was it?
This is Aztriads other profile..
This is the fallout of a unicorn hunting triad gone bad.
or was it closer to the the opposite side of the recent pendulum swing?
The current accepted perspective -- which young authors have been very vocal about their conclusion -- which essentially pigeon holes all couples who prefer poly-fidelity, as abusive, unrealistic couples and the another human being as a unicorn
ten or fifteen years ago the same situations were pigeon holed, by a nearly identical poly-demographic ( zealous, well intended, authors who believed they had it figured out and could help people with their "correct" style of polyamory) except the characters of the same -- very general situation -- which really shouldn't be pigeon-holed, as a poly couple meets cowgirl/cowboy scenario.
And all the hip, cutting edge advice was nearly opposite in every aspect.
There really is not a poly template that works for all generic dynamics of sexuality, practicing honesty, knowing yourself, being honest with yourself, practicing effective communication AND encouraging people to decide for themselves which style flavor or whatever the current accepted vocabulary is, is really the only way for people to help each other.
when people take up a specific poly-style flag and parade it as the right way to be non-monogamous, poly "communities" are continuing all the ignorant practices and beliefs exhibited by societies which is the reason that still to this day people are afraid to be honest with others about how they interact with others in regards to love and sex.
I am sorry Jetta, there is nothing I can say that would make your situation better, except that I am familiar with what you are going through, and time does make it better. You can't force people to continue trying to make a relationship work, and like Nudge said, ending a relationship with the justification of "can't see you unhappy anymore" is a cop out.
I don't know your situation, but many people make the mistake of letting NRE destroy their existing relationship, which is not at all a loving thing to do.
There are also many people who proclaim "poly" but use it to mask dishonest behavior. Cheating is not poly, and if you really want to get into semantics and splitting hairs, the simple act of not sharing your feelings can be considered cheating and at the same time sharing feelings that are born of purely situational circumstance (like when you are madder than hell at someone) can be abusive
When non-monogamy is anything but hyper-casual, anonymous sex, it is much more complicated than monogamy. It demands an elevated level of maturity than is typically labeled as "adult". It takes honest , compassion for others and a genuine respect for the well being of all involved.
It takes courage to be honest, to trust, and a willingness to do the work that is needed so that it isn't just dumb luck that your poly adventures don't cause break-ups.
Because that is what will happen if you don't do the work, or take advice from people who advise you practice poly their way. It works if you are submitting your will and decision to be subject to their will and desires, otherwise you will never be happy until you trust yourself and your relationships are with those who are conscious, honest, and trustworthy people themselves.
I hope things work out for you, and you should give yourself credit for being brave enough to break tradition, to writing about it here and putting up with being chastised. Feeling like you want to die is temporary, and if your were brave enough to give poly a go, even your relationship is irreparably damaged, people with your level of courage eventually bounce back from it, they always do, and so will you
