Hi all. First time on this site. Hope I am posting in the right place. I am a person who has been feeling into polyamory and relationship anarchy for the last few years. Intellectually I am very comfortable with non-monogamous notions, but my heart and emotional reactions have their own timing! As a person who has quested into BS social norms in many other arenas of being human, it was timely for me at age 43 to pick apart cultural dictates in the intimacy realm. The thing that I have struggled with is trying to find out what is my deeper truth versus what are strong inner reactions that stem from a lifetime of monogamy dictated societal programming.
I am currently in a beautiful relationship with a polyamorous man. I recognise that much of the beauty stems from such a purity in our connection, that is free, and outside of the expectations of our society. We are constantly evaluating and looking at our relating and the BS that we receive in regards to our union. One thing I struggled with in the beginning was what an impact others reactions had on my feelings of potential 'specialness' of our relationship. People in my world are so happy I have a great partner, and that they can see/feel the rightness around us when we are together. Then they find out that we are poly, and immediately they are disappointed for me, and downgrade the relationship seriousness. That upset me greatly and made me question if I wanted to be poly. But I see now that is part of the journey! To see that its society's warped view that poly relationships are not as serious, doesn't in itself hold power over what we deem to be serious and sacred, unless we let it. But I acknowledge that the reaction of others does affect me. Female friends have also been quick to 'slut shame' my partner, and even talk about him as if he is a piece of meat to be shared among them should I so wish! I was really shocked by this when it came up! These are friends that have acted with such integrity in the past, but an admission of polyamory seems to throw people into all sorts of odd reactions.
Right now my new partner (of 5 months) has a nesting partner, another partner, and an occasional lover/friend...and me. I am open to other partners, but currently have none. There are men I enjoy flirting with, but I have the type of sexual orientation where I need to go in deep emotionally with someone before entering a physical relationship, and I do not have that with anyone other than my one partner (X)right now. I have had several lovers/partners concurrently in the past though.
X and I are journeying deeper and deeper in love, sexuality and friendship. He treats me with great respect and honesty and I feel his commitment to our relationship deeply. I have been honest with him from the start that I am not yet committed to polyamory - but rather, exploring, and seeing what is right for me as things flow. I know that this makes me a little dangerous to him, in the sense that he may become deeply committed to me and then I decide to be monogamous. But it is truly where I am at, and he knows this. He is choosing to journey beside me.
I feel that this second year into the journey, I am not experiencing so much jealousy any more. That has settled a lot. But nonetheless, there are definitely subtleties that I notice to my experience of monogamy versus poly. When X and I spend a chunk of time together - say, 3 days. the energy between us is incredible....the sense of devotion/cocreation/hearts merging deeply together. Afterwards we both enjoy the wow feeling in the separation days that follow, and the cord between us is like this palpable, tangible line of love and connection. As soon as he is physically intimate with another partner, that energetic cord is cut. I feel it, and he feels it too. In many senses - that is totally appropriate! I mean - when he is with another, he should be fully present to that experience and that person. So I am not complaining as such. But we both acknowledge this 'cut' to our connection. When we come back together, it takes some time to re-establish the sense of deep closeness again. Talking subtleties - we get on and feel love etc...but there is this deeper level that we often reach...I am speaking to that.
And even with all that being so....this relationship, and way of relating is certainly the healthiest and most mature that I have ever had. And there is definitely a depth and level of intimacy that comes because of being poly. I do get that too.....Our level of communication and mutual respect - its flippin awesome!! And yet - I would be lying if I did not admit to be somewhat torn on this issue of potential depth for us, because of multiple partners. Some of that is practical - time constraints etc. And some is energetic. So I am pondering honestly and openly, for anyone who could weight in on these issues please. I do feel like this is all still new for me. And I feel the lack of personal wisdom on these issues. This is the first time I have reached out to a forum. One thing I wonder is - did others have some years of struggling with knowing this was the right path for them, and gradually things settled into place over time? I can certainly see that polyamory lifestyle has settled for me in many ways now compared to when I first started, but I am nowhere near close to being totally in my comfort zone, and questions still come up all the time for me. Having said that - monogamy certainly raises many questions for me also! So neither option currently 'fits like a glove'tbh.
With grateful thanks
I am currently in a beautiful relationship with a polyamorous man. I recognise that much of the beauty stems from such a purity in our connection, that is free, and outside of the expectations of our society. We are constantly evaluating and looking at our relating and the BS that we receive in regards to our union. One thing I struggled with in the beginning was what an impact others reactions had on my feelings of potential 'specialness' of our relationship. People in my world are so happy I have a great partner, and that they can see/feel the rightness around us when we are together. Then they find out that we are poly, and immediately they are disappointed for me, and downgrade the relationship seriousness. That upset me greatly and made me question if I wanted to be poly. But I see now that is part of the journey! To see that its society's warped view that poly relationships are not as serious, doesn't in itself hold power over what we deem to be serious and sacred, unless we let it. But I acknowledge that the reaction of others does affect me. Female friends have also been quick to 'slut shame' my partner, and even talk about him as if he is a piece of meat to be shared among them should I so wish! I was really shocked by this when it came up! These are friends that have acted with such integrity in the past, but an admission of polyamory seems to throw people into all sorts of odd reactions.
Right now my new partner (of 5 months) has a nesting partner, another partner, and an occasional lover/friend...and me. I am open to other partners, but currently have none. There are men I enjoy flirting with, but I have the type of sexual orientation where I need to go in deep emotionally with someone before entering a physical relationship, and I do not have that with anyone other than my one partner (X)right now. I have had several lovers/partners concurrently in the past though.
X and I are journeying deeper and deeper in love, sexuality and friendship. He treats me with great respect and honesty and I feel his commitment to our relationship deeply. I have been honest with him from the start that I am not yet committed to polyamory - but rather, exploring, and seeing what is right for me as things flow. I know that this makes me a little dangerous to him, in the sense that he may become deeply committed to me and then I decide to be monogamous. But it is truly where I am at, and he knows this. He is choosing to journey beside me.
I feel that this second year into the journey, I am not experiencing so much jealousy any more. That has settled a lot. But nonetheless, there are definitely subtleties that I notice to my experience of monogamy versus poly. When X and I spend a chunk of time together - say, 3 days. the energy between us is incredible....the sense of devotion/cocreation/hearts merging deeply together. Afterwards we both enjoy the wow feeling in the separation days that follow, and the cord between us is like this palpable, tangible line of love and connection. As soon as he is physically intimate with another partner, that energetic cord is cut. I feel it, and he feels it too. In many senses - that is totally appropriate! I mean - when he is with another, he should be fully present to that experience and that person. So I am not complaining as such. But we both acknowledge this 'cut' to our connection. When we come back together, it takes some time to re-establish the sense of deep closeness again. Talking subtleties - we get on and feel love etc...but there is this deeper level that we often reach...I am speaking to that.
And even with all that being so....this relationship, and way of relating is certainly the healthiest and most mature that I have ever had. And there is definitely a depth and level of intimacy that comes because of being poly. I do get that too.....Our level of communication and mutual respect - its flippin awesome!! And yet - I would be lying if I did not admit to be somewhat torn on this issue of potential depth for us, because of multiple partners. Some of that is practical - time constraints etc. And some is energetic. So I am pondering honestly and openly, for anyone who could weight in on these issues please. I do feel like this is all still new for me. And I feel the lack of personal wisdom on these issues. This is the first time I have reached out to a forum. One thing I wonder is - did others have some years of struggling with knowing this was the right path for them, and gradually things settled into place over time? I can certainly see that polyamory lifestyle has settled for me in many ways now compared to when I first started, but I am nowhere near close to being totally in my comfort zone, and questions still come up all the time for me. Having said that - monogamy certainly raises many questions for me also! So neither option currently 'fits like a glove'tbh.
With grateful thanks
