Need Help/New to this

[Sasha2]

Hi,

Im new here, new to this. I need advise and I made a mistake earlier and went to a regular relationship forum and boy did that cause me trouble. Most people tottally reject this idea and were more then willing to tell me to leave my boyfriend in a huff plus make other judgements about my situation they werent willing to even listen to. I think this is the place for me finally.

Ive been living with my boyfriend for a year now and its been real good, except for a few complications. Since the beginning so I cant act surprised at this point, he did tell me that he was into free love, he didnt use these words but you get what I mean. I wasnt happy about it and actually I ignored this in the beginning because I was so in love with him apart of me didnt care. I just pushed it in the back of my mind and hoped it would go away. Well, a year has gone by and he hasnt acted on this, so now Im having doubts as to whether or not he has really been serious about this or maybe using this as a means to not have to commit and still have a sense of freedom in his life.

The problem is he still brings this subject up how ever and only does it when there is some kind of problem in our relationship. Im only observing. I mean he brings up sleeping with another women when he becomes defensive in a conversation about our relationship. Meaning Im wondering if he is just crying wolf in order to gain control and the upper hand in our relationship. There is no way I can know for sure, except I feel I need to still take heed to his words and be prepared in case this does happen. I am so afraid this is going to tottally devaste me.

This is confusing because on one hand he tells me how important I am to him and how much he loves me with such intensity. He doesnt want me to leave, He wants me here with him. But at the same time he tells me that some day he may go off and have sex with some gorous blonde. How am I supposed to deal with this? Hes a man with a rough background. Hes been seriously hurt by a women who was suppose to marry him but took him for every thing, the same with an ex wife of his so I can understand his reluctance to commit to anyone at this point, but still my gut is telling me he uses this poly idea as a defense mechanism. How ever, I dont want to bank on that, I want to get myself emotionally prepared incase he actually does this. I need help. Thanks for listening. Sasha2

 

[JK40]

The first thing that comes to my mind is you have to both agree this is something you want. So I think you need to spend some time by yourself thinking is this the lifestyle for you, how are you going to feel when he has a new partner? Then can you see yourself with another partner?
What if your new partner wants another? It's all things to be considered. Decide if you really want this lifestyle, or if you feel you have to accept it to keep your boyfriend. If the latter you need to think if that is the right reason to accept it.

Once you have given it more thought then is the time to openly discuss it with your boyfriend. That is the only way you are really going to know if he is using it as a barganing chip or if he really wants it.

Whatever you decide it has to be your decision alone. Try not to let others pressure you. Yes i became poly after someone I met told me they were, but I researched it a lot and decided yes I wanted this.

Good luck either way, and let us know how things go.

 

[Marcus]

I see two distinct parts in the issue you are working through.

I mean he brings up sleeping with another women when he becomes defensive in a conversation about our relationship. Meaning Im wondering if he is just crying wolf in order to gain control and the upper hand in our relationship. There is no way I can know for sure, except I feel I need to still take heed to his words and be prepared in case this does happen.

When someone drops a traumatic issue into an intense or emotional discussions like this, it is not a good sign. I call this "weaponizing" a topic. So regardless of whether or not he's crying wolf, this is a pattern that I suggest addressing calmly, but firmly, in the moment:

"I don't think that is related to what we are talking about. If you want to have that conversation let's do so, but not while we are already in the middle of an emotional discussion"​

This is it's own issue, and it is centered on adult communication and handling ones emotions in a constructive way.

I am so afraid this is going to tottally devaste me.

This is centered on what you want and where you values are, as JK40 said. This one is self-exploration and being honest with yourself.

Do you want to be in a polyamorous association? If not, you are currently with someone who has clearly stated that they are (or intend on going down a road of) polyamorous. I would take a hard, honest look at that.

 

[Shaya]

Hi Sasha,

I'm also new to these forums. I'm Shaya. I hope people don't confuse the two of us.

Much of the hurt we throw at our spouses during an argument is not what we mean but is merely a reflection of what we feel at the time.

Maybe you and your boyfriend could talk about this when feeling happy about each other and agree to not bring up the topic whilst hurt or angry?

Also, being not actually polyamorous myself, I'm curious about how a relationship forum for advice would argue this from a monogamous standpoint and was wondering if you'd be comfortable sharing the link to the relationship website you posted on where they gave poor advice?

Finally, it seems that your partner has not come across the word polyamory before, but is trying to talk to you about ethical non monogamy. There's many types of ethical non monogamy. The book "opening up" by Tristan Taormino also describes several types of ethical non monogamy. You and your partner may find that you prefer another model of ethical non monogamy, but if polyamory really is what you want, here are a few resources I found helpful.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Sasha2,

I think there are two steps you need to do here. The first step is figuring out whether you can stand polyamory (or other ethical nonmonogamy), the second step is sitting down with your boyfriend, at a time when there's no arguments in the air, and ask him plainly if he is inclined to live nonmonogamously. There is a risk that you might conclude you need to break up with him, but that risk will be run anyway, except the breakup will be a lot messier if you haven't had this conversation with him.

Hopefully you won't have to break up, I'd like the two of you to stay together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

Since the beginning so I cant act surprised at this point, he did tell me that he was into free love, he didnt use these words but you get what I mean. I wasnt happy about it and actually I ignored this in the beginning because I was so in love with him apart of me didnt care. I just pushed it in the back of my mind and hoped it would go away. Well, a year has gone by and he hasnt acted on this

Sharing my personal experience. When I got together with Spexy, I was single and looking for no one. I don't believe in monogamy. When we got together, I was very upfront that even if we don't have another partner to our dying breath or I die single, I'm never going to promise monogamy. After being with him, I am not interested in collecting more partners (I wasn't looking for him either - it just happened).

Cue to 2 years later. Spexy gets close to another woman, and assuming we have an open marriage, proceeds to get into a relationship with her with complete disregard for my consent. Things got much worse before they got better. I found this forum during those days too. We are together closer than ever before, but one massive lesson was the lack of communication even when there was no other relationship on the horizon, and again isn't now.

Massive learning was that just because we hadn't looked for the partners didn't mean we didn't need to discuss the possibility that always was on the table. Both of us now have a very clear idea of what to do if either of us is interested in someone.

so now Im having doubts as to whether or not he has really been serious about this or maybe using this as a means to not have to commit and still have a sense of freedom in his life.

The group can't tell you this. Whether he is still interested in poly is for him to know. You should ask him. There is a definite sense of freedom - at least for me - in explicitly denying monogamy. Because we don't have other partners, sometimes it is easy to slide into monogamous thinking. Then I get claustrophobic and land up here just to solidly engage on the subject of polyamory even if I don't want a lover right now. In a way, I am asserting my rejection of monogamy and belief in poly without finding another lover to make a point rather than because I want one.

The problem is he still brings this subject up how ever and only does it when there is some kind of problem in our relationship. Im only observing. I mean he brings up sleeping with another women when he becomes defensive in a conversation about our relationship. Meaning Im wondering if he is just crying wolf in order to gain control and the upper hand in our relationship.

You should discuss this. It could be that he is being mean and "weaponising" polyamory to make you feel insecure and compromise in a way he prefers. It could also be that the problem is that he is feeling like he is sliding into monogamy and needs to assert that he is not actually monogamous - regardless of the number of partners. In which case he isn't weaponising poly, but asserting his ground rule that he may be feeling is getting overlooked. This happens very often to me. I landed up here after my engagement with Spexy this time But almost every time I have landed up here other than the first time, it has been because I need to BE poly, talk poly, state my beliefs when world around seems to be in vampire romance - one true love - mode.

There is no way I can know for sure, except I feel I need to still take heed to his words and be prepared in case this does happen.

Of course there is a way. ASK HIM!!! If you can't trust him to tell you honestly you have bigger problems than poly - you don't appear to have a healthy relationship!

I am so afraid this is going to tottally devaste me.

This is sounding like a big problem. Short of being some bizarre kind of mental abuser (there are easier ways to do it than lie about something as obscure as poly), there is no reason why someone would say they are poly and not mean it. If his acting on being poly is going to devastate you, but you are already in a relationship knowing he is poly, you have a big problem and I suggest you discuss this urgently instead of waiting for something to explode. Right now you will be able to discuss poly and even give it a mental shot to see if you can adapt while it is hypothetical. If you ignore it and wait for it to go away, you will forever have the other shoe waiting to fall on you and when it falls, you will have to cope with the reality of it with no preparation, discussion, understanding of mutual needs.

This is confusing because on one hand he tells me how important I am to him and how much he loves me with such intensity. He doesnt want me to leave, He wants me here with him. But at the same time he tells me that some day he may go off and have sex with some gorous blonde.

That is the "poly" part of it, no? If he had to fall out of love with you before he fell for someone else, he'd be monogamous.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

I have no idea. I'm not wired monogamous. The idea that my partner cannot be loved by others because I exist makes me feel like I'm depriving his life of love instead of enriching it. I am not able to imagine feeling joy that my partner cannot express love he feels because of me.

But clearly you don't think like that. I don't know how you deal with it. I guess thinking it through, examining what you need from the relationship, etc. Perhaps you will find that as long as you feel loved by him, you don't feel insecure by him loving as many others as bring him joy. And perhaps you will never deal with it - in which case, if this man is really poly, he may be wonderful, but he is wrong for you.

On one of my classic snarky sidenotes: I don't know why people make such a big deal about other lovers. I've seen more marriages lost to work pressure than other lovers. I prefer to have a default that commits us both to nurturing the relationship and everything else is fine if that is fine. Work, lovers, travel, friends...

Hes a man with a rough background. Hes been seriously hurt by a women who was suppose to marry him but took him for every thing, the same with an ex wife of his so I can understand his reluctance to commit to anyone at this point, but still my gut is telling me he uses this poly idea as a defense mechanism.

I highly recommend against imagining you know anyone better than they know themselves - particularly in explicit contradiction to what they say. You could be right - and it will still be no use to you. You could be wrong and find out with terrible emotional cost.

How ever, I dont want to bank on that, I want to get myself emotionally prepared incase he actually does this. I need help.

You are right. Don't bank on it at all. Be not just emotionally prepared, but accepting of the partner you are commiting to, or you will end up just wasting more time before a fresh start without him. I would say initiate conversations trying to understand how he sees polyamory - various people see it variously. See how you feel about it. Ask to know about or meet someone he may be interested/involved in. If nothing, as a mental exercise, think of him as possibly being involved with some woman he interacts with - even if he isn't - it is a good mental exercise to get a very real idea of how you'd feel about it.

Also discuss why he does not date other women other than bringing them up at stressful points in your relationship - perhaps you could be right - perhaps it could be something else. Don't wait for things to sour between you and him to bring up polyamory. Bring it up in a loving moment. Try to understand where he stands when he is not reacting to something.

Talk, talk, talk. Anything, everything. Hypothetical situations. Comfort zones. What if you found someone else too? Would you being mono be enough for you while he is poly? Or do you need both to be mono? Or both to be poly? What is an affair? At what point do you tell a partner before proceeding? What conditions must be met between the two of you before getting involved with someone else? Whatever. Keep talking.

Till you think you can rest with how you feel on the issue.

At the very least, don't stop talking while the two of you are on different sides of the mono-poly issue.