my wife and I have differing non monogamous sexual preferences

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Swinger604

New member
So long story short. My wife and I have been together 10 years. We started out monogamous. Then we started talking about non monogamy about 5 or 6 years in. As I also do not believe in monogamy it seemed great. Now we are actually in an open marriage and I hate it. We had differing ideas of what acceptable non monogamy is. She wants sexual relationships outside of me that do not involve me in any way. I hate it but she says it not fair because I said I would be OK with non monogamy but I unlike her Im not as well versed in the different types of non monogamy. For me I want to be involved. I want to share her and have her share me or go to swingers meet ups and meet people together. She's not into that and will not indulge me. She says being shared with other guys will make her feel cheap and seeing me with another woman would make her feel jealous.We do not want to divorce as there are children involved and both would carry on miserably if we need to.

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When she goes out to have sex with another man. To cope I try to get her to tell me all about it so I can envision it and use that for my own sexual needs but she doesn't want to. She says that is for her and not me and when I ask what I get out of it she says I can go have sex with other women that's what I get out of it but it doesn't satisfy my need for voyeurism or sperm competition.
 
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Your desires don't trump your wife's. Likewise, her desires don't trump yours. The only difference here is that your desires require your wife's consent to participate, and she doesn't want to do that, whereas her's don't require your participation at all. Look, I'll be blunt, I think you are falling into a classic trap here of thinking about equality all wrong. The idea that you deserve to 'get something out of' *her* sexual exploration seems very off to me. You are not entitled to that, as her husband or otherwise. This is her thing, her body, and she should be able to share it with whoever she wants to. Now, I see that you guys really didn't talk about what you both wanted before you opened the relationship - that sucks, and consider it a lesson learned. Now I see only two options for you guys: ask her if she's willing to close the relationship and go back to being mono with you, or try to make the open relationship work for you as well.

You wanted to open for a reason. It sounds like you have a strong desire to explore aspects of your sexuality that you can't within a monogamous framework. Your wife has made it clear she's not interested in actually taking that journey with you, but she also loves you enough to not want to limit you and take away your chance to ever experience the things you crave. So, why don't you find a girlfriend who has similar kinks to you and who would derive genuine enjoyment out of being shared, having group sex, and being part of sperm competition? This is what equality looks like here: an equal opportunity or equal freedom to follow your desires. That doesn't mean that simply by being open you are instantly entitled to actually have any of your fantasies get realised, but it does mean you get to *try* to fulfil them with the support and enthusiastic consent of your wife.

Only you can figure out if doing this with another woman would be satisfying to you. Only you can figure out if you have the patience and ability to attract someone who is more compatible with you in this regard. Only you can figure out if you can be happy that your wife is getting some of her desires met, while you are still waiting to meet yours. A lot of that comes down to mindset. If you are thinking of her as your property, or that her sexuality is an extension to yours, or simply that she is an essential part of your fetishism and it only works if you are sharing your wife and not your girlfriend, then it seems clear that finding someone else and staying in this arrangement isn't going to work for you. In that case, I think you are better off asking to close the relationship and give up on exploring this. However, be warned: she might not want to go back to living monogamously, especially if she has another partner. Dragging someone back into a mono arrangement without their full consent can fuck up a relationship just as much as dragging someone into poly unwillingly. So you guys really need to start communicating with one another, and make this a real re-negotiation. Given how hard you found getting on the same page before opening, it might be worth getting some kind of third party/therapist on board to help facilitate that discussion. Good luck.
 
Thanks for the reply Tenk.

She doesn't have another partner she just wants to have the freedom to have sex with someone else if she meets someone she connects with or just to take risks. She says she missed out on being single in her 20s because she's been with me the whole time and I didn't because I am older and got to play around so I owe her. The deal is she asked for 90 days of open marriage to get it out of her system and then she wants to start over. She thinks it will take away the resentment she's been harboring for some time.

She will not go to therapy with me. She says I just don't understand. But as of right now after having sex with another guy for the first time during our open marriage she says she didn't like it and she discovered it's not what she's looking for or missing in her life. But it may come back again in the future.

The reason I had a differing understanding of how it would be is because she knows that hearing her describe fictional sexual encounters with other men turns me on and we use it quite often during foreplay. Sometimes she will use examples of the times she cheated on me too. The whole I just want to go have a one night stand when I feel the itch for it is new to our relatonship.

I have suggested breaking up but still co-parenting but she says she can't because she is going through clinical depression and anxiety and is afraid she will not be able to survive on her own. I said I will pay for all of our children's financial needs if necessary and she only needs to financially take care of herself but she is not OK with that and would rather continue miserably than pursue her journey if that is the case and then divorce when our children are old enough.
 
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Swinger604 said:
She says she missed out on being single in her 20s because she's been with me the whole time and I didn't because I am older and got to play around so I owe her. The deal is she asked for 90 days of open marriage to get it out of her system and then she wants to start over. She thinks it will take away the resentment she's been harboring for some time.
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I think this is quite a normal feeling, and I can certainly relate - if you didn't get to experience much variety in partners over your life, I think the curiosity will always be there. But I don't like how transactional things seem with you guys. You don't "owe her" for the fact that you got a different set of life experiences to her, any more than she "owes you" the chance to get off on her personal sexual experiences. If she feels resentful towards you over this, then that's a big red flag waving in the wind. She has to accept it was her choice to date you in her 20's, and not something you 'took away' from her. I would be really disappointed and hurt if I felt like my lover thought the formative years of our relationship were an inconvenience to them that stopped them from getting laid more.

I also think the 90 days thing is potentially a bit unworkable. What if she doesn't find anyone in that time? What if she finds someone she clicks with? Setting a hard limit like that could end up being too restrictive, or lead to her making an agreement with you that she later wants to break, which could break your trust in her to follow her word. If I were you guys, I would be asking her what the 90 days is for, and perhaps working more towards there being no limit as long as everyone is happy and feeling respected.

Swinger604 said:
She will not go to therapy with me. She says I just don't understand.
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Forgive me, but this is insane troll logic. She might be right in that you don't understand, but then that's exactly why therapy might be useful. You don't avoid therapy because you currently don't understand something. You go to therapy IN ORDER THAT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE to understand in the future.

Swinger604 said:
But as of right now after having sex with another guy for the first time during our open marriage she says she didn't like it and she discovered it's not what she's looking for or missing in her life. But it may come back again in the future.
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This exactly. So she hooked up with someone that, for whatever reason, didn't do it for her. That's not going to change her craving for perhaps exploring and hoping to find someone that DOES do it for her. Hence why putting any kind of time limit on this endeavour is doing you both a disservice.

Swinger604 said:
The reason I had a differing understanding of how it would be is because she knows that hearing her describe fictional sexual encounters with other men turns me on and we use it quite often during foreplay.
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Well, I do hope you have learned a lesson about assuming things without explicitly discussing them. I too enjoy making up (and hearing made up) stories of me or my partner fucking others during sex. It's hot. However, that doesn't mean either of us necessarily want to put those fantasies into reality. If she presents a scenario I'm actually interested in, when we're lying there all sweaty afterwards, I tend to ask her directly: 'So, that thing you were saying when you did that other thing that felt great? Do you actually fancy trying that sometime, or is it just a nice thought?'

Swinger604 said:
Sometimes she will use examples of the times she cheated on me too.
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This seems like relevant information to just drop in all casual like. So, she has cheated on you in the past. Is this part of why you are uncomfortable with her dating others without you being there? Do you, on some level, worry she might betray you again in some way? Not be able to stick to agreements in some way? Start to seek out a romantic attachment? I think if there are any lingering trust issues between you guys, you need to fix those before either of you hooks up with anyone again. In all honesty, I'm seeing a lot of problems between you both: you don't communicate well, you're not direct with your emotions, you both seem to bottle up resentment and fail to take responsibility for your choices. Seriously, I think you guys need some external help in sorting through this stuff. If not a therapist, then a really good non-judgemental friend to you both.
 
In all honesty I think she really connected sexually with one guy in her past that she cheated on me with. To her it wasn't cheating because we broke up before any sex happened but for me it was because she was just breaking up with me so she could go have sex this guy. Anyways the guy left her in the dust when he got her pregnant and since she has no one else family or close friends I took care of her and we eventually got back together. The abortion took a huge toll on her. She was an emotional and mental wreck. We didnt have sex for 2 years because she wasnt ready. But yeah I think she's searching for that again but she won't tell me honestly. She's a really closed off person. A huge reason she doesn't want to go see a therapist with me. She says even if she does go see one she doesn't want to go with me.

Partly the cheating is a huge trust issue for me. I actually met her when she was with another guy and she cheated on him with me.

But mostly it's just because emotionally it's not what I want in a relationship. I would rather break up. She says its OK if I leave her. I feel manipulated like she's saying it's all my fault if we break up. She's even mentioned if we break up she will take our children away from me and move to another country where her family is so they can be her support system.
 
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Well, in that case it would be good for you to encourage her to go alone (to counselling). The first step in figuring out what you guys want as a couple is to figure out what you want as an individual. It sounds like she would benefit enormously through resolving some of her feelings from that time. Make it a priority. If the relationship is on the rocks, consult a lawyer - don't risk losing contact with your kids.
 
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Please also remember that there is another person, a third person, involved when your wife is with him and his needs and desires are important too. Requiring that you be there when your wife is exploring with someone else isn't just impacting her, it's impacting him as well and that is no less fair.

Poly requires people to be honest, open, and accepting of others. You don't place rules on parties that aren't there. You don't limit your partner's behavior to make yourself more comfortable. You determine what is acceptable for YOU and then you set your own boundaries to be comfortable. If a partner wants something you don't want and you can't accept that, you end the relationship. You don't set rules on a partner. That isn't healthy for anyone.

I do think you both are not in a good place right now given all that is said. No one owes anyone anything, no one deserves this or that. You are two people who, if you love each other, need to openly listen to each other's wants and desires and determine if they can work for you in your relationship.
 
Any external partner outside us would need to comply with what we feel comfortable with first. That is our rule.

At the end of it all. I'm just not OK with her seeking other sexual relationships. She says she can't be monogamous forever because I agreed to non monogamy and now she feels tricked because now we have children and she cant leave me.
 
You sound like a child throwing a hissy fit because he is not getting his way. You do not get to set rules for others only your self. Would you like an outside person telling you how your relationship with your wife will be ran.

You wanted non monogamy but only the way you want it. No you are not being fair.
 
This is not my rule. This is her rule. She does not want to be with someone else that thinks it will lead to something other than sex. I say our rule because I'm just used to saying us but it's her rule entirely. Anytime she talks to someone who seems to be more than smitten she ends the conversation because it's not what she is looking for which is just a quick fuck and disappear.
 
You are entitled to want what you want, but not to dictate - even to your spouse - that it has to be that way. You can negotiate new rules, or agree to close the relationship, or you can leave (in which case she'll either have to make a different choice, or accept the split). And if rules or boundaries are broken, you have little choice but to leave, unless you can agree that it won't happen again.
 
This board is dedicated to polyamory. Loving romantic relationships with more than one partner. For example I have been married to Butch 15 years and Murf soon to be 5. I am deeply entangled with both men. I own houses with both, vacation with both, have pets with both. I divide my time equal between the homes I share with both.

While none of us frown on NSA sex. But most of us are in, want, or are open to romantic relationships. You would be better served on a swingers message board.
 
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I thought there are different types of Polyamory and is an umbrella term for non monogamy. Isn't swinging a type of Polyamory? Sorry I'm not well versed in how to label our sexual preferences.
 
Swinger604 said:
I thought there are different types of Polyamory and is an umbrella term for non monogamy. Isn't swinging a type of Polyamory? Sorry I'm not well versed in how to label our sexual preferences.
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Swinger604,

The generally accepted definition of polyamory is:

"Having multiple long-term, loving (romantic/sexual) relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved"

The conversation on this board is clearly geared to that definition (I've only been here a couple of months myself, but the emphasis is obvious.)

However, you confusion is understandable - because I have read in other reliable sources that it can be an umbrella term - that would include swinging. But - most people who self-identify as poly would subscribe to the definition quoted above - and some even take exception to referring to swinging as poly, while acknowledging that some folks who are in poly came to poly through swinging (met others for fun - and then it evolved into something more).

But again, the conversations on this forum are geared to the quoted definition.

Best,

Al
 
No it is not an umbrella term for non monogamy. But a subset which focuses on romantic relationships with more than one partner. Polyamory doesn't have to involve sex. You can be polyamorous but monosexual or even asexual.

Open relationship or non monogamy is the umbrella term.
 
Regardless of the "swinging" vs. "polyamory" semantics, I think the problems here go FAR deeper than their sexual/relationship preferences. The OP can't dictate to his wife, and his wife can't hold him hostage.

OP, if your wife won't go to counseling, you would certainly benefit from it, if only to realize that you don't HAVE to stay in a marriage you don't want. I also second the advice that you see a lawyer. Children are not pawns.
 
Swinger604 said:
This is not my rule. This is her rule. She does not want to be with someone else that thinks it will lead to something other than sex. I say our rule because I'm just used to saying us but it's her rule entirely. Anytime she talks to someone who seems to be more than smitten she ends the conversation because it's not what she is looking for which is just a quick fuck and disappear.
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Her setting the parameters of her relationship with someone else independent of you is fine. If you are uncomfortable with what she sets, you have two options: talk it out, but accept what she wants or leave and find what you want. You don't have the right to tell her what to do anymore than she has the right to tell you. This is pretty fundamental, extending to more than just relationships.

Any external partner outside us would need to comply with what we feel comfortable with first. That is our rule.
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This statement just made that person less important in setting their OWN boundaries. If I were that person, I wouldn't come near either of you with a ten foot pole. You defined that person's rules for them. You hand them a contract and say 'if you want to fuck my wife you better sign on the dotted line.'

That isn't ethical poly. And, as everyone else has said, neither of you are really acting until poly. That other person is a PERSON, not a thing to be used for getting off and then dropped and hurt.
 
Thank you everyone. I'm obviously on the wrong message board as I don't think our issues are related to this lifestyle.

Hope you all the best and again thank you everyone for your time.
 
Hi Swinger604,

I am willing to try to help you with your situation even if it's not poly per se. You and your wife seem to be in a state of conflict with each other, so much so that she is holding the children hostage. You definitely need a counselor at the least; possibly you need a lawyer (for just you). You and your wife have very different ideas about what makes an ideal nonmonogamous situation, and I kind of want to say that if the two of you are going to stay together, you should probably do so monogamously. But I don't know whether I would advise staying together, your ideals differ so much from each other.

Sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin.

She tells me when things are good she only wants to be with me and can't picture herself with anyone else. But when things are bad (not because I'm bad but this is not how she pictured life to be like) she wants an escape. Her natural tendency is to run away from conflicts and stress.
 
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