Need some help from a monogamous point of view.

[kdt26417]

Hello vrmm,

I am just wondering ... would you be okay in a relationship in which you were monogamous while your partner was polyamorous? I definitely see that you yourself want to practice monogamy but I wonder if you also need your partner/s to live monogamously. Or could you tolerate a mono/poly type relationship? Such a thing does exist and there are people who pull it off successfully. But it would have to be something you could imagine yourself tolerating. If you could, then it's conceivable that you and your (ex) girlfriend could eventually get back together and she could be honest with you instead of cheating. That is, if she wanted to get back together. I gather that it was she who broke up with you not the other way around, so it would kind of be up to her whether she wanted to get back together again.

If you definitely want mono/mono relationships in the future, then you know to inform your potential partners ahead of time: "I don't object to people being polyamorous in other relationships, but I personally only want to be partners with fellow monogamists. So if you are polyamorous, that is okay, but then you and I probably shouldn't be in a relationship with each other." And you could tell your ex, "I understand better now why you had the affairs, you wanted to be polyamorous while I did not want that. I have no problem with you living polyamorously now, I just realize that we are probably not a good match for each other. But I do forgive you for the affairs, I wanted you to know that." Not a conversation you have to have, but one you can have if that would help you to gain closure.

Breaking up is never fun; I feel bad that it happened to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vrmm]

Hello vrmm,

I am just wondering ... would you be okay in a relationship in which you were monogamous while your partner was polyamorous? I definitely see that you yourself want to practice monogamy but I wonder if you also need your partner/s to live monogamously. Or could you tolerate a mono/poly type relationship? Such a thing does exist and there are people who pull it off successfully. But it would have to be something you could imagine yourself tolerating. If you could, then it's conceivable that you and your (ex) girlfriend could eventually get back together and she could be honest with you instead of cheating. That is, if she wanted to get back together. I gather that it was she who broke up with you not the other way around, so it would kind of be up to her whether she wanted to get back together again.

If you definitely want mono/mono relationships in the future, then you know to inform your potential partners ahead of time: "I don't object to people being polyamorous in other relationships, but I personally only want to be partners with fellow monogamists. So if you are polyamorous, that is okay, but then you and I probably shouldn't be in a relationship with each other." And you could tell your ex, "I understand better now why you had the affairs, you wanted to be polyamorous while I did not want that. I have no problem with you living polyamorously now, I just realize that we are probably not a good match for each other. But I do forgive you for the affairs, I wanted you to know that." Not a conversation you have to have, but one you can have if that would help you to gain closure.

Breaking up is never fun; I feel bad that it happened to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you for this, I never knew about this until I'd say much recently in the past few years. I never really understood it but I understand it much better now. However I don't think it is for me so I will make sure I get into monogamous relationships. We just had so much in common besides that part of the relationship, which is unfortunate because the connection was there but there were just some other key parts where it didn't sync up. I would like to have that talk with her but in the future if she happens to call or talk to me when she's ready as right now would be a confusing time to talk to her about it. I just wanted to be prepared if I'm in a situation where I wanted clear concise answers about everything talked about.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm hurt but doing much better than I'd expected after thinking a lot and understanding that it wasn't necessarily the act of what happened that hurt me but more because of the betrayal I felt. There are the occasional rush of memories or me going through scenarios that could be good or bad situations. I know these are normal so I just let myself process it and that's usually the most difficult part post breakup. Really does feel like there's a void sometimes.

 

[kdt26417]

Hang in there, you will come to a place of healing eventually. It sounds like you are definitely hardwired for mono/mono relationships and would not ever want to be in a mono/poly relationship. And I would say your ex is hardwired to be poly, so it is for the best to let her go. In the future if/when you date, make sure you tell the person you're dating that you're exclusively a mono/mono type of guy.

Sorry you had to break up, it sounds like the two of you had a lot in common.

 

[WhatHappened]

I've been doing a lot of reading about polyamory and I can understand but still not quite grasp if it's my thing but I can support it. She ended up cheating on me with numerous people and there's no excuse for that as that's still hurtful and very dishonest. However I do understand how she might've viewed it in her mind now that I better understand it. My question is I don't want her to feel like what and how she feels is wrong in any way, I don't judge people for being gay/bi and I see this the same way.

If you've done a lot of reading about polyamory, then you know a central tenet of polyamory is HONESTY. Cheating is not polyamory.

What and how she feels? What and how she felt was...it was okay to lie to you. Go ahead and don't judge that if you like. But what that's going to get you is being lied to and cheated on again.

Sometimes people need to be called out on their bad behavior. We all make judgments about behavior and it is perfectly okay to 'judge' cheating and lying.

Why do you want to stay with someone who lied and cheated? Are you that desperate? Do you believe there won't ever be anyone else?

 

[George]

My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me and since the beginning she didn't make it clear she was polyamorous but she was saying she doesn't think she can do monogamy. I love this girl in ways I never thought I could love anyone before. It was the only relationship where I felt 100% myself, I did things no one on earth have seen me do and acted goofier than I've ever been in any relationships. Unfortunately I think our views differed a little bit in monogamous vs polyamorous relationships. I just didn't fully understand.

We had the usual relationship issues that could have been fixed with some more communication. Mostly things that both individuals could work on like communicate more, speak more kindly, etc. Nothing that changes the person from being themselves but more so being a better person.

I've been doing a lot of reading about polyamory and I can understand but still not quite grasp if it's my thing but I can support it. She ended up cheating on me with numerous people and there's no excuse for that as that's still hurtful and very dishonest. However I do understand how she might've viewed it in her mind now that I better understand it. My question is I don't want her to feel like what and how she feels is wrong in any way, I don't judge people for being gay/bi and I see this the same way. We're broken up now and I'm surprisingly handling it pretty well, at first I was going through the emotions and it hurts because this person I love dearly is not in my life anymore. I miss her terribly but that's besides the point.

I would like to talk to her about understanding where she's coming from and I don't want her to think I hate her for cheating on me. Although it hurt, I understand. She's a great person, I want her to be happy and I love her as a person even though she's not with me. I can't help but still care for her even if I'm not in the picture. Would it be ok for me to talk to her about this? Mostly just to let her know I understand and that although I'm hurt by her lying and doing things behind my back, I understand her dilemma. I want to tell her don't be afraid to see me as a friend and call me if she needs anything. (A shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, or just being there) She was and still is my best friend if she wants.

Clearly you have not let go. You wanting to be a shoulder for her to cry on is sign of this. She doesn't need you You shouldn't need her to need you

 

[sabrina8]

Do you mind some clarifying questions?

How did she break up with you? She admitted that she was cheating on you and called it off?

Were you in a strictly monogamous relationship? You are saying she expressed a desire to be with people, did you say that't ok and lied so you could be together?

How does she feel about your break up? Have you approached her and talked to her about your relationship, really?

I feel there are many details missing to give a full picture of what is going on.