Need help..when texting sexting interfers

Kittykatz2020

New member
Hi there,
I am brand new to this site and also brand new to this idea of polyamory for myself on my partner. We have been playing with the idea opening a relationship for about 3 years and recently had our first interactions with external singles as we move towards having additional sexual experiences outside of our 13-year relationship. We are still attempting to set boundaries and decide what that looks like as we learn about this lifestyle and begin seeking other people to either play with or meet with. I'm setting boundaries I'm very aware that we want to be careful not to be controlling the other person but also setting enough boundaries so that each of us both feel safe and secure in our relationship with each other. Some of my confusion and concern has been around watching my partner text and sext consistently with other people as he explores meeting potential people for interactions and or possible relationships. For me this was definitely about exploration as well as building more open consensual lifestyle however I'm struggling with some things and I'm not sure if this is me trying to be controlling or if it's me just not understanding how to set better boundaries . An example I would like to share is that both my partner and I have joined various sites to chat with people. I tend to chat discreetly and we have been openly sharing texts and conversations with each other which have been exciting however I've also noticed that my partner is starting to choose having this conversations with other women when he is guessing then I'm not interested or available for intimacy. This has resulted in me 'catching' or interrupting his chat and play time online with potential partners while I'm in the other room assuming that he's just simply gone to bed. Also there have been times when I tried to reach out to him to chat with him with a sexy text (while I was in the same house) saw him online ..and after 10 minutes felt bad when he didn't respond to me and when I came up to talk to him he pretended he was asleep only to then admit he was just playing around and being silly but had been chatting online and masturbating with somebody else . while I know that he is chatting with other people this type of behaviour deciding to place me as a secondary interest for intimacy, makes me wonder how I can change or implement boundaries around this topic so that we don't keep having the same fight. I'm not sure if these feelings I'm having are normal or if these struggles are average or if I'm just need to figure out how to place these boundaries in our relationship so I do not feel as though he is using this opportunity to instead replace the energy of our relationship for energies and time with other people instead of me. we have discussed it and he assures me that I'm the most important person in his life however does not communicate well and when I bring up my feelings tends to get defensive and pulls away without trying to understand how this could be hurtful. I was hurt he just seems to react like I'm just instead judging and controlling him and not supporting his interests. How do people set boundaries for time with other people and time with your partners that does not involve texting chatting and sexting on a daily basis with external people. I want my cake and eat it too.. but how do I we set boundaries so that this doesn't happen again. It seems as we move closer to having intimacy with other people there's less intimacy in our relationship period and I was hoping for the opposite. In theory when we were talking about things it got us pretty hot and we had a lot of incredible months of activity between us intimacy until recently which now seems to be just three months into it leading into these negative spaces how do I keep it positive how does anybody keep it positive please tell me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Kittykatz2020,

It sounds like, instead of supplementing his relationship with you, your partner is replacing you with these other women he is texting/sexting with. The first question you should be asking, is, is he using an open relationship (with you) as a soft exit from that relationship? That is, when he finds a woman who checks all his boxes, will he hook up with her and break up with you? Is that the direction this is headed? or is he just caught up in all the new and shiny of these texts/sexts, and not doing a good job of keeping up on his relationship with you?

I wonder if the best thing to do might be to schedule time, certain times each day and/or each week, when you and he will focus exclusively on each other, and won't text/sext with anyone else. This way, you would not feel neglected, and he could feel good about doing right by you, while still having his conversations with other women.

These are just my initial thoughts on the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
It seems as we move closer to having intimacy with other people there's less intimacy in our relationship period and I was hoping for the opposite.
Just to clarify: Are you using the word "intimacy" to mean sex? Or are you talking about emotional closeness?
 
It sounds like you both need to have a conversation about how you manage privacy and having private time to do your own thing or chat with others while living in the same house. And also how you can still allow for spontaneity with each other and others as well. On face value, if partner hasn't responded in 10 min and it turns out he was mid-chat and sexy time with someone else online, it's really not unreasonable that he didn't respond to your message. He was literally in the middle of engaging with someone else. So in a sense you sort of barged in on him while he was having sex (be it online) with someone else. However, that doesn't detract from the fact that if part of your issue is that he's in general ignoring you and neglecting your needs, that is also an issue. So you both are going to have to work together to find a balance of what are your needs for each other, but then also how do you respect each other having individual time to do your own thing.

Maybe it will come down to something simple like a courteous note of "hey, I'm gonna go take some time to myself and do my own thing for a bit, I'll hang out with you a bit later." So then one of you knows that the other is occupied and expectations have been set.
 

Kittykatz2020

New member
Thanks for your response definitely I understand your point of view and can see how communication is the key.
In terms of barging in well if you think somebody's asleep and they're not responding then going to bed is not actually barging in it's actually just going to bed and discovering something you are not sure of and had no awareness of...only if I had prior knowledge would it be considered barging in.
 
Fair enough, it was more of an honest misunderstanding than barging in... well, honest mistake on your part but I would imagine to him it felt like being barged in on. Either way, it's an area where now you both know and can learn from experience. So in this instance, maybe it makes sense to agree that in the future a quiet knock on a close door is a reasonable expectation, so if no answer the person can assume sleeping, but it gives the person inside an opportunity to say "can you hold up a minute?" if they're occupied. Or maybe the ole' college sock on the door knob if someone knows they're taking private time. The other thing you'll both have to consider is how do you manage that sort of thing with shared rooms. I assume that is also your bedroom, so if he wants privacy to do his own thing but it's later at night..... what it you want to go to sleep? Do you guys have a guest room where you can both agree that if one of you is going to go sext/masturbate, then you can do that in the guest room so that the main bedroom is still free for the other person to use?

Basically, my point is that you both should take some of these recent experiences and talk through how you can reasonably balance respecting each other's privacy and ability to have private time, while also respecting your needs as a couple and to make sure your own needs are being met. Maybe you guys can agree that some number of nights a week are set aside as dedicated couple time, like a date night, so sexting with others is off the table because you're dedicating some time to each other, etc. But if you work through it jointly, then it's more about you both agreeing to what you each need to feel fulfilled in a relationship and how to respect each other, and then it will feel less like 1 person imposing rules on another. Best of luck to you!!
 

TXretired

Member
When we are going to chat with another partner we give each other space. First we communicate. If we are unable to plan ahead (one of us gets a call) we go in the bedroom and close the door. It is important for us to ensure we are open. This has prevented problems. There are enough obstacles in this process, why make it harder.
 

Kittykatz2020

New member
Fair enough, it was more of an honest misunderstanding than barging in... well, honest mistake on your part but I would imagine to him it felt like being barged in on. Either way, it's an area where now you both know and can learn from experience. So in this instance, maybe it makes sense to agree that in the future a quiet knock on a close door is a reasonable expectation, so if no answer the person can assume sleeping, but it gives the person inside an opportunity to say "can you hold up a minute?" if they're occupied. Or maybe the ole' college sock on the door knob if someone knows they're taking private time. The other thing you'll both have to consider is how do you manage that sort of thing with shared rooms. I assume that is also your bedroom, so if he wants privacy to do his own thing but it's later at night..... what it you want to go to sleep? Do you guys have a guest room where you can both agree that if one of you is going to go sext/masturbate, then you can do that in the guest room so that the main bedroom is still free for the other person to use?

Basically, my point is that you both should take some of these recent experiences and talk through how you can reasonably balance respecting each other's privacy and ability to have private time, while also respecting your needs as a couple and to make sure your own needs are being met. Maybe you guys can agree that some number of nights a week are set aside as dedicated couple time, like a date night, so sexting with others is off the table because you're dedicating some time to each other, etc. But if you work through it jointly, then it's more about you both agreeing to what you each need to feel fulfilled in a relationship and how to respect each other, and then it will feel less like 1 person imposing rules on another. Best of luck to you!!
Thank you again. Yes so much to learn from this new adventure and I am very happy I found this community to bounce ideas and concerns off.
Thank you again for your feedback I appreciate all of your tips and advice ❤️
 
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