Need Advice about which relationship to keep, poly on mono??

[Suesix]

Hello,

I am currently in need of some advice. I am new to poly, about 6 months. I was introduced to poly by Gamer, obviously not his real name, and his primary. I quickly developed feelings for him and became part of their family, including the children and Gamer's Fiance's boyfriend. Things have been very rocky the entire time. Nothing so critical that I wasn't able to talk it out, we even had started a weekly meeting where the 4 of us chatted about schedules and issues that came up and needed dealing with. This all ended a couple of weeks ago when Gamer and Fiance decided that they were hurting their relationship more than strengthening it by living poly and that they were going to be monogamous with each other.

I took a week mostly away, chatting through text about daily type things only, to get my head and heart around the new transition. I had really jumped head first into learning as much as I could about the lifestyle and doing my best to stay open to ideas, continuing my research, forcing myself to communicate much more openly than I am normally comfortable with to really make the relationship work. It hurt to have to change things but I knew I wanted to stay friends with these people.

While I was dating Gamer I also met and started dating causally Chef. I didn't talk to Chef about poly right away because I wasn't sure if he and I would develop anything with each other. Once I realized I was starting to have deeper feelings for him, I sat him down and tried my best to explain polyamory and my current relationship with Gamer and his family. He didn't take it well. He told me it sounded like a cult and brainwashing. After much more discussion and a few tears from both of us, he gave me an ultimatum. He was not comfortable having a relationship with someone who would be dating other people.

The next day after this conversation was our weekly meeting day and I had planned to talk to the group and get advice. I was feeling torn, much like I am now. Before I could say anything, I was told that the romantic part of the relationship was ending between Gamer and I. I chose to take that as a sign and never mentioned my ultimatum from Chef.

Yesterday, I was talking with Fiance and she explained that she and Gamer had talked all morning, they had finally come to the conclusion that they were both hurting very much over the last couple weeks after breaking off the poly relationships and they didn't want to see each other hurting anymore. She also told Gamer that she realized he was struggling with being consistent in their relationship prior to the break ups because he didn't want to admit how deeply he cared for me, he hasn't had a full time girlfriend before just FWB. Anyway, they wanted to re-open their relationship. This time she and I would sit down and decide the parameters, still not sure what that means, and schedule and then present it to the group.

That's the background, here's where I need help. What do I do with this mess?

I honestly and truly love both of these men. No matter which scenario I play out in my head I immediately begin to cry. Ideas? Life lessons to share? Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Tinwen]

I'd suggest you maybe take the two men out of it for a moment, and just try to think about what relationship model you want to live, kind of a long-term strategy. Can you be happy with monogamy? If it wasn't for Gamer, would you still want polyamory? Just start there.

Or, take a paper and pencil and do some automathic writing, just write down anything that is crossing your mind. No self-censorship. You don't even have to read it afterwards. You can also try drawing or music improvisation - these things have to power to slowly alter the way you feel. Just get it out of your system.

Or, just start by getting some rest, taking a break from the issue and putting yourself at easy any way you know. You do no have to tackle it immediatelly.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Suesix,

I think the problem you're dealing with is the simple fact that you're going to have to break up with *someone.* Either Gamer or Chef. Possibly both.

One thing that Chef offers is consistency. He does not break up with you one week, then get back together with you the week after, and that's basically what Gamer's doing. So, if you want consistency, it makes sense to stay broken up with Gamer. However, it also depends on how important polyamory is to you. If you get together with Chef, you'll have to swear off polyamory and be monogamous for life or at least indefinitely. So you need to decide, what do you value the most here, consistency, or polyamory. It seems likely that you won't be able to have both.

On the other hand, maybe you do want both, consistency and polyamory. If so, then you may want to consider breaking up with both of those guys. Painful thing to do, but it might open things up for you more in the future. Of course, you don't know for sure what either of those guys is going to do in the future. Maybe Gamer will be consistent with you from here on forward. And maybe Chef will develop a new view of polyamory. You just can't tell, and alas, I can't tell you either. You have some difficult choices on the road ahead. But, I hope my post helps you bring things into focus.

Keep us posted if you're willing; we'll try to give more advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I didn't talk to Chef about poly right away because I wasn't sure if he and I would develop anything with each other.

Next time, could tell people sooner you are involved in a poly network. So if it is a deal breaker for them because they only date mono, you aren't wasting your time or theirs. Or worse, dating for while investing in it, THEN learn of the deal breaker issue. The break up feels that much harder because you got attached.

Yesterday, I was talking with Fiance and she explained that she and Gamer had talked all morning, they had finally come to the conclusion that they were both hurting very much over the last couple weeks after breaking off the poly relationships and they didn't want to see each other hurting anymore

If I were in your shoes? That would turn me off. I am not the "bandaid" person for their problems. Of course breaking up can hurt. What did they expect?

I would also wonder why Gamer is not talking to me directly about possibly getting back together. I would wonder why Gamer is sending his fiancee to tell me.

I would wonder why me and his fiancee would work out the new agreements and present it to the group? I did not sign up for this subcommittee. I'm just supposed to go with what other people decide for me? That sounds weird and off putting to me.

I would stay broken up with Gamer. I don't want to date a BF that I have to go "through" his fiancee for everything. I don't mind kitchen table poly if everyone has a voice in the things that concern them. But I do mind it if the engaged couple (Gamer and fiancee) decide what flies or doesn't fly for EVERYONE, and the others (me and Fiancee's BF) are just extras on their movie. We get a script they write and we just act it out? Not for me. Or I get pressed into service to help make them feel better? Even though it makes me feel confused and uncertain? Not for me.

I don't need that mess.

This new offer from Gamer & Fiancee doesn't sound especially tasty to me. I would let it stay broken up. Being decisive about it also helps clear up my path/choices. Takes AWAY from the confusion rather than ADDING new load.

I would figure out if I want to be in a mono thing with Chef. That is all he can offer me -- an exclusive mono thing. If I am not up for that offer? I would decline his offer.

And then I would move on to date other people in the way that I like best. It is possible to pick NEITHER. But that is me, and you are you.

YOU have to figure out what it is you want to be doing. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Love alone isn't enough to sustain a relationship. There's other things to consider for long term compatibility.

Galagirl

 

[opalescent]

So one option is a couple that jerks you around while not taking seriously your wants and needs. You know just because they say they are open again doesn't mean it's a good idea to return to a relationship with Gamer. Unless they put a lot of work into how they treat others and react to pain they will dump you again.

And your other option is a man who after casually dating demands instant monogamy and mocks and belittles you and your relationships. It's one thing to say 'They aren't treating you well at all' and 'You're in a cult and I do not approve at all.' The subtext to that is you can't be trusted to make romantic decisions for yourself. Therefore be monogamous with him to fix all your problems.

You're not compatible with Chef. Gamer and his fiancée are very likely to dump you again if you restart that connection. I know you love these people but love is not enough for a healthy relationship.

You deserve better than these two men, regardless of what relationship structure you choose. I wish the best.

 

[kdt26417]

I think opalescent is right, there's a strong case to be made for dumping both of these guys.