Need Advise, Unusual Relationship Start and Hurting...

[PolyCouple2013]

Let me start by explaining the relationships background and the current standings so I can get the best advice on the situation.

My ex (wife) and I started exploring polyamory because it was something that seemed to feel was right for us. We were happily married and met a wonderful woman who wanted to explore the world of polyamorous relationship with both of us.

What made this different was that she did not live very close to us so things started out as a long distance relationship (LDR). Things seemed to go well for months as everyone got along well and talks about her finally being able to move closer to our area became a reality.

The reality became a nightmare as my ex did not seem to practice the same kind of relationship everyone else thought we were exploring. She began to cheat on both of us did not discuss her other partners or interest with the others in the relationship first. She even went as far as to try to hide these outside relationships from the group.

My ex is no longer in the relationship because of all this but the events of everything hurt the rest of the relationship by delaying a more permanent meeting between me and the other woman.

She stayed where she was and even asked if she could find another to bring into our relationship who lived closer to where she lived. I agreed.

She found a great guy and I could tell they both really liked each other (now love). However now my situation is completely reversed from what it once was ironically. I am now the one who is in a LDR with a poly couple.

We have all met in person and video chat when we can while I am in the process of transferring work to be closer to them both. He has never been in this type of relationship and is willing to try it and I have not had much experience in it but she has been.

The problem is I have known her for so long (close to a year) and we have connected emotionally and mentally but have not had a lot of time to grow the relationship naturally together in person.

I get to see them both grow naturally in all these areas while my own aspect in the relationship is stunted until I can be there for both of them (however she is the pivot in the "V" right now but I am friends with her other boy friend).

I am fine seeing them laughing, joking, cuddling but when then are more romantic or touching turns into playful erotic touches it really bothers me (making me feel like I may become a second or not have what they do) and hurts me inside. They have tried to include me in that level of intimacy online but I have explained to them that it hurts my feelings as I want to experience the love in person not through a screen.

I know I am probably feeling jealous at the relationship I wish I could have with them but knowing this does not help ease the pain of it all. I know the LDR and the fact two relationships are needing to be established at the same time are hurting things (as most polyamorous relationships I have read about seem to form from an established couple and then a third is brought into the relationship to be loved by one or all partners if it grows that way).

Recently they showed me some "toys" they bought and again I was forced into a part of the relationship that I could not experience in my own growth with her and it hurt so much inside.

I really love her and I could see he and I becoming really good friends at the very least but for the first time I had doubts if I could handle this reality of being forced to watch them grow so much while I am not able to grow in the relationship. She says she loves me and wants me to be apart the relationship as much as her other boyfriend is now.

I am fine with the idea of them doing these things but seeing them is a different story or being thrust into it so fast really hurts me inside. I don't know if this is her way of trying to include me or open up or whatever.

Is this something normal that others experience?

Is there any advice on my situation?

I don't want to give up on them but I can't keep hurting like this either..

 

[Bluebird]

If you are looking to stay a vee, and not become a triad, seeing him interact with her in intimate ways isn't necessary. I would recommend you to ask them to not share so much with you.

 

[bookbug]

I think what you are experiencing is envy - and understandably so.

It sounds like your relationships with your gf and her other bf are really pretty good, but the external circumstances surrounding the relationship, namely the LDR part, sucks. The question is, is the problem the LDR part? And you are simply experiencing envy? Or would the hurt continue to exist even if you all lived close?

I think in order to weed out what factors are contributing, it might be helpful for you to take a vacation and spend time with your gf. See if the issue dies down when you are present and can experience the intimacy with her that they are now sharing.

Also, the turmoil of the break-up with your ex can't be easy. I don't know how long ago that happened, but it takes awhile to recover. My dearly loved friend, the Philosopher, has now been separated from his ex, with the divorce just now final, for a year and a half. The three of us had been involved. If I had not already been in the picture, he would not even have attempted a new relationship yet. As such we are taking it very slow. Like us, you already had a gf in the picture. The question is would you be pursuing a new relationship at this point if she wasn't?

 

[Magdlyn]

Go to her! Take a vacation, get on a plane, and get with her in person!

Never mind her "bringing another guy into the relationship." That's hogwash. She can have 2 male lovers, and you 2 guys can be as close or as distant as you both wish. Anywhere from polite acquaintances to full on, full penetration lovers. That is entirely separate from how you feel about your gf.

So, go see her. It sounds like you've never actually met in the flesh, and it's been a year! What are you waiting for?

Oops, I reread and I see you have met both of them in person. Once? Maybe? If you really want to make this happen, and it involves relocating, make sure you have a contingency plan for if it doesn't work out. Will you be easily able to find work and a home in her area? It would be a bad mistake to just move in with her... Even if you've been carrying on a mostly online relationship for a "long time" (a year) things will be very different in person and in the day to day. Dating, the infatuation stage, general lifestyle questions, need to be tested and grown through in person before diving in to cohabitation.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

The question is, is the problem the LDR part? And you are simply experiencing envy? Or would the hurt continue to exist even if you all lived close?

That is what we are all hoping is just the absence of the little things that LDR makes impossible combined with hopefully is just envy. When we were all together, things like them cuddling or non-deep kissing did not bother me but rather made me happy (because I was seeing the person I love being happy).

I think in order to weed out what factors are contributing, it might be helpful for you to take a vacation and spend time with your gf. See if the issue dies down when you are present and can experience the intimacy with her that they are now sharing.

Again we (everyone in our poly relationship) agree that I need to get there (waiting on job in the area to offer formal proposal) so that I can spend time with them both, one as a love interest and the other as a friendship to let the relationship grow into whatever it was meant to be.

Also, the turmoil of the break-up with your ex can't be easy. I don't know how long ago that happened, but it takes awhile to recover. My dearly loved friend, the Philosopher, has now been separated from his ex, with the divorce just now final, for a year and a half. The three of us had been involved. If I had not already been in the picture, he would not even have attempted a new relationship yet. As such we are taking it very slow. Like us, you already had a gf in the picture. The question is would you be pursuing a new relationship at this point if she wasn't?

To be honest If she was not already in the picture, probably not. It is a rough period of adjust leaving someone you were so emotionally invested in and had been with for so long. I am confident that what happened in that past relationship will only strengthen this new adjusted "vee".

Even when I hurt seeing them, I never had any other bad feelings about either of them, I do care about them both in different ways and I do know they care. It just seems like we are all in an unusual start for this type of relationship and we are all making rookie mistakes but we are still not giving up on each other and I think that gives me the most hope and good feelings moving forward into the future.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

If you are looking to stay a vee, and not become a triad, seeing him interact with her in intimate ways isn't necessary. I would recommend you to ask them to not share so much with you.

Yeah, we all had a long talk the other night about the situation. Yes they were more... progressed? (not sure if that is the best word to describe it) in their relationship than with hers and mine. They wanted to do something to make me feel included in that level of intimacy that they share with each other.

I was not ready for that as that is, as you are most likely right about, a "triad" style/type of relationship that had not naturally grown to that. So they understand what happened and that I was not ready for "that" level in the relationship yet.

However I do understand what they were trying to do and it does make me feel good that everyone is caring about each other and trying to make things work for everyone involved.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

Never mind her "bringing another guy into the relationship." That's hogwash. She can have 2 male lovers, and you 2 guys can be as close or as distant as you both wish. Anywhere from polite acquaintances to full on, full penetration lovers. That is entirely separate from how you feel about your gf.

It doesn't bother me that she brought someone in. I am just thankful she found such a great person to bring in that seems to have several similar interests in common, not to mention a great taste in women (acceptable joke hopefully?).

I am confident that he and I can become great friends. Not sure on physical lovers (relationship may or may not grow into triad that way), but that doesn't mean we couldn't grow into having a very deep emotional bond that physical lovers have sans the physical intimacy part (again if the relationship grows into that style of triad).

I think part of the problem when we all had a discussion about it was that they wanted to include me on what they had but I was not ready for that and she especially doesn't want me to feel like a secondary? (wants me to feel that I am treated the same as her other lover in every respect). So I guess we all were making some fairly common mistakes for a group of people new to this type of relationship.

Oops, I reread and I see you have met both of them in person. Once? Maybe? If you really want to make this happen, and it involves relocating, make sure you have a contingency plan for if it doesn't work out. Will you be easily able to find work and a home in her area? It would be a bad mistake to just move in with her... Even if you've been carrying on a mostly online relationship for a "long time" (a year) things will be very different in person and in the day to day. Dating, the infatuation stage, general lifestyle questions, need to be tested and grown through in person before diving in to cohabitation.

Yes, sadly we have only met once. I took a little vacation to do it and it was sadly delayed for so long due to the break up with my ex. I do want to make this happen and I have been talking to everyone in our relationship on status and what needs to happen to make this happen. The biggest delay is final approval from work in their area as I already have the funds to do a full out move tomorrow if there is work waiting for me there.

I know how different a relationship LDR can be when in person. I had a successful one post LDR for 4 years. LDR is actually harder to do once you have met and cannot meet often in person (2-4 hour trip vs. 12 hour trip). The fact that we have built such a strong emotional bond over the year does make it difficult (as it made her other envious of that connection which after a couple of months he seems to be okay now).

Some things I do worry about is because of the LDR, I feel that I will still have day 1 strength new relationship energy (NRE) with her (not sure if she will with me) and I worry about making her other lover feel awkward because of that (especially if she has NRE for me as well). But with how we all want to make it work with everyone in the relationship I am sure this and what ever other things every poly relationship faces should not worry me too much.

The only thing that is a more serious concern is the exit strategy as I am taking a risk relocating there and it would take me awhile to relocate again if needed. When it was talks of her moving to where my ex and I lived, we had an exit strategy set up for her. However with the roles reversed that is not easily done (as she had places she could go back to immediately such as family).

We plan to start with everyone in their own places (i.e. I will not be staying with either and they are not living together either) with possibly her staying at both our places in the future, or if the relationship really grows strong that we all eventually share one roof.

I am definitely not trying to rush anything in this relationship as I want it to grow naturally like any other relationship should.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

Thank you for all the replies and advice on this thus far. This is all still very new for everyone in our relationship and for me especially as I will be moving to start my new life in my new relationship with my couple.

 

[FarAwayLover]

I know how different a relationship LDR can be when in person. I had a successful one post LDR for 4 years. LDR is actually harder to do once you have met and cannot meet often in person (2-4 hour trip vs. 12 hour trip).

What is a "successful one post LDR"? And what trip takes 2-4 hours and what trip takes 12 hours?

Thanks, and good luck! It sounds like you all have your heads on straight and are thinking about each other.

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
Artemis (previously A) - 66? - Jacques's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things

 

[PolyCouple2013]

What is a "successful one post LDR"? And what trip takes 2-4 hours and what trip takes 12 hours?

Typo, I have been in a LDR previously that became a normal relationship for over 4 years after the LDR environment ended. Basically first Poly LDR but not first LDR if that makes any sense.

As for the trip times, that was just to show how someone might be in a LDR that the other person is only a couple hours away as to someone who lives across country or even in another hemisphere. Sadly my closest LDR from my experience is about 800 miles away (12 hours). Any LDR is difficult but I would gladly trade my 12 hours for someone who only had to travel 2-4 hours to see the one they loved. But I will be relocating to soon to remedy that and end the LDR elements for good in our current poly relationship.

Thanks, and good luck! It sounds like you all have your heads on straight and are thinking about each other.

Thanks! We are all very new to poly (me being the oldest in the group oddly), and we are trying to do it right (or as right as we can!) we even talked about seeing a poly friendly (one who not only knows about poly, is non-bias about it, and has had experience with poly couples) therapist when we are all together just to make sure we give the relationship the healthy start it needs in such a complicated style of relationship.