Needing some open relationship advices

[juniorocha]

Hey everyone, I'm new here.

I've been in a monogamous relationship for 4 years now, 2 of them living together, we're both guys. Since January of this year, we've been trying to be more open and letting ourselves free to hook up with other people. We had these rules such as people restrictions, not mantaining contact with anyone and always play safe. It was fine until this point.

3 weeks ago he said he wanted us to be more open. He wants to mantain contact with whoever he wants, or go out with them more than once, and that he wants to feel more free. I am open to the idea, I want to get to that point, but I have to confess that I'm jealous and a little possessive, and this is making me get nervous sometimes; not to mention I feel scared he will leave me.

We had a bad discussion 3 days ago, we're taking a break to let the dust settle and we agreed to talk about us this monday.

I want us to have an open relationship, so this leads me to some questions:

1) How can I deal with my jealousy?
2) Is this something that I can work while being with him? Or shall we take some time apart?

I truly want to stop feeling so possessive towards him or anyone, and I believe that is an exercise. I love him and I believe he loves me as well, we share everything in our place, we're both growing together, and we have great times too. I don't want to lose it. I'm not feeling forced to be in an open relationship, I do want to get there, but I'm clearly not as ready as he is.

Any advices?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello juniorocha,
Here are some links to help with the jealousy.

• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Jealousy and the Poly Family
• Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Just going on what you've posted here so far, it does not seem like a time apart is necessary at this point. I could be wrong of course. But try working on it while being with him at first, see how that goes.

Hopefully my post here is helpful for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[juniorocha]

Thank you very much, kdt26417. Gonna spend some time reading these.

 

[vinsanity0]

It sounds like you are halfway there. You already realize the source of your jealousy and are looking for ways to fix that.

 

[lunabunny]

3 weeks ago he said he wanted us to be more open. He wants to mantain contact with whoever he wants, or go out with them more than once, and that he wants to feel more free. I am open to the idea, I want to get to that point, but I have to confess that I'm jealous and a little possessive, and this is making me get nervous sometimes; not to mention I feel scared he will leave me.

One question: Did anything happen three weeks ago or thereabouts to prompt your boyfriend to suggest these changes to your previous agreement?

In other words, do you think he might have met someone specific, and be developing feelings for that person - hence the request to be more open and flexible.

Because, if so, your feelings may stem less from a generalised sense of jealousy and more from a legitimate fear of him leaving you for the new person.

If not, realise that people approach and deal with opening up at their own pace. Just because your bf may be ready to explore deeper connections with others, doesn't mean YOU are there yet. Try not to berate yourself for this, or try to force yourself to "catch up" emotionally, too soon. DO however do the work on yourself if this is something you ALSO want. Kevin's list of reading material is a great start.