Need some advice/support new to polyamory
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GroundedSpirit
New member
Potential
Hello Lovely,
Our heart goes out to you too and like others, we're so impressed by how you are growing in this. We lived a very similar situation too and can only share with you the discoveries "we" made.
We've talked extensively about the issues of violation of trust also that situations like this bring. But as we dug really deep into things we came to realize that although the "trust violation" was real and seemed to make an easy scapegoat, underneath it was something more important. These situations and the almost inevitable violation of trust that comes with them are really rooted in our worldview that we've created for ourselves to that point. Or, maybe more accurately, a worldview that was created FOR us ! There were things we didn't know. There were untruths passed on to us. When something like this surfaces it really does shake the whole foundations of our carefully constructed & reinforced worldview. And that's REALLY scary. It can happen in a lot of ways but "love" is just one of them. It was our lack of knowledge, reinforced by society around us that forced the violation of trust. Most people have no background in how to approach this any other way. What they feel is real and there's an inner knowledge that tells them they simply MUST act on that, but the "how" is missing. So we stumble, struggle with how to deal with this new part of life we had no knowledge of.
If you think about it, IF all of us were raised in an environment that taught us about such possibilities and they were not demonized, then there would have been no need for a violation of trust etc. We would have been prepared. It wouldn't have been an event that threatened to crumble the whole foundation of our worldview. We (hopefully) would have sat down from moment one and had the "guess what/who I just discovered" conversation. And things could have proceeded accordingly.
So now you are there. And you have a very special opportunity because of the pre-existing closeness with your GF.
In our situation, it was such a special thing to watch that bridge get rebuilt between the two women once everyone realized what we wished we'd all known from the beginning. That really, there was no threat to anyone, only a threat to a worldview that was questionable at best and at worst, maybe totally unrealistic. So I hope you and she can look at the wonderful potential that seems to exist for the 3 of you and let it bond you even closer than before. It's these life experiences we share TOGETHER that make our relationships so special to each other. And obviously this is even more the case (and potential) for you and your husband.
At least, that's what happened for us and we hope the same for you !
GS
Hello Lovely,
Our heart goes out to you too and like others, we're so impressed by how you are growing in this. We lived a very similar situation too and can only share with you the discoveries "we" made.
We've talked extensively about the issues of violation of trust also that situations like this bring. But as we dug really deep into things we came to realize that although the "trust violation" was real and seemed to make an easy scapegoat, underneath it was something more important. These situations and the almost inevitable violation of trust that comes with them are really rooted in our worldview that we've created for ourselves to that point. Or, maybe more accurately, a worldview that was created FOR us ! There were things we didn't know. There were untruths passed on to us. When something like this surfaces it really does shake the whole foundations of our carefully constructed & reinforced worldview. And that's REALLY scary. It can happen in a lot of ways but "love" is just one of them. It was our lack of knowledge, reinforced by society around us that forced the violation of trust. Most people have no background in how to approach this any other way. What they feel is real and there's an inner knowledge that tells them they simply MUST act on that, but the "how" is missing. So we stumble, struggle with how to deal with this new part of life we had no knowledge of.
If you think about it, IF all of us were raised in an environment that taught us about such possibilities and they were not demonized, then there would have been no need for a violation of trust etc. We would have been prepared. It wouldn't have been an event that threatened to crumble the whole foundation of our worldview. We (hopefully) would have sat down from moment one and had the "guess what/who I just discovered" conversation. And things could have proceeded accordingly.
So now you are there. And you have a very special opportunity because of the pre-existing closeness with your GF.
In our situation, it was such a special thing to watch that bridge get rebuilt between the two women once everyone realized what we wished we'd all known from the beginning. That really, there was no threat to anyone, only a threat to a worldview that was questionable at best and at worst, maybe totally unrealistic. So I hope you and she can look at the wonderful potential that seems to exist for the 3 of you and let it bond you even closer than before. It's these life experiences we share TOGETHER that make our relationships so special to each other. And obviously this is even more the case (and potential) for you and your husband.
At least, that's what happened for us and we hope the same for you !
GS
maca
New member
Hello Lovely,
Sorry it took me so long to get on the boards and read up on your situation.
LR is correct in that Im in the same situation that you find yourself in. Ill Pm you little more indepth look into my heart but I wanted to give you a few pieces of advice to think on.
When you feel that rock sitting in your throat and your gut is twisting in knots. Ask yourself a few questions( I ask them out loud, if no one is around
). 1) Does it mean my partner loves me less if he loves another?
2) Does him loving another mean he wants to replace me? 3) does him loving another make ME love him less?
As others have said on the board its ok, normal and good to have feelings and emotions( if you didnt have any you would be a shell of a person) the key to remember is that you shouldn't REACT with out first asking yourself what do these feeling's mean and where do they come from? Words and actions can be apoligized for but the damage is done. These are wounds that heal but ALLWAYS leave a scar.
Ive read that you said your relationship has gotten much better after you both decided that it was ok to have multiple loves in your life. I think you will find that if you allow people to be able to be whole and complete they will also be whole and complete with YOU.
Build on that love you two have. Spend time communicating, lots of time talking and being real with yourself and each other.NOW is the time to build the solid relationship that you and your husband want.
You are on the right track Lovely. Keep your mind and heart open be true to yourself and communicate to your husband and also to Mary.
I have alot of respect for you Lovely, Im here if you need to talk. PM LR if you want/need to chat to me. Im working tons of hours and have lots of things to get done in the next 3 months but Ill be there if you need me.
Peace and Love
Maca
Sorry it took me so long to get on the boards and read up on your situation.
LR is correct in that Im in the same situation that you find yourself in. Ill Pm you little more indepth look into my heart but I wanted to give you a few pieces of advice to think on.
When you feel that rock sitting in your throat and your gut is twisting in knots. Ask yourself a few questions( I ask them out loud, if no one is around
). 1) Does it mean my partner loves me less if he loves another?2) Does him loving another mean he wants to replace me? 3) does him loving another make ME love him less?
As others have said on the board its ok, normal and good to have feelings and emotions( if you didnt have any you would be a shell of a person) the key to remember is that you shouldn't REACT with out first asking yourself what do these feeling's mean and where do they come from? Words and actions can be apoligized for but the damage is done. These are wounds that heal but ALLWAYS leave a scar.
Ive read that you said your relationship has gotten much better after you both decided that it was ok to have multiple loves in your life. I think you will find that if you allow people to be able to be whole and complete they will also be whole and complete with YOU.
Build on that love you two have. Spend time communicating, lots of time talking and being real with yourself and each other.NOW is the time to build the solid relationship that you and your husband want.
You are on the right track Lovely. Keep your mind and heart open be true to yourself and communicate to your husband and also to Mary.
I have alot of respect for you Lovely, Im here if you need to talk. PM LR if you want/need to chat to me. Im working tons of hours and have lots of things to get done in the next 3 months but Ill be there if you need me.
Peace and Love
Maca
First I would like to say that I am completely blown away by the support and kindness that has been shown to me. This has been a very isolating experience, because I am not exactly what to share with whom and the genuine care and support given here is AMAZING!
So after a week of quiet contemplation, reading all the links that Loving Radiance gave me and some crazy holiday preparations I have realized that under all the pain and struggle are some concrete issues I can address. I have to trust myself and the real love that my husband and I share. Because it's in my insecure moments, where I second guess myself or my marriage or I am feeling hurt, that I REACT without breathing in ways that are damaging to me and my marriage. It is those moments that have added unnecessary stress and negativity in my life. The good news is the one thing I have control over is how I choose to react to a situation, the bad news is that I am also held accountable for my reactions. I have realized if I can breathe before I react and then express my feelings and needs but not create the drama those feelings can stir up. I have never been a fan of drama in my life and I don't like to admit that I have been the one creating it, admission is the first step to elimination, right?. As a person I am much better at expressing my feelings, the needs part is a little more difficult...but identifying my needs and having them met is another wonderful gift that this situation has created. So the insights are happening regularly, now the challenge is intentionally changing my patterns. Not as easy as the epiphany!
The day to day is getting easier, time is helping. I think it was Redpepper who mentioned that routines get created and life continues on as things settle in. It does feel like that is happening to a certain extent. And the relationship with my husband is the best it has been in years. Because of the limited time, our time together has more intention and intimacy.
I haven't spoken to Mary again and I am still struggling with being really ready to do the work to repair that relationship. Are there stories of successful long term V's where two are respectful and loving but from a distance? I am guessing it depends on if your desired outcome is to create family.
So after a week of quiet contemplation, reading all the links that Loving Radiance gave me and some crazy holiday preparations I have realized that under all the pain and struggle are some concrete issues I can address. I have to trust myself and the real love that my husband and I share. Because it's in my insecure moments, where I second guess myself or my marriage or I am feeling hurt, that I REACT without breathing in ways that are damaging to me and my marriage. It is those moments that have added unnecessary stress and negativity in my life. The good news is the one thing I have control over is how I choose to react to a situation, the bad news is that I am also held accountable for my reactions. I have realized if I can breathe before I react and then express my feelings and needs but not create the drama those feelings can stir up. I have never been a fan of drama in my life and I don't like to admit that I have been the one creating it, admission is the first step to elimination, right?.
As a person I am much better at expressing my feelings, the needs part is a little more difficult...but identifying my needs and having them met is another wonderful gift that this situation has created. So the insights are happening regularly, now the challenge is intentionally changing my patterns. Not as easy as the epiphany! The day to day is getting easier, time is helping. I think it was Redpepper who mentioned that routines get created and life continues on as things settle in. It does feel like that is happening to a certain extent. And the relationship with my husband is the best it has been in years. Because of the limited time, our time together has more intention and intimacy.
I haven't spoken to Mary again and I am still struggling with being really ready to do the work to repair that relationship. Are there stories of successful long term V's where two are respectful and loving but from a distance? I am guessing it depends on if your desired outcome is to create family.
When you feel that rock sitting in your throat and your gut is twisting in knots. Ask yourself a few questions( I ask them out loud, if no one is around
2) Does him loving another mean he wants to replace me? 3) does him loving another make ME love him less?
Maca thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my situation. These questions are great, I have found myself asking them on a regular basis and help me keep a healthy perspective on the situation. And they are the only real questions that matter in my opinion. Everything else is just about working it out!
crisare
New member
I think it does depend on one's desired outcome.
FWIW, I was in a very happy V for 2 years. My guy was married w/ kids. I knew his wife socially and to say "hi" to and we were friendly and respectful of each other, but I had no desire to become a full time part of his family and she was happy enough for him to have a g/f, but didn't want him to bring in a "second wife" as it were. Basically he had his home life (primary) and he had me (secondary).
I was very happy in that situation and would have been happy for it to continue indefinitely, but ... things happened. We wound up splitting up mostly due to his wife's jealousy and control issues after he was diagnosed with a serious illness.
I would say that if the illness hadn't happened and brought up a lot of issues that most couples don't have to deal with, we would have remained in that relationship for a very long time. Unfortunately it wasn't to be.