? You might be tempted to make choices to "get things settled" much too fast when "riding it out" might actually serve you better.
NRE can feel all "pink fluffy cloud lala." It can be fun and exciting and can feel like "wheee!" But if you are talking about an international move, living together, in a poly V, with kids? That's a HUGE load. Could bring it back down to Earth and try to assess this with practicalities in mind.
LONGER VERSION
It might not feel great right now, but where's the actual fire? Taking your time dating someone helps you get a good sense of their character. What's rushing through the dating process to move in with her and her family do for you? Sounds like add more stress to me! When things are already stressy/intense, the solution is not to pack people in tighter into smaller quarters.
You chatted with Apple online when she was anon for a while, but you didn't meet her in person til Oct. That's just 7 mos ago, and it's on vacation time when people are on "best visiting behavior." You don't really know Apple or the husband all that well. Neither do they know you.
I think it is pretty weird for Apple to uproot her whole family and change COUNTRIES for someone they barely know. Why would Apply do that? Why would you want Apple to?
If both of you were single I would be wondering if Apple was looking for a quick marriage path to citizenship or something. Is something fishy going on there? Would you be able to notice it if you are all NRE?
I also think it is pretty weird for you to be fighting with her over divorcing her husband. Did you mislead you into thinking both would divorce and now she isn't? Like bait and switch? Or did you assume? Just because you wanted to leave yours, doesn't mean she wants to leave hers. She may also not be a long haul runner -- she may have been a game changing relationship in the sense that it made you realize you no longer loved your husband. But that doesn't mean she's your next long term partner.
I am concerned that because you married your BF from 15 years old, and dated nobody else but Apple so far? That your perspective is skewed on this. Like you think you HAVE to go long haul with Apple despite obstacles because you aren't sure another dating partner will come along or something.
If Apple and husband do move here with good intentions? That's expensive. It might not be happening soon. It takes time to prepare. Let them deal with that. Don't chip in financially. To me? You might chip in while she's visiting you for entertainment or dinner out. Or even treat her. But an international move?
If it were me in your shoes? I rather Apple foot the bill herself. If she chooses to move it is because she really wants to change countries. Not just to be near me. Premature "grand gestures" like that are weird to me -- I'd worry about being "love bombed." Then later Apple trying to use it to oblige me -- "I moved all the way here for you. You could at least do X for me!" I think people could do things for themselves, and gift things to others without "strings." If she's setting up a "strings" situation here and you in NRE -- would you be able to see it?
If they DO move? Don't be in a rush to cohabitate. Live nearby but in separate homes. Apple could travel between the homes. Because if it does not work out after all? The last thing you need is disruption in children's lives and/or you stuck living with your ex.
Besides, who even knows that you can all live together harmoniously in a home when you cannot yet even visit and feel ok? (January trip). Or you like it better when he's not there (when she extended her stay for another 6 weeks with you.) Or if you even have the same parenting styles? Or ideas about money money management? Or cleanliness?
"Poly" is not a solution for you to gain access to Apple. You could enter a "V" because you LIKE relating in a V shape model. You could not enter a the "V" just to get to date Apple. That's entering into a V shape IN SPITE of it being a V shape. Why do things you really don't want to be doing? Nobody is worth that.
If you do NOT love poly? And want only just the two of you? And Apple does not want to divorce? Could be super honest with yourself that it does not line up here. And it may be less painful to accept that and be friends rather than bend yourself into pretzels trying to keep flying a kite that just will not fly. Or have her change countries and then break up after lots of expense and upheaval. Grown ups might be up for that risk but I think it's terrible to put kids through that because they are stuck going along for the ride with whatever the parents are doing.
If you are not sure how you feel about polyamory and want to try it on to decide how you feel? Figure out what your deal breakers are and consider how you will manage your jealousy/envy. Date longer over LDR before talking about Apple moving to this county. At least a year, maybe more. Take a vacation together with the husband around and see how it feels. If that works? Then date in THIS country with each having your own homes. At least a year. Maybe more. Before you start talking about living together with all these children. Go slow. Don't rush things.
CONCLUSION
I don't know if these could help you in making assessments.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together
Worksheets:
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
I think you could slow it all down and do some reading and some soul searching. Decide what you are and are not up for and clearly articulate it and avoid any more miscommunication.
If there's a lot of "obstacles" and a lot of "hard feelings" and a lot of "things not lining up" -- maybe that's telling you this isn't meant to be more than what it is. The game changing relationship that helped you get through divorce. But that's it.
GL!
Galagirl
It sounds like you guys started LDR dating without being super clear about the model you wanted to practice together. Now that you realize the communication mistake you have to decide what to do about it.
I have trouble reading paragraphs with no names for people. I am going to call your dating partner "Apple" in my response, ok? And if you like a different alias better, please feel free to update me and I'll swap to whatever you pick.
TLTR
SLOW THIS DOWN would by my advice.
- This is only your 2nd relationship ever, and 1st one you entered into as an adult. You are in New Relationship Energy (NRE) all a-twitter. But you do not have lots of adult dating experience to help guide your choices and take a good measure of this situation.
- You just got recently divorced.
- This is LDR.
- You thought each would divorce respective husbands and partner. Apple is suggesting a polyamorous V because Apple doesn't want to divorce hers. You fight about this.
Each one of those things by itself is a lot of emotional roller coaster. Add them up together? It can feel intense. That feeling or urgency/intensity can be experienced as anxiety/urgency. And to try to stop the emotional roller coaster/anxiety stuff? You might be tempted to make choices to "get things settled" much too fast when "riding it out" might actually serve you better.
NRE can feel all "pink fluffy cloud lala." It can be fun and exciting and can feel like "wheee!" But if you are talking about an international move, living together, in a poly V, with kids? That's a HUGE load. Could bring it back down to Earth and try to assess this with practicalities in mind.
LONGER VERSION
It might not feel great right now, but where's the actual fire? Taking your time dating someone helps you get a good sense of their character. What's rushing through the dating process to move in with her and her family do for you? Sounds like add more stress to me! When things are already stressy/intense, the solution is not to pack people in tighter into smaller quarters.
You chatted with Apple online when she was anon for a while, but you didn't meet her in person til Oct. That's just 7 mos ago, and it's on vacation time when people are on "best visiting behavior." You don't really know Apple or the husband all that well. Neither do they know you.
I think it is pretty weird for Apple to uproot her whole family and change COUNTRIES for someone they barely know. Why would Apply do that? Why would you want Apple to?
If both of you were single I would be wondering if Apple was looking for a quick marriage path to citizenship or something. Is something fishy going on there? Would you be able to notice it if you are all NRE? I also think it is pretty weird for you to be fighting with her over divorcing her husband. Did you mislead you into thinking both would divorce and now she isn't? Like bait and switch? Or did you assume? Just because you wanted to leave yours, doesn't mean she wants to leave hers. She may also not be a long haul runner -- she may have been a game changing relationship in the sense that it made you realize you no longer loved your husband. But that doesn't mean she's your next long term partner.
I am concerned that because you married your BF from 15 years old, and dated nobody else but Apple so far? That your perspective is skewed on this. Like you think you HAVE to go long haul with Apple despite obstacles because you aren't sure another dating partner will come along or something.
If Apple and husband do move here with good intentions? That's expensive. It might not be happening soon. It takes time to prepare. Let them deal with that. Don't chip in financially. To me? You might chip in while she's visiting you for entertainment or dinner out. Or even treat her. But an international move?
If it were me in your shoes? I rather Apple foot the bill herself. If she chooses to move it is because she really wants to change countries. Not just to be near me. Premature "grand gestures" like that are weird to me -- I'd worry about being "love bombed." Then later Apple trying to use it to oblige me -- "I moved all the way here for you. You could at least do X for me!" I think people could do things for themselves, and gift things to others without "strings." If she's setting up a "strings" situation here and you in NRE -- would you be able to see it?
If they DO move? Don't be in a rush to cohabitate. Live nearby but in separate homes. Apple could travel between the homes. Because if it does not work out after all? The last thing you need is disruption in children's lives and/or you stuck living with your ex.
Besides, who even knows that you can all live together harmoniously in a home when you cannot yet even visit and feel ok? (January trip). Or you like it better when he's not there (when she extended her stay for another 6 weeks with you.) Or if you even have the same parenting styles? Or ideas about money money management? Or cleanliness?
"Poly" is not a solution for you to gain access to Apple. You could enter a "V" because you LIKE relating in a V shape model. You could not enter a the "V" just to get to date Apple. That's entering into a V shape IN SPITE of it being a V shape. Why do things you really don't want to be doing? Nobody is worth that.
If you do NOT love poly? And want only just the two of you? And Apple does not want to divorce? Could be super honest with yourself that it does not line up here. And it may be less painful to accept that and be friends rather than bend yourself into pretzels trying to keep flying a kite that just will not fly. Or have her change countries and then break up after lots of expense and upheaval. Grown ups might be up for that risk but I think it's terrible to put kids through that because they are stuck going along for the ride with whatever the parents are doing.
If you are not sure how you feel about polyamory and want to try it on to decide how you feel? Figure out what your deal breakers are and consider how you will manage your jealousy/envy. Date longer over LDR before talking about Apple moving to this county. At least a year, maybe more. Take a vacation together with the husband around and see how it feels. If that works? Then date in THIS country with each having your own homes. At least a year. Maybe more. Before you start talking about living together with all these children. Go slow. Don't rush things.
CONCLUSION
I don't know if these could help you in making assessments.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together
Worksheets:
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
I think you could slow it all down and do some reading and some soul searching. Decide what you are and are not up for and clearly articulate it and avoid any more miscommunication.
If there's a lot of "obstacles" and a lot of "hard feelings" and a lot of "things not lining up" -- maybe that's telling you this isn't meant to be more than what it is. The game changing relationship that helped you get through divorce. But that's it.
GL!
Galagirl
Last edited:
Why delete?
I just read your post too.
I agree with all the other comments. It's good you are in love, but you will have to take time to find out if you can and want to do poly and be one of two partners. Your gf seems to have a much clearer stand,, but still, she is new so she too could reasses what she wants anytime.
I guess you either feel unsafe leaving your story on the internet, or one of your partners does, but still, I am a little sorry you delete it with no reason. We would all be glad if you stayed around.
I just read your post too.
I agree with all the other comments. It's good you are in love, but you will have to take time to find out if you can and want to do poly and be one of two partners. Your gf seems to have a much clearer stand,, but still, she is new so she too could reasses what she wants anytime.
I guess you either feel unsafe leaving your story on the internet, or one of your partners does, but still, I am a little sorry you delete it with no reason. We would all be glad if you stayed around.
Last edited:
