Need advice! Latin lover - dancing and deep connection

[Clairelune]

Hola!! I would need advice on deepening a relationship with a monogamous partner while keeping my primary relationship unchanged.

I would really appreciate hearing from people who have navigated something similar.

I am married, and my husband knows about this relationship and fully accepts it. We have children together, and my marriage and family are very important to me. I am not looking to replace my primary relationship or change my existing life structure.

A few years ago, I developed a very intense connection with another man. He is single, identifies as monogamous, and is currently dating other women.

What makes this relationship so special is that we have incredible chemistry—emotionally, physically, and sexually. We’re both Latin, and we definitely have that passionate “Latin lovers” energy. One of the biggest parts of our connection is dancing. We both love it, and I’ve never met anyone who shares that passion with me the way he does. Dancing together feels almost as intimate as sex, and our physical connection is unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

Over time, we have become increasingly important in each other’s lives. We’ve traveled together, shared meaningful experiences, and I’ve met members of his family. Recently, we took a very emotional trip to his home country, and I felt our relationship deepen even more.

The challenge is that I’m confused about how this relationship can realistically evolve.

He tends to “go with the flow.” He shows love through actions much more than words and avoids defining the relationship. At one point, he told me that he would like me to be exclusive with him (within the boundaries of my marriage). At the same time, he continues dating other women.

What complicates this for me is that I also recognize my own limitations. I cannot offer him a primary partnership or a larger role in my life without changing my marriage, and I don’t want to do that. Because of that, I’m not sure it’s fair for me to ask him not to date other people when I cannot offer him more than I already do.

I’ve also realized that what I want most isn’t necessarily exclusivity. What I crave is a stronger sense of reciprocity and mutual investment. Sometimes I feel like we’re building something meaningful together, and other times I struggle with the ambiguity.

I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Have any of you successfully deepened a relationship with someone who identifies as monogamous while your primary relationship remained unchanged?
• How did your relationship evolve over time?
• How do you view his request for exclusivity from me while continuing to date other women himself? Is that something you’ve encountered before? Does it make sense in this context, or does it suggest mismatched expectations?
• What kinds of agreements helped create emotional security without trying to force the relationship into labels?
• Is it realistic to expect a relationship like this to continue deepening, or do these relationships usually reach a natural ceiling?
• If you were in my position, what conversations would you have next?

Thank you so much!

 

[ref2018]

If this man is monogamous, then he is probably just dating around until he finds someone to marry or settle down with. The two possible outcomes would be either he dates you until he meets someone he gets serious with, or he dates you until you decide to choose him and leave your husband to be monogamous with the dance partner.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you can change other people to suit your fantasy. Find people who share the same fantasy as you instead.

 

[IndieSolo]

he told me that he would like me to be exclusive with him (within the boundaries of my marriage).

What exactly does that mean? What would that kind of arrangement look like?

I’m not sure it’s fair for me to ask him not to date other people when I cannot offer him more than I already do.

I’ve also realized that what I want most isn’t necessarily exclusivity.

Of course not. How could you offer exclusivity? Polyfidelity, sure, but not exclusivity. However, the way I see it, polyfidelity can only work if everyone agrees to live by that. It isn't polyfidelity if one person practices it but others do not.

I gotta say, this guy isn't right for a committed relationship with you. He wants to do what he wants and fuck other people but expects you to also do what he wants and be faithful to him. Maybe he'd be ok as a FWB, but you seem very caught up in a fantasy daydream about how you feel when you're with him. I caution you to step back, get your feet on the ground, and slow down so you can look at the reality of your interactions instead of letting yourself be swept up in the headiness of all these thoughts you've been having, such as "I’ve never felt this way with anyone before" and "our physical connection is unlike anything I’ve experienced before." I mean, so what? It's more important to figure out whether or not he is a good candidate for a relationship with you.

I cannot offer him a primary partnership or a larger role in my life without changing my marriage, and I don’t want to do that.

Then don't. I see no reason why you should, or why you think you have to come up with some kind of alternative that would please him.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Clairelune,

It sounds like you are on the right track, your husband already knows and accepts, and that's what you need before starting a relationship with someone new. You just keep going out with the new man, that relationship will deepen naturally, and keep your husband posted on how that is going.

If the new man wants you to be exclusive to him, then he should be willing to be exclusive with you. He sounds like quite a romantic treasure, it is not easy to avoid becoming a member of his harem. I would tell him straight up that you expect the same level of exclusivity that he requires of you.

You do not have to force the relationship into labels, you just need it to be fair to both of you (all three of you -- you, the new man, and your husband). I can see him having maybe one other partner, as you have your husband. However, I would not consent to something exclusive, I would want him to limit himself too.

Regards,
Kevin T.