Need some advice.

[farfie]

Hello.. I am not good with introductions nor am I any good at writing intros for any sort of post really so.. let's get into it.

I'm a Male to Female transsexual and I started hormone therapy in August/September in 2013. That same year I met Andreas, in late November. We quickly became enamoured with one another and since January we've been a couple. I'm 21 and he is 30.

This kind of serious relationship is very new to me as I'm not that old and I'm essentially experiencing a second puberty where I'm developing into the person I should've been instead of the detour I had. During the 3-4 latest months I've noticed that I've grown more and more polyamorous. I'm not only in love with Andreas but I have people around me that I am almost as drawn to as him.

Some time ago there was a mutual breach of trust. He went through my Skype logs and found sex chats with other people. Other people that I like. We talked a lot about it and there was a lot of hurt and sadness, but we managed to work through it. But, this incident underscores the problem.

During these latest couple of months and more recently I've developed outside the framework for our relationship. The foundation of our relationship was a BDSM one, in a typical Master/slave way. I find I've developed into more of a switch. My feelings for him have not changed and his for me haven't as well. We're still fine with the developments so far. But:

Today he went home after us having spent three weeks as a trial to see if we could live together and while it went well, I think that he enjoyed it more than I did. We are both extroverted individuals with a need for space, however he seems to not have as much of a problem with spending all of our free time together while I do. Sometimes I want space to be alone or with other people and I feel.. strangled with him so close. Like I can't move about in the usual manner.

I've also realized that further schisms and conflicts of interest exist due to him being monogamous and me polyamorous. These are unfortunate circumstances and when I started dating him I had no idea I'd develop in this way. I feel like crap because I've dragged him into this mess and I'm afraid I'll hurt him. Over these three weeks I've become further drawn to the idea of a 'single' life or polyamorous one where I'm living in an apartment of my own and am seeing multiple friends either with benefits or not and people I love.

He puts his faith in that giving our relationship more time will fix things. I do not have faith.. I have.. doubts. Doubts that it's not going to work at all. I'm becoming an adult. If I was a flower, I fear I'd be outgrowing my pot. But I fear that if this continues and if I try to conform to his needs and wants that I'll break myself and become unhappy.

He is the most loving and lovable person I've ever met. I've never felt this way for anyone before.. I don't know what to do in this situation and right now it's eating me from the inside.

 

[william81]

Have you had a conversation with him in which you express your desire to date other people? Does he know that you're polyamorous and that you desire more openness in the relationship?

There's no reason, if you both love one-another, that you can't develop the relationship into a more respectful, loving and open relationship. I think the key there is openness and honesty the whole way. Sometimes the hurt of discovering something outside of the relationship is a reaction to the perceived breach or trust or the secrecy than it is to the act itself.

What I would say is this: If the relationship is worth keeping - and it sounds like, on the balance, that it is - then work towards that goal unless the restrictions that he places on you are untenable.

 

[farfie]

1716

Have you had a conversation with him in which you express your desire to date other people? Does he know that you're polyamorous and that you desire more openness in the relationship?

There's no reason, if you both love one-another, that you can't develop the relationship into a more respectful, loving and open relationship. I think the key there is openness and honesty the whole way. Sometimes the hurt of discovering something outside of the relationship is a reaction to the perceived breach or trust or the secrecy than it is to the act itself.

What I would say is this: If the relationship is worth keeping - and it sounds like, on the balance, that it is - then work towards that goal unless the restrictions that he places on you are untenable.

I've not told him that I want to date other people. I am currently not that drawn to do it.. I think. He's aware of my feelings for other people though. I don't think he'd like a more open relationship. He is very possessive of me. He has told me that he's never felt this strongly for anyone else he's met before. I think his jealousy and anger would make him almost literally mad if he knew I was having sex with someone else.

The restrictions aren't untenable yet.. I think.

 

[william81]

That all having been said then, it sounds like you need to develop a both sense of safety/trust and an understanding of space in the relationship. Neither is terribly easy to develop - especially, in my experience, in the first ~6 months of the relationship - however the development of this understanding can be incredibly rewarding for both parties.

It's very easy to get stuck in an adversarial cycle in a relationship when you don't feel like you can trust the other person to be honest; that's something, in my experience, to avoid at all costs. If I can't trust my significant others to be open and honest with me, then it's never going to work.

I would sit down with him, lay everything out and try to figure out a framework for the relationship that you're both comfortable with.

 

[farfie]

That all having been said then, it sounds like you need to develop a both sense of safety/trust and an understanding of space in the relationship. Neither is terribly easy to develop - especially, in my experience, in the first ~6 months of the relationship - however the development of this understanding can be incredibly rewarding for both parties.

It's very easy to get stuck in an adversarial cycle in a relationship when you don't feel like you can trust the other person to be honest; that's something, in my experience, to avoid at all costs. If I can't trust my significant others to be open and honest with me, then it's never going to work.

I would sit down with him, lay everything out and try to figure out a framework for the relationship that you're both comfortable with.

We do have trust for each other. The earlier breach has been healed and he is aware of my sex chatting though he does not want to see me expressing love or need for physical contact with other people. We're beginning to understand how our relationship would be structured from these 3 weeks. If we're to live together I'd basically need a separate room. I don't know if that'd be enough though.

I'm quite sure he trusts me as well. I cannot guarantee that his and my relationship will develop in any certain path and he is aware of that.. Last time we talked I told him about my optimal way or ideal way of living. The whole friends with benefits or amorous relationships with several people ordeal. I also told him that we may have to prepare to go separate ways if this development continues.

Right now I'm starting to process these three weeks and on top of that the normal problems. I need to other people about this. Hence why I was drawn here.

 

[GalaGirl]

Why do you fear being honest? You do not want to live together, you do not want monogamy, you want to date others?

You say you fear speaking your truth since it will be hurting his feelings....why? He is not able to handle his emotional management in appropriate ways? He will set the house on fire? What?

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Part of dating is getting to know each other and sorting out preferences and compatibility.

Sometimes that includes breaking up. Break ups can be disappointing to process but it is not the end of the world. One heals and in time moves on.

You guys are adults. You each can handle adult dating. You will be ok... Speak your truth.

Galagirl

 

[farfie]

Why do you fear being honest? You do not want to live together, you do not want monogamy, you want to date others?

You say you fear speaking your truth since it will be hurting his feelings....why? He is not able to handle his emotional management in appropriate ways? He will set the house on fire? What?

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Part of dating is getting to know each other and sorting out preferences and compatibility.

Sometimes that includes breaking up. Break ups can be disappointing to process but it is not the end of the world. One heals and in time moves on.

You guys are adults. You each can handle adult dating. You will be ok... Speak your truth.

Galagirl

I have spoken to him. I care for him deeply while I do realize that relationships are transient intellectually, my emotions hold on to him. I have talked to him and told him that we may need to prepare for us having to part ways. He knows I don't want to live together or at the very least that it'll be difficult for me.

I'm not drawn to dating other people strongly enough to warrant breaking up with him. I don't feel unhappy being with him or knowing I belong to him. I think I'd be happier in my ideal world but I am content as it is. He is aware of my ideal world.

Maybe my coming here was completely useless. I already have a path planned ahead and it's slowly structuring itself..

I guess the reason I don't want to break up with him is because I care about him so much and that I'd probably lose a very, very good friend in the process. Shit.. Now is not the time though..

 

[GalaGirl]

I've not told him that I want to date other people.

What I am saying is... if you feel best dating him but NOT exclusively, and feel the need to reaffirm that because he's getting a bit tight and cozy and you don't want him assuming exclusivity here? Say so.

"I want to be sure we're on the same page here... I am not dating anyone right now, but you know I have not promised you exclusive, right? I would like reassurance you know this. I need things clear between us. "
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Do your part of the conversation without fear and trust he can handle his side.

I guess the reason I don't want to break up with him is because I care about him so much and that I'd probably lose a very, very good friend in the process

This is jumping to some future conclusion that may or may not happen.

If what you want is to remind him that you date him but not exclusively, could say so. Deal with one thing a time here. He might be good with that. Then what? No break up, no more stress, you get reassured like you need. That both are still on the same page after the living together experiment.

Be ok being up front and honest and authentic and risking experiencing non-doom.

If it ends up he wants exclusive at this point in time and you cannot do that? Be ok risking experiencing non-doom that way too. As a calm, friendly break-up because wants/needs have changed. It is possible to be friends post break up if both want it that way. Breaking up is not automatic doom.

Could sort it out. From the sound of it you are sort of "circling around it" but not actually having the conversation direct. And that behavior is contributing to your stress maybe?

Galagirl

 

[farfie]

you are sort of "circling around it" but not actually having the conversation direct. And that behavior is contributing to your stress maybe?

I'm trying to sort out my plan in my head. I'm trying to understand exactly what I want and what I don't want while not committing mistakes that I'll regret. I will talk to him about all this when he and I get together next time.