It's ok to ask for help with your emotional management. Don't worry about that. I see it is hard for you. Nobody is judging. Don't judge yourself for being human.
CURRENT GOALS:
CURRENT WANTS:
It sounds like you are still mourning the breakup and all the drama that went with it. Give yourselves time apart to heal first before spending time together, either physical or psychological time, or both.
CURRENT FEELINGS
All this stuff...
... is the yuckies resulting from the inner conflict.
That could be speaking to needing closure from the break up and/or broken trust repair work that has not yet come to completion. Is she willing to try? Is she willing to become trustworthy again? Has she apologized? Have you forgiven? If you feel you are willing to risk trusting her again, are you giving her opportunity to make amends, telling her exactly what has to happen (in her behavior), holding her accountable?
Some of that could also speak to a judging inner voice. Do you engage in a lot of "should" talk in your head? Try changing should to could. See if that feels better.
Everything you're feeling sounds appropriate for the situation at hand. Accept being human, have your feelings, and let emotions just be what they are.
Sunshine is sunshine, and rain is rain. Emotions are emotions. Some feel yummy, some feel yucky. Do your best to let the yucky ones blow on through. Then, once the storm clears, pick up the pieces and make your next life choices. Weather happens. Sometimes I have to go outside and clear up the patio after a storm. It is what it is.
Which ones? You are not specific as to which ones you want to go away and which ones you want to keep. See the blue list above. Can you clarify which ones you want to let go of?
All you say seems to lean toward, "I want to be friends with my ex, and lay this to rest." But maybe what is best for you is to let go of not just a romantic/sexual/love relationship with her, but even friendship.
You are the one there, so only you can answer. Is "wanting to be friends" still the overarching goal?
Yes. If you choose to not put yourself in situations with her where she can ding you again:
The approach depends on your desire/goal for this relationship and where you want to take it, and if she shares the same goal for the relationship and is willing to work with you toward that -- be it "friends only," or "part ways, be polite acquaintances," or whatever seems to work best.
Are you willing to work on repairing the broken trust? Is she? It takes two to tango. Trust repair will not happen otherwise. And without that, you will not be able to trust again.
You are human. You are going to have feelings. Make peace with that.
It is difficult because you are not choosing to "talk the talk and walk the walk" consistently. You are mixing and matching still. Choose do the behavior required to meet your goals with commitment to yourself and your best health.
It is that simple. Pick what your goal is. What do you want? DECIDE. Then in your talking, thinking, and behaviors, align yourself toward that.
If the goal is to be friends, but not lovers, see if she shares the same goal. I, personally, would not want to be her lover. If you have buried the hatchet and made peace on that part, that's good. But don't open yourself to more of that lover-betrayal stuff. Trying to have a friendship, not a love relationship, is what is on your plate right now, or at least that's how I read your desire/goal from your previous post.
Agree to take a time out to gather yourself back together, post breakup, on your own, with other people. Do not talk to each other, or at least not in any deep way, and not about the breaking-up feelings. Those are best shared with other "neutral" people. Your ex is not a neutral person.
Meet up once the freshness of the breakup is past, and then be friends. Do friend things. Do not talk to her about your attraction to her. Don't get in bed together. You know what friend-appropriate and not friend-appropriate behaviors are, right? Make a commitment to yourself to keep it there, in your talk and in your walk.
Guard against temptation to fuzz up the boundaries. Call her into account if she does. Have her call you into account if you do.
Over time, you will find the "new normal." You will be friends with your ex and it won't be a THING. But if you keep making it be a THING because you are not clear in your goals, not clear in your talk or your walk, you are creating "confusion suffering" for yourself that you don't need to tote around. Take it one day at a time, this business of finding the new normal. Remember to lift up your goal to yourself and hold yourself accountable to that. Make that commitment to yourself and see if you feel better in time.
You can do this. I believe in you. You could believe in yourself too.
Straighten yourself out.
CURRENT GOALS:
CURRENT WANTS:
It sounds like you are still mourning the breakup and all the drama that went with it. Give yourselves time apart to heal first before spending time together, either physical or psychological time, or both.
CURRENT FEELINGS
All this stuff...
... is the yuckies resulting from the inner conflict.
That could be speaking to needing closure from the break up and/or broken trust repair work that has not yet come to completion. Is she willing to try? Is she willing to become trustworthy again? Has she apologized? Have you forgiven? If you feel you are willing to risk trusting her again, are you giving her opportunity to make amends, telling her exactly what has to happen (in her behavior), holding her accountable?
Some of that could also speak to a judging inner voice. Do you engage in a lot of "should" talk in your head? Try changing should to could. See if that feels better.
Everything you're feeling sounds appropriate for the situation at hand. Accept being human, have your feelings, and let emotions just be what they are.
Sunshine is sunshine, and rain is rain. Emotions are emotions. Some feel yummy, some feel yucky. Do your best to let the yucky ones blow on through. Then, once the storm clears, pick up the pieces and make your next life choices. Weather happens. Sometimes I have to go outside and clear up the patio after a storm. It is what it is.
Which ones? You are not specific as to which ones you want to go away and which ones you want to keep. See the blue list above. Can you clarify which ones you want to let go of?
All you say seems to lean toward, "I want to be friends with my ex, and lay this to rest." But maybe what is best for you is to let go of not just a romantic/sexual/love relationship with her, but even friendship.
You are the one there, so only you can answer. Is "wanting to be friends" still the overarching goal?
Yes. If you choose to not put yourself in situations with her where she can ding you again:
- Either do not trust her, or do not tell her anything deep. (E.g., why are you telling her about your next crush? That is oversharing with a friend who is not done repairing broken trust so you can be emotionally safe with her again. You are giving her emotional information. Why?)
- Or rebuild trust to a point where you can share intimacies like that and know she will not ding you with them anymore. (Then you'd feel emotionally safe with her again. Then you'd be able to start telling her emotional confidences as one friend to another.)
The approach depends on your desire/goal for this relationship and where you want to take it, and if she shares the same goal for the relationship and is willing to work with you toward that -- be it "friends only," or "part ways, be polite acquaintances," or whatever seems to work best.
Are you willing to work on repairing the broken trust? Is she? It takes two to tango. Trust repair will not happen otherwise. And without that, you will not be able to trust again.
You are human. You are going to have feelings. Make peace with that.
It is difficult because you are not choosing to "talk the talk and walk the walk" consistently. You are mixing and matching still. Choose do the behavior required to meet your goals with commitment to yourself and your best health.
It is that simple. Pick what your goal is. What do you want? DECIDE. Then in your talking, thinking, and behaviors, align yourself toward that.
If the goal is to be friends, but not lovers, see if she shares the same goal. I, personally, would not want to be her lover. If you have buried the hatchet and made peace on that part, that's good. But don't open yourself to more of that lover-betrayal stuff. Trying to have a friendship, not a love relationship, is what is on your plate right now, or at least that's how I read your desire/goal from your previous post.
Agree to take a time out to gather yourself back together, post breakup, on your own, with other people. Do not talk to each other, or at least not in any deep way, and not about the breaking-up feelings. Those are best shared with other "neutral" people. Your ex is not a neutral person.
Meet up once the freshness of the breakup is past, and then be friends. Do friend things. Do not talk to her about your attraction to her. Don't get in bed together. You know what friend-appropriate and not friend-appropriate behaviors are, right? Make a commitment to yourself to keep it there, in your talk and in your walk.
Guard against temptation to fuzz up the boundaries. Call her into account if she does. Have her call you into account if you do.
Over time, you will find the "new normal." You will be friends with your ex and it won't be a THING. But if you keep making it be a THING because you are not clear in your goals, not clear in your talk or your walk, you are creating "confusion suffering" for yourself that you don't need to tote around. Take it one day at a time, this business of finding the new normal. Remember to lift up your goal to yourself and hold yourself accountable to that. Make that commitment to yourself and see if you feel better in time.
You can do this. I believe in you. You could believe in yourself too.
Straighten yourself out.
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