Need some advice/support new to polyamory
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GroundedSpirit
New member
Potential
Hello Lovely,
My heart goes out to you too. And like others, I'm so impressed by how you are growing in this. I've lived a very similar situation too and can only share with you the discoveries I made.
My partner and I talked extensively about the issues of violation of trust that situations like this bring. But as we dug really deeply into things, we came to realize that although the "trust violation" was real, and seemed to make an easy scapegoat, underneath it was something more important.
These situations, and the almost inevitable violation of trust that comes with them, are really rooted in the worldview that we've created for ourselves, or, maybe more accurately, a worldview that was created FOR us. There were things we didn't know. There were untruths passed on to us.
When something like this surfaces, it really does shake the whole foundation of our carefully constructed and reinforced worldview, and that's really scary. It can happen in a lot of ways, but "love" is just one of them. It was our lack of knowledge, reinforced by society around us, that forced the violation of trust.
Most people have no background in how to approach this any other way. What they feel is real, and there's an inner knowledge that tells them they simply must act on that, but the "how" is missing. So we stumble, and struggle with how to deal with this new part of life we had no knowledge of.
If you think about it, if all of us were raised in an environment that taught us about such possibilities, and they were not demonized, then there would have been no need for a violation of trust, etc. We would have been prepared. It wouldn't have been an event that threatened to crumble the whole foundation of our worldview. We (hopefully) would have sat down from moment one and had the "guess what/who I just discovered" conversation, and things could have proceeded accordingly.
So now you are there. And you have a very special opportunity, because of the pre-existing closeness with your friend.
In my situation, it was such a special thing to watch that bridge get rebuilt between the two women, once everyone realized what we wished we'd all known from the beginning-- that really, there was no threat to anyone, only a threat to a worldview that was questionable at best, and at worst, maybe totally unrealistic.
So I hope you can can look at the wonderful potential that seems to exist for the three of you, and let it bond you even closer than before. It's these life experiences we share together that make our relationships so special to each other. And obviously this is even more the case (and potential) for you and your husband.
At least, that's what happened for me, and I hope the same for you.
Hello Lovely,
My heart goes out to you too. And like others, I'm so impressed by how you are growing in this. I've lived a very similar situation too and can only share with you the discoveries I made.
My partner and I talked extensively about the issues of violation of trust that situations like this bring. But as we dug really deeply into things, we came to realize that although the "trust violation" was real, and seemed to make an easy scapegoat, underneath it was something more important.
These situations, and the almost inevitable violation of trust that comes with them, are really rooted in the worldview that we've created for ourselves, or, maybe more accurately, a worldview that was created FOR us. There were things we didn't know. There were untruths passed on to us.
When something like this surfaces, it really does shake the whole foundation of our carefully constructed and reinforced worldview, and that's really scary. It can happen in a lot of ways, but "love" is just one of them. It was our lack of knowledge, reinforced by society around us, that forced the violation of trust.
Most people have no background in how to approach this any other way. What they feel is real, and there's an inner knowledge that tells them they simply must act on that, but the "how" is missing. So we stumble, and struggle with how to deal with this new part of life we had no knowledge of.
If you think about it, if all of us were raised in an environment that taught us about such possibilities, and they were not demonized, then there would have been no need for a violation of trust, etc. We would have been prepared. It wouldn't have been an event that threatened to crumble the whole foundation of our worldview. We (hopefully) would have sat down from moment one and had the "guess what/who I just discovered" conversation, and things could have proceeded accordingly.
So now you are there. And you have a very special opportunity, because of the pre-existing closeness with your friend.
In my situation, it was such a special thing to watch that bridge get rebuilt between the two women, once everyone realized what we wished we'd all known from the beginning-- that really, there was no threat to anyone, only a threat to a worldview that was questionable at best, and at worst, maybe totally unrealistic.
So I hope you can can look at the wonderful potential that seems to exist for the three of you, and let it bond you even closer than before. It's these life experiences we share together that make our relationships so special to each other. And obviously this is even more the case (and potential) for you and your husband.
At least, that's what happened for me, and I hope the same for you.
maca
New member
Hello Lovely,
I'm sorry it took me so long to get on the boards and read up on your situation.
LR is correct. I'm in the same situation that you find yourself in. I'll PM you little more in-depth look into my heart, but I wanted to give you a few pieces of advice to think on.
When I feel that rock sitting in my throat and my gut is twisting in knots, I ask myself a few questions (out loud, if no one is around
).
1) Does it mean my partner loves me less if she loves another?
2) Does her loving another mean she wants to replace me?
3) Does her loving another make me love her less?
As others on the board have said, it's okay, normal and good to have feelings and emotions. (If you didn't have any, you would be a shell of a person.) The key to remember is that you shouldn't react without first asking yourself what those feelings mean and where they come from. Words and actions can be apologized for, but the damage is done. These are wounds that heal, but always leave a scar.
I've read that you said your relationship has gotten much better after you both decided that it was okay to have multiple loves in your life. I think you will find that if you allow people to be able to be whole and complete, they will also be whole and complete with you.
Build on that love you two have. Spend lots of time talking and being real with yourself and each other. Now is the time to build the solid relationship that you and your husband want. You are on the right track, Lovely. Keep your mind and heart open, be true to yourself, and communicate with your husband, and also with Mary.
I have a lot of respect for you, Lovely. I'm here if you need to talk. PM LR if you want/need to chat to me. I'm working tons of hours, and have lots of things to get done in the next three months, but I'll be there if you need me.
Peace and love,
Maca
I'm sorry it took me so long to get on the boards and read up on your situation.
LR is correct. I'm in the same situation that you find yourself in. I'll PM you little more in-depth look into my heart, but I wanted to give you a few pieces of advice to think on.
When I feel that rock sitting in my throat and my gut is twisting in knots, I ask myself a few questions (out loud, if no one is around
).1) Does it mean my partner loves me less if she loves another?
2) Does her loving another mean she wants to replace me?
3) Does her loving another make me love her less?
As others on the board have said, it's okay, normal and good to have feelings and emotions. (If you didn't have any, you would be a shell of a person.) The key to remember is that you shouldn't react without first asking yourself what those feelings mean and where they come from. Words and actions can be apologized for, but the damage is done. These are wounds that heal, but always leave a scar.
I've read that you said your relationship has gotten much better after you both decided that it was okay to have multiple loves in your life. I think you will find that if you allow people to be able to be whole and complete, they will also be whole and complete with you.
Build on that love you two have. Spend lots of time talking and being real with yourself and each other. Now is the time to build the solid relationship that you and your husband want. You are on the right track, Lovely. Keep your mind and heart open, be true to yourself, and communicate with your husband, and also with Mary.
I have a lot of respect for you, Lovely. I'm here if you need to talk. PM LR if you want/need to chat to me. I'm working tons of hours, and have lots of things to get done in the next three months, but I'll be there if you need me.
Peace and love,
Maca
First, I would like to say that I am completely blown away by the support and kindness that has been shown to me. This has been a very isolating experience, because I am not sure exactly what to share with whom. The genuine care and support given here is amazing.
So, after a week of quiet contemplation, reading all the links that Loving Radiance gave me, and some crazy holiday preparations, I have realized that under all the pain and struggle are some concrete issues I can address.
I have to trust myself and the real love that my husband and I share. Because it's in my insecure moments, where I second guess myself or my marriage, or I am feeling hurt, that I react, without breathing, in ways that are damaging to me and my marriage. It is those moments that have added unnecessary stress and negativity in my life.
The good news is the one thing I have control over is how I choose to react to a situation. The bad news is that I am also held accountable for my reactions. I have realized that if I breathe before I react, and then express my feelings and needs, I will not not create the drama those feelings can stir up. I have never been a fan of drama in my life, and I don't like to admit that I have been the one creating it. Admission is the first step to elimination, right?
As a person, I am much better at expressing my feelings. The needs part is a little more difficult. But identifying my needs and having them met is another wonderful gift that this situation has created. So, the insights are happening regularly. Now the challenge is intentionally changing my patterns-- not as easy as the epiphany!
The day to day is getting easier. Time is helping. I think it was Redpepper who mentioned that routines get created and life continues on as things settle in. It does feel like that is happening, to a certain extent. And the relationship with my husband is the best it has been in years. Because of the limited time, our time together has more intention and intimacy.
I haven't spoken to Mary again. I am still struggling with being really ready to do the work to repair that relationship. Are there stories of successful long term V's where two are respectful and loving, but from a distance? I am guessing it depends on if your desired outcome is to create family.
So, after a week of quiet contemplation, reading all the links that Loving Radiance gave me, and some crazy holiday preparations, I have realized that under all the pain and struggle are some concrete issues I can address.
I have to trust myself and the real love that my husband and I share. Because it's in my insecure moments, where I second guess myself or my marriage, or I am feeling hurt, that I react, without breathing, in ways that are damaging to me and my marriage. It is those moments that have added unnecessary stress and negativity in my life.
The good news is the one thing I have control over is how I choose to react to a situation. The bad news is that I am also held accountable for my reactions. I have realized that if I breathe before I react, and then express my feelings and needs, I will not not create the drama those feelings can stir up. I have never been a fan of drama in my life, and I don't like to admit that I have been the one creating it. Admission is the first step to elimination, right?
As a person, I am much better at expressing my feelings. The needs part is a little more difficult. But identifying my needs and having them met is another wonderful gift that this situation has created. So, the insights are happening regularly. Now the challenge is intentionally changing my patterns-- not as easy as the epiphany!
The day to day is getting easier. Time is helping. I think it was Redpepper who mentioned that routines get created and life continues on as things settle in. It does feel like that is happening, to a certain extent. And the relationship with my husband is the best it has been in years. Because of the limited time, our time together has more intention and intimacy.
I haven't spoken to Mary again. I am still struggling with being really ready to do the work to repair that relationship. Are there stories of successful long term V's where two are respectful and loving, but from a distance? I am guessing it depends on if your desired outcome is to create family.
Maca, thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my situation. These questions are great. I have found myself asking them on a regular basis and they help me keep a healthy perspective on the situation. They are the only real questions that matter, in my opinion. Everything else is just about working it out!
crisare
New member
I think it does depend on one's desired outcome.
FWIW, I was in a very happy V for 2 years. My guy was married, with kids. I knew his wife socially, and to say "hi" to, and we were friendly and respectful of each other, but I had no desire to become a full-time part of his family. And she was happy enough for him to have a gf, but didn't want him to bring home a "second wife," as it were. Basically he had his home life (primary) and he had me (secondary).
I was very happy in that situation, and would have been happy for it to continue indefinitely, but things happened. We wound up splitting up, mostly due to his wife's jealousy and control issues, after he was diagnosed with a serious illness.
I would say that if the illness hadn't happened and brought up a lot of issues that most couples don't have to deal with, we would have remained in that relationship for a very long time. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be.