Mya's search for balance

It seems that Jasmin and Layla have transitioned into a more friend-type relationship rather than partners. They still see each other semi-regularly, but what I gather from Jasmin is that they've stopped having sex a while ago and they don't really do overnights anymore either. So they see each other once a week or once in two weeks, have nice conversations and good times with each other, and there are still some romantic feelings there, but not as much intensity or long-term plans. So it's a bit of a grey area relationship, but yesterday Jasmin said to me that she's not looking for any more partners besides me and Kaspar, so that makes me think that she doesn't consider Layla a partner anymore.
 
I've just come back home from my trip to the USA. I had such a lovely time! I visited four different cities and got so many new experiences. :) I spent most of my time travelling with my two mono straight friends, but I had an evening here and there where I met up with someone queer and/or poly. It was a pretty cool combination. In one of the cities I met up with someone I had one date with years ago, when he was visiting my city. It was really fun noticing that the spark was still there, and we ended up having sex this time as well (like we did on our first date). In another city I met up with someone who used to live in my city for a while, actually he lived with a bunch of my poly friends, so we had a lot to talk about. Me and this person also had sex once back in the day when he lived with my friends. And the spark was still there with him too, but we only made out a bit this time. He did say though that I'm always welcome to stay at his place if I visit his city again (he has an extra bedroom), which was a great offer, because I kinda fell in love with that city. Then I went to the last city on my trip alone because my friends weren't interested in it but I was. So I met up with a friend of friend on the first night there and on the second I went to see Reverie's (from this board) band! I had an amazing time at the gig itself and at the after-party, and I met so many cool people. It was a very memorable evening and a perfect last night of my trip. :)
 
Very fun to meet internet people IRL. Sounds like it was a blast.
 
Jasmin has given me a lot of time and attention recently and I've been really enjoying that. :) The first night we saw each other after being apart was pretty intense. We had some great talks, and among other things figured out that we have a tendency to try to go a bit too easy on each other. When we first started dating we were both going through some tough times, and whenever we were together, we managed to make each other feel better. It kind of started to feel like us against the world in a way, like we were these safe havens to each other. Which is good in many ways. But there is a risk that you end up not bringing up problems when you want to be the easy partner, the one that always makes you feel better, not worse. So we noticed that this pattern does exist between us a little bit. I'm glad we figured this out fairly early on. I've been feeling a bit like that recently when Jasmin has had some ups and downs with Kaspar. I've been feeling like I don't want to add to her burden by bringing up my own worries because she's already stressed about Kaspar stuff. And she said she's felt like she doesn't want to bring Kaspar-related stress into our relationship and wants to always be in best possible headspace when we spend time together. So we addressed those things and I ended up bringing up my own worries and she ended up talking about Kaspar-related stuff. It was all very good and bonding in the end.

I'm seeing Marco tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it! I've been thinking about sex with him a lot lately, so I can't wait to have it again tomorrow. After I had gotten back from my trip, me and Marco texted about schedules and found out that through the whole of July we could only find two days when we're both free. :rolleyes: So we booked those two days as dates, and the first one is tomorrow. The second one is like three weeks from now. Even though it felt a bit ridiculous at the time, I'm now actually quite pleased that we're only seeing each other twice this month. I actively want to pace this thing so that it doesn't suddenly grow into an intense romantic relationship. So it's all good.

Then, I mentioned the virgin at some point. We have also seen each other three times now and are planning on continuing that, so I should probably name him too. He'll be called Noel. It's definitely been an interesting journey with Noel. I've never been anyone's first sexual partner before. It's quite thrilling. I have a tabula rasa here, and I have an opportunity to teach him about stuff like consent and how women (or people with vaginas) in general work. I try to point out the things where I'm statistically average and where I'm in the minority, and I try to emphasize that each sexual thing he learns about me is about me and when he's with someone else he needs to find out what that person likes all over again. Such a new experience for me, but I do kinda like it. My only concern in this situation is that he'll develop romantic feelings for me. Why it's a concern is that I don't feel that way about him. I think he's hot, I'm sexually attracted to him. I like him as a person. But I don't have romantic feelings for him. I think that's something we might have to talk about next time we see each other. I want him to continue this only if he either feels the same way or is okay with my lack of feelings.
 
Oh man, I had SUCH a good time with Marco yesterday (and this morning :D)! We have a lot of chemistry, and the sex is pretty incredible. It's everything I hoped for when I went back to OKC last time. He's a very good sub. Yesterday we talked about how this thing of ours has a time limit and how that feels a bit weird and sad, but at the same time it makes us appreaciate more the time we do have left and make the most of it. I think I'll be a bit sad when this ends. But with the amount of fun I'm having now, it will be worth it. :)
 
Today I'm feeling equally secure and insecure in my relationship with Jasmin. We had a pretty up and down evening yesterday. She was feeling anxious about non-relationship-related stuff and said she really wants to be home, so I suggested we change the plan so that I go to hers instead, since we had originally planned to spend the night at mine. She gratefully accepted the offer, so I went to hers. She talked to me about the things that were upsetting her, and I was able to be there for her and listen, so that was really good. She also spoke to Kaspar on the phone a bit, and eventually felt better about the things that caused her anxiety. So that ended well and I felt nice being able to support her. Then in the evening we started having sex, but that didn't end very well. She said that she sometimes feels that we're not sexually as compatible as we could be. She expanded on that quite a bit, but I don't want to get further into that here. Anyway, I ended up feeling super sad and anxious about that, mainly because the reasons for my two last break-ups (with Dahlia and Fay) were about sex, so I'm now half-convinced that this is it, Jasmin will also eventually break up with me for the same reason. Like, women will just stop wanting sex with me after about 8-10 months, and that's the story of my life. Damn! But to be fair, this feels like a different situation than it did with Dahlia or Fay. Jasmin did make some fairly specific points that we can possibly address and try to work around. We can still change things. We can get over this hurdle. We can learn to be better together. So at the end of the evening I still felt that we came out of this somehow stronger. She was able to voice her concerns, I was able to take them in, she doesn't want to leave me or stop having sex altogether. Those are all good outcomes. I have hope.
 
Okay, so I just got home from a date that I didn't know was a date. :p A friend of a friend sent me a Facebook message a few days ago asking if I'd like to have dinner with her some time. She didn't specify that she meant it as a date. When I read the message, I thought it might be a date or it might not, it's often a bit hard to know with women. But since the last time I saw her at a gathering she said that it would be cool to hang out more some time, I just thought she probably wants to get to know me as a friend. So I said yes without asking clarifying questions. Then while we were having that dinner, I said something about trying to avoid getting into new serious things before my move, especially with women because I tend to fall in love with them much more easily than men. At that point she said "you know that when I asked you out I meant this as a date, right?" I said that I really hadn't known, so it's good that got cleared up. Then we talked for quite some time about sexuality, poly and all that. What she's looking for, what I'm looking for. She did say that she's looking for a casual thing. I said that I need to think about this before going anywhere with it. And that's what I've been doing ever since I got home from the date.

The thing is, I do think she's cute and I like her. If the situation was different, I think I'd go for it. But as it is, I'm too afraid of breaking my heart. And possibly hers too. She also told me that she's demisexual and would only have sex after getting to know each other more and building a connection. I asked how does that work with wanting something casual. She wasn't sure herself, but wanted to give it a go. I think the demi thing is increasing my fear of broken hearts in this situation. So I think I'll have to say no to this.

While I was talking to her I realised just how many things in my life I'm re-evaluating at the moment. So many changes, both external and internal. I'm quite confused about many things right now. Hopefully they'll all make sense one day.
 
Mya said:
She also told me that she's demisexual and would only have sex after getting to know each other more and building a connection. I asked how does that work with wanting something casual. She wasn't sure herself, but wanted to give it a go.
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As a person who is doing basically the same thing right now with a couple of people, my own take is that "casual" and "getting to know someone and building a connection" can indeed coexist harmoniously. I just think of it as "friends with benefits" where the benefits come along after more of the friendship is established. :)

Makes sense that you might want to avoid that if it tends to lead to heartbreak for you, though.
 
Reverie said:
As a person who is doing basically the same thing right now with a couple of people, my own take is that "casual" and "getting to know someone and building a connection" can indeed coexist harmoniously. I just think of it as "friends with benefits" where the benefits come along after more of the friendship is established. :)

Makes sense that you might want to avoid that if it tends to lead to heartbreak for you, though.
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Yeah, I see that. I do believe it can work, but it needs time for building that connection. And time is something I don't have much of. So if this same thing came up in a different situation, where I didn't have a time limit, I would probably go for it. But right now it would just be frustrating building that connection knowing that I'm leaving the country soon. And yes, it would also likely lead to a heartbreak from my side at least. In these circumstances it just doesn't feel like worth it.
 
I'm so freaking happy right now. :) Me and Jasmin talked some more about our sex-related issue, really digged deep into what's causing it and what we can do differently. We figured out quite a few things that were contributing to it. And then later that same day we had like the best sex we've ever had. :eek: It was so good that I cried afterwards. I cried from happiness and I cried from relief. I was so relieved that the problem is not our chemistry or compatibility. It was indeed something we were able to fix when we just knew what to do differently. As hard as the conversation was a few days ago, it was so worth it when this is what it lead to. I was so happy that Jasmin decided to talk to me about it instead of just deciding not to have sex with me again. This gives me a lot of hope for the future as well. Communication, communication, communication. So many things can be solved with it. We're strong together again. Ah, life is good. <3

The same evening after that amazing sex, me and Jasmin went to a sex party. Kaspar was there too. I was feeling so happy about me and Jasmin that I really didn't care what she was going to do at the party. She had said to me earlier that she might have sex with Kaspar there and I was fine that. She ended up having sex (or at least doing something sexual) with someone else instead, which was equally fine by me. I felt so totally secure in my relationship with her that nothing could shake me. Also, while that was happening, I made out with someone else too, so it was all good. :D I really enjoyed that and all the nice chats that I had at the party. But the party wasn't such a great experience to Kaspar. He seemed really sad at some point. He sat next to me on a sofa, and I asked if he wanted to talk about what's going on. He said he might want to, but he's not sure yet why he's feeling bad. I said I'll be available later too if he wants to talk. He thanked me for that, but never took me up on my offer. Then a bit later Jasmin kind of ran up to me and said "I need to go now, I'll explain later. Are you ok?". I said I was having a great time and that she could go without needing to worry about me, I'd get myself a taxi home later. So she left with Kaspar. I still haven't heard what happened, I think Jasmin and Kaspar might still be figuring stuff out at the moment. I hope it will all be okay in the end.
 
Jasmin is struggling with polyamory at the moment. She said to me yesterday that sometimes she wonders if poly is the right choice for Kaspar. She also said that when she's with him, she could imagine being happy with just him, and when she's with me, she could imagine being happy with just me. It seems there's a part of her brain that's trying to make her choose between us. I think there's still this remaining monogamous conditioning in her that is strengthened by Kaspar being baby poly and still having a lot of monogamous impulses/reactions. I think there's a part of Jasmin that wants Kaspar to not struggle and therefore give him a monogamous relationship. That's freaking scary for me, obviously. :( And it's also making me dislike their relationship a bit because now I feel like it's a direct threat to my relationship with Jasmin. That's not a nice feeling. I'd like to be able to be happy for her and Kaspar, to encourage them to move forward and to be full of compersion for them. But right now that's not very easy. We talked more about polyamory and these two relationships, and at the end of the evening she reassured me that she's not planning on leaving me and she is still planning on moving to the other country with me. But I can't just forget the things she said earlier. I feel pretty fragile right now.
 
Thanks Reverie, that was very much appreciated. :)

Luckily we're out of the danger zone now. Jasmin was just having a bad brain weasel day, she told me later. She is still getting used to the idea of loving two people deeply and being committed to them both. So sometimes her monogamous conditioning takes over momentarily and she freaks out. She reassured me yesterday and today about wanting to share love and life with me and wanting to move in with me. It's all good. We're good. :)

I need to be more patient, I think, when it comes to these kinds of thoughts of hers. Realise that we all have these weird thoughts sometimes and mine and her connection seems to be the type where she can just blurt out her unprocessed thoughts and feelings to me, in order to process them. I do the same sometimes. She has now processed them and wants to go on being poly and wants to move forward with our moving plans. I know it's scary for her. She has never lived with a romantic partner before, and she has never been in two serious/committed relationships at the same time before. No wonder she's confused and scared sometimes.
 
I saw Noel a couple of days ago. It was the fourth time I've seen him in four months, so it seems that we've kind of settled into a rhythm of seeing each other once a month. He said that he probably can't see me at all in August, or maybe once at the very end of the month, so it seems to continue similarly. I think he's feeling a little conflicted about our situation. I mean, time-wise he can't give me any more than I can give him, so it's not unbalanced in that way. But I think there's a part of him that's starting to feel sad about that. Last time we saw each other he said that he doesn't know what he'll do when I leave the country and that he'll miss me when I'm gone. In a way I can understand that. I'm the first and only person he's had sex with, and he knows I'm leaving in a few months, so that must feel a bit daunting. I tried to reassure him that he'll find others at some point, but I know it's hard for guys on OKC compared to women. I have started to feel this...fondness towards him. I think that's the best word to describe it. I don't think this thing of ours would ever develop into a romantic relationship even without the time limit, but it's definitely not meaningless or emotionless. He's a sweet person. :)
 
I had an awesome date with Marco last night! :) I feel like we're slowly getting closer and closer. We've only seen each other once every 3-4 weeks so far, which I'm actually fairly happy about. We text maybe once or twice a week. It's a really low-pressure relationship. I like it a lot. I like him more and more each time I see him. Yesterday we talked about one day him meeting Jasmin and me meeting his live-in partner. I think I'd quite like that. But we also decided not to do it just yet, maybe in a couple of months or so, when we're less busy. We're both really busy in August, so we want to spend the little time we have just with each other.

I've already talked to Jasmin about our future living arrangement and how we're going to handle our other partners visiting us, and we've bounced some ideas around. Marco has said that he loves the country where I'm moving to and would be up for visiting me after I've moved. It's not super far and there are cheap ways to get from one country to the other, so I'm hopeful that we can possibly keep this fairly casual but still warm and romantic connection going after I've moved. But I'm also not devastated if it doesn't work out like that and our thing ends when I leave the country. At the moment I'm feeling pretty zen about it, but there's a good chance that will change once we get closer to the moving date. :p
 
I realise that I've developed a fear. I mean, some form of it has kind of been there ever since Jasmin and Kaspar met, but it became much worse after Jasmin's recent ponderings. I fear that if a long-ish time goes by without me and Jasmin spending time together, but she spends time with Kaspar, she forgets how nice it is to be with me and decides she only wants to be with him. Her recent brain weasel moment indicates that it is not impossible. I spent a week back in Home Country and she spent a lot of time with Kaspar in the meanwhile. The first night we saw each other after I came back, that's when she said all those things. But after we spent an evening together, she was convinced again that she wants to be with me and doesn't actually need to choose. So now I feel like I need to hoard all the time I can get with her so that she won't just forget how it is to be with me. But I also realise that's not a healthy way to go about it. Instead, I need to develop some non-attachment and self-reliance. There is no way I can make her stay or want to be with me. If she at some point does come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to be with me, for whatever reason, I need to be able to let her go and move on with my life eventually. I want her choice to be with me to be a real choice. It's just really scary because I think we're so compatible and us living together could be something really awesome. But it can't be awesome unless we both really want it, so I need to just let her figure out what she wants and accept the result.
 
Not sure if it pertains .. Here goes.

One of my SO's had pointed this out to me before, that I seem different if I spend too much time at the other place, even if I know I'm not enjoying the time as much as if she was there too. She thinks I forget about her/us if it's too many days... talking days here lol

I don't of course, just couldn't forget us!! ..I think it's just that we get in a groove of regular life with the rest of the loved ones and it shows whether good or bad....
So I'm sure it takes a few moments to get back to everything she knows and loves about you! I'm sure her day is much better after that..
Toodles
 
So, it did happen after all. Jasmin chose Kaspar. :( She told me a few days ago that she doesn't want to move to the new country with me after all and instead wants to move in with Kaspar in our current country. I guess it's not all that surprising after all those signs, but I still had hope that she'd eventually choose me as the person to live with and build a life with. But nope. I am heartbroken and disappointed and very sad. :( There was nothing wrong with us as a couple, she just feels a bigger pull towards him than me. If she had never met him, we'd still be going ahead with the plan. I mean, I understand that she needs to follow her heart and that's important, but I can't help but feel a bit bitter. She has given me the option to continue in a relationship with her as a non-domestic partner, she would like that very much. The other option is obviously to break up completely. I haven't decided yet, but I'm leaning heavily towards breaking up. I'm not sure I can continue after this big change of direction.

This leaves my whole life completely up in the air. I have already told my boss that I'm leaving my job, I've told my housemates that I'm leaving the house. I'm pretty sure the housemates would let me stay, the job I'm not so sure of. Then again I've been wanting to go freelance for a bit anyway, so maybe I'll just do that in any case. But yeah, I don't know where I should live now. Staying in the current country forever isn't something I want, but maybe I could stay for a bit longer while I decide. Then again, I could also just move to the new country and try to build a life there. I don't know. So many unanswered questions.
 
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